Stillbirth- grief and guilt

[Jade09]

Hi all,

My daughter was born sleeping on 31/12/24 at 38 weeks 5 days. I spent the day and night with her and the morning of yesterday… walking her down to the mortuary at around 1pm yesterday. Leaving the hospital arms empty is the worst feeling in the world but waking up today I feel unquestionably shitter.

i chose to say goodbye when I did as she was beginning to change colour, her lips were almost black, the skin on her face was very very dark and her skin started to peel. Anyone who has lost a baby will know that they also bleed from their nose and ears which is very distressing. My 13 year old daughter had requested (against what I thought was right) that she would be present during the time I spent with Lottie and this made my decision even more important. I don’t want to traumatise my daughter.

I’m now sat here considering running back to the hospital and spending every last second with her and I feel so incredibly guilty that she is alone.

Is this normal? I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know what is right or wrong or how I’m ever going to have any sort of normal life after this.

anyone that has experience this please

Sorry for your loss , I also lost a perfect angel at 36w Jenson in 2015

there is no right or wrong way to grieve I stayed with him for 2 days then we cremated him and I have his ashes in a teddy bear close to me

Losing a little one is something you will never get over, the grieving will continue everyday you just learn to cope better every day you will think of the what if

I would advise you get your self and daughter some grief counselling , it hit my teenage very hard and she went of the rails

I think your reaction is totally normal, it isn't just humans that find it hard to let go, all different species do. My heart goes out to you and your family.

So very very sorry. I understand your pain ❤️

You gave her life and you carried her safely for all of that time, you did everything you could for her. She was warm and safe inside and every need she had was met.

This is so beautiful.

@Jade09, my heart is breaking for you. I hope @BumpyaDaisyevna's lovely words can bring you some comfort.

I hope dear little lottie brings you some much needed peace today, OP.

X

I hope this will bring you some comfort, too:
Foetal microchimerism

Lottie's DNA will forever be a part of you.

I'm so, so sorry OP. Thank you for sharing Lottie with us, she sounds absolutely gorgeous. I hope your time with her today is as peaceful and special as possible, and I will be thinking of you

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your gorgeous girl. Please take care of yourself xx

@Jade09 So very sorry for your loss. You have no need to feel guilty about anything - but that feeling is all part of the grieving process and it is entirely normal.

Lottie is a beautiful name and she will always be a part of you, in your heart and memories. I'm glad you have got a time to revisit the mortuary today. Take all the time you need. Such a trauma for you all. Sending hugs xx

My best advice would be to get yourself and your family some grief counselling. There are a few charities around I had counselling with a group called Petals https://www.petalscharity.org We also found a lot of support through SANDS. Its a hideous journey but you'll find your way

Go back to the hospital if possible have another proper, private, goodbye if your able to.

Your not wrong for leaving but you were thinking about your children not yourself & now's the time to really focus on you ❤️

Lottie sounds lovely OP. God bless her.

Hope you get so much comfort from seeing her again this afternoon.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Lottie. The pain is unbearable. I am pleased that you were able to go back to be with her today. You just need to navigate this in whichever way feels 'right' for you in a situation which could not be more wrong, I wish there was something which could make it less painful.

When we left our son at the hospital when he was stillborn at full term, I did not see him again but when he was being looked after by the funeral directors I used to go and sit with his coffin for hours. They were so kind and like others have said, the majority of the funeral costs were covered.

As others have mentioned, when you're ready there's a lot of support out there - lots of different things because we all need different types of support. I hope you have a bereavement midwife to support you in these early weeks and months. Charities like Sands have so much support both online (they have a phone line too) and there will hopefully be an in person group near you if that's something you want. There's a big baby loss community on Instagram if you want to read stories of those who know the pain and are learning to live with the grief. My biggest saviour was counselling. There are charities who provide it. Teddy's Wish were amazing, I know Petals are meant to be great too although haven't experienced their support.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Lottie 💖 You are so brave and just know that she loves you very much and enjoyed every second of her time with you. You will have the most precious angel looking down on you all 😇

I am so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking.
j just wanted to say I hated the thought of my little girl being alone after she died so I left a teddy with her - the hospital kept it with her and it went in her casket. I don’t know if this is something that would help you.

sending lots of love

I am so sorry your daughter Lottie didn't make it. Please do whatever you have to do, this is about you not others so you must listen to your needs. Please accept all the help that is offered to you. Lottie will always be your Daughter, she won't be forgotten

I’m so sorry OP, there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. You are so strong and

I had a MMC over Christmas and as went down for surgery all I kept saying was please make sure you look after them, they were warm in my belly but now they will be cold and lonely. So while it’s not the same at all, I understand your feelings.

I did read about someone who went for a burial and a headstone so family could visit when years down the line no one did. They wished they had done a cremation so their baby could stay with them forever. Just case any family are pushing for a headstone and you are unsure.

Sending you so much love 🥰

I have no advice to give as I'm one of the child free here on MN, but I just wanted to say I am so, so sorry for your loss, OP. Your description of little Lottie was so beautiful, I am shedding a tear or two for you as a type this. Wishing you lots of love and best wishes. ❤️

I am so sorry to read this post 😞 I don't think there's is any right or wrong answer just what you feel is best in your heart. You're Lottie sounds absolutely beautiful, a real life angel 💜 sending every ounce of love to you and your family xx

Thinking of Lottie today x

She sounds wonderful and totally perfect I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you all lots of healing and to hold onto the calm she brought in the coming weeks

Thank you for telling us about Lottie. She sounds gorgeous. Do keep telling people about her, won’t you? I’m so sorry that your time with her was so short, but your memories of her will be there forever, and now loads of MN people will remember her as well.

Thinking of you and Lottie. She sounds absolutely gorgeous.

Thankyou all so much, this is a thread that I will be revisiting when I have more mental energy. Everything feels like the greatest effort at the moment. I just feel like I go to sleep at night and every morning I have to wake up to this nightmare that is my new reality. I went to see her again today, I feel the only time I am at peace is in her presence and I am dreading after the funeral when they will no longer be possible. I’m 33 now, myself and her dad are separated so she was my last baby. I know that another child could never ever replace my beautiful girl (and I’m not sure I could handle the worry and stress of another pregnancy) but the thought of never having the opportunity to do this again is heartbreaking.

I experience such a range of emotions throughout the day most of them come down to pure despair and anger. It truly is the most devastating thing they could ever happen to a human being.. I suppose if anything those of us who have experienced it are living proof that you don’t die when your heart breaks.

Thankyou to each of you that have taken time to share your own stories- I am so sorry you ever had to experience this.. and to those who have offered kind words. It really does help.