How do I deal with people's negative comments about ELCS?

[iamwhatiamwhatiam]

Hi,

I'm having an ELCS after a large degree of trauma from previous assisted birth and previous and (suspected) current big baby.

I know there are plenty of people who go on to have straightforward births after assisted deliveries.

I know there are plenty of people who deliver big babies without any problems.

However, I have read and read and read about the risks of C-Sections, and VBs and I have made my mind up that a c-s is right for me.

Generally I try not to get into conversations with people about me having an ELCS as frankly it's none of their business.

However, I've spoken to a few friends about it and thought they understood. My main concern is the level of trauma that my first baby and I sustained as a result of the birth, plus not wanting to exacerbate any previous damage.

I thought my friends understood that, until the other day one of them basically told me she "knew" that the thing I was worried about was the pain and that's why I want a c-s.

Why do people hold these entrenched views, 'too posh to push', 'too scared of the pain' even when they've been confided in otherwise?

Obviously I won't be discussing the birth with this friend again, but I saw her this week and still felt really cross with her, so I'm wondering what I should have said to her, really.

they have no right to comment on the delivery you choose to have

just state that the safety and well being of you and your baby is your own concern and thanks for their opinion.

very at your friend and that she felt the need to even comment - CS are NOT the easier option and I've given birth 3 different ways so feel qualified to comment

I was worried about this, I had an elCS because of placenta previa. I was lucky in that I didn't have any negative comments, but if anyone asked about due date etc I would give the date and time, and say "too posh to push" with a wink and a smile. That way I had the upper hand. Nobody needs to know the gory details of our pregnancies and births, so in my view just don't give them!

I have had four sections, one emcs with an epidural, one emcs with a GA and two planned.

I have a range of responses:

"I really want to keep my vagina nice for my DH"
"I want to ensure my baby comes out alive"
"the planned section is the safest method of delivery for my baby, given delivery is after 39 weeks"
"Oh no not this again..."
"If I was worried about pain why would I have major surgery?"

I was really proud of having my sections, it's the only way I have managed four live births!

Thank you Dizzy.

Strangely, this friend has actually had an EMCS buty she also had a very straightforward birth.

So now she thinks because she's done it everyone can. Basically.

She did tell me if I wanted a natural birth then she'd tell me all about how she made it happen for her.

I know that was meant nicely, but can't help but feel that she's forgotten that sometimes luck can play a part too!

Thanks Shaz and Posie.

Baby is actually breech at the mo but I'm only 27 weeks but I'm half tempted to just tell people the baby didn't turn and that's why I had a c-s.

But then, why should I lie? My choice is as valid as choosing a natural birth, which doesn't exactly come without risks, as I have found to my great expense.

TBH I would just tell them to "fuck off." It your body and, therefore, your choice and you should not have to justify yourself.

I'd be tempted to employ a two word expression, beginning and ending with the letter F.

I've never had a CS myself - 3 very different deliveries. And actually, if you were scared of the pain, that would be a perfectly valid reason for an ELCS IMVHO.

You've done your research and made your decision, and if people think they can judge you for that decision then they are twats.

Good luck with your birth and more importantly new baby

You're right crackfox.

I guess I'm just upset that there were only a couple of people I thought I could discuss it with rationally (when trying to come to a decision about mode of delivery) and now it turns out that even one of those wasn't capable of that.

there is no need to lie, there is also no need to explain yourself - you will make your decision based on best advice from the medical experts and your own personal experience

this is not a decision ANYONE takes lightly and I cannot believe that someone who has given birth twice thinks that they have the right to comment on another woman's decision

please don't upset yourself over it - use some of posie's responses, they're brill

Thanks mrsg, I can't wait to meet my new baby

Is it just the one person who is saying these things? I'm sure she would know about the pain post-CS, so it seems like an odd comment to make.

Absolutely correct in that your choice is valid and I wouldn't lie about the breech. If she goes on again, maybe say "Nah, done that. Wasn't great, don't fancy it again". And change the subject? Or maybe she's said her piece and that'll be it.

