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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

AIBU - Au Pair

107 replies

Ralphsmummy · 04/10/2013 10:08

Am I being unreasonble?

We have an au pair. We have just had a bit of a calamity - husband in a serious bike crash last night - broken arm and ribs. Unusually, I have to go away for the weekend for a family wedding five hours away - I'm planning to take the two big kids with me, but leaving the 2.5 year old.

Au pair is basically refusing to help him out over the weekend. I appreciate its her days off, but to be honest its an emergency, and she stays in her room all day anyway (then goes out at night and gets back in at 6am, but thats another story). I'd be happy to pay more.

Is it me, or her?!

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Onesleeptillwembley · 05/10/2013 01:49

Your husband may be injured but you going to a wedding, and you leaving your youngest, are NOT an emergency. You could easily take the youngest. Don't pin this on her - YABVVU.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/10/2013 02:08

Yanbu to ask ap to work overtime but yabu to be cross she said no - it's her spare time

Saying that

Seems weird she said no but maybe she had plans - ie why does she have to cancel what she is doing for you - but most nannies would bend over backwards for their family (but obv is an ap not nanny)

I know you are now not going to the wedding - but if dh wasn't in an accident how would you have got there - ie you say car too small other end

If you wanted to go I would have taken all 3 kids with you - that's life - without being harsh but if you can't look after 2.5 and 2 older ones by yourself then you have a problem

Or if you wanted help to get emergency nanny and take them to wedding to help you - or leave at home with youngest who tbh wouldn't give too shits about going to a wedding but would cost you lots for 48hrs care

Sorry to hear about dh - ouch at sore ribs and broken arm :( but he is alive

So have a large glass of wine and maybe Tom take 3 kids out somewhere nice as not at wedding - plus gives dh a few hours of peace

And then have a gentle cuddle with him when all dc asleep in bed

How long has ap been with you? What would have paid her ?

Sunnysummer · 05/10/2013 02:36

Sorry to hear about your DH, it sounds like a really stressful time. YANBU for asking, she is NBU to say no.

To all the people saying the au pair should clearly help out, would you be happy to work both days of the weekend (making for 12 straight days of work) if your boss's partner had broken his/her arm? You might, but you could also - very reasonably - say that you need the time off and perhaps the boss could hire a temp or find another workaround. And if that boss got angry and held that against you in future, it would be unfair as well as illegal.

No matter how well treated she is, she is still an employee and has the same right as any other employee. I've been an AP and loved it, and hope to employ APs in future, but I think it's important not to confuse treating someone like family with BEING family. Looking after someone else's children can be tiring, especially in a foreign language. and that time slobbing out in her room might be what keeps her able to do a good job for the rest of the week.

If you are keen to go, then is there a friend or family member who can help? Or maybe your AP has a nanny or AP friend who needs extra cash?

Nannyme1 · 05/10/2013 09:52

I don't think you are being UR. I guess she isn't either as she has the right to say no, I am just a completely different person and would change all my plans to help out in an emergency and have just done so quite recently. DB ended up in the hospital and I cancelled my holiday straight away (MB out of country with work no family close by) I just didn't hesitate its what was needed. I was rewarded very well for being so flexible, which I tried to decline but they wouldn't hear of it, so am now actually off to buy myself a few nice presens :)

Nannyme1 · 05/10/2013 09:54

Forgot to say while I do feel your pain and stress it is her right to say no and you can't hold it against her that wouldn't be fair and would end up ruining your relationship with her. Maybe she has plans she can't (or just doesn't want to) change but as others have said what goes around comes around if one day she wants a day off maybe you don't want to change your plans.

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/10/2013 09:55

Who was looking after the DC's while you and DH spent the night at the hospital? Was it the au pair who won't help out in an emergency by any chance?

Rushing to the hospital/being in hospital is an emergency. Going to a wedding is not. She could definitely have been more helpful, but I don't think its fair to say she won't help in an emergency.

I wonder OP how you asked the au pair about the wedding etc. Your attitude at the start of this thread wasn't great. Is there any chance that the stress and upset caused you to be short or rude to the au pair and put her back up? If she is normally helpful I would wonder why she turned you down.

