Can you put into words how you felt when you first held your baby?

[phlossie]

I'm reading We Need to Talk About Kevin, and am at the bit where she gives birth. Her point is that her expectations of that first encounter with her baby far exceeded the reality. It got me thinking about what I expected to feel and what I did feel when I first met my babies - firstborn in particular.
I don't think I had really thought past the actually birth process, so I remember being surprised by what thoughts popped into my head at the end of the birth. As he slithered out after that last push I remember thinking how nice and warm it felt. I also remember feeling that I should be dying to meet my baby and saying 'where's my baby?' in a breathless, dramatic way that've got me a BAFTA (or at least a part in Holby City). When I held him, I remember thinking that he was bigger and less creased than I expected - my ds was particularly pink and perky all wide eyed and looking about. (I think dd (second baby) was more what I expected - she was greyish-mauve, completely battered and screamed for 15 mins! And because I knew what to expect, I was much more relaxed about her.)
I was very very happy with ds, but more overwhelmed by the whole birth process - and amazed by myself and what I had just done. After the initial cuddle, I couldn't hold him for a while because I had complicated tearing, so I watched my husband with him and talked incessantly - a kind of post-match analysis! I did enjoy the first feed - it gave me something to do - my first shot at being a mother IYKWIM.
When I was wheeled off to the ward, the baby was bundled up and put in my arms, and I remember being quite surprised, as in 'oh, yes, my baby - I get to keep him!'
It was once I was up on the ward and alone with him, I didn't sleep a wink and spent the night gazing at him and quietly weeping because he was so beautiful - and he was mine.

What were (are if it's still to come) your expectations of that first meeting? What was the reality.

Ds1 - I thought wow, dh and I produced this beautiful little person! (really, friends took the piss for weeks that for how we look we reproduce well was also a ESection so was bloody tired.

Ds2 - planned section.. and I cried and cried with joy when I saw the smaller version of ds1.. they looked basically identical though as I say, ds2 smaller and thinner! Felt relief as surgery had gone well (had a cough at the time and feared if I coughed too much a mistake might be made and how nice it was to hear him CRY.. d1 was very quiet on arrival to world as knackered!

I honestly just thought "thanks f*ck that's over" with all three of mine, and had DH hold them for a little while whilst I got my breath back and recovered a bit. No rush of love or exclamations of amazement, just total relief that I wasn't in labour anymore.

Justhaving and Dragonbutter - I was the same with dd (2nd baby) - I felt the rush of love immediately, and my ds hadn't been whisked away. DD's breathing was irregular so I had skin on skin for the first fifteen minutes of her life, maybe that was why. I had some major repair work after initial skin on skin with ds, so didn't hold him for a while (not the same as SCBU, I know). Or maybe because she was a girl and I had a very strong feeling that's what she was (had the strong feeling that ds was going to be a girl too ), or because I knew what to expect her being my second...? Who knows why the experiences are so different.

relieved he was healthy, nothing else

then exhausted so i fell asleep for hours

sad eh

I remember them holding her up and giving her to DH (as I had asked them to in my birth plan) and then he handed her to me after a minute or so and I thought she looked a bit confused, and a bit pissed off - she still does that exact same look from time to time!

After I got stitched and stuff we went to the ward and I think it was then I realised she was mine and that wave of love came over me.

I thought OMG I'm going to drop her for some reason I did not expect her to be quite to slippy altho I had just given birth to her. And then awwww she looks like a skinned chicken how cute and she has eleven fingers (she didn't she ahd the normal number) how adorable..... Mind you this was after a 17 hour labour and and episiotomy and a rather eventful night. I was pretty lightheaded and away with the fairies for a bit, but the overwhelming feeling was OMG mybabymybabymybaby.

"oh, that must be him" whilst trying to focus on a beautiful olive skinned baby in the cot next to me(I had an emergency c-section under GA so woke up to find my baby asleep next to me). I thought he was really cute but not like he was really mine until we came home.

'yeah, you were born to Duran Duran!!'

