Can you put into words how you felt when you first held your baby?

[phlossie]

I'm reading We Need to Talk About Kevin, and am at the bit where she gives birth. Her point is that her expectations of that first encounter with her baby far exceeded the reality. It got me thinking about what I expected to feel and what I did feel when I first met my babies - firstborn in particular.
I don't think I had really thought past the actually birth process, so I remember being surprised by what thoughts popped into my head at the end of the birth. As he slithered out after that last push I remember thinking how nice and warm it felt. I also remember feeling that I should be dying to meet my baby and saying 'where's my baby?' in a breathless, dramatic way that've got me a BAFTA (or at least a part in Holby City). When I held him, I remember thinking that he was bigger and less creased than I expected - my ds was particularly pink and perky all wide eyed and looking about. (I think dd (second baby) was more what I expected - she was greyish-mauve, completely battered and screamed for 15 mins! And because I knew what to expect, I was much more relaxed about her.)
I was very very happy with ds, but more overwhelmed by the whole birth process - and amazed by myself and what I had just done. After the initial cuddle, I couldn't hold him for a while because I had complicated tearing, so I watched my husband with him and talked incessantly - a kind of post-match analysis! I did enjoy the first feed - it gave me something to do - my first shot at being a mother IYKWIM.
When I was wheeled off to the ward, the baby was bundled up and put in my arms, and I remember being quite surprised, as in 'oh, yes, my baby - I get to keep him!'
It was once I was up on the ward and alone with him, I didn't sleep a wink and spent the night gazing at him and quietly weeping because he was so beautiful - and he was mine.

What were (are if it's still to come) your expectations of that first meeting? What was the reality.

Accoring to the midwife DH and I both kept gasping "its a baby", "its a baby", "its a baby". And that is what I remember most strongly, total shock that I actually made a real life baby.

I did not get to hold her for about an hour due to a PPH. Throughout the whole haemmorhage I was immune from panic because I was just staring at DD lying in DH's arms. My mind was going round in circles of "I can't beleive I have just been in labour", "I can't beleive I gave birth", "oh my god, its a baby" ... "gosh thats a lot of blood".

"Is it still a girl?"

I had this weird feeling that despite two scans she would turn out to be a boy. I didn't feel an immediate rush of love as I was on the operating table and couldn't see her that well. I was trying to remember the song that was playing when she came out and I fell in love with her when she was put on me in recovery and we both fell asleep with her on my breast. Was only 11 days ago and I am still in the totally smitten phase!

dazed

I remember looking longingly at him in DH's arms as I was being stitched (which I found worse than giving birth).

Then, later on, lying in the hospital bed and staring at him in his clear plastic cot, terrified at how fragile he was, knowing that I could unthinkingly murder anyone who tried to harm him, and unable to believe the strength of the love I already felt for him.

It was a real thunderbolt for me.

With ds1 I felt nothing, zilch, zero, except relief it was all over. I'd had such a bad labour and he was whisked away immediately for treatment and I felt totally detached from everything. Weird.

Ds2 I fell in love with as soon as he was born, a tidal wave of emotion and I SCREAMED at the MW to give him to me NOW! It was amazing.

I expected the same when I had dd1 but was in fact felt terrified that I now had a girl and had no clue as to how to raise her. The next day there were feeding issues with her and the tigress in me roared to the surface and I was henceforth besotted.

When dd2 arrived she screamed blue murder and I immediately knew that there was no way we could call her two of the names we'd had in mind! I remember trying to calm her down and stop the crying, I was so worried that she was unhappy to be here.

God, I love my kids so very, very much, even though the oldest will be 33 on Sat and is married. You never stop being a mother.

Dd was born by em cs under GA. I did not see her until a day later in NICU. Her face was perfect - could not believe it myself. When I picked her up, I wondered about the wires and tubes coming from her.

A blue bum and back was all i could see on my belly before they whisked him away to get him breathing. It was a nightmare of a labour resulting in a forceps delivery, third degree tear etc. He still has the scars on his head from the clips of the monitor as they turned him inside me - he is 7.

It was a few days later as it snowed as i took him from his incubator and promised him i would always be there for him and nothing would ever hurt him.

"oh THERE you are!"

My mother was horrified by what I said when I first saw my DD - "Oh my god! She's MASSIVE", promptly followed by a feeling of "What the hell have I gone and done!"

phlossie, I've just finished that book - I found it really gripping

I didn't ever really think about how I'd react to meeting my baby for the first time; I was scared to, I think, after two miscarriages and not quite being able to believe I'd get a real baby at the end of my pregnancy.

