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Original poster

Not sure what to think about this....

156 replies

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 10:48

I started work early this morning so left before our nanny came. Dh left once she'd arrived. He got half way down the road when he remembered he'd left a vital document at home so went back to get it. As he arrived he saw our nanny taking her dd (whom she brings to work with her) and wearing her coat and carrying her bag back to her car. Dh said she looked "sheepish" and said she was looking for her phone as she couldnt' find it. She apparently went back in to the house, left her dd and her bag and then went back out to her car to look for her phone. Dh says the front door was double locked and he's convinced she was going to drive back to her house (5 mins away by car) to look for her phone leaving our kids alone at home (they're 5.11 and 3.7).

I can't stop thinking about it. How on earth do I get to the bottom of what she was doing? If she was just popping out to her car to search her car why did she have her coat on, was carrying her dd and had her bag with her, and why was the front door double locked? If I ask her outright if she was going to leave my children alone in the house she will deny it.

Of course, nothing actually happened, does it matter that it appears the intent was there?

I don't want to drip feed so I will mention she's had form for this sort of thing in the past and I gave her a warning it must never happen again. Last time it wasn't malicious in the slightest, just poor judgment.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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Rugbycomet · 23/08/2013 15:19

^^. Meant to do this headfairy

34DD · 23/08/2013 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 15:41

To be honest a professional nanny is worth paying a little bit more for imo. Caring for children in a professional capacity is not the same as caring for your own children. As well as being aware of child development and education a professional nanny has a different attitude to children in her care. This 'nanny' might leave her own child alone when she pops out to the local shop? If you decide to keep the nanny OP I would be looking at courses she could do in childcare. They can often be completed part time as an evening course. Maybe you would be able to sponsor her.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 15:44

Yoy must be joking!

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2013 15:48

If this one had won the Norland Nanny prize for Excellence 10 years running she'd still be shite because she doesn't get that you don't leave small children alone in public. Or in their own home, come to that.
Common sense is not easily taught.

Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 15:58

Agree common sense is not easily taught but education can make a better nanny imo. But agree that leaving children alone means she is not suitable to this profession. But OP is not certain at the moment that the nanny intended to leave the children alone. I think the nanny needs a chance to explain. OP says she otherwise a very good nanny.

Coconutty · 23/08/2013 16:08

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThenAgain · 23/08/2013 16:08

Could she have been looking in her bag for the phone, couldn't find it, got her keys out of it, and ran out to the car, her daughter followed and she thought she'd better double lock to stop your DS following, or something?

Personally I think the whole thing doesn't sound good, but I can just about possibly imagine the above.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 16:16

ha! Just spoken to dh, he's getting more and more hacked off thinking about it and he's just going to ask her out right this evening (I won't get home until after she's gone) He's very good at spotting when someone is hiding the truth, so if his gut tells him she's lying then we're going to ask her to leave.

She's not formally trained, no. Until the shop incident I didn't think that mattered as much as common sense. It would appear she has neither. I do agree you can't pay too much for good quality child care. I've always said I'd rather go without and pay more for childcare.

When we advertised for a nanny I rather naively didn't set the rate I was willing to pay, I thought I'd just advertise and see who we liked and work out a rate then. So money was never the motivating factor, and when we interviewed her, like I said before, she was the stand out candidate in terms of her interraction with the children. I saw nannies far more qualified than her who were uncomfortable with them, who were nervous around them (understandable in an interview situation I guess) one who even tutted when my 10 month old dd staggered up to her with mucky hands. She was the first one who sat straight away on the floor and engaged with them in a natural way.

Finding good childcarers is a steep learning curve I guess...

OP posts:
ChippingInHopHopHop · 23/08/2013 16:18

SPB - yes. I have got home (like she just arrived at work), still had my coat on, seen the older ones still watching the tv, then remembered something that was still in the car. I'd take the smallest one with me or one that wanted to come, double lock the door just in case the 3yo who can open the door if it's not locked decided to come out to find us and end up with my handbag on my shoulder because it's habit and I was more focussed on the little one nattering on at me... I agree it looks bad, I disagree it means that she was definitely going to go home - I'd rely on my gut instinct for that.

hettienne · 23/08/2013 16:20

The shop incident I can imagine is a cultural thing depending on where she is from - I can definitely imagine in Germany for example leaving a sensible 4 year old in a toy shop while you nip into the pharmacy for a minute.

