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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want PIL to look after our son at our house...

80 replies

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:30

I'm going back to work 3 days per week. My husband's parents have agreed to look after our son one day per week - their house is on my way to work, so it's easy to drop him off. My parents live an hour away, but have agreed to do two days per week. They have said they would prefer to come to our house to look after him, saying they don't want DS spending all that time in the car. DH doesn't want this, as he comes home for lunch and finishes at 4.30pm (early starts) - meaning he'd have to see my parents quite a lot. He gets on well with them and loves them, but feels them being in our house is an invasion of his privacy, and that my Mum would do stuff around the house, which he doesn't want. He doesn't have the same close relationship with his family as I do mine, so I don't have a problem with it. Now I'm faced with an awkward decision to offend my parents by telling them they can't look after him here (seems like we don't trust them/they're not welcome) or to make hubby unhappy. I can't look at this objectively, because they're my parents. Is hubby being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 14:33

Trouble is, paying for childcare will make a significant difference to your combined spending money

mainlywingingit · 20/01/2017 14:34

He sounds really selfish. Even if paying childcare is an option you are denying grandparents and DC some amazing bonding time and really hurtful. I would be on my hands and knees saying thank you.
CN you not explain that it would be good if husband came back quietly for a sandwich and not saw DC and just had some quiet time somewhere? And the 4.30 thing is unreal, he can have a wind down shower and spend some time with his son and relive your parents so they can drive home!! I would be being very firm with DH on this one!

Orangetoffee · 20/01/2017 14:36

Well if he'd rather spend 4 hours in the car doing drop off an pick up than talking to your parents and be home at 4.30 then fine up to him.

littledinaco · 20/01/2017 14:42

I think your DH is being really selfish. I wouldn't want to put my DC in car unnecessarily for that length of time. I agree with you about your parents looking after him rather than paying for childcare.

Also, your DH would get to see DS when he comes home for lunch. Surely that's worth having to chat to your parents for a bit (although I do get that it's slightly annoying). When I worked with my first, I would have LOVED to see DD at lunch time and would have put up with chatting to anyone! I find he really strange he wouldn't be happy to have the opportunity to do this.

When you have DC, it's your job to put them first. If your DH feels it would be in DS best interest to avoid the long car journey then that's what he should do.

Scrowy · 20/01/2017 14:43

I would absolutely hate this if I was in your husband's position so I completely understand where he is coming from, even if I accept that probably makes me a bit unreasonable.

I think most people if they were honest and reversed the situation wouldn't be overly comfortable with coming back to make small talk with their PILs in an afternoon, particularly if they were actually trying to work from home. It's one of those things that from a sensible practical perspective sounds reasonable, but from a personal perspective is actually a big deal even if it seems a bit silly to other people.

Iggi999 · 20/01/2017 14:43

So it's only lunchtime that is the issue? The workshop has no facilities - i.e. a toilet? Surely there is the facility to plug in a heater for an hour.
I would not like to spend lunch with my mil but for two days a week to get free childcare, I would find it in me.
Any car journey carries a risk (I wouldn't be happy about my parents driving two hours a day in the winter either) and that is a lot of journeys with a child. It would be hard for your parents not to take offence at the implications either.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 20/01/2017 14:47

Tell him to take a thermos and a sandwich to work with him twice a week if he's so unsociable he doesn't want to chat to your parents in his lunch break!

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 14:48

wouldn't be overly comfortable with coming back to make small talk with their PILs in an afternoon, particularly if they were actually trying to work from home.

He's not - he's coming home once he finishes work and will be taking over the childcare. I'm sure that they can agree it will just be a case of doing a quick handover to let her parents get on their way before it gets too late. He doesn't work from home by the sounds of it - he works in a workshop.

NickyEds · 20/01/2017 16:14

archers makes a good point about the car journey too. Friends of ours have an hours commute with their now 3 year old and it's a nightmare, she inevitably falls asleep in the car and they either wake her and have a terrible time getting her to bed or don't wake her,not her straight to bed and she's up at 5. If your dh finishes at 4.30 he would get to your parents at 5.30 ish, depending on traffic, so wouldn't get home until 6.30 ish, again depending on traffic. My 3 year old would certainly fall asleep in that time.