In the end, I was high on Pethidine and he had to be resuscitated (had a shoulder dystocia) so my first thoughts were almost sort of "oh, well that's it then, he's not breathing".

The relief when they handed me my little peeping son was like a bloody wave crashing over me - best feeling in the world - utter, utter relief that he was here, and healthy, and okay.

I think I was in denial until the mw actually handed me DS. I kept repeating "OMG it's a baby!!" for about 5 minutes, much to the amusement of the midwife.

Relief (that they weren't dead), and a feeling of recognition "of course you're my baby, I know you", pride ("ooo look you can wee & poo & feed, what a clever baby" ;) ), then a powerful urge to destroy anyone who'd even look at my baby the wrong way ;)

DD was 40 minutes old before I held her (DH had skin to skin, I had a section) and I just remember lying in the recovery room and the most overwhelming feeling of peace coming over me as DH put DD on my chest. DD must have felt is too as she immediately stopped crying and went to sleep.

Disbelief I guess and not in a good way!
I handed ds over so I could get my stitches done then really didnt know what on earth to do with him.
Next feeling was, 'oh shit what have i done'.
Sad but true, i like the little bugger now though

Was about an hour before I got to hold her as was unconcious and in surgery. Dh got her for a whole hour.

I felt amazed that she was real, sad because of her pain, very protective and totally in love

I imagined that they'd hand me my baby, and that I'd cuddle them skin to skin for ages.

What actually happened was they sort of waved him at me in passing as he went to SCBU, and I was left to deliver the placenta etc. Didn't get to hold him for a couple of days, and when I did it was a bit of a palaver with the tubes,wires etc and of course it was when a colleague was there to visit, and so my first hold was trying to sort out getting him to latch on.

Really, not what I imagined, and it wasn't till we were home, and we were peacefully in the bath together that I got that special time.

I woke up nose to nose with DS, said "What is it" and went back to sleep.
When I next woke we just stared at each other for ages, felt very peaceful and content.

"Oh wow here she issszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
I had PPH then and blacked out

astonished, giddy, slightly doolally [pethidine] and a bit sick

I was semi-conscious and lying on operating table, so DP got to hold him and went off with the nurses to get him wrapped up - then they just lay him down next to me so we could look into each other's eyes... I whimpered "I love you" and pretty much passed out. I was so exhausted it was all a bit blank and I was aware that I was trying to make this "moment" mean something but wasn't really up to it! (I had imagined a lovely normal birth and cuddling the baby blissfully - also I was sure it was going to be a girl) Later on the ward I just felt amazed and overwhelmed. I clearly remember the "whoosh!" of love though - it happened three days later in the middle of the night - I sat there with him and cried buckets for hours.

It was very much as I had expected, but what I had not anticipated was this feeling of intense calm, serenity, asfter all the hulabaloo of pushing him out.

I didn't love ds1 the instant I saw him, love took a while to develop, but for the first time in my life I felt completely linked to ano9ther person. Even more so than to my dh. I remember the thought going through my head "This is it. For life." It was an awesome and joyous thought.

Both times I was just so, SO glad it was OUT, that was my main feeling!!!!

can't actually remember the first time I held him. I had him under GA after a traumatic labour so the memory just isn't there.

I remember the first time I saw him, a nurse held him and showed him to me (but I couldn't hold him as was shaking violently after coming round) and I remember seeing his face in profile but I don't actually remember THINKING anything

relieved, overwhelmed, scared , but such love just kept saying my baby boy and kissing him had terrible birth and he was whipped away with dp and remember looking thinking god dont let this be last time i see them luckily i was ok

awoke to hear funny noise and opened my eyes and thought oh no i have had the baby what do i do with it now couldnt breast feed to many meds after birth

remember wandering the corridoor and asking for food saying i think he is hungry holding him feeding him and just praying i would be a good mum as all of a sudeden love anxiety worry hit me all at once

I also went through the "OMG, it's a baby!" phase, not sure what I thought it would be. Was still recovering from DHs awful performance at determining the sex - midwife shoved baby under his nose on delivery and I don't think he was expectingthe umbilical cord, mistaking it for a willy. The midwife said "go on, it's a..." and DH replied with "I'm not really sure". Poor DD.

After that relief and a few tears. V happy. Shame I had to sit in the pool of blood for another 2 hours though, took the shine off a little.