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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

What would you do with this au pair?

94 replies

FeatheredHeart · 06/09/2010 16:53

I need a sanity check as I do recognise I'm getting rather wound up...

We had an au pair who was fabulous in every way (she wanted to work with kids) for almost a year...this is the French stand-in for another girl who cancelled at the last minute. She's now in her 3rd week, one of which was a handover week which she said was really useful

  • doesn't finish jobs that have been explained and written down and there are post its everywhere to help which she finds useful
  • skives hugely as often as possible
  • is jaw-droppingly slow at everything
  • is unwilling to accept the responsibility to look after the kids for 10 mins in the park while i nipped home to fetch something. Doesn't want kids of her own because it's too much responsibility (this before she started helping out with mine)
  • unable to give the kids a largely prepared tea for an hour
  • goes on about how much better france is in everything
  • thinks kids should be hit and is constantly looking on judgementally when mine (3 and 16mo) hoot exuberantly or want to get down from the table
  • doesn't seem to particularly like the kids or really want to play with them though they are very open and friendly.
  • coughs without covering her mouth, licks her fingers and puts them into the cooking pot and frequently forgets please and thank you despite the kids being told repeatedly about all these.
  • keeps telling little fibs
  • barely leaves her room, despite encouragement to visit places. I've setup a facebook group to help her make friends and even contacted some of the members to get her going
  • complains constantly of ailments which have now covered most her anatomy, though said she was in good health on her form. I've offered the doctor but she says no. Nothing seems very serious, and her complaints generally coincide with me asking her to do something she hasn't done and was supposed to.
It turns out that besides everything else everyone in her family suffers from anxiety. I feel sorry for her and it was gutsy of her to come but my family and the atmosphere in our home is really suffering. I have taken the kids out the house for lunch and dinner twice last week just to get away from the atmosphere. I am on my own with the kids in a big house and I really need someone effective.

Is this par for the course and was I just spoilt with my last au pair?

OP posts:
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dinkystinky · 09/09/2010 08:56

I'd get shot.

QS · 09/09/2010 09:01

You need to get rid.

All our polish au pairs have worked out beautifully. They are honestly not scared of work. Fabulous work ethic. Get up in the morning, get the kids dressed, help out with breakfast, with a sunny smile and pleasant outlook.

We dont have an au pair at the moment, but we have a babysitter who comes once a week while dh and I go dancing Salsa. She mops the floors after the kids have gone to sleep. I have a cleaner and a babysitter in one go. Like she said "I am glad to have something to do while the kids are sleeping". She is polish.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 09:07

I would do whatever the legal procedure is to dismiss her and find a better replacement - agree with whoever said that if the baby is poorly you need somebody you can trust

this girl doesn't sound grown-up enough to manage the job

I have to say though QS that I find the "polish girls - fabulous work ethic" thing more than a little cringeworthy

QS · 09/09/2010 09:09

thats fine greeny, you dont have to agree.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 09/09/2010 09:47

IIRC QS's DH is Polish, so the comment isn't as patronising as it potentially sounds.

QS · 09/09/2010 10:00

No, that is right. My inlaws are polish. We are familiar with the "polish community" in London and visit Poland for most holidays.
On balance, I am Norwegian and in comparison we are lazy layabouts. Wink

We had a Norwegian au pair once. She would enjoy a leisurely breakfast, and upon seeing me stress, raise her eyebrows, look at the watch and exclaim "dont worry, you have time to do both a, b, c and d before the school run". Yeah, that was really helpful.

Anyhooooo, regardless of any nationality, some just arent keen on being an au pair after all.

btw, my judgeypants come from experience.

Original poster
FeatheredHeart · 09/09/2010 10:07

ha ha ha...oh i can so identify with the Norwegian story from a previous spanish au pair. Interesting to hear that...i would've thought Norwegians would've had quite a lot of get up and go...for no rational reason i can think of. My Czech one was superb. On the non-PC front I was planning on screening out Italian, Spanish or French au pairs for the next go. Anyone had any great au pairs from these places?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 10:08

Shock I find it racist, sorry

you surely can't think all Polish girls or all Italian girls are the same?

Are you and all your British friends the same?

Strix · 09/09/2010 10:10

I had a fab Polish nanny, who recently left because we downgraded to an au pair. New au pair is German and can most certainly run circles round the one described in the OP.

I would agree, for the most part, with the Polish work ethic comments from QS. However, I also once had a Polish girl who was absolute shit. She was more interested in her porn than shee was my child. And she fed her white bread with chocolate sauce for breakfast one day... I almost had a heart attack.

