Aupair's boyfriend sleepovers

[Isuxasanannyboss]

Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks

I thought I’d post an update. I spoke with her, told her that I didn’t want the boyfriend overnight regularly, that the space wasn’t not independent enough, that I was happy for her to go to his and to review our arrangements regarding hours, etc.
It turns out I’ve been deluded and I had the enemy living with me!
Her response was to go for the throat, sent me an 8 page email calling me all sort of nasty things and brought up things she isn’t happy and complains she has bottled up since 2016... I don’t understand how someone who feels can tell me all sort of personal things then claims that she didn’t dare bringing up things that bothered her and grew such a resentment! She said she already thought all those things about me and took the money anyway because she loves my kids and my husband and thought she could tolerate me.
I am so shocked and hurt that I can’t even look at her in the eyes.
I have to grant one of the commenters that said it was silly to give her a loan, that she was absolutely right. Not because I care about the money, I’m happy for her to go and never see her nor the money ever again, but because it’s made her so resentful instead of grateful.
The silliest thing is that she hasn’t spoken to her boyfriend about anything, she says she is embarrassed and doesn’t want him to think that she’s poor, that by bringing him home she wanted to show him that we are her family! So she’s offloaded all this s**t and didn’t have a plan B of where to go, was a bloody mess crying in my DH’s shoulders, I’m beyond myself!

What a shit storm! Poor OP, it sounds awful and what on earth did dh say with a weeping 27 year old au pair insulting his wolf on one shoulder?

Give her notice and a payment plan for repaying the loan and start looking for a live out Nanny. You will feel a huge sense of relief when you shut the door and have your home back.

Wife!

Fucking hell that escalated! Poor you OP - is she still in the house and expecting business as usual? Have you or DH spoken to her face to face since?

Bloody hell OP - that was a quick turnaround. I am really sorry that what you thought was a perfect set up is not so much.

Don't let your DH go feeling sorry for her. You have been over generous with her both with how you pay her and also the massive loan that you gave her for college and this is how she repays you (and I don't mean financially).

I hope you get sorted but you definitely need your DH on your side.

Wow, she is presumably volatile due to her childhood experiences.

OP it is completely reasonable for you to ask that the BF does not stay overnight in your house. As you say she is free to go to his house.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this as it seems very unfair on you. Definitely stay on the same page with your DH.

Bloody hell, OP! You've been more than (much, much more than...) reasonable about this - in all honesty, I would be paying her instead of notice and asking her to leave today. There's no way to continue in an au pair/family relationship once this sort of thing has come out.

Unfortunately, some people take kindness and generosity as weakness, and clearly, she's one of those. It's really not unreasonable to ask anyone not to sneak a boyfriend in over night without permission - that's a pretty low bar, to be honest.

You pay her £180 per week and complain that someone her age should be living independently?!

Jesus the middle class never cease to amaze me. I get that you don't want people you don't know staying in your home.

But you can't have it both ways. You either pay her enough that she can afford her own place to live or accept that you get her cheap labour by giving her a room and that as a grown up woman she is allowed to have a life.

Hold your head up. This is what happens to women who say no. Or assert boundaries. Or rules. You no doubt were doing all that work not your DH which is why she says she likes him. Get her out the door now.

sent me an 8 page email calling me all sort of nasty things

She said she already thought all those things about me and took the money anyway because she loves my kids and my husband and thought she could tolerate me.

You cannot come back from this so now it is about the quickest cleanest break you can manage. Is dh able to manage that while you remove the children (trip to Granny’s?) or could he take them while you help her pack?

@moofolk you clearly haven't read the thread and what I have included as part of the package for a live in au pair.

@itwouldtakemorethanthis @thatcurlygirl @cstaff DH is very kind and -like me to this point loved the girl; he thinks she's volatile and somewhat stupid having sent this message without thinking the consequences; like me thought she had some sort of plan to dare insulting me and then expecting to stay... He and I are on the same page, she's got to go, we just want to do the right thing for the kids that are super attached to her and to a certain extent the right thing for her albeit she doesn't deserve it.

The only face to face was last night, that she first had a sit down with my husband in which she cried her eyes out, then husband asked me to come to rescue him, I sat at the table with both of them, I said I was shocked and hurt and clearly there was nothing else to talk, that we had to work a timeline for her to move out, she said she was about to have a panic attack, she said she was sorry "for the way she said those things", I said the way wasn't so important that if she thought I was controlling insensitive invasive disrespectful neurotic unempathetic, etc, she shouldn't have come, that I had foolishly thought that her and our family were a match made in heaven but what a poor judge of character I am!!

