Where is the respect for nannies?

[Caramellatteandchocolate]

I have been a nanny for 15 years. I have had mainly very sucesfully positions, but the odd one where families have been completely out of order and generally lacked respect.

Having read through a number of the the threads I have to ask where is the respect for nannies? We generally work much longer hours than the parents, we look after what should be the most precious thing in a parents life, but yet constantly have to put up with mothers being petty and unreasonable, is it a jealously thing or what?

Many mothers are quite rude to there nannies and very unreasonable, think that they can treat them like something the have trodden in and expect them to be slaves around the house!

Many families don't think twice to paying late, coming home late and not apologising or offering to pay the extra or offer the time off, yet if the roles were to be reversed the nanny would be given a stern talking to. If a nanny is unwell they are often made to feel guilty for the inconvienience is has caused, when we ar all human and occasionally can't work.

As a nanny we have no protection and is the only job where people get taken advantage of and treated with such little respect, it just wouldn't be allowed in other professions cause people would have grievances made against them.

Most of us do a fantastic job, please remember a happy nanny means happy children!

spend that's nit what I said, or at least not what I meant to say. I am not better than my nanny, my ex-employer was not better than me when I was nannying, my current department head is not better than me. What I mean is that employers have more power, they call the shots, they are the ones with a job. I am more economically powerful.

This is reflected by the economic reality that her salary comes from mine, her job comes from mine, I am her boss. It makes fundamental economic sense that I earn more but me earning more doesn't make me better any more than the fact that DH's earning exceed mine make him better. But you seem to think that I'm saying that makes me a better human being I'm saying that I'm her boss.

It's not the place of an employee to dicker and bargain. Most jobseekers wouldn't dream of it but this 'I look after your most precious possession' attitude seems to get peddled as blackmail. Teachers have 30 odd preciouses in their care each day. They don't get to negotiate 3 day weeks, no marking and a pay rise for it.

Why is it so difficult to accept the imbalance of power which comes from the financial transaction? And this is why the business side and the personal should not get mixed.

It's a few years since I was a nanny, but having worked abroad and in the UK, I can tell you the most respectful families were upper middle class British parents, who had had nannies themselves as a child. I think people who haven't been brought up in a family with a nanny don't really know how to behave around someone else who is doing what they feel they should be doing. Especially if they have a high powered career, they are likely to mistake you for the office junior. (On more than one occasion I was tempted to scream "Don't you have any idea what I have done with your DC during the last 12 hours? And you are complaining that the ducks on the side of the bath are not lined up decoratively in size order? )

French families will refer to their Norland trained 30 year old nanny as "my young girl".

LOL Angi, I once heard the wife of a friend of DP's talking about a ski-ing holiday the two couples (DP and his exW, friend and wife) with their children and respective nannies when the children were young. Friend's wife referred to the two nannies as "les jeunes filles". I know for a fact that DP's jeune fille was over 50 and had four grown-up children.

'It's not the place of an employee to dicker and bargain'

Of course it is! It should be done politely and respectfully, with an eye on reality, but it's absolutely your place as an employee to negotiate the best working conditions for youirself. That's why we have unions. It makes economic sense as an employer to get the most from your employee; to pay as little as possible for as much work as possible. It is totally right for the employee to make sure they are not exploited/that they get the best deal.

Emotional blackmail of any sort is, of course, out of order.

Good point hoho of course you would try and get a good deal. Everyone has a living too make. If I had lots of money I would look after children free of charge because I love children. But I need the money.

Ohfraktious I was talking to Blondes - who I am assuming is Boffin's Nanny. If she isn't I don't know how she knows whether she's a good employer...

Angi that's interesting what you said about employers with experience - it does seem to me that the good employers are the ones that perhaps understand how important a Nanny's job is. It is a kind of partnership in a way.

Lol. No boffy isn't my employer - if you were a regular on these boards you would know that and some of hassles she has had with nannies

we met on mm a few years ago and when going through a nightmare with a nanny - many on here reliesed that boffy is a very down to earth mb who took great pains to bend over backwards to help out her nanny

Let alone the girl from the place we don't mention

It's 3.35am - jetlag is a bugger !!!!

Blondes I was just about to post asking why you were up at this time, till I saw the comment about jetlag

hoho I distinguish between polite negotiation or requesting a change and dickering. One is normal and we all do it, the other is rude and entitled. It's the difference between 'well I would like to work a little more flexibly if that's okay so I can go to XYZ on Thursday' and 'I have XYZ on Thursday so I can't work but my friend can cover'.

That's how I see it, Frak. You negotiate a bit, you don't instruct a boss how they will meet your requirements before you've even bothered to send a CV.