This one is a bit tougher. Is her DD usually very clingy? I think your DC would be able to tell you if they were expecting her to nip to the car for a minute, or to be gone for longer.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 23/08/2013 16:27

Headfairy - it is worth asking DS if she said anything to him, but be careful what judgement you make in response to it. If I was just going to the car to get my phone I would have said 'I'm just popping outside for 5 minutes, stay there and I'll be right back'. I don't know what I'd say if I was going to leave them at home while I went back to mine to get my phone - because it isn't something I can even imagine thinking about, let alone doing!!

I wonder what her reaction to seeing DH was? If it was me I'd have been totally unfazed by him being there and just said something like 'Oh you'll have to unlock the door, I locked it so DS couldn't wander out after us, see you in a minute'... without being at all shifty looking... how was she??

Rugbycomet · 23/08/2013 16:34

chipping Op said she looked sheepish!! That in itself appears dodgy!!

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 17:04

In fairness even if innovent she may have looked sheepish as she just realised how it looked but couldnt say anything without looking like she was protesting too much

Original poster
HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 17:05

Rugby that was dh's interpretation of how she looked. She could have been anything... tired/hungry/irritated at losing her phone but to him she looked sheepish.

chippingIn I think the same as you. Not that I would ever leave the children to drive off somewhere else, but if I was that's what I'd say, which is exactly what I have said to them when I've needed to go to the car to get something.

OP posts:
Wickedgirl · 23/08/2013 17:15

Any sensible adult knows that you don't leave children locked in a house by themselves. I'm sorry but a mobile phone isn't that important. She could have looked in her car later when she took the children out.

It isn't looking good for her

Rugbycomet · 23/08/2013 17:15

headfairy sorry, yes looking sheepish according to your DH....

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/08/2013 17:20

its possible that nanny still had her coat on/bag on shoulder from coming in, you said dh had got halfway down road and come back, so are we talking literally he had walked out of house/been away 2/3mins

ie as nanny comes does dh go asap so she didnt have time to take jacket off/put bag down

'blonde grasps straws'

the double locking door is weird- does nanny live far away - and why not put all 3 in car and drive home

was the car right outside or round the corner

foreign or not you dont leave children alone in shops and pop next door to another

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 17:27

I'd leave my DC in the house if I was popping to the car or to a neighbour's house (not to go in but to post something through their letter box or to talk to them standing at the front door eg)

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/08/2013 17:38

i have left children in the house, door locked while i went to my car to get phone charger/fleece etc

if my boss came home i would simply say that, and not look/feel guilty as thats not wrong (as long as car isnt a mile down the road lol)

it just seems dodgy as had her own dc with her - as a nwoc you are meant to treat all children the same, not favour your own child

BalloonSlayer · 23/08/2013 18:21

Perhaps the most important thing is that you don't trust her any more.

Before the shop incident, you would probably have believed her.

But now you're not sure, and your DH who actually saw her and was there is really cross and definitely doesn't believe her.

Probably time to get a new nanny you feel confident about.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 23/08/2013 18:41

Blondes I don't think double locking the door is suspicious when she knows the OP's young DS can open the door if that's not done (and has a habit of doing so if someone has gone out) and as the car was parked on the road, she might not have been able to keep an eye on the front door. It seems sensible to me.

She might not have been favouring her own child, as much as 'taking the one whinging' with her. Her DD might not have wanted to watch TV with the others or might have just been in a clingy mood. Another day it could have been one of the OP's children while her DD & the others were watching TV.

I just think we need to be careful - MN can convince you black is white sometimes. A lot of things, when you write them down, sound terrible, but actually are done day in - day out, by thousands of us.

Also, as HF said, it might have been sheepish - it might also have been tired/frustrated/surprised/whatever.

It isn't really any trouble to put 3 kids that age in the car - why wouldn't she if she needed to go home?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 23/08/2013 18:43

It's a shame DH didn't ask her if she found her phone in her car. That might have helped to put your mind at rest.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 18:50

" A lot of things, when you write them down, sound terrible, but actually are done day in - day out, by thousands of us. "

Very good point. Also a good point about why wouldn't she take them.

nannynewo · 23/08/2013 20:46

There is so much to consider here. Putting every detail together sounds very suspicious but as you explain more and more it does make it more difficult to understand her intentions. Like you said previously her dd could have just been fairly clingy. If your dc's were watching tv she may have just left them there and double locked the door incase your ds ran outside. Maybe she still had her coat on from when she arrived? Does your dh recall her taking off her coat before he left?

I am NOT saying she is innocent I am just thinking of reasons why she may have done certain things.

Your dh is doing the right things by asking her straight out what she was doing and to use his gut. Tricky situation. Good luck!