What would you do with this au pair?

[FeatheredHeart]

I need a sanity check as I do recognise I'm getting rather wound up...

We had an au pair who was fabulous in every way (she wanted to work with kids) for almost a year...this is the French stand-in for another girl who cancelled at the last minute. She's now in her 3rd week, one of which was a handover week which she said was really useful

• doesn't finish jobs that have been explained and written down and there are post its everywhere to help which she finds useful
• skives hugely as often as possible
• is jaw-droppingly slow at everything
• is unwilling to accept the responsibility to look after the kids for 10 mins in the park while i nipped home to fetch something. Doesn't want kids of her own because it's too much responsibility (this before she started helping out with mine)
• unable to give the kids a largely prepared tea for an hour
• goes on about how much better france is in everything
• thinks kids should be hit and is constantly looking on judgementally when mine (3 and 16mo) hoot exuberantly or want to get down from the table
• doesn't seem to particularly like the kids or really want to play with them though they are very open and friendly.
• coughs without covering her mouth, licks her fingers and puts them into the cooking pot and frequently forgets please and thank you despite the kids being told repeatedly about all these.
• keeps telling little fibs
• barely leaves her room, despite encouragement to visit places. I've setup a facebook group to help her make friends and even contacted some of the members to get her going
• complains constantly of ailments which have now covered most her anatomy, though said she was in good health on her form. I've offered the doctor but she says no. Nothing seems very serious, and her complaints generally coincide with me asking her to do something she hasn't done and was supposed to.

It turns out that besides everything else everyone in her family suffers from anxiety. I feel sorry for her and it was gutsy of her to come but my family and the atmosphere in our home is really suffering. I have taken the kids out the house for lunch and dinner twice last week just to get away from the atmosphere. I am on my own with the kids in a big house and I really need someone effective.

Is this par for the course and was I just spoilt with my last au pair?

I think you are going to have to send her on her way - is she still in the trial period?

I think you were very lucky with your last au pair, given that many of them are not here because of any desire to work with children.
A lot of the things you describe with your current one are, I think, often par for the course: the ailments, the going on about France (which is probably homesickness), the lack of manners. These things are perhaps the problem with having someone who is little more than a child and who just fancied a jolly to england in your house.

The thing that I would consider a potential deal-breaker is the inability/unwillingness to look after your children. This covers not playing with them, not giving them tea etc, because being able to babysit cheerfully has to be the minimum job requirement. I'd be giving her a couple of weeks to shape up.

Get. Rid. ASAP.

I have had a number of APs who usually last a year or so. This one would not last two weeks with me and I have learnt the hard way that if they are like this when they are trying to impress you (ie first few weeks) you will be in for a torrid time further down the line.

you are so right Squiffy.
Give her 1 weeks notice to improve, the pay for her air fare home

Goodness me. Sack her, she's crap.

Get rid

If she doesn't do her jobs and isn't capable of watching the children, then is there much point in her being there?

GET RID!

I'm sure you can get an au pair with some childcare experience/desire to work with children as a minimum.

Asking about their view on discipline is a good interview question and if they say 'hit them'(!) say thanks for coming, but not in my house you don't!

She sounds horrific, get rid

Send her back to France where evereything is better

Get rid.

Can you bin her? What's the point

Was going to say the same as OneLieIn.
She clearly has the wrong attitude.

Aupairs are not nannies so I would not expect her to have a totally professional attitude (neither do some nannies) but if she has CHOSEN to come and work as an aupair then she should at least like children, make an effort with them and do her designated household tasks.

Erm, get rid. She is French. She only needs to go across the Channel where things are much better.

I wouldn't shed any tears tbh. Having spoken casually to a couple of aupairs, you think they made a huge commitment to come over - NOT. Those from relatively affluent Western Europe know very well if it does not work out they will just leave the family. They stay only if they want to/are wanted. They know that.

Get rid. Now. This one is taking the piss.

We've had to 'invest' more time with our new AP in some areas of looking after the children than we did with our AP from last year. Like Tavvy said, these girls are not professional nannies. But what you have described is a fundamental attitude problem - nothing that is likely to improve over time. I wouldn't waste another moment on her.

