Stillbirth- grief and guilt

[Jade09]

Hi all,

My daughter was born sleeping on 31/12/24 at 38 weeks 5 days. I spent the day and night with her and the morning of yesterday… walking her down to the mortuary at around 1pm yesterday. Leaving the hospital arms empty is the worst feeling in the world but waking up today I feel unquestionably shitter.

i chose to say goodbye when I did as she was beginning to change colour, her lips were almost black, the skin on her face was very very dark and her skin started to peel. Anyone who has lost a baby will know that they also bleed from their nose and ears which is very distressing. My 13 year old daughter had requested (against what I thought was right) that she would be present during the time I spent with Lottie and this made my decision even more important. I don’t want to traumatise my daughter.

I’m now sat here considering running back to the hospital and spending every last second with her and I feel so incredibly guilty that she is alone.

Is this normal? I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know what is right or wrong or how I’m ever going to have any sort of normal life after this.

anyone that has experience this please

Have you been connected with either SANDS or Tommy's? They're both charities focusing on stillbirth and can offer advice as well as support for you and your family. You are not alone

I'm so so sorry. I don't have any experience of this but I couldn't read and run. I don't think there is any "right" or "wrong" course of action here, you just have to do what feels best for you and your family. I can't imagine the emotions you are going through right now. You have no reason to feel guilty, you are doing your best in an unbearable situation.

Sending so much love and strength xx

Hi OP, I am so incredibly sorry yours and your families loss.
My sister gave birth to her Son in August, which resulted in a stillbirth, and she felt the same. She left but went back due to the overwhelming guilt and sat with him whenever she could, until the very end at the funeral home when they closed his casket.
my heart goes out to you. I highly recommend SANDS, they helped my sister, her husband and my niece (8).

So sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong here as it is all so absolutely wrong that your precious wee one has died and you don’t have her with you alive and healthy. Nothing you have done is wrong or bad though. Perhaps if you feel you need to return for you then it would be okay to not take your 13 year old. But you have done everything you can for your baby and you have nothing to feel guilty for. She knew nothing but love in her tiny life and that was all you. She will always be with you- she’s in your cells now and you carry her in body and heart.
Definitely some local support from SANDs or a specialty midwife should be available and accessible.

Tell us about her. What’s her name? What does she look like? You’ll always be her Mum, even when your arms are empty.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced what you're going through but with grief there is no right or wrong. Do what you feel is best.

Tell us about your little daughter if you feel up to it.

OP I am very sorry for your loss.

I lost my first baby at 40 weeks a few years ago and other than maybe the moment I had found out she'd died, I think the absolute worst bit was leaving the hospital without her. Does the hospital have cold cots or have they spoken to you about how you could spend more time with her? I spent a few days in hospital with my baby, she was kept wherever they keep the bodies, and I'd ask for her for a bit in an evening to spend time with her.

I made the decision to say goodbye when I left the hospital, even though they said I could see her any time and the funeral home said the same, because I knew I'd have to say goodbye at some point. we never have enough time. I don't remember whether I had an urge to see her. I mean k wanted to hold her and still do but I don't recall actually thinking about calling the hospital.

My view was I would never be ready to fully say goodbye so I had to pick a time and then accept that was the last time I would see her.

If you'd like to tell us about your baby please do. If you'd like to message me then please do. I found sands a big comfort so I would recommend seeking out your local group. I can help you with this if you like.

oh @Jade09 I am so very sorry for your loss. I just came on here to send love. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. If you feel the need to go back then I think you should do that, if you don’t, then know your little daughter has experienced so much love already.. perhaps your older daughter could visit a friend if you reassure her you will be ok - and then you can visit without her this time?
please also take as much professional help as you can - and ask for help whenever you need it from friends and family who I’m sure will all want to support in anyway they can. Sending much love xx

My daughter's funeral was a month after she was born so other than those 3 days that we spent with her, we didn't see her. She had a post mortem in that time too. I share this only in case it helps you to hear someone else's experience.

I'm so sorry 😞

I am so so sorry op, please just do what feels right for you.
I hope you have good support at home, take each day at a time.
💞💞💞💞💞

Firstly can I say that I am so very sorry for your massive loss. My heart breaks for you.

Secondly what you are feeling is normal. My first born son died within an hour of birth and we spent time holding him and cuddling him afterwards. The worst feeling in the world was when they took him away again. Being away from your child when you just want to spend every second with them is awful. The emotions were horrendous. I kept thinking of him being cold and alone (which I know seems crazy) Leaving the hospital and going home without him was brutal. I cried all the way home and every inch of my being wanted to be with my baby boy. The separation from him felt so final and it broke my heart into a million pieces. Just to warn you, I also felt this way after we buried him. That night it started to rain and I had this crazy strange urge to jump in my car and go and get him. The thought of him being cold, alone in the rain was hideous. I cried so hard. You may not get this feeling but for me it was this weird irrational feelings of not wanting to let him go.

So I understand your feelings right now and they are real, and raw and normal. I can also promise you it does get better and those feelings will lessen but for now the separation will feel brutal.

