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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Dissagrement with partner re pain relief

84 replies

spacecat · 01/09/2009 12:07

My partner thinks I should go without pain relief in labour so that I can experience what something feels like to be 'hard won'. I had an epidural for the last birth (after 9 hours of going without anything). I am stressed about the pain of childbirth enough without having to feel bad if I do go down route of having pain relief. Any suggestions as to what to say to him/approach this?

OP posts:

crokky · 01/09/2009 12:35

Each person is different, each birth is different. Tell him you will be having whatever pain relief is necessary at the time. Can he see into the future or something? Does he know what will be necessary?

His logic is moronic anyway. If people love their babies according to how much pain they had at birth, how does a father ever love his child if he felt no pain during the birth?

I have 2 DCs and at the first birth, DH kept taking the gas and air sucky thing off me because he said I was having too much (I was not having much at all). He thought I was gassing the baby by having it . Then I had an epidural so I didn't need the gas anymore, but I was really angry because I was suffering an induced labour and he was pulling the pain relief away from me!

Anyway, I got my own back during the birth of my 2nd. I was in a terrible state with no pain relief, totally out of my mind (had been induced so it was superpainful) and I bit him VERY hard. Actually it was involuntary as I was so out of it, but I do chuckle about it now.

Firawla · 01/09/2009 12:39

its not his decision
if he is really pushy about this issue perhaps a different birth partner will be more helpful for you, some people use other than their dh/dp if they feel it'll be better

mummy2t · 01/09/2009 12:41

i'd slap him!!! its totally upto you with whta you feel ok with. prsonally 2nd time round i felt ok to go natural but only cause i didnt have much time to realy think about it. you have to go with what you feel is best. i totally agree with tigerfeet!!!!

motherbeyond · 01/09/2009 12:50

oh.....my....god...

i really don't think i have ever heard anything so irritating..ever! what a control freak.it's all very well him sitting on his little hospital stool agony free,throwing his insane opinions about.
have a good experiment for him.
you will need a beach ball and a bicycle pump...insert beach ball into his mouth arse (he seems to be confused,and doesn't realise arses aren't for talking)inflate,and then attempt to pull out with tweezers.

see if he is still of the same opinion when experiment is over.

good luck

SouthMum · 01/09/2009 12:51

My suggestion would be to thank him for his helpful input, but you'll decide what happens to your own body.

Or you could just tell him to twat off.

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 01/09/2009 13:27

This is a joke right?

mrsvee · 01/09/2009 13:44

Well done spacecat, you've really got everyone going with this thread!

PinkTulips · 01/09/2009 13:47

christ, i did have drug free births and i still want to slice his testicles open with a rusty knife for that comment.

fucking dickhead!

thirtysomething · 01/09/2009 13:54

Don't get this.

How can he tell you what you should or shouldn't do to manage the pain? It's not his body.

Next time he has a tooth filled/removed/root canal done why not suggest he go without anasethetic to "feel the pain" and connect with this teeth or whatever.

If you give in on this one it's a slippery slope.....

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 13:54

if dh said something like this to me, I genuinely think I would have to evaluate our relationship. It speaks of wanting a degree of control that is not normal and of wanting to inflict paid.

I could not have a sensible conversation with dh about such a thing. I think I would have to ask him if a child should be "hard won" how he intended to achieve this for himself? Was he proposing to give up sleep for the first 6 months so he could look after the child each night and learn to cherish every moment of his child's life - not just the good ones? Was he proposing to sacrifice all of his free time to nuture his child? Was he willing to look after the child alone for the first few weeks of life whilst its mother recovered from the trauma of its birth? No? Then the selfish, sadistic git could get lost!!

DownyEmerald · 01/09/2009 13:56

Tell him the 9 months of pregnancy was the "hard won" bit.

crumpet · 01/09/2009 13:57

Your partner is indeed very funny.

Not his decision by any stretch of the imagination. Are you sure you want him as your birthing partner?

crumpet · 01/09/2009 13:59

I'm tempted to say that the act of conception with him may have been the hard won bit, but I won't.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/09/2009 14:00

Is he amking an unfortunate joke perhaps? Or is he serious? My DH made a very, very unfortunate joke during my labour. As he said it he was thinking "what did I just say?" He will always regret it, not least because I never stop going on about it...