Coconutty · 05/10/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 05/10/2013 10:24

Sunnysummer: "To all the people saying the au pair should clearly help out, would you be happy to work both days of the weekend (making for 12 straight days of work)"

Yes, I would. I would expect to be paid of course, or get days in lieu. But if my boss needed me there and then (particularly when I was single), I would move heaven and earth to try to help out either personally or finding alternatives. I know that if I said a flat out 'no', I would effectively be telling my boss I am a work-to-rule jobsworth. Forget promotions, forget concessions in the future from my boss.

I can understand if the OP has a history of pulling this on the aupair and she just got weary. But if it is the first time such circumstances arose, then it is very poor form for the aupair to dismiss it out of hand. Even more so, where she lives with the family and is supposedly treated as a member of the family. Seems like 'member of the family' is a one-way street in her case. I'd just treat her as an employee (and a poor one) going forward.

If it was me, I would not want her in my house under my roof for much longer after this. But that is just me.

ModeratelyObvious · 05/10/2013 10:25

This would be main care of a 2.5 year old for two days straight, including overnight. That's actually a different job to being an au pair, blueshoes.

blueshoes · 05/10/2013 10:28

All my aupairs do holiday care or look after them at home during illnesses. They get extra of course. There is nothing unusual about that.

ModeratelyObvious · 05/10/2013 11:02

Of a 2.5 year old, blue shoes?

TeamSouthfields · 05/10/2013 12:36

if my dh was in an accident I wouldn't be leaving him, especially not with a 2.5 year old but each to there own

blueshoes · 05/10/2013 14:20

I have used an aupair for wrap around care for my son when he was one. The aupair spent had 1 hour sole charge of ds before and after school. She was a sensible girl and having observed her, I would trust her with his sole charge for longer. I would not leave an aupair with a 2.5 year old unless I was confident of her abilities. It depends on the girl. I assume the OP is happy with the care her aupair provided to her 2.5 year old. Better someone who knows the routine and the child than an emergency nanny coming in cold.

Anyway, it is not sole charge or overnight care of a 2.5 year old in the OP's case. I am guessing from this statement by the OP that her dh will be around: "I was only asking if she could change nappies etc (DH can't lift), not do full childcare duties, or stay in in the evening."

ModeratelyObvious · 05/10/2013 16:08

Sure, it's not sole care but it is main care as presumably DH was quite restricted in movement, taking pain killers etc so the au pair would need to be on call most of the weekend and overnight.

I think it's quite a reasonable thing to refuse as it's well outside her "normal" duties (not just an extra night babysitting or whatever) and I think swapping au pairs on the back of this refusal is harsh as a different au pair might act exactly the same.

Anyhow, OP found another solution so all's well.

blueshoes · 05/10/2013 23:25

ModeratelyObvious, it is the attitude as much as the refusal. A good aupair will not behave in the same way but will try to work out a compromise.

When an aupair lives under your roof and takes care of your children, it evokes more emotions is more than an (live-out) employee. I would not want to share my living space or food or leave my children with someone who I feel has betrayed my trust and goodwill. Maybe not get rid right away but find a convenient juncture to part ways, for example, her next holiday or the next family holiday, I would tell her the arrangement has come to an end and she does not come back.

Laquitar · 06/10/2013 00:32

Perhaps there was a misunderstsnding about the pay? I just think that if you were going to pay extra (a reasonable pay) that should be attractive to an AP as they dont make much money. Even if she didnt want the job herself surely one of her ap friends would? There is no issue of 'a stranger' because the dad would be there.

So in the future i would a) make the extra pay clear, b) have other options ready, tbh with 3 kids you need to.

As fof your mum OP no comment.
I hope you had a good weekend in the end.

TheArticFunky · 06/10/2013 08:54

The OP's husband was in an accident, quite a shock for all concerned I imagine.

The OP asked her Au Pair for help. The Au Pair refused which she has the right to do but in refusing has demonstrated an inflexible attitude.

It's important that the OP attends the wedding as she is part of the wedding party and I imagine its the wedding of a close family relative. The OP is also under pressure to attend from her family.

The OP is accused of being selfish and having a "me me me" attitude. Seriously Hmm. What planet do some of you live on?

