Stillbirth- grief and guilt

[Jade09]

Hi all,

My daughter was born sleeping on 31/12/24 at 38 weeks 5 days. I spent the day and night with her and the morning of yesterday… walking her down to the mortuary at around 1pm yesterday. Leaving the hospital arms empty is the worst feeling in the world but waking up today I feel unquestionably shitter.

i chose to say goodbye when I did as she was beginning to change colour, her lips were almost black, the skin on her face was very very dark and her skin started to peel. Anyone who has lost a baby will know that they also bleed from their nose and ears which is very distressing. My 13 year old daughter had requested (against what I thought was right) that she would be present during the time I spent with Lottie and this made my decision even more important. I don’t want to traumatise my daughter.

I’m now sat here considering running back to the hospital and spending every last second with her and I feel so incredibly guilty that she is alone.

Is this normal? I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know what is right or wrong or how I’m ever going to have any sort of normal life after this.

anyone that has experience this please

I'm glad that your visit gave you a bit of peace and that you've had more time with little lottie. Life can be so so unfair and I'm so sorry this has happened to you all. Do you have some people in real life to talk to?

I have no experience of what you are going through, but I can feel your heartbreak through your posts. You sound like you are the most amazing and adoring mother of your beautiful precious daughter. So very very sorry for your loss

So sorry @Jade09 and to everyone else that has shared their experiences.

Rest in peace Lottie.

It really did. I thought that after I left her at the
hospital I had made all the memories I was able to and that I would make peace with that being my final goodbye. But I suppose like any other woman who has just given birth, my body is crying out for my baby. I’m just glad that one day I will have all of these memories of her to cherish and I’ll be able to move forward (never ‘on’), knowing that I made the most of the little time I had with her.
I have lots of RL support, too much sometimes it feels overwhelming. People don’t know how to act in these times.. which I don’t expect as I know it’s not natural for anyone.. and I just find myself becoming frustrated or angered by even the smallest misphrasing of things. People rally around, try to cheer you up, get you to eat, want to be proactive and ‘do’ things for you. I don’t even want to breathe at the moment and so I don’t even have the energy to deal with people.

She's not alone, her spirit will be safe with you always 💗

I hope your ok @Jade09 and I’m glad you’ve made some memories to cherish with your perfect girl.
We also just found out we have lost our little boy and I go in to be induced tomorrow. I am absolutely dreading it, but have found some of the comments on your thread comforting and helpful so thankyou x

I am so incredibly sorry to hear this and I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment; I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and my heart breaks a little more every time I hear of someone else. I have just started this journey, I’m new to it too as I only gave birth on the 31st December. But I’ve obviously been through the first stage so if you need to speak at any time during/before your induction please message me. Let me just reassure you that every fear you have about seeing your baby for the first time/not wanting to hold him or look at him will fade. My birth was still one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and the love I felt as soon as she was delivered was incredible. Throughout this whole process so far, those moments of peace she has brought to me have been like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life before. You will get through it, I’m sending you all the strength in the world xx

Thankyou very much.
I’ll be honest I’m petrified of what’s going to happen and have no idea how I’ll get through it but I know I will. I’m very lucky my husband has been my absolute rock the last few days and know he will continue to be so.
Im just hoping and praying the induction process is quick and Labour doesn’t drag out more than it needs to.
I hope your journey continues to be as pain free and peaceful as it can be. Sending all my love and strength for the tough days ahead

Ill just share a little of my induction with you (though I know every birth is completely different)
I was a VBAC so had to be induced more slowly/gently. I was given a course of tablets over 2 days to stop my pregnancy hormones and to soften my cervix. On the third day I was to start the internal induction where a pill was placed next to my cervix to start contractions, they had to be cut in half and spaced 6 hours apart (halved due to my previous C Section)- I was given the first lot at 10am, by 3.30 I was in labour and by 4.17pm I had delivered my perfect girl. I had no birth trauma and I’m not sure if it was made easier due to her being stillborn.. but it couldn’t have ran any smoother. Please don’t be frightened, you are still a mummy at the end of it and you still get the most amazing reward… cherish every moment of it. I would do it all again in a heartbeat even now knowing the outcome x

I am so sorry for your loss @Jade09. I lost my son at almost 20wks in October. It's been the hardest time of my life - my brain switches between feeling overwhelming sadness and then being more focused on the traumatic aspects of everything that happened.

I spent a lot of the first few weeks after it happened in bed as I was exhausted from the turmoil in my brain that never ended and sleep was my only respite. I feared never being 'normal' again. But almost 3 months on I am getting stronger overall, although I still have very hard moments. My GP and bereavement midwife have been an amazing support and I have started counselling with Petals.

My only advice is to keep reminding yourself that there is no need to make any rushed decisions. We weren't initially sure if we wanted a memorial service. In the end we had one over a month later. The hospital chaplain organised it for us, we chose music and poems, and they printed lovely orders of service for us. That's something I now treasure. I have my baby's ashes at home and haven't yet decided what I will do with them but for now I'm finding it comforting that he is at home with us.

