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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want PIL to look after our son at our house...

80 replies

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:30

I'm going back to work 3 days per week. My husband's parents have agreed to look after our son one day per week - their house is on my way to work, so it's easy to drop him off. My parents live an hour away, but have agreed to do two days per week. They have said they would prefer to come to our house to look after him, saying they don't want DS spending all that time in the car. DH doesn't want this, as he comes home for lunch and finishes at 4.30pm (early starts) - meaning he'd have to see my parents quite a lot. He gets on well with them and loves them, but feels them being in our house is an invasion of his privacy, and that my Mum would do stuff around the house, which he doesn't want. He doesn't have the same close relationship with his family as I do mine, so I don't have a problem with it. Now I'm faced with an awkward decision to offend my parents by telling them they can't look after him here (seems like we don't trust them/they're not welcome) or to make hubby unhappy. I can't look at this objectively, because they're my parents. Is hubby being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:57

Yep, I have said that they've been times when I don't want to talk to his folks but I just suck it up. He says DS is often in the car for 2hours if we go for a day out at the weekends.

OP posts:
Orangebird69 · 20/01/2017 13:58

He's being a dick. It's not much fun for the dc being stuck in a car seat for 2 hours a day. Yanbu. He is being VU.

Lunar1 · 20/01/2017 14:01

If they have form for rooting around I don't blame him to be honest!

Gazelda · 20/01/2017 14:02

Surely he'll be playing with DC when he comes home for lunch, with the odd smile and nod at your parents.
I think 'doesn't want to interact with PIL' is BS, his biggest concern is your DM doing unwanted stuff around your home. Which I can understand. But hopefully an honest conversation between the 4 of you will stop that before it starts.

876TaylorMade · 20/01/2017 14:02

It's his house as well ... not wanting someone in there doing unnecessary things is perfectly normal. Perhaps he uses his lunch time to unwind... and doesn't want to spend it making small talk. Talk to your mother ... if you have as close a relationship as you say it should be easy setting boundaries.

I personally don't see how 4 hours over two days is that bad.

And what is wrong with your parents house? Is it simply because they don't want your LO in the car why they have suggested doing it at your house?

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 14:02

Wouldn't say rooting around, my Dad tried to fix the washing machine once - apparently did it the wrong way - but he was just trying to be helpful...

OP posts:
BusterTheBulldog · 20/01/2017 14:04

If he's happy to pay then surely paying for childcare solves this?

I don't blame him not wanting his lunch interrupted by inlaws-I would hate this-I do get on with them but wouldn't like it if they were in my 'space'. Obviously if I couldn't afford childcare i'd suck it up, but if there's other options I would prefer to take them!

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 14:05

Yep he does use it to unwind and doesn't want to make small talk. Nothing wrong with my parents house, they just say about the car journey for DS, though I suspect partly my Dad wants to get out his house and avoid chores there 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Happyinthehills · 20/01/2017 14:06

Surely he can see it should be best interest of child that counts? And in their own home must be best?
Yes - pay for their lunches out with your LO.
It would've a good idea anyway to have 'ground rules' for housework that you would be comfortable with- pegging out washing? Loading dishwasher?
Just for if your parents did want to help. (By the way it's not DH helping if it's his child / his house he's he's doing things for - it's just what he should do..)

bumpertobumper · 20/01/2017 14:07

What about doing one day at each house? So only one day of car journeys for ds, only one day of him having to hangout with your parents, less driving for them too.
Could that be an acceptable compromise?

peasandquiet · 20/01/2017 14:09

Both my mum and MIL look after our son in our home. I'm so so so grateful for the free childcare and would therefore never attempt to change it but I really hate that someone else is in our home all day, MIL for example often makes our bed, a really kind gesture but subconsciously makes me feel like a let down for not making my own bed of a morning. My other bug bear is they often cook smelly food so the house constantly smells, I should have shares in febreeze.
How far away are your parents? Maybe one day at theirs and one at yours?
Also if you hband is getting home earlier he can do a collection run surely?

Lowlandgarlic · 20/01/2017 14:13

I think he's being a bit silly when it would be in your Ds best interests and it would be the best scenario, but then I cant help but think about all the posts on here about meddling MIL. Although that's not perhaps how you see your mother I guess that might be how he's feeling / seeing it.

