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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Oh gawd, second problem with nanny this week...

92 replies

headfairy · 22/11/2011 15:09

after the hitting incident we've established she didn't really hit him now one of the women at ds's nursery says she saw ds in town yesterday on his own in a toy shop. She asked him if mummy was around and he said he was with our nanny. The nursery woman looked around for our nanny and she was in a different shop the other side of the shopping centre. When the nursery worker told her about ds she continued shopping and about five minutes later went to collect ds from the nursery woman.

Ds is four and I'm really shocked our nanny just let him wander around the shoppin centre unsupervised while she shopped for herself, but how on earth do I approach our nanny to ask her about it without shopping the nursery worker? She was understandably cautious about telling me, she sees the nanny every day and if I ask the nanny about it, it's obvious it came from her.

OP posts:

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Fishpond · 22/11/2011 15:21

To be honest, I wouldn't care if I shopped the nursery worker - this is absolutely unacceptable and safety is surely the #1 priority of your nanny?!

Littlefish · 22/11/2011 15:27

Your primary concern needs to be to keep your ds safe. If the nursery worker is in no doubt about what happened, then you need to talk very directly to the nanny and tell her exactly what is being reported to you.

I would consider this to be an absolute case of gross misconduct.

Original poster

headfairy · 22/11/2011 15:53

See that's what I thought, I need to talk to our nanny. What she did is unacceptable, but I just dont know how to even start a conversation like that. I'm so angry!

OP posts:

Littlefish · 22/11/2011 17:15

"Nanny - I need to talk to you about something I was told today and I need to hear your side of things before I decide what to do. I've been told that Ds was found, unaccompanied in a shop by someone, who then found you in a different shop. Please can you explain this."

Then, say nothing more, and wait for her to speak.

nannynick · 22/11/2011 17:29

I agree with what Littlefish has suggested... you inform your nanny that you have been told something and ask them to confirm if that was the case or not.

I can't see that the nursery worker would have any reason to be untruthful about the incident, and if your son confirms the events, then it's certainly highly likely it did happen.

A nanny could lose a child whilst out and about, especially if a child is wanting to be independent and not constantly hold the nannies hand. So your son could have wandered off... but when your nanny noticed him missing (was told he was missing) her reaction seems very odd - why continue with what she was doing? Your DS should be the No1 priority to your nanny.

fraktious · 22/11/2011 17:34

Does your DS confirm this? You could always bring it up with her without mentioning the nursery worker and if she fobs you off then she's definitely untrustworthy. If she admits it then you just say that you're very upset, can't accept that and are firing her.

Original poster

headfairy · 22/11/2011 18:33

Ds has confirmed it, he told me she was buying tights. ds is very grown up and independent and sometimes I let him go in to a toy shop on his own while I stand at the entrance, but i'm his mother, thats my decision. Its not up to her to take those risks.

Whilst I'm very angry about it, is this an instantly sackable offence or do I give he a formal warning? I'm wary of leaving my children with a disgruntled nanny if I do give her a bollocking, but also i'm reluctant to give her one strike and she's out. For all sorts of reasons i'm reluctant to start hunting for our third nanny in a year :(

OP posts:

Littlefish · 22/11/2011 18:39

Do you still trust her? Do you trust her judgement?

If you do, and you are prepared to give her another chance, then you still need to talk to her about it and see what her reasoning behind it was.

Personally, I think it is such a massive error in judgement, I know that I couldn't continue to work with her.

Even though your ds is "very grown up and independent", the fact remains that he is only 4 years old. Whilst I think that I am extremely level headed, and hate all the "paedophile round every corner" reaction, I just think it is extraordinary that any adult, particularly one with a paid responsibility for a child, would consider it appropriate or safe in any way to leave such a young child alone.

nannynick · 22/11/2011 19:20

I let him go in to a toy shop on his own while I stand at the entrance.

So your son didn't think it was wrong for him to be in a toy shop, on his own?

Did you son say anything about nanny taking him into the toy shop, or did he perhaps decide to go on his own, even though he was with nanny and not with you?

Your nanny however should have been far more focused on your DS, not buying tights. Your DS probably didn't want to buy tights - it wasn't a shopping trip he was enjoying.

RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 19:35

I don't quite understand - so the nursery worker found ds in one shop, and then went into the other shop (leaving ds behind?) to find the nanny, then went back to the first shop and waited with ds?

I'd want to check with the nanny exactly what happened.

