Finding it hard to cope working full time

[Lasvegas]

Not sure why I cannot manage my life and wondered if others who work full time also felt overwhelmed.

I work full time - 9 to 5. I have an hours commute involving walking, train, bus into London. I found commute stressful before I had DD so now even worse.

DD is 2.9 I drop her at 8am at childcare. 3 out of 5 evenings AP collects DD and I collect 2 evenings. AP cleans house and spends another 4 hours a week on chores, hanging out washing, unloading dishwasher, buying milk/bread.

Despite all this domestic help I find my life overwhelming. So stressful getting DD out of house in am, she faffs as she doesn't want me to go to work. In evening I only see her for 1 hour before bed and she has tantrums as she doesn't want to have a bath etc. I realise that she is prob like this because she doesn't see enough of me, but the guilt makes me feel worse and I get so angry with her. Then angry with myself

I get up at 6.30am but am always late for work because DD delays me - i know its because she loves me, but my job is such that I should be on time. As it is I have to wake her at 7.20 am so waking her earlier isn't an option.

Am thinking about asking GP to prescribe something to make me less hassled. Every other aspect of my life is story book perfect. I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to be caring/ calm mum to DD before/after work.

Having reread again I see the confusion I meant her job has to come second to the child's happiness not her partners!Cannot believe in 2005 anyone could think I meant otherwise.

You don't have to explain yourself Philly, I didn't think your post was mean. Agree on not getting this time back as well, once it's gone, it's gone.

Good post Issymum. But I would hate my life to be that complicated.

me too. If you didnt pay for all that help you might not need to work!!!
That was a joke btw!

mts - Don't really think it is a thread for jokes tbh.

Are you still about lv?

sorry just adding a bit of humour!!
Have offered constructive advice too!

very good post Issymum

hope lasvegas reads it.

I think Issymum enjoys her complicated life. What some people see as stressful, other people see as interesting and exciting.
It wouldn't be for me, but I'm really lazy.

Lots of people thrive under pressure. We all work better with a dead line!

My friend loves her complicated headless chicken existence, but it would send me loopy. Each to their own. She probably looks at me and shudders too!

Oops, i see I cross posted there Issymum (official top of the toppest of lawyers).
Your dds have a very cool role model IMO.

This is probably so totally irrelevant and has already been mentioned, but just would say that i never thought I could afford a nanny but now have a nannyshare and am so happy with it, if there is any financial issue about a nanny then do consider a share, particularly if the nanny can be based at your house!

I was in the same boat in many ways though no partner so all down to me... I reckon it gets easier the older they get. DD is five now and she has a much clearer understanding of why I have to work and that even though I don't spend much time together in the week we can do fun stuff at the weekends...
Though I do reckon that if you can cut out the morning hassle and get the ap to do it you will really notice the difference

I don't think issymum's life - or advice - sounds complicated, i think it sounds well sorted!

I do that 10pm e mail thing, too

SO many Brownie points!

I too have been there. Issymum's post is excellent. I would also add that you need to think long term, as well as working out strategies for making your life less stressful now. I took the 'downsizing' route when we had our second child, mainly because I thought ahead and realised that, if I found it all very hard then it would be pretty impossible once my son was at school with more complex childcare/ school holidays plus all the extras school brings with it like supervising homework, school events etc. DP and I have both changed jobs and negotiated part-time and flexible working. We would have very little quality of life with our children or each other if we hadn't done this.

You say your firm have been great since returning from maternity leave. Can you negotiate better hours or another role that would mean more flexibility? Can you change jobs? How much do they value and want to keep you?

Many thanks one and all.

My job isn't top flight as I never managed to qualify as a company Secretary as with just one exam to go my life fell apart. (see below). I love my role, love the people I work with, my company have been incrediably kind to me, I won't change to an unknown job where I could be made redundant or may have horrid boss. Better the devil you know.

I will not give up work because of what happened to me in the past. I was married for 7 yrs and DD born from long planned pregnancy. DD biological father left a week after birth when I was on unpaid mat leave, friends/ family helped me financially yet a massive struggle. Not seen x husband since. I will never put myself in the position of needing another person financially, hence my career is paramount. DD may not want me to work but she will be worse off if house is re-possessed.

Even if DP was biological dad he would not be able to help with childcare on regular basis. I wouldn't want him to change career as it would wreck our relationship. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and a big chunk of his income supports them (which is right and fair).

I want DD to go to nursery in 4 months time (when she is 3) so nanny not the answer.

Will discuss with DP but think answer is AP plus who gets DD ready in am then drops her at childcare in leisurly way. This means that I can have some nice time with DD in am and if she is sleepy she can lay in.

What a horrible man your ex sounds! What an awful situation. Glad you have come up with a solution though. There usually is one. I think that getting rid of hte morning shout-fest will improve things immeasurably for you. Good luck.

Philly, think I may have been a bit quick to jump down your throat. Sorry.

Enid, High powered job? In my dreams. Maybe one day.

Hope it all turns out well for you.

LasVegas - bloody hell! I can certainly see how high the stakes are for you, and the complications.

Lasvegas, good luck. You are clearly a strong woman. You have my admiration. Your xH is obviously stupid.

hugs

its a difficult situation and one I'm scared of facing myself when i go back to work.
I think that breaking it down into small parts is a good idea as someone said. Also i'd talk to your partner - i know he has other commitments but basically you need to both be working equal hours in a relationship.
For example if you work 40 hr weeks + 10 hrs communting + 30 hrs of childcare, and he works 50 hr weeks + 10 hrs communting and 10 hrs of childcare he is still doing less than you!
rethinking your hours is a good one too, I'm looking for a f/t job soon my baby will be 6 months old. I plan on a p/t nanny for him. We take it in turns to stay at home til 8.15am to do hand over to nanny and the other parents gets into work for 7.30am or 8am. Then whoever was in early leave early, so you take it in turns to work a 7.30am-3pm day (7hrs) or a 8.45-6pm day (8 1/2 hrs). As little un still has quiet mornigns and a nap until 2.30pm that way he gets aulity time with parents in the afternoons when we can go to park etc.
We can both fit a 37-40 hr working week in + occasional evening meeting for me or work at home for DH. It also means avoiding the worst of the traffic on days when DH has to drive to work (thankfully we both work in walk/bike distance)

Someone I know who was lucky neough to have built up to 5 weeks (25 days holiday) took two weeks every years as 20 half days. Her partner did the same for 16 half days. That meant that nearly every week one or other parent got friday afternoon at home with the kid. (once you factored in bank holiday weeks and actual holiday time)

Think outside the box - what hours do you have to be in the office? and what work needs doing?

I'd also look at additional help - to do the boring/routine bits. I think a nanny could be more help to you. Or a p/t cleaner two afternoons a week - send your ironing out, use homeshopping and get au pair to take in and put away delivery.
Good luck!