Finding it hard to cope working full time

[Lasvegas]

Not sure why I cannot manage my life and wondered if others who work full time also felt overwhelmed.

I work full time - 9 to 5. I have an hours commute involving walking, train, bus into London. I found commute stressful before I had DD so now even worse.

DD is 2.9 I drop her at 8am at childcare. 3 out of 5 evenings AP collects DD and I collect 2 evenings. AP cleans house and spends another 4 hours a week on chores, hanging out washing, unloading dishwasher, buying milk/bread.

Despite all this domestic help I find my life overwhelming. So stressful getting DD out of house in am, she faffs as she doesn't want me to go to work. In evening I only see her for 1 hour before bed and she has tantrums as she doesn't want to have a bath etc. I realise that she is prob like this because she doesn't see enough of me, but the guilt makes me feel worse and I get so angry with her. Then angry with myself

I get up at 6.30am but am always late for work because DD delays me - i know its because she loves me, but my job is such that I should be on time. As it is I have to wake her at 7.20 am so waking her earlier isn't an option.

Am thinking about asking GP to prescribe something to make me less hassled. Every other aspect of my life is story book perfect. I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to be caring/ calm mum to DD before/after work.

Dh and I are both in the situation of job hunting ATM and it looks like dh is going to have to work away from home Mon- Fri.

I have decided that there is NO WAY I can cope with working full time and dealing with ds on my own, and I will only work full time if ds gets a job where he can be home at a reasonable time in the evening.

Can't you arrange to start 1/2 an hour later each day? And try to make sure that you have done everything to get yourself ready before you wake dd in the morning, so that you can devote the time from her waking to leaving the house totally to her.

I have so been where you are, and it is not fun. It's definitely not just you.

After feeling like I was going to lose my mind, guilt over never having quality time with DS, exhastion etc., I hassled my work into letting me go down to 4 days a week. It made a huge difference. they were totally against it at first and it was only after I'd been back at work for over a year that they agreed. I basically just said "no way I can keep doing this", and faced with the choice of replacing me or agreeing, they agreed.

I would really try to do this if I were you - and in the meantime agree with others that you should get AP to get your DD ready in the AM and do the drop off. Do NOT feel guilty about this! You will be less stressed and so will she. Maybe that way you could go in to work a bit earlier and get home earlier, thus seeing a bit more of DD (I realise this is not feasible with many jobs, but even if they'd let you do it 1 or 2 days a week?).

good luck - and have faith, you CAN make it better. It doesn't have to be like this.

have you thought about reconsidering your child care arrangements? If one of the stress points is getting your daughter up and out of the house could you avoid this by having her looked after in your house? You have an au pair so I guess having someone live in is not impossible - could you get a live in nanny (rather than just au pair) and change from child minder to that?

One of the reasons why I always had a nanny and never considered child minder or nursery was precisely because I wanted my babies to sleep in their own beds until they wanted to wake up.

This does mean that you may not see her in the morning - would this stress you?

I agree with Mumtosomeone - work out which bits are the problem and deal with them individually - there's no perfect answer but you need to find a way of life that works for you and your family, and remember that it will be constantly changing as your daughter grows.

Good point MrsWobble - we had a nanny for quite a while, and I did find that the whole lack of a need to get DS somewhere, or have him dressed, or washed, or fed, was a big plus.
I think the continuity helps the child's security too, because they don't get so many transitions during the day.

If you don't want to change your job, then think about changing your childcare to live in nanny.

Oh Philly... To restrain or not to retrain? That is the question.

"BUT if your child has a shit quality of life then that is your responsibilty,you are the adult and she is the child,it may be difficult to change your life to ensure her well being but you have to do it because it goes with the territory of being a parent,your job has to come second"

Ya think so? It's all her job is it? Is that what your man told you?

What a load of f*king crap it is that it is the womans job to stay home and tend to the child's needs while hubby persues career that doesn't permit him to do the same.

And another thing... she had come here for support and constructive ideas. Where do you get off saying her child has a crap life?!?!

I think asking dp to consider his own working arrangements is valid, too.

Um, Lasvegas is the person who said she thought her daughter had a 'shit quality of life'. And I think it is a family problem, not just the mother's problem, but in this case it is the mother asking for advice and feeling horrible about it all, so I think she does need to change something - her job, her childcare, her husband (!) - as what is happening right now clearly isn't working for her

Having a nanny has saved my marriage. I wouldn't consider life without her. No way. No how. Get a cleaner too.

