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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Not sure what to think about this....

156 replies

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 10:48

I started work early this morning so left before our nanny came. Dh left once she'd arrived. He got half way down the road when he remembered he'd left a vital document at home so went back to get it. As he arrived he saw our nanny taking her dd (whom she brings to work with her) and wearing her coat and carrying her bag back to her car. Dh said she looked "sheepish" and said she was looking for her phone as she couldnt' find it. She apparently went back in to the house, left her dd and her bag and then went back out to her car to look for her phone. Dh says the front door was double locked and he's convinced she was going to drive back to her house (5 mins away by car) to look for her phone leaving our kids alone at home (they're 5.11 and 3.7).

I can't stop thinking about it. How on earth do I get to the bottom of what she was doing? If she was just popping out to her car to search her car why did she have her coat on, was carrying her dd and had her bag with her, and why was the front door double locked? If I ask her outright if she was going to leave my children alone in the house she will deny it.

Of course, nothing actually happened, does it matter that it appears the intent was there?

I don't want to drip feed so I will mention she's had form for this sort of thing in the past and I gave her a warning it must never happen again. Last time it wasn't malicious in the slightest, just poor judgment.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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whatsleep · 23/08/2013 11:53

I agree, it's important that either you or your DH gets home pronto to ensure that your children are safe. Your not popping back to make a sandwich it's important therefore and manager would surely understand and allow you or DH to go? Your nanny appears to have no concept of safety and who knows what other risks she takes that you are unaware of. Please please one of you, down tools and get home, you will never forgive yourselves if something were to happen.

lborolass · 23/08/2013 11:56

I think you're being a bit OTT Leopoldina.

The OP can't necessarily just drop everything and leave work. She knows the nanny and the situation best and I'm sure she's weighed up the options and is happy that her children are safe for the rest of the day.

Even if the nanny was planning to pop out this morning I'd be willing to bet she certainly won't be putting a foot wrong today now she knows she's been rumbled. I'd guess that obs she can take her child to are few and far between and she won't want to risk loosing it.

I'd definitely reserve judgement until speaking to the children. If this had happened before I'd have thought it would have come out in conversion.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:09

Thank you ruey and outraged for your considered and thoughtful comments.

I have started looking around on nannyjob just in case I need to find someone quickly.

I can't pop back to make a sandwich, I work 90 minutes away from home. I'm going to speak to my mum this afternoon, she's out at the moment at a hospital appointment. She knows our nanny too, if her gut is feeling the same as mine I'll send her over there this afternoon. I was due on shift all this weekend and bank holiday monday, thank God it's been changed. I've got some breathing space as our nanny won't be back in with us until Thursday next week

OP posts:

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:20

"But I know in her heart she's a good person. She cocked up once, and she was mortified"
But is she? She obviously didn't think it was safe to leave her own DD (the same age as your youngest) at yours while she popped back so she knows it is not appropriate.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2013 12:25

I didn't see the shop incident before. She does not have sound judgement and I don't think she should be in charge of children. But on the other hand she took her own child so her judgement was sound enough there. Very very bad indeed.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:26

SPB I know, that's what troubles me more :(

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe her dd was being clingy and she couldn't even go out the front door without her yelling, maybe she took her bag with her because her car keys were in her bag and she just grabbed it, maybe she double locked the front door because ds can open the door if it's just on the Yale lock, maybe she had her jacket on because she was chilly (it was 8.30).....

But it doesn't look good. However, I would never sack someone on my gut feeling. That's just not fair. I would be outraged if someone sacked me because their gut feeling told them I wasn't right.

OP posts:

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:31

What sort of setup do you have at home? Is there really a need to lock your door if you're just popping to a car on the drive?
My DCs are now old enough to wander in and out as long as I know they are doing this. Even when they were tiny there would have been no need to prevent them leaving the house if I was just on the drive. but if you live on a very busy road I can see it might be different.

I think one of you needs to ask her outright and see if you think she's lying. I'd be unimpressed if a friend had done what you think she was planning tbh - even less impressed if this 'friend' is being paid to take care of my children.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:32

And while you can't sack her on a gut feeling, short of installing CCTV you can't always see what she's doing. So if her judgement is this poor (or her attitude to your children so careless) you really can't leave them in her care again :( I can see it's a really difficult situation, and I'm sorry.

