What would you do with this au pair?

[FeatheredHeart]

I need a sanity check as I do recognise I'm getting rather wound up...

We had an au pair who was fabulous in every way (she wanted to work with kids) for almost a year...this is the French stand-in for another girl who cancelled at the last minute. She's now in her 3rd week, one of which was a handover week which she said was really useful

• doesn't finish jobs that have been explained and written down and there are post its everywhere to help which she finds useful
• skives hugely as often as possible
• is jaw-droppingly slow at everything
• is unwilling to accept the responsibility to look after the kids for 10 mins in the park while i nipped home to fetch something. Doesn't want kids of her own because it's too much responsibility (this before she started helping out with mine)
• unable to give the kids a largely prepared tea for an hour
• goes on about how much better france is in everything
• thinks kids should be hit and is constantly looking on judgementally when mine (3 and 16mo) hoot exuberantly or want to get down from the table
• doesn't seem to particularly like the kids or really want to play with them though they are very open and friendly.
• coughs without covering her mouth, licks her fingers and puts them into the cooking pot and frequently forgets please and thank you despite the kids being told repeatedly about all these.
• keeps telling little fibs
• barely leaves her room, despite encouragement to visit places. I've setup a facebook group to help her make friends and even contacted some of the members to get her going
• complains constantly of ailments which have now covered most her anatomy, though said she was in good health on her form. I've offered the doctor but she says no. Nothing seems very serious, and her complaints generally coincide with me asking her to do something she hasn't done and was supposed to.

It turns out that besides everything else everyone in her family suffers from anxiety. I feel sorry for her and it was gutsy of her to come but my family and the atmosphere in our home is really suffering. I have taken the kids out the house for lunch and dinner twice last week just to get away from the atmosphere. I am on my own with the kids in a big house and I really need someone effective.

Is this par for the course and was I just spoilt with my last au pair?

who paid?

I do recognise my black sense of humour taking over re kicking off the nationalities thing...put it down to an average of slightly over 3 hours sleep a night a night this week. It was (only partly) tongue in cheek . Lovely to see how open and tolerant we are as a nation we are though. Still dying to hear about all those French and Italian au pair success stories though

sorry for the mixed upedness and crap prose!

As she's been with you for less than a year, you just have to give her the contractual notice to let her go. She can't claim unfair dismissal.

FeatheredHeart firstly my APs have all been French and I have had no attitude problems. I bite the bullet, pay the money and use an agency who follows up references and checks the prospective APs have done the childcare that they have said. Next I choose girls who have already lived away from home, so are used to cleaning and feeding themselves.
I am very clear at the start what their jobs are and the first week I take off and spend with them doing everything. During this time I get them enrolled at college and go with them on the bus to their first day at college. We do also make them part of our family and take them places with us at weekends.
As well as the regular cleaning, child care duties they are also asked to read in French to DD (we have a selection of age appropriate books).
One of our ex-APs is still a very close family friend and we visit her family and they visit us on a regular basis.

We are all coloured by our experiences and can only go on what works for our specific circumstances.

Whilst it is true that every aupair is an individual, she also comes with her cultural baggage as do we as a family. So finding the right fit is very important. Once a template works, I would tend to stick to it, if possible, and try not to stray.

Because I can pick and choose aupairs (live in London so very hot with prospective aupairs), I need a way to screen and nationality plays a role. Last aupair hiring exercise, I went through 500+ profiles.

Feathered, nationalities that did not work out for me - French and Scandinavians. Surprising because a lot of people swear by the Nordics. What works for me are German-speaking (Germany, Austria). I steer clear of Spanish and Italians because their English is too poor - pretty evident from their profiles. Same for French.

"Feathered, nationalities that did not work out for me - French and Scandinavians. Surprising because a lot of people swear by the Nordics. What works for me are German-speaking (Germany, Austria). I steer clear of Spanish and Italians because their English is too poor - pretty evident from their profiles. Same for French."

can you really not see how vile that is?

some people swear by the Nordics

they are not domestic appliances!