Interviewing a couple of more professional types next week who have sent CVs, and current nanny has asked to stay on a bit more, and will be around as an after school nanny, on grounds that we are all not quite ready to leave each other. So I am not quite that bad an employer

I know I am a good employer from the fact that many people who have worked for me stay in touch for ages, tell me they like working for me, are happy to come back and help out if they can, and they buy me cheesy presents with world's best boss plastered all over them. This is reciprocated and I do look after their interests in the long term, and provide support and chocolate cake in equal measure. Even the nutty ones sometimes write to me later on and say they didn't quite get it right at the time. So people have a good billet here.

Boffin you don't have to justify yourself. It does sound like you're doing something right, but it's the superiority thing I have never been able to get my head around. How many nannies have you had out of interest and over how long a time?

Do you mind if I don't go into that online? I will say my current nanny has been with me 2 years.

I think it's less a question of role, and more a question of someone's personality, you know. Some people are a bit snotty, some are more down to earth, and that's how it is. I don't get on that well with people who are up themselves, which is probably why I both take exception to nannies ordering me about before I have even hired them, and also if someone is high handed with me they get short shrift. I am sure a lot of people posting on this thread feel exactly the same. Perhaps that is the root of the problem.

that should have said "high handed with me when I am working for them"

There is a lot to be said for approaching a nanny as a partner rather than an employee, tesco's style.

In my case, my employer's passive/aggressive approach resulted in their children having conflicting ideas of me - they liked me and bonded with me but sensed her disatisfaction.

When I first started nannying every job was through an agency where the agency acted as a go between, maybe it worked better. I can see all sides to this thread but the comment that said it puts me higher in the pecking order because I earn more just sounded awful.

'hoho I distinguish between polite negotiation or requesting a change and dickering'

I think we're in agreement then, as I said before, any negotiation needs to be polite and respectful.

Problem is it can be a fine line. Some people are just less tactful than others, maybe they have English as a second language and are not choosing the best words to express themselves. It is of course unwise to approach an empolyer in an agressive/rude/argumentative way, but I can't agree that ''It's not the place of an employee to dicker and bargain'.

With a week behind me the pecking order comment came across wrong and for that I apologise. I didn't mean to say an employer earning more puts them above someone else in the pecking order, I meant that the fact that an employer pays the salary and is therefore really the one calling the shots does. The 'I earn more' part should really have been parenthesised because it was a justification of the 'I pay her salary' (in our house childcare comes from my salary to be economically viable and because I receive the child benefit/state help for childcare so I need to be earning more than I'm paying out). And pecking order is probably the wrong phrase as well but anything else (superior?) carries the wrong connotation too. IME nannies like to hide away from the economics of being afforded (viz. salary demands 25% above what's offered etc) and get shirty when they're not getting paid more as if their employer should be able to afford it.

My central point is there is an economic/legal relationship as well as a human one and that has nothing to do with respect in the sense intended here (IMO). Or maybe it does, respect is such an all encompassing word....

'tr.v. re·spect·ed, re·spect·ing, re·spects

1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3. To relate or refer to; concern.

n.

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one's respects.
5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail: In many respects this is an important decision.
6. Usage Problem Relation; reference. See Usage Note at regard.'

From first hit on google

It's the implication of deference I have issues with here, I think. But I sense that many people are talking in the sense of the tertiary definition of the noun, except for a few who think the primary definition will do nicely.

I respect (%232) the economic/legal relationship.

I have a lot of respect (%233) for my nanny and all nannies.

I don't, I'm afraid, agree with deferential regard and that goes both ways.

A lot of what the OP talks about - paying late, not paying overtime - has bugger all to do with whether you have appreciative regard, a bit to do with consideration but a lot more to do with avoiding interference with their rights. Had it been where is the respect for nannies' rights I might have been a whole lot more sympathetic.

Oh what happened there?

Respect v definition 2

Respect v definition 3

Gah n def 3

Why did you put all that up about respect.? Rather got of the point, I got bored reading it.

Fract I must go on this earlier great post for making me go up to bed though. Honestly I think we all know what respect means. I am really surprised you had to google it. You have too much time on your hands.

I need my nanny and childminder without them I would be stuck treat people nicely and you usually get it back. Nannies cannot demand things like some of seem to say. If your toddler demands sweets you say no do the same with your nanny. I interviewed a few nannies one wanted to bring her own washing in to do, she did not demand it she was trying her luck the other seven I saw did not do this. I did not give that nanny the job it was no big deal.

WOW, don't some you love to pick everything apart and really do get quite aggressive/rude in the tone of some replies. I must admit I am quite shocked by some of the responses, and how some people seem to have only picked up on the negative things I stated!

I would like to apologise for my spelling but I was tired and didn't proof read plus have mild dyslexia, does this make me such a bad nanny/person?

Obliviously if it is something important I take a lot more time and care and get others to check for me!

I don't for one second agree with nannies blackmailing parents to get what they want. I have always been very professional and respectful. I have been brought up to treat others how I would like to be treated in return. We are all individuals but is no need for petty and rude behaviour.