How do I deal with people's negative comments about ELCS?

[iamwhatiamwhatiam]

Hi,

I'm having an ELCS after a large degree of trauma from previous assisted birth and previous and (suspected) current big baby.

I know there are plenty of people who go on to have straightforward births after assisted deliveries.

I know there are plenty of people who deliver big babies without any problems.

However, I have read and read and read about the risks of C-Sections, and VBs and I have made my mind up that a c-s is right for me.

Generally I try not to get into conversations with people about me having an ELCS as frankly it's none of their business.

However, I've spoken to a few friends about it and thought they understood. My main concern is the level of trauma that my first baby and I sustained as a result of the birth, plus not wanting to exacerbate any previous damage.

I thought my friends understood that, until the other day one of them basically told me she "knew" that the thing I was worried about was the pain and that's why I want a c-s.

Why do people hold these entrenched views, 'too posh to push', 'too scared of the pain' even when they've been confided in otherwise?

Obviously I won't be discussing the birth with this friend again, but I saw her this week and still felt really cross with her, so I'm wondering what I should have said to her, really.

God, who are these arseholes who even dare to comment? I would strike so-called friends off my list if they cannot even pretend to be supportive.

I would tell her to fuck off, frankly.

I was in your position and had DS by elCS 10 months ago. It was a lovely experience, and I was fine 3 days later.

Ignore morons and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy knowing that you will not have to suffer like you did with first birth

Iam you've made your informed choice and people should respect that - your friend needs to get over herself and respect your choice.

I'm in the same position to you and have stopped telling people that I'm booked in for an ELCS as they tend to give me a funny look and I then feel the need to explain why. However, telling them that I don't fancy being left doubly incontinent with a toddler and newborn tends to end the conversation sharpish .

People tend to forget that ELCS are only permitted for very good medical reasons, you don't get to have one just because you fancy it. Like all birth choices it is just the means to an end - having your baby arrive safely.

Good luck with the birth and with coming up with the best way to deal with your friend, as it would be a shame if it really starts to rankle.

I suppose I am seen as one of these women who have an easy time of it, my last labour ws 1h 35m start to finish at home with just G&A. However it didn't feel bloody easy at the time.

I would never say to someone that having a CS is the easy option, it is major surgery and I think sometimes that is forgotten about. Even if you were very scared of the pain then that is a valid reason for having one as well.

I just don't get the giving birth competition thing that someone have going on. For me the main thing is getting the baby out alive and Mum and baby being well, how that is achieved is irrelevant and only the start of the whole parenting process.

OP, sorry people are being unsupportive (in RL I mean, not on here). Try to ignore the negative comments. You've educated yourself, and are therefore making an informed decision about what is best for you and your baby. The fact that another woman in your situation might choose not to have a CS is totally irrelevant, and nobody, apart from the doctors involved, has any right to comment on your choice. Besides, as others have said, they don't hand out ELCS's willy nilly. If the doctors think you need one, and you think you need one, then really that's all that matters, and everyone else can get knotted.
I hope everything goes well for you.

My suggestions

"I don't have to justify my birth choices to anyone as lacking in empathy as you"

"I'd rather have a saggy tummy than a baggy fanny"

"Birth is not a competition"

"Why do you care what I do with my body? I certainly don't care what you do with yours!"

I think people loss sight of what's important about childbirth, that being that mother and baby are both alive and well at the end of it. I really dont understand it when people think that if they had some sort of assisted birth they (or you) have somehow failed and are all upset about it. Childbirth is not all hearts and flowers (not in my experience) its blood and guts. I think people who are disappointed because they didn't get to deliver in the birthing pool with their plinky plonky music on should just be grateful they both they and their baby are safe and well.

I do love talking to people about their labours though, what ever delivery they had/ are planning. You stick up for your choice and if people what to criticise you tell them to fuck off.

Missed off

"I have absolutely no desire to push a baby out of my body" coupled with an expression of "what a weirdo you are for wanting to". This was my preferred retort as an elcs for choice x 2 mummy.

Thanks all.

I guess it just goes to show that even if you actually discuss in detail with someone why you are having ELCS they can still fall back on lazy assumptions.

It's made me realise the best thing to do is discuss it with no one but DH. I think if anyone asks why I'm having one in future I shall just reply "because of my previous medical history" followed by a hard stare!

What a lot of nonsense. People are very silly about all this. If you want to have a C Section whilst drinking gin in the Bahamas then that's up to you. Don't even bother justifying it!

see, now fireandlife posted that, that's EXACTLY what I want to do!

I MISS GIN!

(sorry to hijack post. Agree re: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! responses. I'm going to practice "Birth is not a competition" - I love it!)

Hoorah!

I agree, midwives at hospital have been amazing after my c sections.

