Finding it hard to cope working full time

[Lasvegas]

Not sure why I cannot manage my life and wondered if others who work full time also felt overwhelmed.

I work full time - 9 to 5. I have an hours commute involving walking, train, bus into London. I found commute stressful before I had DD so now even worse.

DD is 2.9 I drop her at 8am at childcare. 3 out of 5 evenings AP collects DD and I collect 2 evenings. AP cleans house and spends another 4 hours a week on chores, hanging out washing, unloading dishwasher, buying milk/bread.

Despite all this domestic help I find my life overwhelming. So stressful getting DD out of house in am, she faffs as she doesn't want me to go to work. In evening I only see her for 1 hour before bed and she has tantrums as she doesn't want to have a bath etc. I realise that she is prob like this because she doesn't see enough of me, but the guilt makes me feel worse and I get so angry with her. Then angry with myself

I get up at 6.30am but am always late for work because DD delays me - i know its because she loves me, but my job is such that I should be on time. As it is I have to wake her at 7.20 am so waking her earlier isn't an option.

Am thinking about asking GP to prescribe something to make me less hassled. Every other aspect of my life is story book perfect. I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to be caring/ calm mum to DD before/after work.

sounds fairly normal unfortunately, and you have my sympathy! I have been in similar situations. Got out of it by removing the commute from the equation, ie getting a job near home.

Before you even think about going to your GP, think about changing your life a bit. Ask to work fewer days or flexible hours or find a new job closer to home - there have to be options other than enduring a situation that is clearly making you very unhappy. I think full time work and children without, say, a nanny or partner at home, must be an incredibly difficult and stressful thing to do. I admire anyone who can pull it off. Not sure at all that I could.

I really don't think drugs are the answer here.

Its your life that is hassled not your body iyswim!!!
The more you stress about it the more stressful it is!
Is cutting hours an option or do you need to work full time!
Do you have a partner?

I've been going through the same thought process and furstrations as you very recently. DS is 3 next week and I work full time. I don't have AP but I also don't have a long commute. Even so, I find it extremly tiring and sad coping with the home and a full time job. There never seems to be enough hours in the day. I'm exhausted by the end of the day, I don't have enough time or energy to play with DS a lot and DS (even though he enjoys nursery) seems to want to be with me.

I have also considered going to GP for some help but instead am considering a different approach - changing my lifestyle - going part-time at work. I don't know whether I am brave enough to do this as I have almost always worked full-time as an adult and have never really been a SAHM.

I know I don't have advice for you but I hope it helps to see that there are others in similar situations to yourself.

Lasvegas,

Thank you - now I know that I am not the only one who feels I just can't cope! With work, children, husband, house, family all grabbing for time I just feel drained. All I want is a little me time.

Can't say that it gets better (my dds are only 18m & 4y) but hoping.

I really feel that we were sold this story that women can do it all - career, husband, nice house, kids. I'm going to tell my two that its not possible without alot of hard work and tiredness. I wish I didn't wait until I was in mid 30s and had done it years ago.

I'm with you and big hug from me.

maybe cut down hours and when you feel more in control you can build them up again. There is nothing wrong with being a sahm!

Yes I have a partner but his work is such that he cannot do drop/pick -ups. Once a week he is home by 6.30 so does the bath. Financially I could cut down to 4 days but work say no, I work in the law and agree with their decission, there is no one else to pick -up the hours I drop. Working at home not option either. Work have been amazing to me since I returned after mat leave.

Thinking maybe of increasing AP's hrs and getting her to do am drop offs - this will save me 15 minutes and means that I stay calm with DD in am. I feel so bad yesterday I shouted at her coz she was on loo for 20 minutes in am and 25 after bath. I just don't have the spare capacity in my timetable to accomodate this delay, not her fault but I blame her. To be honest I wouldn't have had her is I knew what it was going to be like. It is so unfair on her she cannot even relax in the am and this has been case since she was 7 months old.

maybe you need to look at your time and see if there is a way anything can give!

Tablets are not the answer! Life is hectic..I really admire you going to work!!
I dont know how anyone does it!!
Could DH cut his hours?

Change to a different child friendly firm? Don't see how your AP dropping off DD will solve all your problems as you will only then have less time with her!

LasVegas - I was in a similar position to you a year ago having returned to work after an eight year break with the children. I too have an au-pair so had about the same help domestically as you but I couldnt cope and really resented the fact that my weekends were spent catching up with everything. I sat down with my boss and said would he consider me working a four day week instead of a five day week. (not a bad idea for him either because he still gets all his work done and pays me for only four days out of five to do it in). I now work Mon Tues, (Wednesday off)and then back to work for Thursday and Friday. This works really well cos as far as the DD's are concerned I only work two days then have a whole day off then work another two days and then have two days off IYSWIM so effectively it seems to them like I dont actually work four out of five days a week. Of course that may not work in your situation but if it is possible it really has helped me. Dont negotiate for a Monday off tho as then you wont be paid for Bank Holidays.

which bit is causing you most stress. I believe in breaking a problem down and facing each bit..its not so huge then!!

oops sorry cross posted - cutting hours not an option. Good idea about getting the au-pair to drop opp tho then you would have to hurry her along and get so stressed out first thing

Ooooo, can I join this rant? I'm with you. Got up this morning 30 minutes late. DS is 3 moths old and still breast fed first thing in the morning and last thing at night. The res pf the day he gets bottle from the nanny. So, this morning he diecided he didn't feel like sucking, meanwhile I'm looking at the clock thinking get on with it mister. We're late. Like a 3 month old baby is going give a rats arse???? DH works away all week. He leaves Monday morning and returns Thursday evening. I get up at 5:30 every day (except today grrrr). As I still look like a fat cow I try to squeeze in running on Monday and Thrusday evening. And Saturday morning I try to go running too (if DH will watch the kids). Yes yes yes, I so understand that feling of never catching up. If I didn't have a nanny, I'd surely be committed to a looney bin. Anyway, keep the job, hire more domestic help. I think it's a good idea to raise the au pairs hours and give her the difficult morning. Can she also feed and get your DD ready for bed before youget home so that you can just walkin and have some quality time rather than struggles about bath time, etc.

