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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't want PIL to look after our son at our house...

80 replies

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:30

I'm going back to work 3 days per week. My husband's parents have agreed to look after our son one day per week - their house is on my way to work, so it's easy to drop him off. My parents live an hour away, but have agreed to do two days per week. They have said they would prefer to come to our house to look after him, saying they don't want DS spending all that time in the car. DH doesn't want this, as he comes home for lunch and finishes at 4.30pm (early starts) - meaning he'd have to see my parents quite a lot. He gets on well with them and loves them, but feels them being in our house is an invasion of his privacy, and that my Mum would do stuff around the house, which he doesn't want. He doesn't have the same close relationship with his family as I do mine, so I don't have a problem with it. Now I'm faced with an awkward decision to offend my parents by telling them they can't look after him here (seems like we don't trust them/they're not welcome) or to make hubby unhappy. I can't look at this objectively, because they're my parents. Is hubby being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 20/01/2017 13:36

Presumably he would be happy to pay for the childcare then ?

I think he is being unbelievably selfish.

I assume that as he's home at 4.30 he will be taking over looking after his child or is he expecting them to stay until you come home because looking after his own child isn't his job??

rollonthesummer · 20/01/2017 13:38

He's being an arse and rude. Perhaps he can drive your child to the nursery each morning instead.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 20/01/2017 13:41

He is being unreasonable. They are helping out in a huge way, he should be very grateful.

If he doesn't want to take them up on their kind offer then he pays for childcare.

As PP, will he be taking over parenting when he gets home at 4.30?

NickyEds · 20/01/2017 13:42

Yes, your dh is being unbelievably bloody unreasonable! Surely he will take over childcare when he gets home and they can always go home? Two hours and day for a toddler and, presumably 4 hours a day for your parents is ridiculous.

TheMerryWidow1 · 20/01/2017 13:42

He should be on his hands and knees thanking them for helping with the childcare. Does he know how much it would cost him if they didn't help?!!

NickyEds · 20/01/2017 13:43

Or would he be fine with the 4 hour commute to drop your ds off and pick him up again if your parents were to have him at their house? I suspect not.

Original poster

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:44

Thanks for your reply :) That's the thing, he would probably pay for childcare - but I'd rather my parents look after DS at least initially, as I think it's better for him. DH would take over after work, he's a good Dad and usually happy to help.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 20/01/2017 13:44

This is the childcare that's on offer. He either accepts it gracefully (as its bloody free!) or he arranges alternative childcare which he would have to pay for.

Presumably when he gets home at half 4 your parents would be leaving anyway.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 13:46

Unreasonable.
Your parents are putting themselves out by driving an hour each way to your home so that you.or your husband doesn't have to.
If he's home for lunch, I assume that's half an hour, ten minutes of which he'll have his mouth full so won't need to chat. Then at the end of the day 5 minutes of "thanks very much PILs, I'll let you get off before the traffic gets too heavy"
You agree in advance what your mum can and can't do around the house. Ask her not to go in your bedroom cos your DH is funny about privacy, (roll your eyes at this point)

What does he suggest instead?

Original poster

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:46

And he's said he would get up earlier and drop DS off at my parents if required

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 13:48

He's being daft

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2017 13:49

Surely all he has to do is to go to a cafe twice a week and send your parents on their way when he gets home at 4.30? What on earth is he complaining about?

Original poster

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:49

I have offered to meet my parents half way with DS, but they said they don't care about the driving, it's the fact that they don't want little one in the car for 2hrs per day.

OP posts:

MardyGrave · 20/01/2017 13:50

Is your mother likely to do stuff around the house? Answer honestly. Look in cupboards or letters, clean, go into your bedroom etc.

I know plenty of women who would feel undermined by their mil being in their home while they aren't in, and having to make polite small talk with them during their lunch break.

Original poster

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:51

We live in the country - no cafes around! So it would be lunch in a workshop with no heating / facilities. Or he could come home to a warm house and talk to my Mum 😂

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 13:51

Yep, he's being a prize arse here. Your parents are helping massively here and he's acting like a spoilt child - all 'me me me'. So what exactly would your mum do round the house that his Lordship wouldn't like?

OneWithTheForce · 20/01/2017 13:51

Couldn't he just have his lunch at work those two days?

Brankolium · 20/01/2017 13:52

He's being silly. Being looked after by his lovely grandparents without having to go in the car twice a day is clearly the best option for your DS (assuming there's no other details missing).

If your husband is willing to pay for childcare then perhaps he could fork out the cash for your parents to take DS out for a nice lunch every day so he can come home to an empty house. Winners all round!

Original poster

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:53

Normally yes, she couldn't help herself. I'd have to make both of my parents swear not to do anything but look after LO and themselves. That's what I mean - would I want to talk to my PIL during and after a shitty day at work? (Actually I wouldn't mind but everyone's different)

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 13:53

So - be a grown up and talk to your mum for 2 days a week, or take food in a thermos 2 days a week and eat in the car or the workshop? Both are perfectly doable.

OneWithTheForce · 20/01/2017 13:53

I have to say, my mum minds my DC if I have to work on a saturday and she does things I don't like. (Start a washload that I wasn't ready to start or fill the cupboard with snacks the DC will devour in minutes!) but I just accept that as a very cheap price of her providing free childcare.

Batteriesallgone · 20/01/2017 13:54

Sounds like your parents have your child's best interests at heart, but your DH is putting himself first.

Unless he genuinely wants DS to go to more structured childcare but is avoiding having that chat because he knows it would upset you?

I always think the child's house is better for in home childcare. It's presumably all properly childproofed, grandparents houses often aren't (understandably!)

Original poster

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:54

Good plan Brankolium 👌

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 13:54

2 days a week over lunch that is- he'll be saying a quick goodbye to her at 4.30.

cookiefiend · 20/01/2017 13:56

What a lovely offer from your parents. I think he is being unreasonable, but can unserstand him feeling a bit uncomfortable. Can you ask him to give it a try and address any issues as they come up? Two hours in the car is a long time for your son.

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