She hasn't told the boyfriend, she doesn't have a plan B, I suppose she can either move with him or look for another family to live with.

Funny one of the grievances that she brought up was that when she broke up with the previous alcoholic boyfriend and was broke and homeless I offered to stay with us -despite the fact that I had another au pair at the time and offered to do some hours with us to make some money. She was crying all day and laying in bed depressed. I spoke with her about her future, her chances of making things happen for her, that's when I said if she still wanted to come she could come and I could help her, etc. As the days went by and she was still sobbing I told her I had to give her a big of tough love, that she had to get her act together and stop being so depressed because I couldn't have her coming to live with us if she was going to be a mess, that children need positive energy around. That -according to her- was psychological abuse.

Well I wasn’t expecting that!

@WorkingItOutAsIGo exactly, he doesn't have to manage any of those things and would ask me to speak with her if he wanted her to babysit or do any extra stuff.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis of course there's no return. I'm extremely sad and angry with myself. And disappointed beyond belief with the girl.

I quote just a snippet of her hatred filled email: "Telling me a few months ago that I could close the playroom and have a few hours of privacy at night has been the first genuinely disinterested gesture of humanity that I have felt on your part, the only part of the day in which I can feel a little less 'the outsider employee' and a little more at home, feel the freedom to be out with XX and come home to sleep if we are closer to home than to his apartment, and also have him with me when you are on vacation and I am replenishing the energies that you and the kids suck out of me every day, that was what was keeping my emotional balance during the last moths. To take that away from me too is the ultimate oppressive gesture on your part. It's something that not cost you anything but for me it makes all the difference, but it seems that it gives you pleasure to remind all who have lived here that this is your and only your home, that you are the dictator, that here only you and your children have the right to enjoy." "I wont keep giving you my emotional and mental health on a plate and leave this house in a year time needing psychiatric help so you may consider that in that offer you sent me before. Share this letter with your psychologist, the mum's website you prefer or take the time you need to digest this information."

OMFG that email!!!!!! Fucking hell even if she feels that way she is batshit to send it to you!

Sorry OP it must feel so shit when you've been under the same roof as someone for so long, poor you :(

What a brat she has turned out to be!

Well it seems from the outside that you AP had a really good deal of things. It's sad that she feels so aggrieved and unappreciative. 27 is quite old to be acting in this way.

It really doesn't sound as though there is any way back from this so I wish you well in finding alternative childcare.

I would enforce her debt and work out a repayment plan as I don't see that you owe her anything and it won't be a good life lesson to think you can behave in this way and get £22k for nothing.

Pack her bags and give her a plane ticket. The opportunity for hysteria and drama all over your children needs to be minimised.

It is difficult being an AP, and at 27 she is really too old for it, so don’t feel bad. What’s coming out is her frustration with herself and where she is in life. She hasn’t got to adult independence and feels bad - so is taking it out on you. You are being attacked as a symbol of her frustration, not for anything about you personally.

Managing this for the kids is very difficult. Normally you need to do a gentle supportive transition but this isn’t going to be possible here. It may be that a clean break whilst not ideal is better for them than being exposed to possible friction.

I have had to do this once in 16 years of employing child carers. It is vile but survivable. But there is no way back from that email: whether it was a family member, friend or employee. And that’s the test you need to use.

Dear god !! Just read your updates

She is unhinged !!!

I would pay her 4w notice or whatever is in contract

And get rid of ASAP

Not sure what laws /rights live in have - maybe a week to find elsewhere to live

Plus

Hope you had a good agreement written up for loan

OP what a mess. You have to move her out as soon as possible. She will look back one day and realise how good she had it with you. She’s behaving like a teenager not a woman of 27.

It will be difficult but worth you can relax again in your own house.

It sounds like it's definitely time for her to leave.

DH and I agreed that for the best of everyone involved specially the children but also ourselves it’s better to give her a month notice, make the transition out as civilised as possible and avoid more drama. If she had kept her mouth shout I would be blissfully unaware of how much hatred she’s got and would think she was lovely with the kids. For my own sanity I will focus on the good things.
Funny one will be writing a recommendation letter.

I wouldn’t write a recommendation letter OP I would feel too bad for the next family.