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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

How do I ask my au pair to wash her hair???

162 replies

MiddleAgedMother · 18/06/2016 07:58

That's it really. But it's seriously greasy, I thought it was wet!
She is very sweet, 19, but I have no idea how to approach it.
Older DC commenting on it too just not yet to her.
Thought she had yesterday but then it didn't dry so not..........

OP posts:
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NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 20/06/2016 12:30

Would you like someone with greasy hair looking after your children? Hygiene is a fairly key point with childcare.

I really wouldn't mind. One of the women who worked at my son's nursery had unattractively lank and greasy hair, wore scruffy tracksuit bottoms and t shirt etc. She was lovely, kind, gentle, had sound childcare practice. She didn't smell, so I presume she was fundamentally clean, and beyond that I genuinely don't see the issue. The fact that her hair was greasy didn't mean she was carrying diseases, or wouldn't ensure he washed his hands after using the toilet, or whatever, so I am really still lost as to why it might make her unsuitable for working in childcare. In terms of role modelling the only things that matter to me - kindness, patience, conflict resolution, being interested in the world, having fun - she was excellent.

Running fingers through hair then touching things - yes, sympathies. Although again, that's true of anyone who uses any kind of product on their hair. I can't help inwardly wincing when my son cuddles up under my chin if his scalp has recently been oiled, because I'm instinctively like 'nooo! Get your oil off my poor spot-prone face!' but I have to manage that reaction, because I love that he's cuddling me and his hair needs oiling. In a way, this isn't the same thing (his hair needs oil vs your nanny's needs washing, etc) - but it amounts to the same thing.

In any other employment context, I still don't get it. Employees or colleagues smelling, yes, intervene. Whether a nanny/au pair or someone in a huge office. It affects you because having to smell something unpleasant is not nice. Genuinely don't see how unwashed hair is comparable.

Fwiw OP I think Orwell is right that it's other people's attitudes on this thread that are worrying, rather than yours - I don't think it was you who said to tell her to wash her hair every day, which is quite frankly awful for almost everyone's hair. And I'm sorry that you think I was being unkind or unhelpful by checking whether she was able to lock doors and make sure nobody could come in while she was using the shower - I meant it as helpful. I remember, when I was much the same age as her, being uncomfortable using bathrooms at other people's houses if I couldn't lock the door. Not because I particularly thought they would come in on me, but I felt vulnerable around it, it was an issue I had, and thought was worth eliminating this possibility in your case.

wizzywig · 20/06/2016 15:13

Is she doing that 'if i dont wash my hair for long enough, my hair will start cleaning itself' thing?

iwuddarryl · 20/06/2016 15:22

Was she clean at interview?

I feel your pain. I can't stand being around smelly people and smelly hair is truly horrible.
You and your children shouldn't have to put up with a dirty smell in your home environment.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/06/2016 15:27

Mention her hair looks a bit greasy, ask if she needs a different shampoo. If you're going to say anything at all, you might as well get it over with. This is how I used to poke my sisters into washing their hair, although it came naturally so probably sounded a bit more genuine.

iwuddarryl · 20/06/2016 15:27

And yes greasy hair does smell.
The person who has the greasy hair might think it doesn't, but trust me, it does.

PolitelyDisagree · 20/06/2016 16:21

I wouldn't bother with all this angst'ing, just tell her that you've noticed her hair looks greasy and that you would like her to wash it more often. If you really want to soften the blow you could say that the water in your area is particularly soft or hard or whatever and that she might be using too little or too much shampoo or conditioner but leave it at that. Short and simple is the way to go.

Don't say anything about being a role model.

StealthPolarBear · 20/06/2016 16:22

"You are picking up some parenting responsibility in the absence of her mum. That isn't condescending, it's the reality of living with young adults."
Condescending and sexist imo. I was living as a lodger 300 miles away from parents at 19. I'd have been horrified if my landlord felt in loco parentis.
If you say something to her (and I thibk you should ) it needs to be as one grown up to another.

BettyDraper1 · 20/06/2016 16:31

I would just have a not-about-anything cup of tea with her and sneakily work a suggestion in, like 'Oh! I tried this amazing shampoo the other day, it was 2 for 1 so you can have a bottle if you like. It really cleanses your hair which is great because my hair gets really greasy, which isn't great, etc. etc.'

yougotitdude · 20/06/2016 16:58

I also think you just have to be blunt.

I would perhaps say YABU if your children weren't old enough to be picking up on it etc- but as they are, and they are questioning why they can't do the same, YANBU. Naturally you are your children's parent and as you make the decisions on what is best for them- you need to encourage your nanny to partake in personal hygiene. Just be blunt. Kind but blunt. Just details the reasons that you have said on here and I don't think you would BU to do so.