Darlingbabs dont get too stressed about it. Although the procedure is over fairly quickly, healing does take a while. You should accept help and keep on top of pain with prescribed painkillers. I remember one of the midwives saying that it takes a good 20-30mins for pain relief to kick in, so best stay on top.

Dont believe anything anyone says about not bonding with your child/easy option etc- its all rubbish. I cant imagine loving my children any less than i do and i have scars to prove my childbirth experience!

Now all i need is a car sticker hmmm maybe 'love me, love my c section?' ;)

sod them!

had emergancy cs last time which was not really that traumatic and am desperatly hoping that this one does not turn from her back to back or decides to come out early so i can have another sec

alot of of people think i'm mad actually wanting another sec. mum had 3 terribly traumatic vbs and she thinks i'm loopy, but hey, they're not the ones going through the birth are they?

don't let anyone make you think its a case of being too posh... and don't let a bloke in a mask and gown take the credit for the birth.

vb or cs you still give birth and don't forget children have been getting bigger for generations but the hole they come out of hasnt! (someone is bound to tell me some med. sci. to contradict that, but i stand by it!)

If its bothering you still I'd talk to her about next time you see her, if you see her again. Find out what she actually meant as she may not have realised what she'd said and if she says something similar you can use some of the the quick replies and refrain from seeing her again!

I think its funny how everyone has an opinion on other peoples birth options and if they aren't what they'd choose that makes it ok for them to deem you as bad, selffish etc. I am someone who annoyingly will fight for everyone even if its for something I personally wouldn't choose to do as a first choice an example (but not a good one as too tired to think of a better example) is my friend never wanted to breast feed and her midwife was not happy that she wouldn't even consider it. I with my friends permission and as requested by my friend, put the midwife in her place letting her firmly know that the information had been recieved but it didn't make her want to try and she would expect assistance to bottle feed after the birth. People make decisions based on information that is private and that should be respected and not judged especially when it isn't really going to affect the someone who is critising.

Good Luck and enjoy your ELCS.
I hope it is serene and enjoyable for you

simple, dont tell them. none of their business. how bloody dare they

I had a crash section with DD and suffered PTSD afterwards. Needed counselling to get over it and then more counselling to be mentally prepared to get pregnant a second time.
One of the conditions I gve myself for a second baby was that it would be an elective section.

I was told that there was a good chance I would have a normal birth second time around but I wasn't prepared to try it. I felt sick with worry whenever I thought of being labour and having complications.

So, I chose to have an elcs. It was my choice and I stand by it as the right thing for me.

I did a get a few negative remarks but I just pointed out that DD and I were both lucky to be alive after her birth experience and that I didn't feel up to going through anything like that again.

It's really none of their business.
Competitve childbirth - like we need to make each other feel worse...

Someone will always see fit to comment on your birth choices if they happen to fall outside the ordinary.

At least nobody's made comments implying you're putting your baby's life at risk by selfishly opting for a homebirth - as I got with dc2. I'd also had massive baby issues, plus damage from a previous forceps birth. My own mother said 'why don't you just have a c-section'? Jeez.

I stopped discussing it with people eventually. I suggest you do the same!

kind of feel like I am 'the friend' in this situation though from a different perspective.

My friend is due her second in a few months and was left to go nearly 3 wks overdue with her first, no sweeps, awful birth, forceps, induction horrible time.

This time she wants elcs- no medical reason in a physical sense more the mental trauma.

I was trying to point out to her that a cs is a major operation and really not the easy option she seems to think it will be but to no avail.She has a v demanding toddler and I don't think she has properly thought through the implications of a cs.

I am obviously totally aware of her reasons for doing it but I don't feel I'd be a very good friend if I said nothing iyswim.

Also bearing in mind I'd absolutely freak with the nerves if I was told I needed a cs.

when people got arsey with me, i would say, "I'm too posh too push, what of it?" (coupled with menacing look)

not the answer they e3xpected, soon shut them up

girlsyearsapart - it's none of your business what your friend wants for her birth.

"I was trying to point out to her that a cs is a major operation and really not the easy option she seems to think it will be but to no avail.She has a v demanding toddler and I don't think she has properly thought through the implications of a cs."

Unless she is 12 yrs old she will know it is a major operation and will have thought about the pros and cons.

Girlsyearapart - do you realise that the consultant will have given her a much more thorough understanding of the risks and recovery than you have when discussing her ELCS?

Sounds like you may have put your foot in it there.

I don't really understand how you are like my friend in this situation though - unless you are saying that my friend made a thoughtless comment because she secretly thinks she knows better than I do what the right thing for me is?

The only person who ever comments about my ELCS is my MIL. Everytime we have a new birth in our family or friends circle she will ask if it was a 'natural' birth before she even asks the sex and weight of the child!

She sees my SIL as a hero for having a natural birth and me as doing it the easy way - which is far from the truth in my case!

I hate it when people get all high and mighty about other peoples birth choice, fgs live and let live.