But if your DH is serious...

NinthWave · 01/09/2009 14:01

Stab him in the perineum with a stanley knife, then offer to sew it up for him without any pain relief.

TheCrackFox · 01/09/2009 14:03

Shove a hat stand up his arse.

Why does this prick think he gets a say?

beanieb · 01/09/2009 14:06

I would suggest that next time he goes to get his dinner you get your friends to kick him repeatedly in the balls on his way there so he can see what something feels like when it's hard won.

hocuspontas · 01/09/2009 14:26

How weird that someone would actually want their partner to suffer more than necessary. He was quite happy to sit and watch your last labour before you had pain relief was he? It's up to you. When men start having babies THEN they can make nutty comments like 'hard won'. Jeez - he'd probably be shouting for an epidural for a period pain.

Mums don't love their children any less after an epidural/pethedine etc.

Kyte · 01/09/2009 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dinkystinky · 01/09/2009 14:34

He sounds rather strange! I had an epidural with DS1, nothing with DS2 - but it was entirely my choice and if Id wanted drugs DH would have 100% backed me up - that was his job to!

I'd politely explain to him that it is your body the baby has to come out of, and you want to do it in as calm and positive a way as possible - and if that means you need drugs/an epidural, that is what you will have; and if it means you need him to stay home with DC1 while you take a supportive friend/doula/family member with you to the birth, then that is what you'll have to. Hopefully that will get him on board.

Failing that, follow some of the other posters suggestions on this thread

Good luck.

FlamingoBingo · 01/09/2009 14:37

OP, are you there?

FlamingoBingo · 01/09/2009 14:39

Blimey, I think you and your DP need to talk about your lives together. You clearly are not on the same wavelength at all.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2009 14:40

Is your partner of the generally well-meaning, lovable type who just happens to believe and parrot everything he reads? (YOu can always find articles, often written by men, about how women shouldn't have pain releif in labour because hey, they;re only women and it doesn't matter what they feel).
I mean, if he's a gullibel twunt then maybe you could forgive him and tease him and just not take any notice of silly suggestions he makes.
Because if he isn;t a gullible twat who has read that article by the (male) midwife who reckoned pain relief in labour wasn't necessary because it was bad for babies or something.... then it is a worrying thing for a partner to say. Why does he want you to suffer?

Catz · 01/09/2009 14:41

As everyone has said, he is behaving like a tosser. Any woman who gives birth has 'hard won' that baby whether the birth is 'natural', assisted, c/s whatever. Even in the easiest pregnancy you've carried the baby for 9 months, had huge changes to your body, put up with sickness and aches and pains not to mention the common risk of things like SPD, tears etc. You're also running the small but serious risks of awful things like incontinence and heck even death. Deciding to alleviate parts of that does (e.g. through epidural) doesn't make this child not 'hard won' (FWIW I had gas and air last time but if this one - am also pg - ends up as an epidural or c/s I wouldn't consider it any less 'hard won').

If I were you I would seriously look at having another birth partner (assuming he is to be your birth partner) if he maintains this attitude. This is not to 'punish' him or exclude him (he could wait outside and come in straight after the birth) but you need to be able to focus on yourself and the baby during labour and feel totally supported and trusting of those around you. If he might try to argue with you in labour or speak 'on your behalf' to midwives etc to discourage pain relief then you won't be able to relax and feel comfortable. I'd also seriously question where this desire for control and suffering comes from as it might point to more serious problems in the relationship.

Just one thought, is he from a very different culture? Does he feel that he's 'hard won' things in the past? One of my good friends is from a very poor 3rd world country but lives here and is married to a Brit. When he first arrived he did occasionally say that we were all a bit cosseted and thought we could control life too much (he'd experienced/seen awful things) and was probably less sympathetic when his wife was first pg than most. They the poor girl had terrible pgs and births and he was very relieved to live somewhere where there was fantastic pain relief and medical help (and never thought that she'd failed by taking everything thrown at her).

Flower3545 · 01/09/2009 14:42

I'm thinking this is a wind up

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