Yes, it was her.

I know, I would have thought that she if anyone would know that a c-s isn't exactly pain free.

I think, tbh, she was just looking down on me a bit.

She didn't say it in a nasty way, just a really patronising way.

"oh, I thought that's what you were scared of".

As in, you loser, can't hack the pain, I did it with just gas and air, that kind of vibe.

Ooh you need to ditch her for a few weeks. I can't stand those who want medals for their births.

I think you're right shaz.

Just need to keep a wide berth, other than that she's just great.

She's just very full of her triumph over a bad birth experience. I really don't think she understands that my way of triumphing over it doesn't involve natural birth.

Patronise right back and tell her how lucky she was that she had such an easy time. IME patronisers don't like that.
Bit childish but satisfying.

OK, didn't see your last post about her bad birth experience - scratch what I said!

I might try it anyway wukter!

That's such a frustrating attitude to come across - birth is NOT a competition! And if your friend had VB she was happy with after an EMCS, then good for her, genuinely - but everyone is different, everyone feels differently, and her experiences give her no right to judge you.

Your choice is valid - and it's your body, your baby, your life, not your friend's.

I'm afraid I've no idea what you should have said to her - I think she's damn lucky you're still speaking to her at all!

Thanks barkfox.

I was so happy for her when she got her vbac.

Hopefully she will be just as happy for me, when I have my section.

I have thought about saying something but I don't think she was deliberately being mean, just came acorss as a bit patronising.

I've made a vow to speak to no one but DH and my Mum (who has been massively supportive) about the birth. Won't even tell people I have an ELCS booked.

I have had two c sections and am prepping for my third - it is not an easy option especially when you have toddlers. I have a range of responses depending on my mood...

If its a choice between the safety of my baby and my chance to experience a natural birth, i choose my baby everytime. After all isn't that what being a parent is about?

If i am in a particularly stroppy mood i smile sweetly and say that whilst i appreciate how lovely it must be to have a new/handy place for your keys and lipstick, i am very happy without a big 'ol stretched out vagina...thanks...now get back to your kegels

Seriously, i dont know why women have to hate each other so much.

This makes me so . I have had similar comments, and actually my elcs is because of the previous pain and mental trauma- physically it was a smooth and fast birth, it's only me that's totally screwed up by it, so I always get made to feel as if I don't have a "real" reason for it Any reason is a good one, if that is what you have decided is right for you. No-one else had to walk in your shoes IMO.

Imagine yourself using some of the more expressive responses suggested here, it will cheer you up if nothing else

Ive just been told that I should have a cs at 40 weeks (in a wks time) and I know exactly how you feel. I told someone who I actually thought was really sensitive on saturday and they said something along the lines of 'at least you wont have to put in any effort' - now this is total crap as Im bricking it. I would rather not have a cs and, in fact when talking about the whole canula/catheter angle of it with dh today I actually fainted, because I am so squemish so its hardly some dossy option. Im now worried that everyone will have the same attitude afterwards when I am tired and emotional and I will want to resort to violence!

If it's any consolation I found I got treated far better on maternity ward after my caesarian than after my first, vaginal labour.

After the vaginal, when I was really feeling rough, lost lots of blood, big tear and episiotomy, botched up stitching job, noone seemed to make any allowances, I was told off for ringing for a midwife when I needed help to get out of bed, their take was that I could jolly well walk down the corridor.

After my caesarian I got treated like
some precious fragile plant because I had had Major Surgery. I did actually feel fine, but I forgot to tell anyone that, I reckoned they owed it to me

Yes, my response also would be a two-worder starting and ending with F. I hate people who act as if because they have had an easy time, that this is what it is like for everyone. I also hate people who do the 'too posh to push' thing. I've had that too..... might be a elcs due to a major spinal injury i had 20 years ago, but we are still duiscussing it. i have had the 'oh, don't you want to do it properly?' question. I mean, really.