Did you/ will you tell people when baby is coming?

[zzmonstera]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my first, and likely to be booked for a c-section in a couple of weeks.

My mum has been quite pushy about finding out about my birth plan (which I've been uncertain about for various reasons, so pressure from her hasn't really helped). I know she will want to know exactly when it is happening.

I sort of feel I would rather just get it all done and not tell anyone apart from DH until the baby is here - but I know she will be massively upset by this.

She doesn't live anywhere close anyway, so she wouldn't be able to come and support. She just wants to know everything but I just feel like it's a hassle updating people and adds pressure.

I've also had a couple of other flippant comments from people saying 'let us know when you go into labour' etc - err no I don't really want to thanks!!

I'm interested in how other people navigated things like this - Did you share with family/ friends that you were either going into labour or the date you booked your C section for? If people kept asking you, how did you respond?

I love my mum and want to navigate this with empathy but at the same time, I need to do it in the way that feels right for me.

We told my in laws, as they were looking after DC1. Others were told after baby has arrived. Probably after a couple of days, as I had to stay in hospital for a couple of days, so it was DH's job to make the calls

Nope. One of the joys of a first baby is not having to tell anyone.

I found it incredibly stressful people knowing the dates I was due and they basically harassed me en masse around that time. Well-meaning but just made everything far worse, and created a lot of pressure.

So next time I will be very, very vague.

No. Well. I suggested to everyone baby was due “around the beginning of the month” (after their actual due date!)

kept the pressure off and stopped the grandparents worrying.

No.
With dc1, first anybody new was when dh phoned with the news that baby had been born.

With dcs 2 and 3, obviously the person looking after dc1, then dcs 1&2 had to know.

As a Grandmother to be, I don't want to know either, until the baby is safely here.

Thanks all - did any of you have an elective c-section?

Part of the problem is my mum knows I'm likely to have a c-section so if that gets booked she will think I'm unreasonable to not tell her the date.

I told everyone my c section date. Unless you have someone in your life that’s likely to be pounding down the doors of the maternity unit or bombarding you with messages then I don’t see why you wouldn’t. Maybe I’m lucky though!

No. You've got enough on your plate without having to text other people or respond to texts back again.

Have the baby, then get DH to ring your DM and say, 'It's a boy'. Or whatever. She doesn't need to know it's 'on the way'. If she starts to make a fuss then you interrupt immediately saying, 'If you ruin the birth of my first baby and make it all about you and your wishes I will NEVER forgive you'.

And mean it.

Make a date up. Say it’s 3 days after when it actually is.

Obviously lying isn’t great, but if she’s going to sulk at not being told your medical information, and you don’t feel like you’ll be able to say “I’m not telling you”, then I would just lie.

Or you could be vague. How much is she aware of how it works, eg if you said “they’ve given me a window of a few days because they don’t know how busy they’ll be on any given day and whether they can fit me in” would she believe that?

First time around, my waters broke and nothing happened. So ended up being induced a couple of days later. I told my parents I was going in to get the induction started, then nothing until baby was here.
Second time was a planned home birth but earlier than expected, so I rang my mum because we’d always planned for her to come and keep DC1 entertained.
Third time was a bit of a mad scramble 😂 Midwives barely made it, so I hadn’t thought to let anyone else know baby was imminent 😂 My exH rang my mum and let her know baby was here about an hour later.

With my first, my mum was aware that I was admitted for monitoring due to pre-eclampsia and that I was going to be induced. I didnt give any other details but DH called her once baby was born and I was ok (dramatic birth).
I specifically asked for the in laws not to be told because they hadnt shown an interest in the pregnancy and I knew they would be telling all their friends immediately that they were grandparents and I didnt want the world knowing before we told people ourselves.
DH was fine with this so once baby was born and everything was calm, we told them.

This time around I am temped by a planned section to minimise some of the drama. I dont think I want the family knowing because the pregnancy hasnt been straight forward and I just want some breathing space from it all.
People will be told, but only once baby is assessed and is ok.

I had an induction and the only people I told were my husband (obviously) and my best friend who had an induction before. I also told my parents in law as they were minding my older dc so had no choice really. I didn’t want people contacting me asking for updates when I was going through it.

I had a pre-term section and knew the planned week of birth at 20 weeks. I let everyone keep thinking that the due date was the due date. I was in the hospital a week before the birth and didn’t tell anyone I was related to. I knew the baby would have a hard time and my family would be rushing in to make it all about them and generally be unhelpful. Tell your mum a section date a week later and then afterwards tell her it was brought forward suddenly and you didn’t have time to tell her.

I got induced so everyone knew I was going in the hospital on a certain date and they sent me well wishes. My OH kept his family informed and up to date and I did the same with my family and friends.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea to tell your mum because surely she just wants to know when her new grandchild will be born?

