Aupair's boyfriend sleepovers

[Isuxasanannyboss]

Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks

Wow @MerryMarigold! You just transformed an act of kindness into some form of domination!
But thanks for your comment as it makes me think and the more I think about it it becomes clearer.
She could’ve applied to some scholarships in her home country but she didn’t. If she had, those scholarships came with conditions (must return to her home country) which conditions she found more stringent than coming to work for us as an au pair. It was more convenient for her to be bound financially to us. She wants to stay in the UK afterwards.
I advanced her that money so that she could pay for her masters and obtain her visa. I didn’t trade a slave.
I don’t have to pay for rent for her if she decides to move out. She can work what’s more convenient. If she stays as an aupair living in probably one of the prettiest spots of Central London, as part of our aupair package of £180 per week for 30 hours of work we offer free accommodation, all expenses paid, food (she can order whatever she likes from Ocado and has a debit card to buy stuff when she’s out), paid mobile phone, paid Oyster card and paid Uber when she’s with the kids. I pay £10 per hour when she works on weekends, same rate if she is traveling with us, plus an overnight rate when we are traveling even if she isn’t working 24hours, the rational being that if she’s traveling, she’s stuck with us and can’t go to her boyfriends or be free even after the children are asleep. Her only tasks are looking after the kids (occasionally cooking for them) and tidying up the playroom.
She is not obliged to live with us. If she moves out we can work out a different arrangement and of course I will be paying her a nanny hourly rate -but if she works out all the expenses that she will have to pay it will be probably less convenient. Still, her choice.
She’s an adult and can have an adult life but doesn’t have a right to bring her partner to someone else’s house. She can go and stay at his place and if she has agreed to start early the following day she just needs to wake up at 6am like most of us adults do (I noticed you wrote at 5:59am) and take a train to be here at 7am. As a matter of fact, that’s what the boyfriend does to go to work when he sneaks out of our home.
The more I think, the clearer it becomes that she’s prioritised her comfort -sleeping until 7am, not going out during the week if she was tired, etc, over our right to choose who sleeps under our roof and even over her own boyfriend’s convenience.

as part of our aupair package of £180 per week for 30 hours of work we offer free accommodation, all expenses paid, food (she can order whatever she likes from Ocado and has a debit card to buy stuff when she’s out), paid mobile phone, paid Oyster card and paid Uber when she’s with the kids. I pay £10 per hour when she works on weekends, same rate if she is traveling with us, plus an overnight rate when we are traveling even if she isn’t working 24hours,

Really? You really pay every single thing she ever buys AND £180 plus overtime

I do and I think it’s very generous. However, the kids (and is) love her so to me that’s worth every penny. It’s the overnight guest what bothers me and that’s where I draw a line.

The terms seem very fair as described but are really besides the point. Bringing friends/lovers to work to hang out in your home ISNT what you are looking for. It’s not appropriate and there is a safeguarding issue. Readjust everyone’s expectations and regain control in your home.

You need to take your emotion about what you would led your own daughter do out of the equation here. You have a rule and she has broken it. And she clearly knows she is doing wrong by the sneaky way she has done it. It would be entirely appropriate to raise this with her and such a breach of trust is serious.

I think you may find however that she leaves if you do ban her boyfriend. I do think you have been very generous so she may not. I do hope you have those loans properly and legally recorded.

Well, it's going to take a very long time to pay off 32k. And whilst it was, to find textbooks, an act of kindness, its not like you're not being anything out of it. You've tied her to working for you, under conditions which you set. Whilst those conditions seem generous, it's still not freedom. I'm not sure if anything is written legally for the loan, but paying that off plus paying rent in London would be difficult even on a nanny wage. I'm not saying you haven't been kind, but that you are treating her a little like a child / servant and not sliding her a degree of independence. The man is a safeguarding issue, but OP seems to be OK with that if she is in the house (invited on weekend away), so it's just a bit unclear what the boundaries are.

