Aupair's boyfriend sleepovers

[Isuxasanannyboss]

Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks

I think as he's her boyfriend and someone you've met and feel comfortable enough to invite on a weekend away, I think you need to communicate expectations. It would be unreasonable if she was having sleepovers with a string of random guys, but she's not. As long as they are discreet, I think it's ok. How old is she?

I think it's your house, your rules. However, I would take into account that she's an adult and not your child. If you don't even notice him, it sounds like they are very discrete. I would be worried if he was around the children when you were not home. And I would also want to know when he was staying, but apart from that, it would be OK by me. If just say that you understand he's part of her life, so here are the rules. Whatever you decide those are. Eg. Stay no more than 3 nights per week, not to be around the children, not to be using common areas of house etc.

She's an adult, 27. However, I didn't leave with my parents at 27 (or with any other adult) and I wouldn't accept my 27 year old daughter to bring her boyfriend 3 days a week. At that age I would actually expect her to live independently. If she can't or won't live independently then I don't think I would be happy having another grown up person coming to stay overnight with her. Maybe that is where I feel conflicted.

She is living independently. A lot of 27 year olds live in flat shares. SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. If your dd, at the age of 27 has a long term boyfriend, you won't allow him to stay weekends, Christmas holidays etc.?

@MerryMarigold, thank you for your comment, I do appreciate your point of view. You are right, she's not my daughter, I only make the analogy because as I said before I treat her like part of the family, not as an employee.
I don't think living with a family as an au pair equals to living independently. We are not flat mates. This is our (mine and my husband's) house. She can't make the rules of the house. It is a far cry from sharing a flat with some friends on equal footing, sharing the costs and making common rules.
With regards to your question, I hope that my DD will be living independently before she turns 27, making her own rules in her own place. If at that age she has a long term boyfriend of course I will welcome her and her significant other to come and visit and stay overnight. However I will expect that she lets me know in advance that she's coming with her boyfriend and that he says hello and goodbye. I would be really unhappy if the the boyfriend came unannounced through the back door and left without me even knowing that he had been at home.
The boyfriend by the way comes from a pretty traditional family. I'm sure his parents wouldn't be happy if he went to their home with the girlfriend at night and left in the morning without saying hello.

I wouldn’t allow this at all. If she wants to sleep with him I would expect them to go to travel lodge or his house. I wouldn’t have someone else’s partner in and out of my house

She's an adult, she has a right to a sex life and that's none of your business. I think you can say no overnight visitors but asking permission every time he stays is too much. You could say only at weekends or something.

All in all I think you're thinking about it too much and overstepping boundaries a bit, keep your nose out of her relationships, make house rules but bear in mind that she might leave sooner rather than later if they're too restrictive.

You asked her not to bring him unannounced. She brought him unnanounced. What more is there to say? She’s behaved very poorly here. You need to discuss this with her. It’s difficult because of her age and how long she has been with you but she had basically lied by omission. She is very much in the wrong here. You need to ask her whether she can stick to your arrangement in future and make it clear that you will have to make changes (either ceasing her employment or maybe she moves out and you hire her as a nanny for example). It’s shockingly rude to completely disregard someone’s request to be notified of visitors to their own house regardless pelf whether she considers your rules reasonable or not.

@Houstonbess reread the op. She’s not questioning the au pairs right to a sex life, just get right to bring her boyfriend into the house without notice when she was asked to give notice.

Yanbu. At the end of the day, she is an employee, not a family member. I wouldn't like someone I didn't know round all the time either. Yes, she's entitled to a sex life but that's not your problem.

Her upbringing and her age is irrelevant, because the only thing that matters is what you feel comfortable with in your home. Under no circumstances would I allow her boyfriend or other friends to stay overnight in my home.

She is grossly overstepping her bounds and you need to address this immediately. Tell her very clearly what the rules are and don't be wishy washy. If you don't want the boyfriend staying over then there shouldn't be any room for "maybies" or "what-ifs." If she wants the freedom to do whatever she wants, she needs to get her own flat.

@HoustonBess

She's an adult, she has a right to a sex life and that's none of your business.

She does not have the right to a sex life in the op's home and it is VERY much op's business.

I think you need to have a sit down with her and explain what she has done wrong (ie brought him home without permission). Ask her why she can't stay at his place. I'll be honest if they are already being discrete I don't think she'll stop bringing him over.

You are complicating this way too much. If you don’t like the boyfriend staying then just tell her that he can’t. No need to analyse the whole situation.

No boyfriends staying over, in fact I always said no overnight guests at all. End of. It’s my home and I don’t like our own friends and family staying over let alone other people’s. I had aupairs for years, they all stayed for between 1-3 years and it was never an issue

I'd like to add a bit of background because I think we have treated her very well and the boyfriend situation makes me feel taken for granted and wondering if I have treated her too well.
She gets a weekly allowance of £180 for up to 30 hours of help. Normally she helps me one hour in the morning and up to 4 hours in the afternoon. This sum is guaranteed whether we are here or we travel without her. She attends Uni and can't help some times but we still guarantee that amount.

On top of the weekly allowance, she gets paid more if she helps us more hours during the week, like on school holidays. I pay her more when she helps on weekends. If she travels with us, I pay her more and also I pay her an overnight rate.
We have loaned her £32K to allow her to pay for her masters and get a student visa. She's paying us back with her help.
Again, this is a girl I care about, I want the best for her, I'm just finding the boyfriend situation a bit too much.

I wouldn’t allow it. I assume she’s been police checked to work around your children, he has not.

She can go to his home or to a hotel. Your home is for your family and people you invite, not the friends or bf of the au pair.

My question is what are your rules about her being away overnight? Do you expect her to let you know she’s not returning home?

@Ourchristmasmiracle, if she's not babysitting she's free to go out in her own time. I don't police where she goes. I understand that she prefers not to go out during the week because she's expected to help me with the kids in the first hour of the morning (7am) to get them ready to go to school. She usually comes to the kitchen still in her pajamas. If she was an early riser she could perfectly go out and be with her boyfriend and come back before 7. As a matter of fact, our live out housekeeper arrives at 7am.

Why can’t she stay at his? I can’t imagine why a grown man would prefer sleeping in a tiny room in someone else’s flat when he’s got his own place.

You've loaned her 32k?!

TaxiGood, it's for her convenience, as I said she's got an early start and he lives in Peckham so she'd have to wake up at 6 or so to be in SW11 by 7am. If you like to dance, you pay the piper!
Also after I take the kids to school she has all the morning to herself and part of the afternoon, unless she's got school. So if she had a busy night she could take a nap. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I was an au pair in New Zealand when I was younger, I would never dream of doing that, I find it disrespectful.

Yes Pinkyredrose, pre-paid for her masters and gave her an advance of her allowance. I'm just mentioning it because I want to put in perspective what type of relationship we have, how much we care about the girl, etc.
Again, I'm not policing her sex life, I would feel the same if she was bringing a girlfriend over. I'm policing who comes in and out of my house but I want to be reasonable hence I like hearing different opinions because they make me think.

You lent her £32,000 😱😱😱