I must say the earlier comments about the local girl who works for minimum wage and knows her place are a tad more offensive than QS' (complimentary) post about Polish au pairs.

I am also a big fan of Germans now. Smile

Oh, and for the OP, I would give her three days to shape up or ship out. And I wouldn't be paying for her air fare.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/09/2010 10:12

Strix, I thnk the ';local girl' comment was a joke.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 10:12

I think the "local girl" post was a disgusted piece of irony from someone who found the whole topic distasteful

that's how I read it anyway

I think complimentary racial stereotyping is unpleasant in its own right. And more insidious than the blatantly offensive stuff.

Original poster
FeatheredHeart · 09/09/2010 10:17

Well, I speak fluent Italian and French have been there a lot & know a fair bit about the cultures and I've been going to Spain for almost 30 years. So I guess you just go by your experiences...and whilst I think there are many assets in all these countries, I have a feeling good au pairs are not one of them. I find it very tempting to agree with the generalised comment I saw somewhere about western european au pairs generally expecting everything handed to them on a plate. We have a new thing going in our house..it's called free board and lodging...AND WE PAY YOU!!!

OP posts:
QS · 09/09/2010 10:21

It is blatantly offensive that somebody is saying they have positive experiences of au pairs from certain nationalities, and prefer those over others. Really?

You think that is racism?

Dont you think that statement is possibly undermining the real meaning of "racism" ?

QS · 09/09/2010 10:26

In my general experience, most norwegian girls are treated as little princesses by their parents, most norwegian teenagers dont lift a finger in the home. They dont have part time work next to studies, because they are well funded and dont have to. Does it make them good au pairs? Do they want to clean for a bit of extra money when babysitting? Hell no! They want pizza, popcorn, coca cola and a movie with their best friend, and to get paid. Oh, and the child has to be already asleep when they arrive, otherwise they wont do it. This is my experience.

Strix · 09/09/2010 10:27

Oh oh... My German girl's lack of sense of humor must be rubbing off on me. (just kidding, she does not really lack a sense of humour)

Blush
Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 10:28

No, I didn't say that your comments WERE blatantly offensive. What I said was

"I think complimentary racial stereotyping is unpleasant in its own right. And more insidious than the blatantly offensive stuff."

and I don't for one minute think that you ntended to be belittling or racist in your comments

I personally find that sort of racial stereotyping unpleasant though. I think it contributes to the racism problem, although in a different way from the more overtly offensive negative stereotyping.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 10:30

tbh I don't only find it objectionable because it's racist. The "poor people make better workers" insinuation also pisses me off Grin

mightyoak · 09/09/2010 10:32

We have had Polish, Hungarian, Spanish and German au pairs - our Polish and Hungrian ones were useless and lazy and our Spanish and German ones were brilliant - it just comes down to the individual in the end, and the nationality is the way of describing them!

I was always told not to get an only child - but had an only child this summer who was lovely and really enjoyed being part of a big family and joining in.

Featheredheart - I would get rid, if you are going out to escape with the children it defeats the object of having an au pair - they are meant to make your life easier not keep you out of your house!

QS · 09/09/2010 10:32

What makes you think they are all poor?

Is that your stereotype?

Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 10:33

It was the "do they want to clean for extra money" vs being treated like "little princesses" that caused me to make that inference

that and the fact that it comes up rather a lot on domestic staff threads on MN

QS · 09/09/2010 10:35

But is there no truth in it?

I work to earn money.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2010 10:37

so does most of the adult population of Norway

it's the racial generalisations I find ugly. But as you said, we don't have to agree.

Metrobaby · 09/09/2010 11:20

As mightyoak says - I find it's more down the indvidual's personality, past experience, and general outlook than their nationality. IME with 3 APs I've had, it's not always the best policy to make generalisations according to age, nationality, whether they are an only child or not.

QS · 09/09/2010 11:26

I might be guilty of generalizing, and I must admit I have only had the pleasure of employing either Norwegian or Polish au pairs (for our family's language mix) and have clear preferences after my personal experiences.

oliviaaah · 09/09/2010 11:27

I had an au pair who didn't work out. The alarm bells started to ring when she said she was her mum's 'little princess'. I tried really hard to keep an open mind, but now in retrospect, I should have finished it earlier. The whole experience showed me a lot about myself as it happens, and I am now glad we went through it! I certainly realised I am a people pleaser and wary of confrontation. I had to really steel myself to have a proper talk with her. I don't know if this is your situation OP, but when I did finally talk to her about it, giving her the option of either quickly and vastly improving her performance within a finite time period or going home, she chose going home, much to her and my relief.