Relief, physical relief as she slithered out - I describe it to friends who haven't given birth as like getting to the loo when you're really desperate but 10 times better. Also relief to hear her cry and thinking I will always know that cry. I had pethidine and was a bit out of it. I didnt feel a rush of love, but i didnt expect to, I did feel a sense of belonging, difficult to describe, but just felt she was mine and I had to care for her. I was so pleased to not be pregnant anymore, kept telling everyone, the first meal I had the next day was wonderful. I didn't sleep a wink that night, it seemed like forever until dh came in the morning. I remember being worried all night that I would need to go to the loo and I didn't want to leave her and I was worried it would hurt. She cried every time I put her in the cot and I couldn't work out how to swaddle her, I thought it was a silly thing to press a buzzer for, she kept latching on then falling asleep then waking up when I put her down so I just held her all night and I was terrified I would fall asleep and squash her. I thought she was quite other worldy

Hmmm...
Ds was born in theatre with kjellands forceps and as they brought him over to me from the delivery end, he poo'd on me. I held him briefly feeling very dazed. I don't ever recall the rush of love coming, but I do - obviously! when in recovery, I half watched the (2nd) midwife bathing and dressing him and my parents arrived...I cried as I watched my dad holding him. I never thought I'd have a baby so I never thought I'd see it.
Once at home 4 days later, I just sat and looked at him and thought...' what the f*ing hell do I do now'

Dd was different. She was born into a pool delivered by daddy and given to me for skin to skin. We had a while just looking at her. When I was delivering the afterbirth and being checked over, I just sat and watched Dp holding her and when I saw that faint smile on his face, I felt like it would be ok(he is a reluctant older dad) Still didn't get the love thing, though she's fabulous! and I sooo do!

After a very fast and intense labour with no pain relief until the very very end I felt relieved it was all over. As they checked him over next to me I remember thinking so that's my baby, doesn't he look like his dad. I felt very calm and amazed to see his little face, he looked strangely familiar. I felt calm and happy and so relieved it was over.

DD1 - Amazed that she was real and mine and breathing all by herself .
DD2 - Induced and I was relieved above all else that it was all over and she was finally here .

exhausted
content - just happy we were all there
wanted a shower
waanted dh to get camera
wanted my parents to come so i could show him off

ok maybe the last 3 were after half an hour or so

The first thoughts was reliefe bcos he was safe....then exhaustion and fight cos I wanted to hold him. Emotional.

This is all for DD2 who is only 2 weeks old, can't really remember DD1.

In those first few seconds I felt intense relief that the awful feeling of having to push had ended.

Being surprised she didn't look anything like DD1 (think I was expecting a replica baby with DD2.)

Glad that we had all made it to that point safely and that she looked healthy.

I had to be stiched for a while after that so DP held her then for ages and I went back into the happy world of gas and air. Had far more than I needed to because I think it's fab and thought I probably wouldn't get a chance to use it again for a while

I wish I could. I was so out of it, I can't remember the first time I held or fed her.

I just remember being really shocked in an "Oh my God it's a baby" kind of way. Not really sure what I was expecting but had been so focussed on the birth that the result seemed unreal. I feel quite embarrased about that!
I had a few seconds of flapping and not quite being able to touch this incredible new person until the MW said it was ok and I held her still trembling with awe (and exaustion)

Placed in my arms in the orpanage office after such a long journey in many senses of the word and just not believing that the day had come. She was beautiful, just so beautiful and I remember thinking there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her. This was mixed with so much anxiety about all that could go wrong before making the journey home, she was sick, underweight and so much paperwork still to rubberstamp.................she's now a teenager and it seems like yesterday! Still can't believe that fate brought the 4 of us (DH and another DD from same place) together.

Awww! beemail, that's lovely...

it felt as though I had waited my whole life for that moment.
I was exhausted and sore and whacked out on pethidine but it was just: ''you're here now, and nothing else will ever matter as much as you''

Just relief that it was over. I then had to be induced to get the placenta out so missed the first few hours with ds because I was in agony again and then surgery

My feelings started with relief that it was over as it was a very difficult birth and we were both ok. Concern when they thought his breathing wasn't quite right as they were weighing him. Pride that I stuck to my birth plan and had done it with no painrelief - even though I realised in retrospect that pain relief would have been a very good thing. Amazement that he was so big - nearly 9lbs.

He was put into my arms for the first time just as they started stitching me up and after a few minutes I had to ask for my dh to take him as I was worried that the pain of the stitching was making me grip him too tightly - I remember feeling guilty that I had had to ask for him to be taken from me.

Then back on the ward I kept him in bed with me most of the night and I just gazed at him in wonderment - that I had produced this brand new person. At one point I realised that as he was wrapped in a blanket, I hadn't seen his arms and legs and feeling like I ought to ask permission from someone before daring to unwrap him to take a look.

I felt love for him straight away - not really a gushing feeling but more of a slow realisation that steadily grew and is still growing now - nearly 14 years later.