Some of the responses on here seem really foreign to me so I apologise if it’s not the norm, but for me and my friends and family we’d share this information in general conversation, I knew when all my close friends were going in to have their babies and I knew when my BIL & SIL went in to have their babies, it’s not a top secret mission.

I wouldn’t tell ‘people’ but I would tell the grandparents and your siblings and be clear that it’s a secret until YOU announce the birth.

I told my mum when I went into labour. I was a bit underhand actually because I'd told dh that I didn't want to tell my in-laws. They overstep boundaries and I knew they'd be blowing up my husband's phone until they heard news (or worse, arrive at the hospital!). He didn't think it was fair to tell my mum so I said I wouldn't. But I did! My mum lives a long way away and so I wanted to give her a heads up to start making plans to visit asap and also I knew she'd respect my request just to wait until I had more news and not to ring or message until then (which she did). I'm close to my mum and I wanted her soon after having a baby. I know not everyone feels that way though, so I think just tell who you want to.

Unless there is more to it and you have a complex relationship with your mum, she is probably worried about you as much as interested in the baby. You are her child and she knows you'll either be having major surgery or still going through something challenging (but wonderful) if you dont require any interventions and probably wants to know. Of course you dont have to, but unless youre worried about her busting down the hospital doors/inviting herself to yours afterwards without you asking then not sure why you wouldn't.

I did the same after learning the hard way on DC1. Any requests for the exact due date were met with "oh you know how inaccurate those are. The doctors think it'll be around the middle of the month".

I wish I didn't tell anyone when I was getting induced on DC1. Made it all so stressful. & Then my family kicked off that DH's were told of the birth first. (I fell asleep before calling them, after a difficult labour.)

Would highly recommend managing boundaries now tbh, so you don't have to do it postpartum. Something simple like "We can't wait to celebrate DC's arrival with you! Our birth plan & dates are going to be in the air until the last minute, due to our consultant wanting to see how things progress first. We're going to wait until DC has arrived to announce, as there's so much uncertainty around their arrival into the world. We trust our doctors to guide us to the right decision, and are so excited to surprise you!'

I did. I was excited.

We messaged in-laws, my parents and my sister with my first when we were leaving for hospital. Bless them they turned up and it was a 27 hour labour so they were sent away.

Second time I went into labour at a family wedding so all my in-laws knew! It was very quick so think we told my family after.

With my third I had a planned induction so again told Inlaws and siblings before.

Everyone else we messaged that day or the next day.

But it’s totally individual you should do whatever is right for you.

First baby, didn’t tell anyone I was in labour, second baby, had to tell the neighbours why we were chucking ds1 at them, third baby, I was at a coffee morning until I was breathing through contractions, then I left one child with a friend and arranged for another to pick up son1 from school. It was a home birth with midwives coming in and out all afternoon so I imagine by the time we’d finished, all the neighbours knew, the school community all knew and all the coffee morning crew!

HOWEVER, they all knew enough to respect our privacy, they weren’t knocking on the door asking “how are things going?” If they were texting my husband I had no idea about it

I don't feel able to say I'm not telling her - but I like that idea of saying we have a window of a few days. Thank you.

It's not that it's a 'top secret mission'. It's just that people waiting with baited breath for baby photos/ announcements/ updates will make me feel more pressure.

I'm already quite anxious (first child), and my way of dealing with that is leaning on DH. I'm not really close to my mum in that way, for various reasons.

I would rather people just congratulate us once baby is here and everything is OK, than friends/ family messaging/ ringing us for live updates whilst I'm in hospital to ask how it's going.

I would rather people just congratulate us once baby is here and everything is OK, than friends/ family messaging/ ringing us for live updates whilst I'm in hospital to ask how it's going.

Exactly how I felt.

Equally, it has been the same for those of the current generation of new parents in our family. Obviously, we are aware of 'baby due towards end of the month' type vagueness, but the lovely thing is to hear 'baby safely arrived / boy or girl / weight / name' and of course 'Mum doing well'.
Not sure what is to be gained by a whole bunch of relatives worrying overnight / over days whilst knowing someone is in labour. (Speaking generally, I realise OP is booked in).

I have to say that I found it incredibly irritating to have my MIL message me every day asking where the baby was and expressing frustration that DS wasn’t here yet. I went into labour on my due date so it’s not as though he went loads over, but my DD was a few weeks early. At one point she even told me she was struggling to sleep at night! My god it took a lot of will power to just not respond at all to that 😂

But, if you’re having a section, I can’t really see the problem with letting her know when it’s going to happen. It’ll probably stop her from bothering you all the time to find out if you’re in labour yet. Give your partner the job of sending her a photo when the baby is born if you don’t want the hassle.