Can you put into words how you felt when you first held your baby?

[phlossie]

I'm reading We Need to Talk About Kevin, and am at the bit where she gives birth. Her point is that her expectations of that first encounter with her baby far exceeded the reality. It got me thinking about what I expected to feel and what I did feel when I first met my babies - firstborn in particular.
I don't think I had really thought past the actually birth process, so I remember being surprised by what thoughts popped into my head at the end of the birth. As he slithered out after that last push I remember thinking how nice and warm it felt. I also remember feeling that I should be dying to meet my baby and saying 'where's my baby?' in a breathless, dramatic way that've got me a BAFTA (or at least a part in Holby City). When I held him, I remember thinking that he was bigger and less creased than I expected - my ds was particularly pink and perky all wide eyed and looking about. (I think dd (second baby) was more what I expected - she was greyish-mauve, completely battered and screamed for 15 mins! And because I knew what to expect, I was much more relaxed about her.)
I was very very happy with ds, but more overwhelmed by the whole birth process - and amazed by myself and what I had just done. After the initial cuddle, I couldn't hold him for a while because I had complicated tearing, so I watched my husband with him and talked incessantly - a kind of post-match analysis! I did enjoy the first feed - it gave me something to do - my first shot at being a mother IYKWIM.
When I was wheeled off to the ward, the baby was bundled up and put in my arms, and I remember being quite surprised, as in 'oh, yes, my baby - I get to keep him!'
It was once I was up on the ward and alone with him, I didn't sleep a wink and spent the night gazing at him and quietly weeping because he was so beautiful - and he was mine.

What were (are if it's still to come) your expectations of that first meeting? What was the reality.

Lennied - I laughed a lot at your dh!

Because my dh saw ds first because I was kneeling so he was born behind me. He kept coming around to the front of me and sobbing 'he's got fingernails!' 'he's got toenails!' I remember thinking 'what did you expect?'

Someone said it earlier - dd weighed 1 ounce more than ds, but was a very different shape (and colour) - very podgy with fat cheeks and a double chin. I just adored her instantly and found her very funny - she was so so so cross and very ugly - all mauve and battered with stork marks, swollen eyelids and weird froggy legs! (She's beautiful now).

'Can't believe you are here' (Was in labour for 3 1/2 days and had forceps in theatre just before c-section) !

But more than anything an enormous rush of love and a feeling I had known him all my life! I know that rush of love does not always happen and should not be expected. And it was hard to deal with when 12 hours later my little boy was in an incubator on a ventilator following endless seizures with apnoeas (he is now home doing great for the moment )

madmouse. I just had a look at your profile - he's incredibly beautiful!

I looked at my dd and was exstatic that she was alright, a girl and that I had done it. I just kept gazing at her and I don't think I said much. (quite unusual for me )

When I lifted ds up out of the birth pool I said 'he's f*ing massive' (I never swear, and was quite proud not to have done it at all during the labour!) I fell in love with him instantly although I had been hoping for another girl. (I feel guilty now about that, but I couldn't help wanting to have a girl)

Anyway if I ever have another one I really would not mind what sex it was as you just love them inconditionally. (how could I have not known that before?!) Of course for some people it comes slightly later than for others, but it does happen.

Ooh Thomcat your posts made me a bit teary.

I held dd a day after I had her as we were both very poorly. I just loved her absolutely and felt so happy that she was mine and that dp and I had made her together.

I was completely out of it on some remnants of an epidural and lots of gas and air, so just remember feeling quite detached from it all.

As DS finally slithered out I remember
thinking that it was just like a cow giving birth! (My dad's a farmer and the MW had told me to stop pushing once the head was out but the rest just slithered out with no help from me!)

DH and SIL (birth partner) were both in tears, and I remember feeling glad that someone else was having the right feelings.

Later when DH held DS I was glad they were having the chance to bond. It wasn't really until we got back onto the ward and I was clean and less spaced-out that I really looked at DS properly. I don't really remember it though.

From a feeding point of view I wish I'd tried harder initially as I tried briefly after birth but not afterwards for a few hours, but I remember telling myself it was perfectly normal to feel a bit detached after what I'd just been through.

The best moment though, was his first smile. Now every smile melts my heart!

relief mainly. i was not that bothered with her at all tbh. she seemed so damn heavy and big. i know now i was just so exhausted and weak. i had in mind i'd be having a 6lb baby, same weight as dh and i were. but she was near 9lb. didn't feel like i was her mum for ages. just thought of her as dh's baby and i just fed her. dh did everything else..bless him.

after 35 hours, the feeling I had was..

RELIEF!!!!!!

Oh thank God it's over, they can't put him back can they!...?...!

DD1 - can't really remember: I more remember thinking someone has plonked this gelatinous thing on my belly and please take it away, I am exhausted and humilated and spatchcocked in front of half of King's Hospital and I want some SLEEP.

DD2: 'Oooh, I've had a boy!' [sic]

Spatchcocked LOL

I don't remember holding dd for the first time at all and she's only 11 weeks. They took her away as soon as she shot out and they kept her for about 15 minutes without telling us what was going on. Didn't even tell us what sex she was (luckily we'd had a scan and knew). I felt completely neglected and unimportant.

Horrible experience when I look back. I keep remembering more horrible things when I think about it.