I think the loan leaves you in a compromising position. She could easily just up and leave and has no obligation to pay you back. In addition to that, I think your overall package is very very generous given her working hours. If you look at the guidelines on websites like au pair world, you're paying over double the recommended pocket money, and if you add in all the extras its probably closer to triple.

As far as her inviting her boyfriend over without asking, that's pretty poor. It's made worse by you having already told her that you don't want overnight guests without her informing you first. It's made worse still by her making excuses about her being ill. She was well enough to invite him over then she's well enough to let you know. She didn't even have to move, she could have just sent you a text. And the other times she's done it, there's not even the (poor) excuse of her being ill. If she's happy to lie about this, what other important details is she falling to tell you?

It doesn't matter how old she is. If she wants a completely independent adult life, then she can live independently, not in your house. This is nothing like a flat share, it's entirely your house and your rules.

The whole package you offer her is extremely generous. As others has said there are plenty of opportunities for her to see him/sleep over.

The main issue here is deception. You obviously vale and respect her very highly but she has damaged the relationship by not showing this level of respect back.

Is it possible she has now outgrown her current living situation?

Can I come and replace her please!? Sounds perfect!

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis exactly, readjust everyone's expectations and regain control of my home is what I'm going to do

@WorkingItOutAsIGo absolutely spot on about emotions and that's why I'm talking to you guys and taking a bit of distance

@MerryMarigold she's already paid back circa £10K in 8 months, her master's 18 months. Of course I'm getting something out of it, it wasn't a gift, it was a loan under very relaxed conditions (albeit it is properly documented). The working conditions were not set by me, I proposed something it was a negotiation. And she was always free to do something else, apply for a scholarship and return to her country afterwards, work at home and save before coming, etc. She choose this because it was her best choice. I didn't choose her as a "cheap childcare" option. I choose her because I preferred her to any unknown professional nanny or other choices. I'm not treating her as a "child", I'm choosing not to have someone else staying overnight in our home.

As many of you said, it's our home, it's our choice. As an adult, she should know better how to respect someone else's home's rules and our preference not to have overnight visitors (save certain exceptions and with previous notice). When she's not working, she can go to his place, I'm not stopping her. I've come to the realisation that she was -without malice- prioritising her own comfort -not going to her boyfriend's flat if she was tired- over my own comfort -not having a visitor in our home.

@slightlysleepy I know it's a generous package. It may be that she's outgrown the live in situation. We may want to re-evaluate how things could work. The loan is documented and I trust she will pay back but I have no intention to legally pursue collection if she doesn't.

@harrietkatie I think the next person I hire will be a live out professional nanny ;)

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a man I didn't really know sleeping over and potentially having access to my children. But I realise I am quite paranoid here.

In reality I would probably offer one Friday or Saturday night stay over a week

I’m torn on this one

You like the bf. You invite him to I assume your country home at weekends

You don’t mind him staying if you know

But she snuck him in

So if she asked you could he stay mon wed or tue thur /weekends would you say yes

Do they stay in her tiny room. Or lounge around the house - hence you feel home being invaded

Sounds likes she /you may need a live out nanny now rather then a love in au pair

Which btw you pay very well for. Thought usual ap rate was 80/100 but I may be behind the times /rates

