How do I deal with people's negative comments about ELCS?

[iamwhatiamwhatiam]

Hi,

I'm having an ELCS after a large degree of trauma from previous assisted birth and previous and (suspected) current big baby.

I know there are plenty of people who go on to have straightforward births after assisted deliveries.

I know there are plenty of people who deliver big babies without any problems.

However, I have read and read and read about the risks of C-Sections, and VBs and I have made my mind up that a c-s is right for me.

Generally I try not to get into conversations with people about me having an ELCS as frankly it's none of their business.

However, I've spoken to a few friends about it and thought they understood. My main concern is the level of trauma that my first baby and I sustained as a result of the birth, plus not wanting to exacerbate any previous damage.

I thought my friends understood that, until the other day one of them basically told me she "knew" that the thing I was worried about was the pain and that's why I want a c-s.

Why do people hold these entrenched views, 'too posh to push', 'too scared of the pain' even when they've been confided in otherwise?

Obviously I won't be discussing the birth with this friend again, but I saw her this week and still felt really cross with her, so I'm wondering what I should have said to her, really.

iamwhatiamwhatiam- you stick to your guns! If we ever want more kids I will have to have an ELCS as well (Incredibly traumatic first delivery, huge baby, four failed canulas, failed epidural, 2nd one worked, failed ventouse, forceps and episiostomy and 2nd degree tear plus a baby who is brain damaged from the delivery and was in NICU for a week after- I ain't NEVER going through anything like that again especially as second babies are bigger!)

No-body else's business and well done for even contemplating pregnancy again! (my PFB DD is only 8weeks old- already DH is talking about a next one- me I am waiting 5 years at least!)

Personally i think mental healing takes a lot longer than physical healing- yes it may take you longer to physically heal from a CS but just think about having a birth you are in control of will be a heck of a lot less traumatic than another birth where you are not necessarily in control of your body in same way- I think that would massively help mentally. (biggest issue for me was everything spiralling out of control and I couldn't do anything and I couldn't get my baby out)

Good luck!

You're not having an ELCS, you are having a Cesearian Birth as this is the safest option for you and your baby.

I have to say that the few people (other than my friend) I've mentioned it too do seem to be (outwardly at least) quite supportive.

I think sometimes people think it's ok if you've suffered enough in a previous birth. Can't have a baby without the suffering apparently!

I'm guessing she has been told- after last apt she was told to go away and think about it as medically she doesn't need one.

iamwhatiam she just says well I've had operations before it'll be easy

Neither a 'natural' birth nor a cs are 'easy' at all- think she was so traumatised by the birth she is giving the cs thing a major rosy glow and not listened to any of the cons.

Don't know if I've put my foot in it or not- my main line was 'well you're braver than me there's no way I could cope with the idea of a cs'. Anyhow she's still talking to me!

Hate all this hero birth stuff if you want drugs have them if you want a cs have one- just think in my friend's case she's got herself so scared of natural birth that she has transformed having a cs away from being a really quite big op into a breeze.

meant I was like your friend in that I spoke to her about her choice to have cs and said about how my first birth was assisted and much more difficult than my second, that research shows forceps used much more infrequently in second labours and another mutual friend had similar traumatic first birth and much easier 2nd.

Was just saying people can't help giving an anecdote so your friend is not alone!

My friend didn't give an anecdote so I'm still lost there.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to appear rude but this is a thread asking for support to deal with people's insensitive comments, not for you to tell me all about why you think your friend shouldn't be having a c-section.

sorry have had brain fried by having my two plus another four kids here all day and that combined with pregnancy braiin has made me incoherent!

When you started your OP you said about 'you know people have easier times 2nd time around/easy deliveries to big babies etc' so thought that was what your friend has said to you? got it wrong in that case.

Will try to make myself understood one more time- I meant your friend probably thinks she is being nice by telling you stories for you to have cons for the cs thinking you really want to hear positive things about horrific first births vs easier second ones when in reality you just want her to shut up!

Trying to say I was the well meaning friend who has now shut up and doesn't mention it anymore so there is hope for you yet that the insensitive comments will stop.

And for whoever said it's none of my business- yes of course it isn't but then again most things people discuss with each other is effectively none of their business.Wouldn't have much to talk about if we stuck to our own business would we?

No, if you read the OP properly when you get a chance you'll see that my friend didn't say anything about forceps deliveries or big babies.

She said that she assumed I wanted an ELCS because I was frightened of the pain.

I mentioned that I know some people have straightforward 2nd births with big babies so that no one would come on here and pipe up saying that. But you did that anyway.

Never mind, your friend is obviously more tolerant of your lack of tact than I am!

Yep I read that bit too- that was definitely a silly thing of her to say.

I was actually trying to say the comments can stop if she has realised you don't want to hear. Everything I say is just making it worse which was totally not my intention so I'll wish you luck with the baby and get my coat

Last question though- why do they think you're having a big baby? have to have a growth scan at 28 wks and a test to see if I have gestational diabetes as had a 9lber last time who was 11 days early.
If they find out the baby is big what difference does it make to the pregnancy?

