What would you do with this au pair?

[FeatheredHeart]

I need a sanity check as I do recognise I'm getting rather wound up...

We had an au pair who was fabulous in every way (she wanted to work with kids) for almost a year...this is the French stand-in for another girl who cancelled at the last minute. She's now in her 3rd week, one of which was a handover week which she said was really useful

• doesn't finish jobs that have been explained and written down and there are post its everywhere to help which she finds useful
• skives hugely as often as possible
• is jaw-droppingly slow at everything
• is unwilling to accept the responsibility to look after the kids for 10 mins in the park while i nipped home to fetch something. Doesn't want kids of her own because it's too much responsibility (this before she started helping out with mine)
• unable to give the kids a largely prepared tea for an hour
• goes on about how much better france is in everything
• thinks kids should be hit and is constantly looking on judgementally when mine (3 and 16mo) hoot exuberantly or want to get down from the table
• doesn't seem to particularly like the kids or really want to play with them though they are very open and friendly.
• coughs without covering her mouth, licks her fingers and puts them into the cooking pot and frequently forgets please and thank you despite the kids being told repeatedly about all these.
• keeps telling little fibs
• barely leaves her room, despite encouragement to visit places. I've setup a facebook group to help her make friends and even contacted some of the members to get her going
• complains constantly of ailments which have now covered most her anatomy, though said she was in good health on her form. I've offered the doctor but she says no. Nothing seems very serious, and her complaints generally coincide with me asking her to do something she hasn't done and was supposed to.

It turns out that besides everything else everyone in her family suffers from anxiety. I feel sorry for her and it was gutsy of her to come but my family and the atmosphere in our home is really suffering. I have taken the kids out the house for lunch and dinner twice last week just to get away from the atmosphere. I am on my own with the kids in a big house and I really need someone effective.

Is this par for the course and was I just spoilt with my last au pair?

I get the impression aupairs on gumtree want nanny rates ...

Preferring one nationality over another because of previous good experiences does not mean nationality is the only criteria. That would be truly illogical but I am sure QS can speak for herself.

I have criteria as long as my arm, all of which inform my decision, nationality being one of them.

Well it's free to reply to 'work wanted' ads on Gumtree so it wouldn't hurt to look into it. It may be because some people on Gumtree advertise 'au pair position', but if you read the ad they want full-time, sole-charge childcare, which is a nanny, so only fair in this case that they want nanny money?

blueshoes QS did speak for herself she asked 'What criteria do you use?!' as though without racial steroetyping she'd be lost! And FYI using nationality at any point (even with other methods) IS discriminatory and isn't allowed in any other area of life.

e.g. two children want to go to same school, only one place left. They're even on all other criteria (distance from school, siblings etc.) they take child A because he's polish and they work hard child B is from Mexico and they're lazy! There'd be outrage!

Your are unhappy with her, she is obviously unhappy, so if I were you, I would amicably terminate the contract and say "shame it did not work out but that's life". In this way, you can both move on to other arrangements.

Extending the misery that you are both feeling does not make sense.

Awful spelling again, sorry.

Regarding the nationality thing, what this is about is that when people have one good experience with an AP of a certain nationality the temptation is to stick with that because you feel like you know and understand the culture and have an idea of what to expect. Most people LOGICALLY would say this is probably a bit unreasonable, but selecting someone to live in your home with you is not totally based on logic as I think most people would accept. It's about instinct and what feels comfortable.

Instinct and what feels comfortable YES. Racial stereotyping (that some people have described on here) NO.

and a little anecdote to demonstrate.....The family used to nanny for, now use au pairs as the children are at school. The first was hungarian, she was fab, they loved her, she loved them, she stayed 2 years and they're still in touch (recently went out to Hungary for her wedding). The second was Hungarian and again fab, they loved her, she loved them etc etc, she only stayed 6 months because her bf got a good job in Hungary and they went home. The third was Hungarian. She was a nutcase. She lasted about 3 months before they had to ask her to leave. She was really nuts, not just lazy!

