dd said nanny slapped her- advice?

[sagalsmith]

My 2 year old daughter yesterday told me, unprompted-she's very talkative and parrots everything with good vocab- that R slap her and she put her hand to her cheek. I was doing the dishes and she was colouring then. I have never used that word in front of her or ever slapped her.Neither has hubby. I was so shocked I didn't really respond but an hour later asked her (prompting I suppose this time) and she once again repeated it and placed her hand on her cheek, very matter of fact.
My forms of punishment for her is a tap on her hand, which she will happily perform if she knows she's done something she's not supposed to or when she's frustrated but only if it happened recently. So I think this has really happened. She's a very happy child generally besides her terrible 2s tantrums but has had to deal with some jealousy with dd2 who's 9m and division of attention. Nanny is very obviously into dd2.
As far as I know, it could have been a simple tap on the cheek (tap as in not causing pain). She's a very good nanny and I'm not sure what to do. I get frustrated with dd1 sometimes so can definitely see how another person can be but have not been able to stop thinking about this and can't accept another person hitting her of course. This is a live in nanny so quite ingrained into the family. I'm worried to bring it up in case it was really nothing and it will spoil the relationship for good. I'm also not happy to not mention it. This nanny has her old employers calling her up every so often and has maintained very good relations with them- which I take as a good sign.
Any advice from other parents and other nannies?

She was probably defensive because, even casually, it's a really terrible thing to be accused of! I know you said stuff about kids making stuff up etc to make it seem casual, but you've also said here you def think she did it, so perhaps she picked up on your body language/tone!

Also i would be careful about saying 'there is no way she could have picked it up'. It may be unlikely, but unless you daughter lives in isolation there is always a way she could have found out what 'slap' means.

For example;

1. From another child in the park/playgroup/party; anywhere!

1. From a book/story

1. Even from a small amount of TV, 20 secs of Hollyoaks could have done it!

1. Overheard from other adults on the bus/in the street/at a family gathering

1. Maybe the nanny said it, in reference to something and someone else e.g on the phone and your DD overheard or to another nanny at playgroup

Or most likely

1. Maybe DD1 'slapped' DD2 and the nanny said 'Don't slap your sister'. Or another child slapped someone and were told in earshot of your daughter 'don't slap such and such'

I think accusing someone of a physical assault on a child on the basis that she said 'slap' and you don't use that word is quite risky!

If i was so sure that my daughter had been slapped by the nanny? I wouldn't have left my child with the nanny for one second more!

you said your dd had tried to slap your other child, so she knew what slapping was? is it possible she tried to slap someone else and the nanny spoke to her about it - expanded her vocabulary a bit?

i only ask - my dc's have come up with some really strange 'so and so hit me/ smacked me' stuff which seems plausible enough at first, and turns out out to be a total misunderstanding.

once we spent two weeks trying to work out when 'cousin ben hit me' for 2yo dd2. it turns out that the 'cousin ben' she was referring to wasn't cousin ben at all, but ben next door (presumably she was only calling him 'cousin ben because she was used to hearing it), and 'me' was 'mia' his sister, and she had been watching them through the fence. cousin ben hit me indeed. it went on for weeks, and we were genuinely worried.

i never know where they pick up language or anything. 2yo dd1 picked up an action man bayonet belonging to an older friend's ds and used it to 'skewer' 6mo ds1 in the ear, perforating his eardrum. my friend who witnessed the incident said she just picked it up off the floor, stuck it in her brother's ear, and twisted it, saying 'skewer' really clearly. she wasn't being malicious, just experimenting...

small children baffle me.

i've always had good relationships with our nannys though - but i think if i had mentioned that one of the dcs had accused them of slapping them they'd be fairly defensive.

If you believe this happened, I am mystified as to why you would continue to have her look after your child.
In fact to be honest I am frankly appalled at your attitude to this. You seem to think that now she has been informed that she will be "told on" then its ok to carry on with her caring for your DD.
This is not how a nanny/employer relationship should work, if you don't trust her she simply shouldn't be there.

if you feel/believe that it did happen then i am suprised (as others are) that you are still employing her

yes you will never know the truth, but sounds like you dont beleive your nanny - on the other hand does seem weird she brought up her ex dc, i still see mine (left 5yrs ago) but i wouldnt compare them

i still think slap is a weird word for a child to say, not smack and i would ask your dd where she got slapped and get her to point to you - dont say was it ar/face/leg or this is promting

as i said previosuly, NO childcarer should EVER hit their charges but if it was across the face that is a total no no

blonds

you might reference your previous employer if accused of assaulting a child though, no? Surely you would look to someone who knows you well and knows how you behave around children? I can't think of anyone better to refer to at that time!

'Slap' isn't that weird is it? It's a commonly used word I would have thought. They use the term 'happy slap' on the news/papers etc so it's not as though it's something that's never said! The nanny could have quite easily said to her 'don't slap your sister'! I'm sure i've said that to the children I look after.

Totally in agreement that if she did slap the child, then she needs to be sacked and reported to the relevant authority. I'm just very concerned about the evidence (or lack of) against this poor nanny.

Doesn't sound great to me. I was a great nanny, no smacking or shouting. Not so great as a mum. People are different in different scenarios. If you are sure she hit your daughter, why is she still with you? I have visions of the nanny telling your dd not to tell or else .

You believe it happened but she's still with you?

maybe its me, my lo is into smacking and gets time out for it

but i say dont smack xxx not dont slap

but yes i guess you would want to defend yourself and say ex mb was 100% happy with me

I have never believed in smacking and an Ofsted registered nanny had to tick a box to say they will not smack their charges.

I did a 3 week temping job where the child told mum I smacked him and she made a roundabout little speech about how she rarely smacked her children, which went totally over my head as I didn't have a clue what had been said! I told her I didn't believe in smacking and was then told "Oh I'm sorry (X) said you smacked him" It's the only instance I have of a child lying but it made me aware it does happen. If you really think this nanny slapped your child round the face then that would be very worrying and you should get rid of her. Please be sure first that there is real evidence as it all seems a bit contrived