I'm not going to discuss the details of my pregnancy with you girls.

wasn't asking you to was actually asking for advice! which I thought you may supply since you have also been told your baby may be big but nevermind

iamwhatiamwhatiam That's the line to give. Every time. You go girl!

shaz

the pain/complications etc of any birth will pale into insignificance when you embark on potty training . Trust me. Come back to this thread in 3 years time......

Now excuse me, there are shitty breeks that need washing.

Not true. Potty training took three days. Healing from episiotomy took three awful weeks and feeling "normal" after that about another six months.

I don't remember crying for days and nights from the pain during those brief days of potty training, either.

I've had two ELCSs. Can't recall anyone being judgmental though can recall at least one person asking me how I went about getting them. I would just tell her to mind her own business, this is your choice. People have very different birth experiences and wishes. Good luck!

Grrr...that is annoying - and if she's a very good friend I'd probably tell her her comments upset you and why. I've had 2 c/s first was due to breech and DS having complications. Second I could choose - and I chose c/s again. I did what someone else said and pre-empted any comments by 'yup, too posh to push' to anyone I didn't know too well. (And no...that obviously wasn't the true reason!). Its annoying to feel you have to though - but I just couldn't be bothered getting into it. My midwife for antenatal appts was the worst actually - raised eyebrows and everything. I could've punched her! Annoying that its one of your good friends making the comments though - which is why I'd probably have to say something. I think she might be trying to be supportive (thinking she knows the real reason and being understanding about it) but failing spectacularly (you've weighed up the odds, you know the real reason, you'd have said in the first place if it was because of the pain (valid a reason as any IMHO) and you're happy with your choice!).

cote - sorry, just trying to be light-hearted. have given up PT after 4 days thus in a bad mood.

IMO its your decision to make. everyone has a different experience and if you want to make sure you don't have a repeat of the first birth then your friend should surely understand that.
you don't need to experience any pain if you don't want to with epidurals etc. so pain wouldn't be the reason for wanting an ELCS.

Bless her, girlsyearapart's posts are a good example of how people talk first and listen second (or not at all!) when it comes to this kind of thing.

There is no point trying to justify yourself to anyone, especially someone who is not paying attention to what you are saying.

Girlsyearapart - I do feel sorry for your friend in that you belittle her reasons for wanting a c-s as "only mental trauma" as if that couldn't be a totally debilitating thing in itself.l ALso, you keep saying you're scared stiff of c-s - can't you put yourself in your friend's shoes and understand that the way she feels about VB is the way you feel about c-s?

MOre empathy and less judging needed!

I've got a friend who's booked in for an ELCS in a few weeks time. She's had people looking down their noses at her as if somehow you're not a proper mum unless you're willing to risk another horrific labour like the one she had first time round. Fortunately said friend has skin like a rhino & is quite happy to tell people she doesn't want a baggy fanny & that's why she wants a section. Yes it's possible to have an easier labour second time round, I've got another friend who has just had a dd in less than 2 hours with no pain relief after an EMCS first time round but that doesn't mean everyone else should try a natural birth second time round. On the subject of competitive births someone I know takes great delight in telling anyone she knows who's pregnant that they've got her 28 min 'record' to beat. What's best for you is best for your baby & anyone who tries to question your decision is an idiot. End of

breastfeeding that was my whole point- I was trying to say I did do the speak first thing, a lot of people think that you want to hear anecdotes to try to give you reason not to choose elcs when you don't you just want them to shut up which I have done with my friend.

I do totally understand why she's doing it and by saying I would be equally terrified of a cs as she is of a vb was to illustrate different strokes different folks.

By 'only' mental trauma I meant not a physical reason put it in inverted commas to show it isn't 'only' it's a massive deal. Just goes to show how misunderstood you can be when you're typing not talking face to face.

Girlsyearapart. I know where you are coming from and feel that you have been misinterpreted a bit on this thread!

The only reason for my second section was mental trauma from the first birth. There was no physical reason for me to not have a go. A bit like your friend. I opted for an elcs as I was not prepared for the panic my baby was dying inside me. I literally could not sleep for the first month as everytime I shut my eyes I was reliving the horror of my first delivery.

People tried to reassure me that it would be okay second time around (both healthcare professionals and my friends) but my mind was made up. I am sure you were acting from the best intentions, as were they.

Thank you soo much redfraggle contrary to popular opinion as on this thread I am not a total cow and have been stressing out about this thread.

Your post sounds just like my friend- she will hear next week whether or not she can definitely have the cs and get a date but since she was told she could probably have one she has relaxed a lot more.

So did it all work out for you? any tips for her?

Thanks again- almost didn't click on this for fear of another night of fretting about having upset people (hormonal pregnant person disclaimer I'm not normally that sensitive!)

I've had three sections and I just tell people I'm too posh to push in my best south London accent.

It's what they want to hear anyway.

Sometimes I go into my long and boring story about DD1 in SCBU if I really want to punish them for asking.