A suggestion by some is to leave the dh with broken arms, broken ribs and recovering from the shock of an accident in sole charge of a 2.5 year old. I'm amazed that any sane person would consider this acceptable.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/10/2013 12:48

My dh broke his ribs after trying to pull a huge tree stump out and fell over and off the wall

He was in serious pain for a good month - ha to take several weeks off work and in the end took think 6mths to heal properly

There was no way he could have looked after a young child by his self - he could barely move - let alone having a broken arm as well

Yes everyone wants to help out their employers - but I think its unfair to blame the ap and call her selfish etc

She may have been busy and tbh yes a wedding is important and lovely to attend but it's not life and death/ emergency

And op could have gone if she wanted to with all 3 kids and coped as single parents do but she didn't want to

I don't think its fair to 'fire'/let ap go coz she didn't want to work a weekend so op could have a nice time at a family wedding

OutragedFromLeeds · 06/10/2013 13:34

Taking 3 children on a train is not that hard.

Going to a wedding (that you don't even really want to go to) is not an emergency.

The au pair has definitely been inflexible, but she's been inflexible about helping the OP go to a social engagement without the hassle of dealing with her own three children. It's not the same as refusing to have the children overnight while the OP rushed to be with her DH at the hospital, which I assume she did?

Usedtomind · 06/10/2013 16:19

To say something nice about au pairs...they also get exploited, so maybe the OP got the wrong end of the stick...

I had many au pairs through the years and they confide in me the horror stories of their friends...

While interviewing for new au pair I am always shocked by the stories I hear from the other side too...

One particular au pair was desperate to leave her current family as A) they lived in the middle of nowhere B) she had to look after 3 small kids (age 2, 6 and 7) and was at home all day with the 2 years old.C) Mum and dad had been out of the country for business trips on a few occasion on the same night thus living au pair in charge at night on her own and the 2 year old was vomiting all night. D) grandfather of the children had been staying for his birthday for one week and she had to cook for him too and mainly look after him one day that week as parents at work and grandfather was in wheelchair. And the list goes on....

She was very willing to help as said she was here also to learn English and have fun and even the extra money wouldn't make up for the gloom and hard work she had to endure. She was very accommodating but some people just take advantage of it.

Also, what is extra money or bonus....a fraction of their pay like 20% or 50% of a weekly wage (20£ or 40£) that is not much...not even 100£ would be enough.I am sure that out of hours care for a sick man and a toddler for 2 days and night is much more than that...

Glad OP found in herself the safest option and stay home ...surely she wouldn't have enjoyed the wedding with the thought of dh home and sick and au pair not very happy to help?

MGMidget · 06/10/2013 21:28

I agree with Blueshoes. How long has this AP been with you and how good us she? I've had an AP do overnight care when we went to a funeral far away and didn't think it was a good thing for DS to go too. She was happy to do it and of course we were very grateful and rewarded her. Goodwill had already been built up on both sides as we had done each other favours before. I don't suppose you'll be doing this AP any favours when she asks for a day off at short notice or wants to take extra holiday... I hope for her sake she's very good at her job or I don't suppose you'll be very tolerant of her failings. At least I wouldn't be anyway!

BlackberrySeason · 08/10/2013 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

verap · 10/10/2013 15:06

Perhaps a thread where mums who live in close proximity help each other in those situations would be useful here :-)

Iamsanta · 11/10/2013 19:03

Oh OP, sorry to hear about your DH...hope he's on the mend and better soon.

I really think the ap has left you in an awful situation! Surely she could have been around and helped your DH out!

romina · 19/10/2013 23:20

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. You had had a horrible experience were obviously tired and incredibly stressed and pressured from all sides. Weddings seem to send a lot of people slightly nuts :-)

I was taken seriously ill a few months ago - went to work and didn't come home for 12 days (emergency hospitalisation). I was incredibly grateful that my au pair stepped up to the plate (probably very similar situation to OP as other care provided by my live in but elderly parents). But I would also have been really unhappy if she'd said no..... I specify that I need an au pair who is flexible and will do whatever needs to be done - but also have had feedback from 7 au pairs over 8 years that they have the easiest/best situation of all their au pair friends. We don't have specified hours, and they always know they will get extra time off/pay for any extras, as well as working less in a normal week than the "contract" says, so i'm always "in credit"!. buts its really about attitude - It's part of being a part of the family - responsibilities as well as benefits.

I'm shocked at the reaction you've had from lots of people - some people do treat au pairs like dirt, but you don't seem like that. Hope you are OK, and your DH is recovering well...