AIBU - Au Pair

[Ralphsmummy]

Am I being unreasonble?

We have an au pair. We have just had a bit of a calamity - husband in a serious bike crash last night - broken arm and ribs. Unusually, I have to go away for the weekend for a family wedding five hours away - I'm planning to take the two big kids with me, but leaving the 2.5 year old.

Au pair is basically refusing to help him out over the weekend. I appreciate its her days off, but to be honest its an emergency, and she stays in her room all day anyway (then goes out at night and gets back in at 6am, but thats another story). I'd be happy to pay more.

Is it me, or her?!

It's not an emergency!! It's a wedding!!

YANBU to ask, our to offer what it would cost you for an emergency nanny for her to do it.

But she does have a right to free time and days off, so its entirely her choice if she takes you up on an offer of extra work

Yes her reaction does sound odd.
Do you have to go to the wedding? Unless you're one of the wedding party id be cancelling tbh.

How old are your older dc?

Why were your dh and youngest child not going to the wedding anyway?

birdybear - where does the OP say she is going to leave her youngest with 'a complete stranger' - he'll be left with his father and (the OP was hoping) the au-pair, who lives in the house and is already involved with this child.

No, a wedding isn't an emergency, but it's obviously important to them.

Please note - the OP said, in her OP, that not only would she (of course) pay the au-pair, she would pay her more. I don't remember slaves ever being offered overtime.

FFS, her DH was involved in a bike crash. He could have been killed or very seriously injured (DD's godfather was paralysed from the waist down in a low-speed bike crash). Cut her some slack, why don't you.

YABU.

If it really is that serious why are you still attending the wedding?

I'm one of the wedding party. The older children are 5 and 6. Wrestling three of them on the train with bags, buggy, not enogh seats etc is vile.

I just cant decide if its better to just drive there and back with the three of them instead (about 7/8 hours each way, up crack of dawn Sat, back Sunday), not go at all, or leave youngest DS and get in extra help.

I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm torn between what my DH, DCs and family all want me to do.

I'm over the au pair thing now, although thanks for your views, its helped me get perspective.

I think it would be hard for DH to look after toddler for the weekend, ( although SAHMs with broken arms are still expected to look after their children). Maybe you can bribe AP or buy in some extra help - needn't be for the whole weekend though.
I can't quite understand how you can't fit 3 children in a car. I can fit 3 teenagers in my little Clio.
I think you'd find taking all DC with you is probably the easiest option, as it is a family wedding, so presumably there will be other family members present to give you a hand. If you take a pram, then the youngest can sleep in that if you are there in the evening. If it's a more distant relation , and a long way, you might decide it's not worth the hassle

Your poor husband He's been in a serious crash, has broken bones and his wife still wants to go away for the weekend and leave him with a 2.5 year old!

Can't believe the pasting the OP is getting. Where is her decency? Of course she should help out. OP, at least you can see cut of her now. I'd be giving her her marching orders in due course. That's very poor and mean spirited behaviour.

Bee you x-posted. She's in the wedding party.

OP do you have emergency childcare type things near you? Or could a friend come and help out? I really feel for you and your poor DH, awful thing to happen and awful timing (as tends to happen with these things).

"Ralphsmummy Fri 04-Oct-13 10:58:30

I'm one of the wedding party. The older children are 5 and 6. Wrestling three of them on the train with bags, buggy, not enogh seats etc is vile."

Makes sense thanks. Is there anyone else going to the wedding who could effectively be in charge of (one of) your children for you? Many people would be glad to help - I would in this situation. anyone travlleing from nearby who can help with lifts or help on the train?
Any chance the au pair could be enticed to come with you, and share a room with your youngest, for double salary - i'd actually just at a night in a hotel even if I did have to have it with a 2yo! :o

Leave the 5/6yos.and take the toddler

YABU.

I don't even want to go to the bloody wedding particularly! I am getting a pasting off my family for saying I don't think I can go, and have already had the older DCs crying about it, hence I am trying to come up with a solution.

If we do all go and I take the train I need to get a lift at the other end as its in the middle of nowhere (about 40 miles so too far for a cab). My mums car is too small for us all and doesn't have car seats. I need to rustle up other family and share out the kids.

I'm not sure I'll actually be capable of driving anyway, I'm too tired.

Best thing is probably not to go and face the music family wise...

Yep that's sounds best. Tbh your family should be understanding

Agree mango

I think yabu to expect her to say yes, but you must be horribly knackered and stressed. I think they key thing is the wedding isn't an emergency. Your family should be more understanding about your DH's accident and not give you stick for not going. (Maybe that's actually kind of what the AP is thinking and is making her unwilling to help out?)

Maybe take a leaf out of your AP's book in how to say now to them firmly without feeling bad?

Personally, I wouldn't even have considered going to the wedding if that had happened to my DH, but then if I was the AP I'd probably have agreed to help, even if I didn't really want to. We're all different though, and she's entitled to say no. YANBU to have asked her, but YABU to think worse of her as an employee for saying no, although if she's treated as a member of the family, as you say, then of course it's a bit different and more complicated.

If you don't really want to go to the wedding anyway, I'd say the best and easiest solution is all just to stay at home, chill out, and enjoy some time together to celebrate your DH being ok! Esp given you're so tired.

Could your oldest children being upset about missing the wedding be partly/largely to do with being strained from upset/worry about their dad? Could you do something else 'special' that would make up for it?

Good luck.

I don't think the AP is BU, but I would find it hard not to help out in that situation. It's hard being pulled in all directions especially when you've had the stress of your husband being involved in an accident. I hope you find a solution and wish your husband a speedy recovery.

Can you get a flight there?

OP what do you want to do? Without pressures or duty?

Do that.

Id be a bit miffed about au pairs refusal to help too.