I will be honest and say I can be super lazy when it comes to washing my hair- it's super thick and wavy so can take over an hour to wash, condition and dry into a managable style. I wash it once/twice a week. Daily washing is uncessecary- if anything it will strip the hair of it's natural oils and will ruin your hair.

Go and buy some nice shampoo and conditioner, sit down with your nanny tonight and have a chat.

Pearlman · 20/06/2016 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 20/06/2016 17:39

Having greasy hair doesn't mean her hygiene is inadequate. You wouldn't say that someone with dry or frizzy hair had hygiene issues.

I really, really don't think you can dictate how often she washed her hair or how "clean" you want her to keep it.
However, it may be less unreasonable to ask her to tie her hair back while she is on duty. I know a lot of nursery expect their staff to tie hair back if it is not short.

Fairuza · 20/06/2016 17:48

I would just say 'it's important that you are a role model for the children, and I want them to see adults have clean hair and are well presented'.

Fairuza · 20/06/2016 17:50

Lots of nurseries have instructions for staff about being clean, well presented, maintaining good personal hygiene, clean uniforms, no nail varnish etc.

PrettyDumb · 20/06/2016 17:52

Get her to take the kids swimming every couple of days?

whomovedmychocolate · 20/06/2016 18:10

Is it possible she has health issues causing the greasy hair (PCOS for example)? Or that she's depressed and uninterested in her appearance for that reason?

I empathise OP. I had a nanny who was a stranger to the ways of the shower. I spoke to her on her own about it and she grudgingly agreed to shower at least three times a week. TBH though, it soured things between us and as always in these things you have to work out if it's worth running the risk of her buggering off.

You don't have to be mean about it at all. Just matter of fact is the way to go. I have had to speak to staff in offices in similar manners. (I always got bloody elected as the manager to deal with the whiffers!) Good luck!

FrakIsBack · 20/06/2016 18:12

At 19, and a nanny, I had horrifyingly greasy hair that I washed every day. It turned out it was the pill making my hormones go nuts. Is there a possibility she is washing her hair but it's just very greasy? You can't exactly all if she's on the pill though.

It also took me years to rebalance my hair from daily washing, I now only need to wash it twice a week.

Tbh I don't think there's a lot you can say other than reiterate that hygiene is important, and definitely put a stop to the hairbrush sharing.

Happy101415 · 20/06/2016 18:23

how long has she been with you..why dont you pull her aside and ask hows shes finding it ..settleing in ect ask her if she has managed to work everyting(i.eshower) ect and ask her if theres a reason she hadnt washed her hair is she able to use the shower or if theres another reason..tell her you know its a personal issue but you wanted to make there isnt an issue ..if she has no issurle just say oh im sorry its just the kids had mentioned her hair was unwashed..take it from there :) just be kind and not rude about it Smile

Queenbean · 20/06/2016 18:23

Some of these responses are so awkward.

Asking her to do this role play where she makes a big deal of being clean for your children? Weird. Buying her a cheap, crap shampoo as a gift and then presenting it to her like its frankincense and myrrh that she "just has" to try. Weird.

Just be honest with her.

stressedmum82 · 20/06/2016 18:25

I think you have valid reasons for saying something to her but make sure you say it in private to her (without children or anyone else around) and try to be as kind as possible!

dorisdog · 20/06/2016 18:27

It might be that there's a good reason for it. Sometimes people stop washing properly when they're experiencing a mental health problem. Someone I once knew had to avoid detergent for a while because of a skin complaint. It might be embarrassing for her.

I'm kind of with the posters who say 'be brief, blunt and kind,' but maybe also steer the conversation so that she can tell you if there's a problem?

Tatiana11235 · 20/06/2016 18:36

I'm amused at the amount of people who said it's none of OP's business Confused

You must tell her! Be gentle and tactful but don't beat about the bush. I wouldn't go down 'I have seen this amazing shampoo' road as she clearly doesn't have enough self-awareness to connect the two. I'd ask if there's an issue with her shower that's stopping her from using it as you've noticed her hair doesn't look clean.

You'd be doing her a favour. She might not realise how important it is to be clean especially in a work setting.

Janeymoo50 · 20/06/2016 18:37

Is she British? Homesick? Does she have her own bathroom? I nannied once where I had to share the bathroom, not a problem in itself but the door had no lock at all. Three small children in the house and three other adults. I hated showering etc when they were there, used to shower/hairwash at 2pm every afternoon during the kids' nap time!

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 20/06/2016 18:39

It is very unusual for a girl of her age to have such a lack of awareness about her appearance.
Does she dress fashionably or ever wear make up?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 20/06/2016 18:42

Happy- noooooo that's so awkward. Don't bring the kids into it at all.

How long has she actually been with you OP?

amarmai · 20/06/2016 18:47

It will lead to fewer invites for your dc as other mums may feel the same.

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