I agree with earlier posts now being on my 8th AP with the shortest duration being 24 hours she is not going to improve!!

I would book and pay for her flight and tell her the night before you will be taking her to the airport in the morning and have paid for her flight home.

I would be calm and pleasant and make it clear she is being dismissed for complete inability and unwillingness to perform her role. I would also pay her a weeks wages in lieu of notice and feel hugly relieved once you escort her into departures.

I agree she needs to go. Did you use an agency? If you did you need to talk to them as your AP has arrived not prepared to complete the job they are employed to do. Also they should provide another AP with no additional charge to you.
Your previous AP sounds very much like the three APs I have had or maybe I have been very fortunate. All of mine have last the entire of their contracts.

You could sit down with her and explain to her clearly what isn't working out and what is, and that she has a week to change. However the reality is that although that may make you feel marginally better, matters probably won't improve much more. An AP with an attitude problem and disliking children is just not worth persevering with.

FWIW - I was in a similar position last year. We struggled along for many months with our useless AP. I was exhausted in the end constantly monitoring her, reminding her etc etc. The stress and atmosphere it caused wasn't worth it. When my new AP came for a trial weekend, she was so wonderful, I regretted not parting company sooner. Past advice on this board from these lovely experienced mumsnetters said that you'd know a good AP within the first week - and I'd wholeheartedly agree.

Most of these foreign girls are absolutely dreadful. We now employ a village girl, on minimum wage, who speaks the lingo and knows her place. Problem solved.

Sack. The whole point of an AP is to make life easier, not harder. If you wanted to deal with a stroppy teenager you'd be a foster carer.

Agree with everyone on here, you've put up with more than enough and she will never work out. Try again, I'm sure the next one will be better.

Why is this girl staying in your house when she is adding nothing of value to anyone's life, either yours or your kids? She needs to go home now.

I went through this last year

The relief when she left was unbelievable
She isnt right for your family at all, so I shoukd give her notice and start hunting

I'm finding her absolutely fascinating.

I would love to sack her today. And I would love to tell you about yesterday. She set the table and I think that was about it.

This morning I asked how all her ailments were doing and she said she had trouble lifting the bowls out of the dishwasher. I asked what her plans were for the day..suggested she might like to take a little bus or train excursion to relax and regain her energy. I can't help it and she just doesn't cotton on. She said yes, she'd have to look at the itineraries. I'm beyond frustration. The entertainment value is huge.

She's causing me literally sleepless nights. But i've paid for 2 nights/week evening courses for a term from next week and she will be babysitting for those which is probably worth £40 in itself. Then sometimes she can just about manage some of the clearing up after breakfast while i take one child to nursery and do the shopping with the other. (she doesn't feel able to walk him to nusery...) and she can hang up washing and she can start to clear up supper while I do baths. And sometimes she starts a story while i feed the baby to stop 3yo from interrupting the baby's night time feed. Cleaning i have to redo and she doesn't feel it's really part of her job anyway(!) So I am trying to calm down, grit my teeth and hang on to her, reminding myself that a second pair of hands, even if crap is better than nothing at all. Plus the baby's having breathing difficulties and may have to go into hospital so I'll need her around then. But i think I will advertise for someone local for a couple of hours meantime.

Lizcat - what's your recruitment technique...or do you think you're just lucky?

Does anyone know of any legal requirements regarding getting rid of au pairs. I keep hearing different things that they are legally employees and that they're not covered under employment law.

She needs to go. She sounds hopeless and if the baby does have to go into hospital you need somebody you can trust implicitly and work in partnership with.
Believe me I've worked in that situation before.
The entertainment value only gets you so far.

She sounds as if she is getting worse not better. I suggest you look for someone else asap. As DreamTeagirl said the relief you'll feel when she leaves will be indescribeable and you'll feel so relieved.

Don't make the same mistake as I did, where I struggled along with my past AP, making various excuses for her. It's all too easy for weeks to turn into months - and the siutation will get even worse.

I understand you not wanting to lose money with your babysitting - but would you honestly feel at ease with her having sole care of your children? Plus if you have to entlist local help too you wouldn't end up saving anything.

Re: Terminating her position - what does your contract outline? Personally I rather like JulesNobrain suggestion