Feathered I can't believe you are considering soldiering on. I found your last post about her being fascinating painful to read. Please get rid, especially if you have a stressful time coming up with one child in hospital. You will feel so much better when she goes and it is so possible to find a good one. I went via an agency, if you want feedback on them feel free to CAT.

No I don't, Greensleeves. You are entitled to your opinion to which I do not agree.

Ok, she's going. Tomorrow I think. She kept bursting into tears every time I showed her - nicely - how to redo something she hadn't done..and then each time saying something hurt - her shoulder, ears, head, hip etc. She suffers from severe anxiety...something she lied about on her application form. Her parents called yesterday and said she was of a very anxious disposition and I should just let her do what she wanted when she wanted. Since I was planning on trying to get through next week with her while I looked for someone else, i just said fine. I said to her through gritted teeth and a huge smile that she could just do what she wanted and felt able to do...seeing as she (would ordinarily have) had a good idea of what was needed. And she did absolutely nothing. Sorry - she emptied the dishwasher this morning and set the table yesterday. Whilst still being quite pleasant and coming down for all her meals - her appetite has always been quite undiminished, no matter what the ailment. So I started making a point of all the jobs I as about to go off and do, meanwhile asking if there was anything else I could do for her...make tea, fetch her biscuits, etc. And after 24 hours I think the penny dropped.

Thx for your notes Lizcat. Sounds like you have a good system going. I certainly wont again hire a stand-in in a hurry that I wouldn't ordinarily have hired.

I didn't realise until too late that the photo she'd posted was taken when she was 10 which would probably have rung alarm bells.

How do you all get the au pairs to commit for sure? After my planned au pair dropped out at the last minute because of flight costs and she hadn't got the visa I was planning this time on asking for a flight booking within 24 hours of making an offer (otherwise i just keep hiring)...?

Just to say i have had 2 French aupairs and both have been wonderful, my summer girl leaves in a week and we will miss her dreadfully.I have also had Italian aupairs, one fab and one awful.I dont think it has much to do with where they are from its the individual thats important.
Goodluck with your search, girls who have lived away from home tend to work out better as Lizcat says and always speak to their childcare refs ( i like to know if they are cheerful and pro active) .

20% of APs are really good
20% of APs are crap like this
60% are vaguely competent

IME

Greensleeves, what criteria do you use when you hire au pairs? Or nannies?

Bearing in mind that you are looking for somebody who is going to live with your family in your house, and work alongside you and have some sole charge of your children, the most precious people in your life. How do you select the candidate you think is the best fit for your family?

OMG do you people actually live in the real world?!!! Most of us plebs have to struggle on with NO help whatsoever.The moaning about the crap au pairs is only masking what you really want-a skivvy.Look after your own kids and do your own bloody housework.Its called being a mother!

ps-the fact that noone got the joke about "the local girl" is priceless!

pink4ever, have a look at what topic you are sprouting your crap in. It is called "Childminders, nannies and au pairs". Usually working parents post here. Do you want to stir up a Working Mother / Stay at Home mother debate? Or are you just ignorant for the sake of it?

Hi,

I just wanted to add that I found my first 2 APs through APWorld and whilst it was fine and they were fine it was all very time consuming in terms of corresponding with them to see if we got on, having 2 or 3 'on the go' in terms of chatting then as you say wondering when they accepted my offer whether they were actually going to turn up or not! All this was do-able when I had lots of time or was making an offer months in advance but for the AP that arrived in August I just didn't have the time.

I ended up using Abacus Au Pairs and IIRC it cost about £230 once I had found a profile I liked, chatted with the girl on skype and made a job offer. The relief of having to not check all the refs myself and have details of all the travel arrangements within 2 or 3 days was, to me worth the money, as was the knowledge that if she didn't turn up for whatever reason or had to leave in the first few weeks then the agency would help me find a replacement.