What does your contract say about gross misconduct? I'd think leaving a child alone is a sackable offense.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 19:35

You aren't having a good week are you!

Does she know you let him go in the toy shop on his own?

If she left him in the toyshop while she went to the shop opposite to buy tights would he stay in the toyshop until she came back?

Would it be a bit of an assumption you'd be OK with her doing that as you let him go in on his own?

I'm not saying she's right to do this - I'm just asking if this would be a reasonably logical assumption.

Also, she can't have been that far away if the nursery woman found her that easily. If she was that concerned why didn't she stay with DS and see how long it took for your nanny to come back? It all just sounds a bit like the nursery woman was being a bit 'Oooh drama drama drama'. I'd want to talk to the nanny before I got too worked up about it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/11/2011 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MogandMe · 22/11/2011 19:39

Agree why did the nursery nurse not stay with DS or take him with her to find the nanny.

BrianAndHisBalls · 22/11/2011 19:40

rita - that was my question too, if the nursery worker saw your ds alone did she then leave him to go tell the nanny? and if not, how did the nanny not come back for 5 minutes?

Its unbelievable a nanny would think it acceptable to leave a 4 year old on theur own in a shopping centre.

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/11/2011 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BrianAndHisBalls · 22/11/2011 19:40

shine - TOTALLY agree. I wouldn't leave my 7 year old in a shop on her own and would be horrified if a nanny/childminder did.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/11/2011 19:47

Tough shit really that this is your third nanny you would need to find.

Your nanny left your son alone while she pissed about buying tights.

She needs to be gone as long as this happened exactly as you have said.

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 19:50

I think this might be a first, but I totally agree with chipping!

'but i'm his mother, thats my decision. Its not up to her to take those risks'

That's true, but the thing is you do need to take risks with children to let them try new things, to let them live. As a nanny you take guidance with what risks you let the children take from the parents i.e. if she knows you allow him into the the shop alone, she can do the same. If she was working with parents who insisted their child always hold hands, she may not have allowed it.

Personally I'm hugely paranoid about the kids being taken from shopping centres and so would never have allowed this, I think you're totally right to be furious.

I think whether it amounts to gross misconduct depends on the specifics. If 'the other side of the shopping centre' is the shop opposite in a narrow passage then being in the doorway of that shop isn't that different from being in the doorway. Was he in sight? If she could see him from her shop then I think not as bad etc. Really depends on the exact circumstances.

If you don't want to drop the nursery worker in it I'd go with 'you'll never guess what DS has told me now? That you let him go shopping on his own, while you were buying tights!'...watch her reaction.

RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 19:53

I've left a 4 year old alone in a shop while I've been to another shop as a nanny - but in a different country where attitudes to that kind of thing are more relaxed than here. It's one of those things where different people will have different boundaries I think.

If she's an otherwise good nanny, and you can trust she wouldn't do it again once you've made clear you don't find it acceptable, then I would consider just giving a formal warning.

Ingles2 · 22/11/2011 19:54

Earth would have to freeze over before I allowed this girl to continue as our nanny, (if this happened as described)
You're going to have to be brave and ask her bluntly to explain the accusation.
Good luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/11/2011 19:55

I would be wary of using that tack as if she ends up staying she might take it out on your DS for telling.

I used to be a nanny and just because a parent does/allows something it doesn't give the nanny carte blanche to do the same.

RitaMorgan · 22/11/2011 19:57

She might take it out on ds? If there is any chance she would behave like that then surely she shouldn't be staying!

TheOriginalFAB · 22/11/2011 20:00

Exactly! But she shouldn't be staying anyway imo. I got sacked from one nanny job for a lot less. And I hadn't actually done anything wrong!

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 20:01

'I would be wary of using that tack as if she ends up staying she might take it out on your DS for telling'

OP has already told the nanny DS said she hit him...in for a penny in for a pound!

'I used to be a nanny and just because a parent does/allows something it doesn't give the nanny carte blanche to do the same'

No, but you must take guidance from this. As a nanny you can't necessarily do what you feel is right, you must do as the parent does/requests.

Fishpond · 22/11/2011 20:01

Absolutely no explanation she gave me would be permissible I'm afraid. What would she have told you heaven forbid someone stole your DS while she was shopping for tights? Sets me on edge anyone would consider keeping on someone employed to safely and responsibly look after your child after such an incident. She is not a professional in more ways than 1 just from this singular incident.

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