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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Aupair's boyfriend sleepovers

137 replies

Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 10:59

Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks

OP posts:
harrietkatie · 10/05/2019 19:04

I would definitely speak to her regarding this. I'm sure she will understand.

northerngirl2012 · 10/05/2019 19:07

I think if she’s 27, discrete & you value her work I’d leave it.

northerngirl2012 · 10/05/2019 19:08

And £32k!!

Applesbananaspears · 10/05/2019 19:08

You’ve loaned her £32k for her masters. I think that this was extremely foolish regardless of your feelings towards her.

Jedeye · 10/05/2019 19:13

Wow £32k!

Zakana · 10/05/2019 19:16

OP I’ll come and live and work for you for what you are offering, quite happy not to have a boyfriend back there, lol I’m nearly 50 btw but I would have jumped at the chance of a job like this at her age, I don’t think you are BU, as long as she has time away to see her bloke away from your home overnight. Oh, and I have loads of child care experience btw!

Mygoodlygodlingtons · 10/05/2019 19:22

I would say that her boyfriend could stay over on Friday and Saturday nights only in order to fit in with your family. She is an adult woman.

The danger is that she will move out, move in with him, and leave you in the lurch with regard to childcare.

englishdictionary · 10/05/2019 19:28

She is bringing a strange man into your children's home?

Not acceptable. The fact that she did it behind your back would be the end for me. There has to be trust.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/05/2019 19:34

But why would you want someone else’s partner in your house on Friday and Saturday night???Confused

Milkn0sugar · 10/05/2019 20:13

I would just say that you and DH have decided that you don't want overnight visitors in your home - nothing personal against her boyfriend who you like very much and he's still very welcome to come away for country visits etc. (which is generous of you). It would be better for her to stay at his on a Friday and Saturday night as presumably she isn't needed for an early start on a Saturday or Sunday? She could also see him in the evenings and return back to yours alone, or stay over at his midweek and do the early start once a week. That's 3 nights a week already. If that's not enough then I think it's a case of negotiating a different package as a live out babysitter. My parents had an au pair once but they got cheesed off when his girlfriend assumed she could stay regularly. It felt like an invasion of their home and they hated it.

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:14

@Applesbananaspears why do you think it's foolish? If it's in my power to help someone who in turn will be helping me, why not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:16

@Zakana I would have loved having someone financing my masters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:22

@Mygoodlygodlingtons it wouldn't work for me having him around on weekends! She can perfectly go to his place on weekends. She helps me on weekends mostly because that's when she earns more and can repaid the loan faster but I understand she may prefer taking longer to repay and instead enjoying her weekends with him.
So far I feel comfortable with him staying on a Friday or Saturday night when she's babysitting and he comes to keep her company. They have to wait for us to return before going to bed.

OP posts:
WillLokireturn · 10/05/2019 20:23

Nope. YANBU.
No way would I let an aupairs boyfriend stay over in my home. And she hasn't even asked and knows you aren't happy with it.
Btw, you've been too generous and overly accomodating. When she goes, can any of my DDs come au pair for you?!

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:25

@englishdictionary well in fairness he's not a strange man, it's her boyfriend whom we met. We like him. But I don't like him sneaking in and out of the house during weeknights.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:25

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Yes thanks, no thanks

OP posts:
systems2 · 10/05/2019 20:27

Your house your rules.....she has to respect your point of view if not time for her to leave.

Zakana · 10/05/2019 20:27

Precisely OP, as long as she has free time to go and stay with him overnight a couple of nights a week maybe, think that’s perfectly acceptable. The offer is still there, I’m good with horses and dogs too lol!

englishdictionary · 10/05/2019 20:28

well in fairness he's not a strange man, it's her boyfriend whom we met

So your concern is not for your children? That would be my issue, that he IS a strange man. There is no way i would be having him stay ove in my house. Ever. The sneaking about would be the end for the au pair. If she can’t be trusted with something so big as bringing a man into your children’s home, she can’t be trusted with much.

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:28

@Milkn0sugar first comment that resonates with me. I think something in these lines may work. Thank you so much for your contribution!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:29

@WillLokireturn I think it will be a while before I let anyone new move in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 20:33

@englishdictionary you have a valid point in that I didn't interview him, I didn't vet him / check his references, etc.

OP posts:
Mygoodlygodlingtons · 10/05/2019 21:25

Do you want to keep her as an au pair? She is fairly old to be doing this job. I had my first child at her age!

If you want to keep her, you need to keep in mind that she may not want to stay with your family if you prevent her from having a normal adult relationship.

In which case, you might soon without both an au pair and the money you have loaned her.

Also, he is not a strange man. He is a man you have met, who spends some of his time with an adult woman, which is quite normal.

Milkn0sugar · 10/05/2019 21:37

I think you've given her a very generous package tbh. I'm sure she does appreciate it. She'll be justifying his overnight visits by reasoning that it's not impacting on you in any way without considering that, psychologically, your home is your sanctuary and it's for you and DH to decide who stays inside your home overnight alongside your young family and all that you hold dear. If that's no one but her, then that's your prerogative. There are other options here but she's taking the easiest one, not the right one.

MerryMarigold · 11/05/2019 05:59

So she's basically an indentured servant. Why did she not get a student loan for her course? I think you were both silly to tie yourselves financially into this situation. But it's done. I think you need to do thinking if her as a grown up child your grown up child, and more as an independent woman. Yes, she's living in your house, because you'd have to pay a lot more if she didn't in order to cover rent. This suits everyone but she still needs to be treated with respect. As mentioned, as long as I knew he was there is be fine. I wouldn't want him coming to watch TV with us, but staying over would be fine.