I have also soldiered on with an AP that was a bit rubbish as I felt sorry for her and really in hindsight I should have given notice as soon as I realised it was not going to improve, for both our sakes.

I hope she moves on quickly and you find someone who'll do what you need them to, this girl obviously isn't really cut out to be an au pair.

On the subject of nationalities, my lovely German girl is living up to the national stereotype of being extremely organised and tidy and we are very happy together!

We use Abacus. And have had exactly Snail's experience with them and with AP World (and with German APs incidentally!!)

Feathered if her parents called to give you advice on how to 'manage' her it is surely approprate for her to go straight home to them so they can do this first hand.

Feathered Heart - have you told your AP to leave now?? Your situation sounds awful and that it has deteriorated to rock bottom since your original post. Your AP sounds more like a (bad) guest - and you're providing free board and lodging - and paying her too

Good luck in your search. Personally I found there were a lot of timewasters on AuPair sites such as AuPairWord - and consequently requires more hiring effort than using an agency. Once I make an offer, I ask for flight numbers to ensure they are actually coming.

In answer to your question QS - references, interviews, personal intuition, trial period

certainly not half-baked pig ignorant racial stereotyping

get rid of her. I used a series of au pairs when my youngest two were little. 3 lasted about a year each-all lovely ,all different characters from each other but great additions to our family at the time-like having a really nice big sister about . (one French one Czech and one Italian) But had 2 awful ones. Each lasted about a week. Thats long enough to tell. She sounds hopeless and you sound as if you have tried much harder than I would have. Move on. We are still in touch with all our lovely au pairs. You will be lucky again.

Feathered, my 'mum's little princess' au pair did actually pay for her own ticket home. But I had just given her a big chunk of wages which included some money in advance, so I didn't feel too bad.

Anyway, hopefully you will have said goodbye by now. I remember taking the princess to the tube in the car to get her flight home. I had got in already and she couldn't work out how to open the car door. She stood there waiting for me to open it for her. "Try pulling the handle" I ventured with a hopeful smile...

Seenitall is right, you should be able to tell within about a week. It was a month all told for me with the princess. Never again!

I have just today had an email from a lovely Italian au pair who stayed with us for a year. She's bringing her new boyfriend over who has never been to England before and they're going to come over for a Sunday roast. Big smiles all round, and especially from my DS. Can't wait to see her.

Fingers crossed for you Feathered for your next au pair. When all's said and done it is really a bit of a lottery...

It really is a bit of a lottery. You try to increase your chances by your screening/interview/reference checking but there is always an element of luck.

My philosophy is not to agonise over the mistakes. As many say, you know within a week. Feathered, yours is a pretty open and shut case. You are a saint to put up with so much for so long. My jaw was on the floor reading your posts. Would be laughing if I was not crying for you. Hope she is already gone by now.

I try to ship the ones that don't work out quickly (only had to do that once). Sadly, I have honed my emergency rehiring technique to the point I can get another aupair in within 2 weeks (aupairworld), and worked out how to cover in the meantime re: work (basically wall-to-wall breakfast/afterschool clubs with dh and I splitting the drop-offs/pick ups).

QS Greensleeves, what criteria do you use when you hire au pairs? Or nannies?

Are you serious? You can't think of any criteria to use other than racial stereotyping?! Do you work? How would you feel if you went for an interview and didn't get the job beacause you're Norwegian and the employer had heard that Norwegians are lazy? Totally with Greensleeves on this one!

Featheredheart why don't you find an au pair who is already in the country? There are often lots on Gumtree in the 'looking for work' section.

I sympathise. Our first aupair was fab and the others were downhill all the way. The last one was a disaster.

You can't be forced out of your own home and I think you should tell her it isn't workingout for you

Oh and btw our star aupair was French and absolutely fabulous. Would have him back like a shot, if he ever wanted to come back.