My heart goes out to all those on this thread who have experienced loss - it's an awful club that no one would ever choose to be a member of. x

Sending you and perfect little Lottie my love tonight 💐

God bless you, your family and dear precious Lottie.

What a fabulous older daughter you have too, supporting you and loving her angel baby sister even though she is so young herself to be dealing with that. That shows what a fabulous mother you are.

Thankyou for sharing your story and Thankyou for your kind words. It helps to know there is some light at the end of this long and awfully lonely tunnel.
this has been one of the things haunting me the most, as she was full term I legally have to hold a funeral. No parent should ever have to plan the funeral of their child and it is absolutely tormenting every single day that I am being asked to make decisions that I really do not want to make.
I hope you continue to make progress and that soon you will be able to share with me that it does get better. I can’t imagine us ever being ‘ok’ again, but I will settle for better x

Buy matching soft toys so she can have one with her that matches yours.

I am so very sorry for your loss 💐

My heart goes out to you and your beautiful daughters.

I'm so very glad Lottie brought you peace in her own little way.

Sending you strength xx

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss (and to the other mums on here living alongside grief).

Lottie sounds like a beautiful baby girl and I'm really glad you were able to return to see her. Sending strength.

I completely feel the same about the constant decisions - it's overwhelming. And you're being asked to make them when your mind is in turmoil and you can't think straight, so you have no idea if you are making the 'right' decision.

As our loss was before 24wks we didn't have to have a service. In the end we did - I'll describe a bit of our experience in case it's helpful to you or anyone else as I had no idea what to expect.

I decided early on that I wanted the baby cremated individually (rather than a combined cremation) so that I could have his ashes. A few weeks later we were told the time of the cremation and were asked if we wanted to attend. My gut feeling was no because the whole thought of attending felt like torture. But after a few days both me and my partner decided we did want to be there. But we still didn't realise this meant there would be an actual service. We were then asked to select music etc and it was completely overwhelming and broke my heart all over again.

It was only the two of us, the hospital chaplain, and an undertaker there. The service was lovely but incredibly painful for us. But I am glad we had it and as I mentioned in my pp , the order of service is now very special to me.

There were more decisions to be made at the service that I hadn't anticipated - did we want to carry the box (it was a box rather than a coffin), where did we want the box placed in the room, did we want to stand beside it or sit down, did we want the curtain closed at the end. These might seem like simple questions but I had no idea how to even answer when asked if I wanted to sit or stand. x

A quote our chaplain gave us, and which we included in our service:

"Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold, never hungry, never alone and importantly always knew love."

The resilience and love of all the mum's who've shared stories about their babies who were born sleeping is just awe inspiring. OP, even in your time of grief your support towards others is a testament to the wonderful mother you are to Lottie. Thinking of you and all the other mums who have been on this painful journey xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I haven't experienced a stillbirth but I can understand why you would want to spend as much time with her as possible. It must have been so hard to say goodbye.

Please contact Sands and get some counselling, and be very very gentle with yourself.

This is really beautiful Thankyou for sharing this. I needed to see this this morning. I wake up every morning in tears and know that I have to do it all over again. My milk came in yesterday despite having tablets to suppress it and it just feels like an even bigger reminder that I don’t have my baby girl.

I’ve thrown myself into planning her funeral, I am having a simple service (I’ve had family members offering to pay for a horse and cart and all the rest of it) but it just feels so distasteful to put on a show for everyone else when the reason we are there, is because my baby died.

There are so many people that have been touched by my daughters passing.. I’ve had neighbours and complete knock on my door, obviously I’ve had someone else answer it, but they have been in tears and I know that it’s genuine empathy and sadness rather than morbid curiosity.

I had a beautiful experience yesterday, on the way to the mortuary I had a female taxi driver… through this whole process I have promised myself I will never hide my grief or my Lottie for fear of making others uncomfortable.. so when she asked why I was going I told her I was on my way to see my newborn baby who had passed at birth. She spent the remainder of the journey silently crying and wiping tears from her face.

My Lottie has touched the heart of so many people and so I would like to offer those people to attend, I have explained though that I would like limited contact with people on the day. I can’t afford to absord anyone else’s emotions at the moment and I can’t abide hollow conversation.

There are thousands of guides out there to instruct new parents, there are none to tell people with empty arms what to do. We are doing this blind and everyday there is a new challenge with no instructions.

i can feel the process of grief and I am trying my best to be aware of it.. currently I am feeling guilty. The reason I was born was to give life to others and this body of mine failed my child. This feels like the longest road I have ever walked and I’ve only just set off.

@Jade09 I am so sorry for your loss and the pain of losing your Lottie. Your love for her comes so strongly through your words. She would have felt that every second she was inside you. I hope you have some peaceful moments in the days to come.

And my thoughts are with the other mothers on this thread who have suffered such huge losses.