I also remember feeling like I was unsure how I was supposed to carry on with my life now without him. How was I going to keep going? Would I ever be able to smile or laugh ever again? But I promise you those feelings will return and the sun will shine again one day. You WILL come out of the other side, even if it doesn't feel like this right now.

Cry, scream, shout and feel what you need to feel. Don't suppress it and talk to your partner/family/friends about how you feel. SANDS were an absolute lifesaver for me during this time in my life and I would not have got through it without their support and attending their meetings where I met other mothers going through the same loss.

OP it broke my heart just reading this so I can’t imagine the pain you are going through.

As others have said there is no ‘right’ way of dealing with this, it’s not supposed to happen, so we aren’t well equipped to deal with it when it does.

Please don’t feel guilty, you were all she ever knew and she will have known she was loved.

Have no experiences with SANDS but from everything I have ever read, they provide amazing support.

I will be thinking of you and your daughter today. 💕

Years ago a random old lady asked me why I was crying (I’d lost my first baby) I found her words cold and cruel for a long time after but i understand them now . She said ‘I’m not going to tell you time heals or you’re young and it’ll be ok. It won’t be ok. You’ll always feel like this it’s just right now it’s all the time one day it will still be every day just not all day every day. You’re left with grief forever it’s the bitter residue of love’

I know now what she means. You need to do whatever feels right and if you need to go back to the hospital then go back and take the time you need but please don’t feel there’s a wrong or right way to do anything at this time as there simply isn’t . I’m so sorry you are going through this

I'm so, so sorry. I lost my little boy in September at 19 weeks due to unexplained premature labour. He was live until the very last moments before he was born.

We spent two days with him and then had to come home. We knew having to say goodbye over and over would be agony, so we thought it would be our last time with him. However. The pain of having to walk away from him, of thinking of him alone, and of never seeing or holding him again was too much. It was my birthday 16 days after he was born, and the only thing I wanted in the world was to hold him, so we went back. We also went back one more time because his grandparents wanted to meet him.

Every time, it was the same agony, I won't lie. But I'm his mum, and I needed to do whatever I could to feel I was doing my best my him. We talk about him daily. We make him present in our home. It's not the same, he should be in my belly and about to make his entrance in February, but he's not. Day by day, you just learn to live with it.

Do whatever you need to do, darling. As others have said, there is absolutely no right or wrong decision. Whatever helps your heart even the tiniest bit is the best one.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to respond. Those two days I spent with her were beautiful but I was never alone with her due to family/friends etc all being around and staying with us. I’ve phoned the mortuary and I have a time slot at 3pm to go and visit. I’ll look through these responses properly once I’ve been ❤

Just seeing people asking about her and it’s so nice to be able to talk about all of the things I love because there are so many. Her name is Lottie 5lb 7oz… dark haired like her dad with little specks of light brown on the tips of her hair. So much hair. Her face is heart shaped with the most perfect little nose I have ever seen in my life. I never got the chance to see her eyes but I know that they are blue. I have never seen so long on such a tiny human being and I’ve no idea where they came from because me and her dad are both below 5’5’.

She was and is absolutely perfect.

The thing I loved the most was the calm she brought. Every relative and friend that visited noted that they had never felt calm and peace like they did in her presence; it was honestly the most magical surreal feeling I have ever experienced.

i have never seen such long feet** that was supposed to say!

I’m so sorry Lottie didn’t make it. I can’t imagine how hard it was to leave the hospital without her. Women are such strong, resilient beings to go through these experiences and still have the capacity to love and nurture and heal. I hope that this visit to Lottie brings you the peace and privacy you need with her.

Take time with your darling Lottie today. I hope it brings you calm and peace. 💗

I’m so sorry OP. I haven’t any advice to offer but I just wanted to wish you well xxx

Sorry for your loss op.. My dgc was stillborn recently.. The Co-op provided a funeral free of charge. We sent our own flowers and paid for service cards but the rest was free. Unexpected costs can only be adding to the grief of losing a dc..

They were very very supportive.. I hope they can be for your family also.

Such a kind gesture. 💗

I'm so very sorry.

My son died in hospital at 16 days old. It was early morning and we didn't get there in time. I saw him and held him briefly and I felt conflicted and guilty for years. That I wasn't there when he died, that I didn't spend as much time with him, and there was also part of me that wished I hadn't seen him at all as that isn't how I want to remember him.

He'd be 26 now.

It's so very raw, you will go through all kinds of emotions. Know that they are normal. Let them in. Look after yourself, seek all the support you can, and know that it honestly does become easier to bear in time.

@Jade09

Just wanted to say I had read this thread and am thinking of you and your little Lottie. So sorry that this has happened to you, it is a tragedy when a child dies and the most painful thing to expect a baby and then the baby does not come home with you.

You gave her life and you carried her safely for all of that time, you did everything you could for her. She was warm and safe inside and every need she had was met. Even though you will say goodbye to her, you will never forget her, she will be with you always in your mind and heart and you with her.

Thinking of Lottie and all stillborn babies - including my little brother Arthur (born and died in 1978).