Can you put into words how you felt when you first held your baby?

[phlossie]

I'm reading We Need to Talk About Kevin, and am at the bit where she gives birth. Her point is that her expectations of that first encounter with her baby far exceeded the reality. It got me thinking about what I expected to feel and what I did feel when I first met my babies - firstborn in particular.
I don't think I had really thought past the actually birth process, so I remember being surprised by what thoughts popped into my head at the end of the birth. As he slithered out after that last push I remember thinking how nice and warm it felt. I also remember feeling that I should be dying to meet my baby and saying 'where's my baby?' in a breathless, dramatic way that've got me a BAFTA (or at least a part in Holby City). When I held him, I remember thinking that he was bigger and less creased than I expected - my ds was particularly pink and perky all wide eyed and looking about. (I think dd (second baby) was more what I expected - she was greyish-mauve, completely battered and screamed for 15 mins! And because I knew what to expect, I was much more relaxed about her.)
I was very very happy with ds, but more overwhelmed by the whole birth process - and amazed by myself and what I had just done. After the initial cuddle, I couldn't hold him for a while because I had complicated tearing, so I watched my husband with him and talked incessantly - a kind of post-match analysis! I did enjoy the first feed - it gave me something to do - my first shot at being a mother IYKWIM.
When I was wheeled off to the ward, the baby was bundled up and put in my arms, and I remember being quite surprised, as in 'oh, yes, my baby - I get to keep him!'
It was once I was up on the ward and alone with him, I didn't sleep a wink and spent the night gazing at him and quietly weeping because he was so beautiful - and he was mine.

What were (are if it's still to come) your expectations of that first meeting? What was the reality.

I thought I would be crying uncontrollably and feeling ecstatic. In the event I felt relieved that everything had gone well, and pretty calm and relaxed, and aware that it was a lovely moment but in a slightly distant sort of way. DS also felt instantly familiar to me and it all just sort of felt right. It turned out to be dp sobbing instead!

I remember getting really close to her so I could feel her breath, almost as if I needed to make sure she was real and not a doll.

Farking knackered.

I think I said something like, "Can you just hold her while I get my breath back".

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The main feeling was of relief that the pain was gone. Then utter joy and feelings of resignation that it was over. Too amazing to put into words actually. Happiness overall.

First reaction was "thank f* that pain has gone" with DD1 it was all so fast and I was told I wasn't in labour and was making too much noise so I actually didn't think I was until I was pushing. I think I went into shock, I had to have a load of repair work done and DP held her and I remember just watching him hold her and that memory will stay forever. It wasn't until after it was all done we were on the ward DP had gone home for a bit that I truly started to think she was mine and she was here. I remember a MW going past and saying "you have been staring at that baby for an hour" I just kept looking at her.

DD2 I just wanted everyone to go once she was out and for me and me only to hold her. I remember again being so happy the pain was over and we were both OK.

Now am due DD3 in July I KNOW my first thought will be "thank f* I will NEVER EVER go through that again"

a bit teary and all over the place when she was out (frantically asking the nice doctor if she was crying then crying when she was finally brought to me) - then announced to the operating theatre that I was going to have a wee sleep which I promptly did (they were probably glad that I had finally shut up!)

I remember being so focused on him coming out, the excrutiating burning sensation as he crowned sort of faded and I could feel his nose and chin as he slid out, then that fantastic warm slither as his body quickly followed.

Meconium in my waters meant he had to be suctioned and received a quick check over before being put onto my tummy.

God, I adored him, he was quiet and just sort of squinting at me with those beautiful dark blue baby eyes - I recall being startled at the fact that he was the spitting image of my youngest sister.

Back on the ward I gazed at him, held him, fed him. The wrinkles on his knuckles spelt out his name.

Oh I'd love another.

Hmmmmmm.

Well my first feeling / thoughts we of relief. She was out, I'd done it.

Then shock. She was a girl, wasn't expecting that.
...... or actually it was a more a feeling of absolute certainty and total shock that she had Down's syndrome but at the same time jumping on that feeling and running with it and putting it away in a box so I could just pretend it wasn't true and enjoy the fact I had a baby, a baby girl.

I was also a bit surprised i didn't gush more and do that overwhelming falling in love thing. I thougth I'd be all bathed in a soft glow, lay in bed with my baby with a smile on my face and fall in love, hard and fast and that would be it. Sort of like in the movies!!!!

I remember holding her and breastfeeding and feeling wow, I'm a mum, I have a baby, she's a girl, but also looking into her dark dark pools that were her eyes and knowing, just knowing that it wasn't all ok, and I was absolutely terrified but numb and pretending that it was actually all ok but just waiting for my life to change forever in a way I could never have anticipated.

A mad, mad mixture of emotions to be going through at 3.57am.

my dd took my breath away, her eyelashes, her lovely alabaster skin. it was and is the most wonderful thing i will ever achieve in my life. i was instantly utterly spellbound by her and quite overcome, a very difficult thing to put into words actually!

I might have said sthg like "take him away, I'm going to faint", followed by fainiting, not just putting it on.

Surprised at how warm he was and awed that I'd made "this" (/him).

I took one look and it was like we'd known each other for a long time! I just wanted to look at his perfect little ears.
Relief that he was ok; we'd come through this traumatic event together unscathed, and suddenly feeling like this was the best thing that would ever happen to me.

Sounds pathetically soppy, but true! 2 months on and I wonder what on earth I did without him.

DD2 - I just felt utterly relieved that she looked like she didn't have Down's syndrome, and feeling so happy that DD1 was there to witness it all. I remember thinking 'blimey you're bigger than dd1 was' (it hurt a lot more).

DD3 - that was the best yet. It was the lovelist birth and as I pulled her out of the water and into my arms I felt incredibly proud of her and incredibly lucky. She had just come along and completed my family and I felt utterly content and at peace and in love.

Mine was "wow, oh my god...oh my god you take her I'm going to be sick BOAK"

"thats better I want her back now!"

with ds1, shock at his eyelashes (real!) and toes (tiny and perfectly formed!) and utterly coshed by the whole experience - and remained so for moths.

With ds2, I noticed that despite weighing more or less the same as ds1, he was a totally different shape - short, and plumptious, rather than big boned and gangly. He had a double chin. And he seemed to be here very quickly.

I don't actually recall feeling anything. Apart from wishing dp would take hold of him and everyone would get out of the room and just let me roll over and go to sleep for a week.
I suspect the fact that I was still in stirrups and being stitched up had something to do with it...

Not as bad as my friend who is still that after a long and traumatic labour she shouted 'get it away from me!!!' at the midwife attempting to present her with her firstborn

I was acutally shocked to see a baby! As mad as it sounds I remember with my first son shouting something like ' Oh god it's a baby '

After the shock I felt total amazement that this gorgeous little thing was mine!

I felt the most enormous WHOOSH of love for her and immediately felt I would kill or die for her. It was a shock because I'm normally a bit of a cynically old cow so wasn't expecting to feel so overwhelmed

I also felt powerful and proud of giving birth - like I could do anything

unprepared

I had the urge to write poetry! I just wanted to express the overwhelming love I felt