AIBU - Au Pair

[Ralphsmummy]

Am I being unreasonble?

We have an au pair. We have just had a bit of a calamity - husband in a serious bike crash last night - broken arm and ribs. Unusually, I have to go away for the weekend for a family wedding five hours away - I'm planning to take the two big kids with me, but leaving the 2.5 year old.

Au pair is basically refusing to help him out over the weekend. I appreciate its her days off, but to be honest its an emergency, and she stays in her room all day anyway (then goes out at night and gets back in at 6am, but thats another story). I'd be happy to pay more.

Is it me, or her?!

I xposted and see that it is your family that is being unreasonable in expecting you to still attend. You'd think they'd be telling you to stay at home under the circumstances!

If your husband broke ribs and an arm just last night, he's going to be largely incapable of doing anything much this weekend, surely? Broken ribs on their own are agony, let alone a broken arm as well. I wouldn't even be contemplating going anywhere, tbh! Is he even out of hospital yet? He's going to struggle to eat, go to the bathroom, read, sit, stand, the lot, not to mention the shock of the accident.

Your family are definitely BU in expecting you to go; do they actually understand what's happened to him? or have you minimised and said something like " oh he's had a bit of a spill"?

I really get dicked off when I see YABU outside of AIBU. I also get dicked off when I see an OP whose DH has just been in an accident, who has a big family commitment (as being in a wedding party IS a big family commitment) getting a pasting because she dared to offer to pay overtime for someone to work extra to help out.

OP, I'd be upset too. I suppose if you have had a close relationship with your Au Pair you'd have expected her to want to help out and it must have been a surprise when she didn't/

You're not treating her like a slave (slaves don't get paid) you were just asking for her to help out and be paid for it.

My thoughts are that if you can't get a friend to help out, hard as it is, you take all three children with you. When you get to the wedding, there will be people who can help you look after them.

Is there anyone else travelling from near where you live to the wedding as well who could help out.

OP did ask "AIBU?"

I used to be an au pair, a live in mother's help. live in and live out nanny. I am now a mum. I feel qualified to answer .

I would find it impossible to say no to helping in this situation whether mum was going away to a wedding or she needed a hand for some smaller reason. Her husband could have been killed and has been injured.

OP, do not go to this wedding if you are only going because family members will tell you off. You are not 2! Your children will be disappointed but I would explain life sometimes isn't fair and to make up for the disappointment of missing the wedding I would probably treat the kids to a book each as they love reading and fish and chips for tea as that is a rare treat.

The bride will be disappointed but she will get over it. I had 6 people coming to my wedding and one didn't show, no one told me until after the vows. I was not impressed as I had been looking for her in Church but once I knew I hardly gave it another thought other than being annoyed no one told me and annoyed with her she didn't come.

I hope your husband makes a full recovery very quickly.

Why can't you get a cab after the train? You were saying that money was not the issue with the au pair or with getting an emergency nanny, so a cab for 40 miles isn't such a big deal. I think you should go and take all the kids, yes, your husband was in an accident, but saying you can't go because he has a broken arm does sound a little over the top. He would probably benefit from a weekend without the kids round to recuperate.

I agree with PatriciaHolm, I dont think your dh will be able to efficiently parent your 2 1/2 year old on his own. He may be very immobile and in excruciating pain. Possibly on pain relief that makes him too wooly in his cognitive skills to care for a child. He will have enough with himself.
I am not sure I would leave him alone to do all this.

Aside from his fractures, he may be generally battered and bruised.

I also think family should tell you to stay home with your husband rather than putting pressure on you to still attend.

Sorted. I'm not going. Have informed family (who were mostly lovely, apart from my mum).

Will promise DD that she can wear her bridesmaid's dress and shoes all weekend, even in bed, and that everyone can eat cake. Should do the trick.

Will throw DH's bike in a skip and maybe steal some of his morphine

Will not ask au pair to do anything outwide her contracted hours ever again.

Lessons learnt. Thanks for your help/support/opinions. I was in a state, and now I feel much better.

I knew it! You didn't want to go really, and are secretly quite glad of the excuse! .

Your daughter is the bridesmaid? And you are not going? Wow. Just because your au pair won't look after your two year old?

Driz because the dh is bedridden (more or less) and needs support. If the family is that bothered about a child bridesmaid they could come and get the DC and supervise them all weekend. Would probably help the op.

No, Driz, I didn't make the decision not to go because of the au pair. I made it because I thought "if I had just broken my arm in multiple places, and my ribs and was in pain I would want my OH to be there and not at the othe end of the country, wedding or no wedding".

Jesus christ

It would seem the OP will get slated no matter what she does!

OP, I'm so glad you've made the decision that works for you!

Its ok, I'm shovelling down cake by the bucketload to cheer me up, now I don't have to wear bloody Spanx tummy flattening pants all day tomorrow

May be you should offer to pay for the whole weekend or give her extra day or two off. Talk to her. What would you do being in this situation? Would you stay? I think I would but this is just me. But I also would not go to a wedding if my husband was ill even if the kids really really wanted it.

Ralphsmummy
Right decision.
Can't believe lack of empathy from your mum.
DH needs you more than ANYONE else right now.
Morphine, bridesmaid dress and cake sounds like v much fun.
Agree ref skip!
Hope you all have a good weekend.

No, Driz, I didn't make the decision not to go because of the au pair. I made it because I thought "if I had just broken my arm in multiple places, and my ribs and was in pain I would want my OH to be there and not at the othe end of the country, wedding or no wedding".

Did not read this part. I would not have liked DH doing this to me when I am with broken arms etc.
As a child I would have probably cried a lot. I remember mum cancelling plans. To me it was so unfair. I cried and cried as we always stayed at home at it was so boring.

Ralph - can you get some other family member to take your daughter to the wedding and look after her for the day so that she gets to do her turn? do any of them live near enough to pick her up?

Mrsoakenshield- she said this~ Yes, happy to pay her more, money isn't the issue. Am now looking into getting an emergency day nanny to come in for the two days instead.

That is the stranger i was referring to.

Cake sounds like a great plan OP.

I hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend

I agree with Keemanan above. OP I know you've decided not to go but I was getting enraged on your behalf. YWNBU to ask and I would have been hurt too if she really did shrug her shoulders at the chaos. However I suspect that what may have put her off was the idea that she may have to wait on your DH too. It may all have felt a bit too much for her.

Hmmm, this aupair, whilst well within her rights, has just squandered all her goodwill with you. Pretty shortsighted thinking on her part.

I have no doubt all the good aupairs I had in the past would step up to the plate and if they could not, would not just shrug their shoulders but call around to see whether their friends could help out.

If I had such an experience with my aupair where I was practically on my knees and she let me drown, well, what's to say that I would suddenly find myself in need of a different aupair not too far off in the future. I would also be well within my rights ...

Good luck, OP