It's 2 bloody lunchtimes and in return he gets free childcare, saves 4 hours driving for him and 2 hours for your son two days a week. He needs to grow up.

mainlywingingit · 20/01/2017 18:52

Ok so call me a suspicious bitch but this is odd.

So, he's so unhappy about it for 2 lunchtimes that he is but is prepared for paying childcare - vs having it free. Bit strange. I would be a bit dumbfounded to be honest.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/01/2017 13:51

Assuming his workplace if has no heating /facilities etc - how does he survive all day in the cold with no loo .....

Tell him to take sarnies and flask of soup for 2days

I can understand wanting peace /chill out for lunch so other option is that dh pays for them to go out for lunch /soft play while he is at home

To drive 2hrs with a toddler and 4hrs in all there and back is insane

I would have house rules tho and say no doing washing /tidying etc so no need to go rummaging thr drawers

cherrycrumblecustard · 21/01/2017 13:53

Being totally honest here I understand. It's difficult to say why but personally I would hate someone to be in my home ... I don't know, I do understand his feelings though

finova · 21/01/2017 14:03

Would your parents want to stay overnight?
If so, I can see his point.

Would they leave at 4.30 to 'beat the traffic' or stay to have dinner with you most days?
Again I can see this might get a bit much, eg if they hang around for dinner, then bathtime etc

If this was my inlaws they would love spending time with their grandchild so much that if they were doing Tues and Wed, would suggest coming Monday night and want to leave late on Wed....

If they are planning to usually leave shortly after your husband gets in he is definitely being unreasonable. He can always have lunch at work one day, and have a nice chat to your parents the other.

finova · 21/01/2017 14:09

Though I'd not even thought about the potential for them to do 'helpful jobs' in the house if they are both there. Not sure I'd be keen...

alltouchedout · 21/01/2017 14:10

DH doesn't want this, as he comes home for lunch and finishes at 4.30pm (early starts) - meaning he'd have to see my parents quite a lot

I have tried many times to type out a reasonable and polite reply here, but it's beyond me. I can't get my head round your DH, who sounds like a right up himself whinger.

cherrycrumblecustard · 21/01/2017 14:10

I think it's because they are kind of coming on your territory? A bit like in The Little House, for anyone who has read it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2017 14:16

I think your DH is being rather petulant.
Your DS will be better off in his own home, with your parents kindly looking after him. They are also saving you money.
However, if your DH is an introvert, or socially inadequate, this has to be taken in to consideration.
As suggested above, the compromise, could be one day a week at your house, and him dropping him off, the other.
Like you, I would prefer him to be cared for by family members.

thisgirlrides · 21/01/2017 23:27

If your dc goes to your parents for the 2 days, what time will he get home? dc will inevitably nod off on the way home meaning tricky bedtimes not to mention inconvenience to your free childcare parents so can't help but think DH is just trying to shirk parenting duties Hmm

OVienna · 22/01/2017 15:08

What scrowy said. Sorry. I can see where he's coming from.

Iggi999 · 22/01/2017 18:21

You did notice that Scrowny spoke about working from home, which the dh in this case doesn't do?

OVienna · 22/01/2017 23:01

I didnt read it as the main point she was making. I just feel there is more to the DH's views than is represented here.

rollonthesummer · 23/01/2017 07:35

Would your parents leave at 4.30 or would they expect dinner etc?

MistressMaisie · 23/01/2017 07:53

Tell DH it is just for the first year (or so) while DS is little, in the future he can go to theirs.

HSMMaCM · 23/01/2017 13:15

I agree with most others. Tell your dh to take a sandwich or flask twice a week. Parents leave at 4:30.

You do not want your ds falling asleep on the drive home.

If this leaves you with a few hundred £££ spare a month, which you would have spent on childcare, then put it in a savings account. You can use it for a fabulous holiday future childcare expenses.

Cherrysoup · 23/01/2017 21:04

I would hate this. I'd want to come home, relax, not have to chat with my pil or anyone else. I totally see his POV. I also see yours, OP. Financially and logistically, it makes sense to have your parents over.