So what we have learnt is in every country, every culture, people of every colour and religion some are lovely and some are not.

nannylocal: "blueshoes QS did speak for herself she asked 'What criteria do you use?!' as though without racial steroetyping she'd be lost!"

You are extrapolating far too much.

As for aupairs on gumtree wanting nanny rates: unqualified aupair who happens to be in UK wanting qualified nanny pay = timewaster.

That anecdote is pretty patronising. You must think aupair employers are gibbering idiots that prefer a nationality and cannot tell a lazy bugger from golddust. As for all persons of one nationality being fab aupairs, what planet do you live on that you think aupair employers who prefer a nationality think they will never get it wrong. Just because some of us are guided by our good experiences of one nationality in order maximise our chances of a fit does not mean we blind to the individual traits of a person. Why would I even bother to follow up on references if nationality is such a sure thing.

blushoes As for aupairs on gumtree wanting nanny rates: unqualified aupair who happens to be in UK wanting qualified nanny pay = timewaster - yes agree completely, I'm just saying there are some cases where, jobs are asking for au pairs to nanny jobs and in those cases they deserve more money that would normally be offered an au pair.

what planet do you live on that you think aupair employers who prefer a nationality think they will never get it wrong - erm....I never said they think they will 'never get it wrong'. I just said I think it is unfair, wrong and discriminatory to employ someone/not employ someone in any way based on nationality (unless it is specifically relevant to the job e.g. you need a particular langauge or something)

some of us are guided by our good experiences of one nationality - Go back to the school analogy...the school have had other Polish pupils who were really hard-working and previous Mexican pupils who were lazy...so it's ok to choose the Polish child over the other because of past good experiences with other people of the same nationality. If you can't see the problem here then I admit defeat! I'll leave you to your Daily Mail.

Nannylocal, if you think aupair employers don't have preferences re: nationality, you live on cloudcuckooland. You might as well be King Canute. The law is on our side, as you well know.

I would love to be proven wrong for a nationality I don't normally go for to produce a gem. And this hiring round, I have approached girls of less favoured (that must really rile you) nationalities because I liked their profile. I eventually went with my current one, German/Polish as it turns out, because she was the only one who jumped through my hoops. Although she has only been with me for a week, she has so far exceeded expectations and my family is delighted.

I wonder if the preference for nationality is also to do with cultural and religious preferences, ie Polish and Italian's are generally Catholic that type of thing, also as in my case I wanted Italian as my children are learning Italian at school, it is not all about racisim!

Thats right.
I stand by what I have said. I am Norwegian, my husband is Polish, and we have for that reason only selected Norwegian or Polish aupairs, due to the languges spoken in our family. In my experience the polish girls have been hard working and willing to learn, even the 17 year old summer aupair who by her mums admission never had as much as seen the inside of a washing machine. She learnt to sort laundry like a pro during her stay, and went home to uni to do a geography degree.

Ohhhhh I could tell you what I'd do with your au pair, eh....eh....eh?

I'd have a word and agree it's in her best interests to move on.

I do have preferences for nationality. They must come from a country they can call home for free on my dialling plan.

Out. Inexperience and needing to be shown is one thing. Bad attitude another. She has chosen to come over and do this, where she could have chosen something else (like waitressing).

You need someone reliable and sharing a house with someone who creates a bad atmosphere is intolerable.

Been a bit manic here the last week..but she did go last weekend and it was a truly IMMENSE relief. And thanks to all the comments about successful French / Italian au pairs I wont discount them as applicants...albeit I'll be a bit more circumspect ;)

I think that's awful the way she is making you feel in your own home. I would get rid of her as soon as you can and I'm sure there are nannies in the area who would genuinly just love to help you out! Sounds like if you sat down with her and said you don't seem to enjoy your life here she would probably agree with you and be happy to go on her way.

Have you found out if there are any angencies in your area -there are plenty of lovely nannies out there who absolutely love looking after children!

k xxx

Woops hadn't noticed that last post!!