We should have a meet up of over stressed working mums... somewhere in greater London?

I find it very hard to cope too. I do have some 9well a lot) of flexibility in how i get my f/t job done, but it is the lack emotional space which causes as much stress as the actual timetables, i think.

In all honesty, we have had to let some things give. DP is reducing his hours by 20% in the New year, adn i will be taking a sabbatical next year. I did go down to a four day week for 6 months, but that was because Ds was having a series of operations.

I do sympathise, Lasvegas.

so which bit is bothering you most?

If you start to wish you hadn't had a child because your work is so all consuming, I really think a rethink of your working life is necessary. You sound at the end of your tether.

If you could give up work for a bit maybe then re think it all?

Mumtosomeone. Most stress is the guilt of having to wake up DD in am, shove breakfast down her mouth, and rush her out of house when she is saying please don't go to work mummy I will be good. She has a shit lifestyle by all accounts. So I guess Uwila is right get AP to put shoes, coat on and drop her at minders (this is not quality time just stress time for both of us).

I live 4 miles from my office but no where to park in knightsbridge so use public transport. DP works in City, I work in fairly specilised area of law so neither of us can work outside of London so stuck with crap commute.

Uwila I feel better already as counting my blessings I'm not BF. I don't know how U manage.

Glad to know its not just me (ie chemical imbalance thing that GP can treat). Wondered whether maybe I was heading for a breakdown but my problems seem common enough to the rest of you.

I don't know your situation well enough to judge, but if giving up work means you can't afford au pair, cleaner, whomever, the I wouldn't do that. I just returned from 3 months of maternity leave. In order to afford that thrid month I have to get rid of nanny and do all the cleaning myself. I found staying home to be much more about trying to catch up with household chores than is was spending quality time with my kids and I though what was the bloody point of this. I might as well be at work (which I find much more enjoyable than scrubbing floors).

I am hiring a cleaner in the next couple of weeks. Yippee!!!!!

so if Getting DD up is the problem you need to look at how to make that bit easier!

Have you explained to her that she is a good girl and that you dont work to get away from her? If you are cross with her on a morning she will be upset and difficult!

Maybe you could get up a little earlier and make sure breakfast etc is ready and you are ready then wake dd. Put on your best happy face and chat with her about nursery etc! Remain as calm as you can.
Could you start work half an hour later for a bit to ease the situ?

Well, it being common doesn't mean you're not heading for a breakdown.
It sounds as if your life is very stressed, and any indication from a child that they are feeling presured is awful to deal with. DS once told me that he wanted 2 mummies, one to go to work, and one to stay at home with him.
I thnk your dd is at the age when they start to be very conscious of these things - and also an age when they just cannot 'hurry-up'. The resulting feelings of guilt at your impatience are just too much to bear, I find!

Is she having a nap in the day, or has that been phased out/ i wonder if a 1.5 hour nap could be re-introduced, she could stay up with you a bit later, and might wake earlier in the mornings?

A mixed blessing, I know, but DS wakes at about 6.30 and we spend a good length of time getting dressed in a relaxed way, maybe reading a book, even a bit of sticking and cutting before he goes to nursery.

I also think it's better if you CAN delegate the more practical tasks, so that your time with your dd isn't about chivvying, and having one half of your mind on the conflagration in the fish finger pan and one half on your dd's chatter. That just adds to the guilt.

This is going to sound carzy but hear me out. What if you started work earlier and came home earlier. Leave the whole morning routine to au pair. Get up get yourself ready. Sit down with DD while she remains in her pj's for say 20 min of quality time. Then exit early enough that au pair can dress and feed her and get her off to nursery. Then, because you wen in earlier you can go home earlier and get a longer quality time with her in the evening. You might actually end up with more time with your DD, but wouldn't spend it being frustrated. Then after she is off to bed you have your dinner.

This is going to sound really harsh and please don't think that I am completely unsympathetic because I am not and I have been there (3 children,virtually fulltime job,husband unable to help as corporate lawyer working long unpredictable hours)BUT if your child has a shit quality of life then that is your responsibilty,you are the adult and she is the child,it may be difficult to change your life to ensure her well being but you have to do it because it goes with the territory of being a parent,your job has to come second.In the end I found not being able to perform at work in the way that I felt I should was intolerable so changed my career specialism and sector .strangely enough it was traumatic but in the end cannot believe that it took me so long to do.
You have to stand back at look at the wood and not the trees,this is not a dress rehersal this is your life and most importanatly her life,there are no second chances.
There are quite a few city lawyers on this site in fact if you search under "city lawyers" there was a thread called something like this a while ago,you might find some good support.
By the way I tried the drugs route it doesn't take away the long term problem of being in two places at once!