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment here. The exchange of ideas has helped me tremendously to clarify my own mind and as a result I now feel strongly I was not overreacting and she did not respect our home.
What strikes me the most were some of the knee jerk reactions pointing out that our au pair "is an adult", as if adults were not supposed to respect the limits of someone else's property. It's been precisely her teenage attitude what created issues.
Being an au-pair means living in someone else's home and being treated as part of the family (www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs), it does not equal to "living independently" like a "flat share" or "subletting" or "lodging" a room in someone else's home. Regarding my references to my daughter, the reason for that is based on the multiple guidelines given to host families in the websites we used to recruit our au pairs, that say for example, that "Because your au pair is a “family member,” you should consider what rules you would find reasonable for your own adult children"
(culturalcare.com/blog/house-rules-setting-guidelines-for-your-au-pair/)
I spoke with her and her initial response was exactly the same knee jerk of some of the commenters: I'm an adult and I'm not your daughter. I said I didn't question that she was an adult but as such she should know better to respect someone else's home, that I knew that she wasn't my daughter but that I was treating her as part of the family and not as an employee. She then became emotional and brought up her upbringing, her controlling bipolar mum, etc., said that looking after our children was emotionally very demanding, that the boyfriend kept her sane, that if I didn't let her bring her boyfriend then she couldn't continue... To all of which I said it would be a pity, that we didn't want her to leave too soon, that I thought we could work things out in such a way that she was happy and my boundaries were respected. However I needed to think things through and maybe make her some proposal and she needed to think things through and that I was going to respect her if her decision was to move out.

@Blondeshavemorefun Thanks for your comment.
One thing is going away on a specific weekend and expressly inviting someone and a different thing is having someone sneaked in, or having someone regularly in my living room so that I need to think whether I'm presentable or not, eating my food, etc.
I absolutely do not want to allow her to bring him regularly for sleepovers. He lives in London, she can go to his place. I'm not stopping her from sleeping somewhere else. The only situation when I agree -and communicated to her that it's ok- that he stays over is when she's babysitting and working the following morning. If she's not working the following morning I offered to pay for a taxi for her to go to his place afterwards (as I would pay any babysitter a taxi to go home). If she's not babysitting and is working the following morning for us, she can still go and sleep over at his and wake up early to come to work here in the morning -like everyone else does. I have even offered to pay her for an uber to come in the morning and arrive here at 7am.

You are offering too much, but that’s your choice. If she needs to see her bf to get over the strain of looking after your children she can go and see him. You are not there to make up for her mother’s behaviour you are her employer. She’s 27 not 16. Time to grow up.

OP - you are getting advice from people who clearly have no experience with au pairs; live-in 'employees' who are part of the family for the duration they're with you.

You are a 'host mother' so shouts of 'you're not her mother, she's not your daughter!!' just highlight that people don't understand the unique dynamic of this.

YANBU. Our oldest au pair (23) had a boyfriend for some of the time she was with us. She told us every time she intended to be away overnight (as I'd expect an adult daughter who lived with us to do) - we didn't have to ask her to do this, just just did it out of common courtesy. The boyfriend never even came to the house, let alone slept over. We would not have been OK with this, so you're more accommodating than us.

Bottom line is, if she wants him to stay over, she needs to do you the basic courtesy of letting you know first. This is not an onerous request, and if she doesn't feel able to comply, then it might be better if he simply doesn't stay over at all.

Of course, this can't be a deal-breaker for you, because asking her to leave is akin to waiving the loan repayment, and I'm sure you don't want to do that.

OP I think you have handled this well. What has happened since?

You are being way too generous. I wouldn't have a strange man around even during babysitting with her, never mind overnight in my house. You know nothing about him.

No way. At 27 she’s a bit old to be an au-pair anyway, it’s not the same as a live-in nanny.

Absolutely no way would I allow her boyfriend to stay over, possibly not to even visit, other than briefly to pick her up etc

He has a flat, they can go there.

You seem a lovely thoughtful person and y(very) generous employer

I do have experience of live in staff though the boundaries are different for au pairs. I absolutely wouldn’t allow boyfriends over while babysitting.

@itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis as I said before, we’ve the boyfriend, he’s spent a weekend with us, the expectation when she’s babysitting is that she stays up until we return. They usually have dinner and watch a movie.

I’m sure he seems very nice, but he shouldn’t have unsupervised access to your home or children. She doesn’t sound very savvy and there is a risk. At the bare minimum young love is often very indiscreet.

FFS, of course YANBU!