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2013 12:33

No, it doesn't matter that nothing happened if the intent was there.
When you add in the fact that she has previous form... No, you can't (and really shouldn't) trust her again.

That's really appalling

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:34

Actually no the more I think about this, and reading your last post there is no sensible alternative assumption.

You lock the front door, have your bag, coat and daughter (the importan things ) and you're walking towards your car...you're going to get in and drive off. Anything else is ridiculous.
What were your DCs doing at the time BTW? Were they by any chance, toileted and infront of the TV with a drink and snack?

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:35

If you'd caught her with your online banking page open, you'd strongly question her intent even if she'd not got round to doing anything naughty yet

Original poster

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:36

SPB, there isn't a drive. The parking is all on the street, and as we're close to the station she may well have had to park out of sight of the house if there were no spaces closer.

I'm seriously tempted by the CCTV option.

OP posts:

FoxyRevenger · 23/08/2013 12:37

HeadFairy you sound incredibly kind and very fair minded. But I think, when it comes to the safety of your children, this is the time when you absolutely should go with your gut instinct.

Even if she left your children and they came to no harm; they would have been frightened at least.

Hope it all works out for you.

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2013 12:40

Oh and by the way; I'm sure your job is "much much more important than than shuffling papers round a desk" , the question is; is it more important than your children's safety?
If you resigned tomorrow, your company would continue with hardly a blip, you know. Nobody is quite that indispensable.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:41

SPB, dh says they were watching tv. When he came back down from upstairs our nanny's dd was sitting at the table having some breakfast.

OP posts:

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:41

ah I see. Completely different set up then and so actually reasonable to lock the door if she's popping out to the car.
I still don't think that changes my opinion...how clingy can I 3.7 yo be??
As we both have almost 4yos, I know I could tell mine I was popping to the car and would be right back. Unless she was already upset about something else (in which case I'd just put off going for the phone!) she'd understand.

Belugagrad · 23/08/2013 12:43

I feel compelled to write. CCTV is not an alternative to decent childcare. Yes, today you would know the truth, but in a serious incident, which could have happened today the CCTV would only show you what happened - it doesn't intervene! Get CCTV if you want but first harden up and sack the nanny.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:44

electronic babysitter then??
(not complaining about TV as such, mine watch far too much, and there have been times where they've been watching it happily and with no arguing and I've thought I could pop out to the shop for ten mins absolutely fine...but I never would!)

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:45

Sorry I mentioned CCTV, was a bit tongue in cheek, apart from anything else it presumably only covers the house and wouldn't help when out and about.
No, CCTV or anything like that does not compensate for lack of trust. CCTV is for stuff you value. Trust is for people you value.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 23/08/2013 12:51

Lord no, I would never rely on CCTV in place of good child care!

To be honest, they tend to have the tv on usually in the morning while they're pootling about after breakfast. More so in the school holidays. I don't have a problem with that, they do enough activities anyway.

OP posts:

Charleymouse · 23/08/2013 12:52

Was her phone in the car? Did she find it? If not and you ring her mobile from a different number to yours if she answers then she has probably been home since and got phone if not and she found it in her car then I think you can have a word with her but you might have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I sometimes put clothes back on when looking for something so I can check pockets more easily.

Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 12:54

OP do you ever leave the children in the house when you pop to the car?
It is difficult to judge on this without knowing what your children will say. If you do occasionally leave them for a few minutes; and they were told by the nanny that she was getting something out of the car and would be straight back, it might be a reasonable situation.

Do the two younger children fight? Would she take one to prevent that, while she was out of the house?

Must be horrible for you being at work and worried. If she looked sheepish for your husband I expect she knows she did wrong and will be on best behaviour rest of the day. But sending your mum around for a coffee might be a good idea so you can relax.

I would also be looking for another nanny if your feel her judgement is poor.

SPBisResisting · 23/08/2013 12:56

Yes, completely agree. I just thought if the TV was off that would actually be evidence in her favour.

Belugagrad · 23/08/2013 13:00

is she good childcare?

Re: the previous incident at the shop- you said she was mortified, was that because she was caught? Sounds like she was embarrassed to be caught this morning.

I'm going to be really blunt - is she cheap? is that why you ar reluctant to sack her too? or is it just that you're friends?

Nannyowl · 23/08/2013 13:08

Shame your husband didn't hide when he saw her leaving, then you would have known if she had driven off. Instant sacking offence imo.

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