How do I ask my au pair to wash her hair???

[MiddleAgedMother]

That's it really. But it's seriously greasy, I thought it was wet!
She is very sweet, 19, but I have no idea how to approach it.
Older DC commenting on it too just not yet to her.
Thought she had yesterday but then it didn't dry so not..........

I'm totally with Yvaine on this one. I had several au pairs over the years including one who, though a nice girl, had pretty dodgy hygiene standards.
No point pussyfooting around it you just need to say "while you are living with us we would like you to shower every day using soap and wash your hair every other day with shampoo. Sorry, but that is a house rule". Pleasant but firm. That is all you need to do.

My view on this was that I was effectively her mum as she was only a young adult and she needed to learn good habits which would benefit her throughout her life. I think because I was matter of fact about it she was fine with it.

Part of childcare tutoring is telling students that they must maintain standards of hygiene and dress, so it is part of the job.

I generally explain that we are here to set an example to children and washing showering keeping clean hair is part of it..

Your in is the nits if your not feeling brave....everyone in the house hold needs to be treated and that includes daily combing with conditioner and nit comb....im sure you must have worries bout one of the children so want all the family checked and combed daily for a week then at least once a week don't you.......?

Yvaine that's what I'd do too.

I can't believe I'm reading this there you go my first

"You are a role model for my children. That includes high standards of personal hygiene. Is there something physical preventing you from showering and hair washing daily? What can we do to help you be acceptably clean"?

I think there are two potential reasons for poor hygiene. The person is just dirty or the person has mental health problems.

You have to be direct with this kind of thing. Some posters might be shocked but I will hazard a guess they haven't lived with 19 year old non family members before!

If she was your daughter you would say something and you are picking up some parenting responsibility in the absence of her mum. That isn't condescending, it's the reality of living with young adults.

Coded, roundabout statements are embarrassing. Just say it matter of factly and everyone can move on.

Maybe I'm missing the point of 'setting a good example', but I would expect my child to understand that his hair is washed with xx frequency, and if an adult's hair is washed less frequently that's (in part) because they're an adult and can decide for themselves.

I only wash my hair a couple of times a week myself, so guessing some on this thread would find me an unacceptable nanny. And DS's is too fragile to wash more than weekly...

I would be wincing on the hairbrushes. But I'd say "please can you not share the children's hairbrushes". We don't share them in my family anyway.

So she's an unqualified nanny with a bit of experience? If she is being paid as a nanny she needs to act like a nanny, and this includes having good personal hygiene, and behaving appropriately in front of the DC, for example not eating a plate full of chocolate, while the DC are expected to eat broccoli and carrots.

I would tell her this. Nicely but firmly. It would be passive aggressive, but you could ask her why she hasn't washed her hair recently, or you could just tell her you expect her to be clean, and in order to set an example to your chidlren she needs to wash her hair. Be calm, polite, but firm.

It is affecting her job!

Do what Yvaine suggested. Be straight but be very kind.

Yep. What Yvaine said.

Don't start talking about hygiene being important to your family, not using brushes etc- just do what Yvaine said and tell her to go and have a shower while you watch the kids.

And if you've never said sweetheart or darling in your life, say it now!

When i was a teen i did live-in babysitting for my uncle. When i arrived i discovered the bathroom door was broken so it didnt shut tight or lock and the kids were a 'spirited' lot who would think it a bucket load of fun to come in whilst I was showering. So i didnt shower for about 3/4 days (felt grim as i was used to a daily shower) and i didnt feel comfortable asking my uncle if he could do something about it. Afterall, he and his wife were happily showering with DC running in and out. Eventually my aunt just told me i needed to shower as i hadnt since i arrived. I waited til about 10.30pm and the dcs were sleeping to be sure they wouldnt come in.

Is it possible there is something like that preventing your au pair using the shower? Does she feel safe using the bathroom? That she will have privacy?

I guess I need to just get on with it. Have shooed everyone else off for showers!

Mrs Specter, she has an ensuite bathroom and DC are not allowed in her room or even to knock if she is off duty!

Truthfully can't even recall if there is a lock but no one would go into the bedroom never mind the bathroom. It's no where near DCs as not even on same floor.

I have been trying to think if it was anything like that but I don't think so. And when DC are at school it couldn't be!

I like IrenetheQuaint suggestion

Tried that. She had the youngest in the shower in seconds!

I think she either just doesn't realise or uses a heavy moisture shampoo. Or is rationing?

I would buy some Tresemme and give it to her and say, you have to try this, it is lovely. I bought extra cos it was on special offer...

YY Pearlman.

This thread is making me cross now.

OP your latest post suggests the au pair/nanny may have no way of properly locking the door when she's using the shower (either the bathroom door or her bedroom door) - is that the case?

It may be the case she just has different ideas about what is an appropriate frequency of hair washing (if any employer told me I had to wash mine daily I'd want to take them to a tribunal, frankly) - but I also wonder whether this is bothering her. You know that none of the family would come in on her unexpectedly, but she's not able to make sure of it.

Still baffled by the need for her to set a good example by keeping her hair clean, though. Do you also expect her to eat up all her peas, go to bed at 8pm, make her bed after breakfast, in order to "be a good example"? Adults necessarily have more autonomy of their own bodies and habits, compared with children.

Crumbs. All I wanted was advice.

Would you like someone with greasy hair looking after your children? Hygiene is a fairly key point with childcare.

Running your fingers through your hair and then touching things......

Telling my DD she can't braid her nanny's hair? What message would that give?

She is being well paid - she's not on au pair wages. She is young and with less but not no experience as that is what happens with older DC - the norlanders and experienced nannies like young children!

She can't take me to a tribunal for asking her to be a role model - I am very clear on this with all our nannies. Have been for years.
Wouldn't hire one who wasn't at interview.
And she is still on probation.

She's nice - and as many have said, likely just young and hasn't noticed.

So it's a difficult call on how to talk about it as I don't want to upset her.

Previous nannies have liked the accommodation - it's not a flat but it's large and well set out. No one has mentioned locks - and I don't go in there - but I asked and there is.
Not sure what it's got to go with greasy hair though. We and DC are on different floors - and DC never go in to her accommodation and nor do we!

Will try and catch her without DC this evening.

Thanks to those who have been helpful and kind. We need to get past this if she is to continue as our nanny - and we like her so I do want her to.

To those who have been so judgy and critical - I wish you luck If ever in a similar situation.

I disagree that it's not your business if she washes her hair. If she was working in an office and there were complaints then HR would deal with it. Look how many threads there are on here about colleagues who don't wash and how grim it is.

And as a nanny you are in direct contact with children and you need to be clean. I remember turning up for work once and our boiler was broken and the first thing I did was apologise and had a shower as soon as my charge had a nap! That was once in umpteen years otherwise it was squeaky clean all the way!

OP you sound very fair, but some comments on here are worrying. Nanny = employee. To those of you in responsible / managerial positions: if one of your team
Had greasy hair that wasn't causing problems other than you not enjoying the sight of it, then you would be v v v unreasonable to question it! And sorry, but you're not her mum, you're her boss. If it's causing mess or is smelly, then yes you need to ask her to ensure she washes her hair at least once per week. If it's not smelly, then it's not your problem. And maybe she doesn't like the DC braiding her hair. I was a nanny for 3 years and I wouldn't allow the LO's to play with my hair, I just don't like having my hair touched. Point is, it's my hair!!

Please do double check she can work the shower.