I didn't get to hold my ds until the day after he was born - emergency cs and he was whisked down to scbu. They did show him to me, all wrapped up and I gave him a kiss. They took a photo too, which I had next to my bed on the ward. The first time I touched him, I was terrified I'd do something wrong, as he had a tube up his nose and was in an incubator. I just stroked his skin gently and hoped desperately that he would be ok (he was in a bad way at birth, me and dh thought he'd been stillborn, we were in floods of tears). I knew then that I'd love him no matter what and 2.5 years later I love him with all my heart. And he's fine, despite the shaky start. And I've welled up writing this!

DS1 - Utter horror
....as he was born blue and not breathing. I watched on as the paediatrics team resuscitated him, it took 5 minutes and was honestly the longest 5 minutes of my entire life.
It was an emergency c-section and couldn't hold him properly and asked not to. I was too scared to get close as it was obvious he was in a bad way.
They took him off to NICU soon after.

Don't worry, there's a happy ending. He's 100% fine now at age 3 and a half.

DS2 - Shock,
...that the same didn't happen again. He was pink and lovely.

Oh gosh, i honestly can still feel the excitement of when ds1 was passed to me and thinking how i couldnt beleive id done it.

How much he looked like his daddy with a dimple in his chin.
I had never felt so close to dp as that moment either!Better than i could ever have imagined

Ds2 was the same but different, if you get me.He was so clean!!I thought he would look like his big brother and i suppose he did, but not as much as i thought he would. I helped midwife dry him off and couldnt believe how i managed to do this wonderful thing again.

Difficult to explain, but lovely moments in my life.

Its not really a feeling you can put into words...I felt very overwhelmed!! If I wasnt so worried about hurting her/making her cry I would have pinched her to check if she was real!! Its just amazing, an awesome feeling!

I thought and said lots of inappropriate things. I remember thinking very clearly 'this feels just like a bowl of spaghetti being pulled out of my middle' (forceps delivery with epidural just starting to wear off), and then suddenly there was this ENORMOUS child plonked on my tummy for just a second. I said 'Hello!' automatically (having for weeks taken the piss out of the women on birthing videos who said hello to their newborn babies), and remember thinking to myself how ridiculous that was, then they took him over to the resuscitator and I was just holding my breath till he cried. My next thought was 'that didn't look much like a newborn' - at 9 lbs 15 he looked like one of those fake soap opera babies who are really 3 months old.

Then dp held him while they stitched me up and as I saw ds' face for the first time properly I said 'Gosh doesn't he look just like [name of dp's best mate, who to be fair does look a bit squashed]'. Midwives didn't know where to look!

The 'rush of love' moment didn't come till the next day and then disappeared again for the first 5 weeks or so, but I wasn't too worried as hadn't expected to bond straight away anyway.

I was a bit shocked, held her for a minute, or tried to, but then I started shaking (apparently it DOES happen after normal deliveries but I never read about it ANYWHERE so started panicking too) so DD put in the cot while I had injection to deliver placenta. I assume now I was just exhausted and overwhelmed, and I know I had the love rush later on, but that didn't happen straight away.I remember thinking I should be feeling something now, but not.

DS - really can't remember. I think I was surprised he was a boy. Had a PPH after he was born and then taken into theatre to be stitched up for two hours and do remember everything feeling surreal.

DD - complete and utter feeling of love and the feeling she was mine and that I wouldn't let anyone take her anywhere. She was slightly blue when she was born and needed a quick puff of oxygen and when she was out of the room (about 30 seconds, DH said) I kept on and on asking where my baby was.

I still feel odd that I had such different esperiences when they were born.

I'm not sure I should post this, but feel like I need to, so I hope it is ok to do so.

My first baby was stillborn. I had known this as I was induced to have him. It took 3 long days for him to be born. And when I held him, knowing that he had died, I just still felt elated and excited to be holding him. I dont know how or why but am grateful to have felt and experienced that with him.

thritbies - thank you. Of course it's OK - and brave - for you to post your experience here. Love to you and yours.

thritbies. i'm glad you were able to feel that. it must have been so difficult for you but it's lovely you allowed yourself to feel excited to meet him.

thritbies - I think you sound very brave and lovely - I'm glad you posted your story

with ds1 - "what do i do now"
with ds2 - "dont even think of tking him away from me - i will kill you!"

ds1 was in scbu for a week and this really affected my feelings towrds him. ds2 i did feel that sudden rush of emotion.

x

justhaving...i was exactly the same with DS2 after experience of SCBU with DS1. I refused to have him taken out of my sight, not even for weighing and the staff were very understanding. I lay down the law second time and had it put in my notes that i was not to be seperated from baby unless absolutely necessary.

dragon, glad to know i wasnt the only nutter! i think the hospital thought i was mad, but i didnt want him to be even in a different room to me. its amazing how different 2 experiences can be x

dd1 was apparently the funniest of my labours according to dh i wouldn't listen to anyone and ended up getting a slap round the chops by mw (who was a good friend before anyone says "ooh sue her") my first words were "7cm's my arse" (refering to the ve that mw had done about two minutes earlier )swiftly followed by "tell me there's no willy"

this of course lead to hysterical laughter from everyone there EXCEPT ME who felt rather pissed off that i didn't get the joke!!!