Ok, you're right Aloha. Lasvegas said it first. But, I still think Philly's post was too harsh. It isn't fair for the woman to be expected to give up her career so that the man can maintain his.

Raising the children is the responsibility of both parents... as is supporting them. And women have the very same right to a career that men have AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

Sorry LasVegas - another "been there got the T-shirt" poster here. I was exactly like you last year - having to deal with 2 dds, 1 older than yours but just as slow (30 minutes to eat her breakfast), and an ap who did not do half as much as yours. I had an hour commute into the West End and had to be punctual. I was so stressed out every morning used to be a screaming match with dds and ap.
The short term solution I used was to get a timer and time every aspect of getting dds ready for school/childminder (no hope of ap doing this for me). If they beat the timer, then on a chart they would each have a "Happy Face". Dh would then come home from work in the evening and ask dds if Mummy had a happy face this morning. If your dh doesn't get home in time to see DD, can you get him to speak to her on the phone.

I then accepted that the weekdays were a no-go in terms of quality time with my dds and made up for this at the weekend (and still do - they love our weekends together).

The long-term solution was to get an ap who wasn't so "hours-driven" and more of a "big sister" who is always around even when she's not meant to be. She is part of the family and thinks nothing of helping out at the weekend (for no extra money). I have also changed jobs and now have a 20 minute commute and do 9-5. This gives me a lot more time in the morning and an extra hour in the evening. Funnily enough, now my dds seem to be getting up a lot earlier and even dressed and ready to go out of the house, long before they're meant to be. I guess they sensed my stress previously.

what a horrible life to have.

I agree with others who have said get a live in nanny or change jobs.

possibilities?

My friend does mad hours and she went down to 4 days but on her 'day off' she was continually phoned so went back to do 5.

Not sure what the solution is. I think if you have a highpowered job, you can't cut down your hours to both you and your employers satisfaction (as you seem to agree).

You main problem seems to be more time with dd, maybe get her up earlier and bed later with nap as someone else suggested? My friend's son goes to bed at about 8ish, not sure if that would work.

Also, you say your dd says 'I will be good don't go to work' etc when you leave. So does mine and I only do 3 days! If you spent 8 days a week with her it wouldn't be enough, try not to let this make you think she has a crap life, I am quite sure she doesn't.

xx

all these slow children

how stressful for them

philly ! I understand what you mean! Something has to give!
What is the problem? You can treally get rid of the child!!!(joke) So something has to change!
A live in Nanny would help, or giving up the job!
Reducing the hours.
Parenting isnt easy and being a sahm isnt the easy option!

But Enid - they are NOT slow anymore - now I'm not stressed!!!

I do think if both partners work full time, something has to give, either relationship, house, child or whatever. I don't think you can have it all.

I cried doing 4 days, so I shudder at how hard it must be for you.

Thankfully I didn't have a career to give up (!) when I had children so didn't have to make these decisions.

What are your partners views?

No no no you've got me all wrong I certainly didn't mean that it was all her problem at all in fact as i said I am really sympathetic and when I say the "you" I did mean both adults I suppose I took that as read,my dh changed his job too,but it was me I suppose who felt more desparate anmd my income was less than his but we have both tried to improve our quality of life and the childrens.

I just feel that sometimes one's got to take a step back and in this busy pressured life that we live in it is easy to think that there is no alternative because we are all on a hamster wheel from which it can seem like there is no escape but there is and sometimes you (meaning both parents)have to change because parenthood is about making hard decisions but i am sure that lasvegas knows that.
Sorry as I said before I didn't want to sound harsh but I was that little girl and then i was the mother and I know that you don't get that time back in either case.

Agree Olive - my house gives - okay I don't have the cleanest house in town (a Nanny actually left because of it!) but I have the healthiest (yes really), happiest, most loving kids in town.

nice post philly

I'd give up work..but thats me!!
Not for everyone!!!
not saying thats what you should do!

I'd go part time

By the way where did i say that the women has to give up her job to enable the man to do his ,I would never say that as my dh has change his job to enable me to have a career.aslo about the bad quality of life i was only quoting lasvegas.

Sorry no one needs to answer lst post ,just feeling a bit shocked at the reaction,thanks Enid,our posts crossed.!

uwila how come you didnt get three months paid maternity leave?

I thought you had amazing high powered job