I love my MIL and I would be happy with this setup but OH would not entertain coming home to his own mother never mind mine but then there is more to it than that for us.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 14:13

I'd prefer if my parents looked after LO than him go to childcare at the moment, and we can't really afford it. I have suggested one day at each. I think that's the path I'll try and pursue.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 20/01/2017 14:13

I can understand why he would prefer that they weren't there, I used to feel a little like that whenever my parents came to look after DS. Fine if it was just DM but when it was the two of them - they - or mostly DF took over the house.

However it's not realistic for him to expect them or your DS in the car. He could surely use those two lunch times to go for a walk in the park, and with your DPs being there perhaps the two of you could have an occasional night out ( after checking that GPs are not too tired).

Has he worked out or been shown, how much money you would save by not paying for 2 days of childcare each week? That would certainly pay for a family holiday each year which might help him get his head round the idea.

The one thing I would say though is as you are fully reliant on GPs for childcare you've got to be careful as they are obviously going to want to go on holiday or be ill or not available from time to time.

FondantNancy · 20/01/2017 14:15

So for for a couple of hours a day, two days a week he'd have to make polite conversation with your parents? Gosh, poor man. What a nightmare for him. Hmm

mistermagpie · 20/01/2017 14:18

He's being silly! I'm no great fan of my PIL's really but I wouldn't mind chatting to them over lunch twice a week and doing a quick handover at the end of the day, especially for free childcare. Where I live they are saving you over £400 a month for doing two days a week!

My MIL does a day a week at her house (two minutes from mine) and is forever losing DS's things, clothes, toyts etc. At least if they are at your house then this won't happen, plus you don't have to faff about with packed lunches and changes of clothes in the morning. If he's worried about her snooping (my MIL would definitely do this) then get a lock for the bedroom door and keep private stuff in there.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 14:18

FondantNancy 😂

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 20/01/2017 14:20

Maybe he has been on mn reading about mil that root through drawers /buy new bedding /tidy things away never to be seen again? Maybe if ground rules were in place about no need to go in your bedroom etc? tidy any if his things - I can see his point about taking over 'his' place. .

Jaxhog · 20/01/2017 14:20

YABU. Sorry OP, I'm with your DH. I wouldn't PiL in my house either. My Mil, for example, has form for scouring my lovely plastic bath. My DM would 'tidy' up. It would drive me bonkers.

If you're happy with DS spending time in the car, what's that got to do with your DPs anyway? He's your (you and DH) son, not theirs.

And if DH is happy to take him there and collect him, I don't see the problem. It's 2 hours they will be together bonding, which has to be good surely?

ChippyDucks · 20/01/2017 14:24

I can understand not wanting to deal with small talk etc as soon as he gets in the door from work, but if my dh gets back from work and my parents are with my dc, they wait long enough to let him have a shower in peace and a cup of tea . I think he's romanticising what it will be like driving a little one back for an hour (maybe more, depending on traffic) and in reality dealing with your child's needs before his own (changing nappies, possible feeding, cleaning up) might give him a shock. I'm presuming here he does a manual job where he'll be dirty etc and want to get showered and cleaned as soon as he gets in (from you saying he would be in a workshop).

FeckinCrutches · 20/01/2017 14:25

So he'd rather pay £3/400 a month than talk to your parents for an hour over lunch?

NuffSaidSam · 20/01/2017 14:25

Your DH would be unreasonable if he didn't want your parents in his house and didn't offer any alternatives.

Given that he is happy to either send DS to nursery/a childminder or get up early and drive DS to your parents (and presumably, go and pick him up in the afternoon) I don't think he is being unreasonable.

It's a bit odd, but everyone is allowed their foibles.

user1478860582 · 20/01/2017 14:31

If he would rather pay for childcare or drive a significant distance rather than have them at your house, then I suggest that he might have quite strong reservations about them being there.

It's his house as well.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 14:32

I agree with the others who say one day per week at each house, with your DH taking him to their house when required.
Agree to try both ways for three months then assess the pros and cons of each to decide if you continue half and half , or opt for one place for them to look after him

archersfan22 · 20/01/2017 14:33

Is your son currently quite young and therefore easygoing about long car journeys? It is likely to get trickier as he gets older.
For example, what if he falls asleep in the car on the way home - will he sleep at bedtime? This wasn't a problem for me when mine was 1, for example, but now (nearly 3) I have to really avoid driving anywhere after about 2pm if possible because bedtime becomes such a nightmare.