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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Feeling a bit sad I never got to experience a natural birth

104 replies

Mariellama · 21/10/2022 14:41

Just that really. I have two gorgeous, healthy children that I'm incredibly grateful for. My friend just gave birth, she had a tricky labour after an induction but had a natural delivery. I'm so happy for her and excited that she's a new mum, at the same time I feel a hint of jealousy that I never had that experience.

With my first I had an induction due to baby's estimated size, really long and painful labour and finally an emcs because her head was in the wrong position.

Second labour, we had a planned c section booked due to previous birth and sorting out childcare for DD but I ended up going into labour naturally. I was super excited to try for a normal birth and labour progressed well but when I was trying to push baby just didn't budge. In my notes it said malpresentation, but I was also in horrendous pain at the time and when I was given the choice of c section or waiting to try pushing again I just couldn't bare the pain so chose the section.

We always said 2 dc and I bled a lot in my second emcs so we don't want more children. Just feeling a little bit sad atm that I've missed out on a vaginal delivery in spite of going through full labour pains. I'll get over it, but anyone else ever felt the same way?

OP posts:
DarlingDarwin · 21/10/2022 20:21

It’s okay to feel sad or like you missed out. That’s the feeling you have and you can’t make it go away. I’d try to accept that a small part of you may always wish you’d had a vaginal birth, but you didn’t and you’re sad about that. The sadness will fade like your scars over time.

But just so you’re aware, you did the hard bit by getting through all the contactions and you’ve tried pushing, you’ve had a baby. There’s actually just a tiny bit of the process you’ve missed. Be proud of yourself! You made a human 😄

Squashpocket · 21/10/2022 20:27

You didn't miss out honestly. The 'pushing out of vagina' bit wasn't magical, it just felt like pooing a watermelon. Now my pelvic floor hangs somewhere down by my knees.

I promise this is just another one of the many things that feel like they matter, but turn out to be a load of bollocks. I'm looking at you baby led weaning...

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/10/2022 20:31

I feel similar. I have 2 DC, both were induced, both were B2B. I'd like to have experienced a more exemplary birth but off hey ho.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/10/2022 20:32

I think it's complicated. Before dc1 was born, I didn't think I would have cared how he arrived. 2 emergency sections later, I definitely feel like I failed in some fashion. Perhaps even worst my section recoveries were literally a walk in the park so I felt I couldn't even do that bit right.

The midwife I saw after dc2 arrived commiserated me on my "failure" before she'd even sat down.

anotherscroller · 21/10/2022 20:35

I blame Instagram

Original poster
Mariellama · 21/10/2022 20:39

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm definitely not crying into my morning cup of tea about my c section. I am the luckiest mama with beautiful and healthy children so I'm very grateful for the care I received. I don't think about the births on a daily basis, it's only when I hear about new babies being born that I start to think about it. It's strange because I was meant to have an elective section with DS but went into labour naturally, so I thought at the time that it was meant to be!

I am really proud of both labours, my first one was over 30 hours and I had a really difficult surgery with my second but both times I was able to breastfeed straight after surgery. Just thinking whether there's something wrong with my anatomy that stopped me from delivering vaginally? My mum did say that many women experience horrendous birth injuries from VBs so I do understand what PPs are saying. It's hard to explain, I always imagined I'd have a water birth and never expected to have two emcs after exhausting labours.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 21/10/2022 20:40

It’s mad I wasn’t aware of the whole ‘natural birth insta movement’ when DD was born. So when she finally came out (induction/forceps) I just remember feeling so proud and elated that I had ‘done it’. I had no idea any birth was seen as ‘lesser’, I just felt such pride at DD and the fact we were both okay and ‘I’ve had a BABY!!!!’

I know hypnobirthing companies etc say they’re there to ‘make our experiences better’ but I wonder if they do, really. There definitely seems to be an odd competitiveness now whereby a natural home birth is seen as ‘the top’ and Caesarians ‘the bottom’.

I’m probably a bit odd though, I loved giving birth in hospital and showing Dd off on the ward, buying her little knitted hat from the shop, walking her out in the car seat and going home 😆 homebirth would have been an anti climax for me!

Cuppasoupmonster · 21/10/2022 20:42

@Mariellama there’s nothing wrong with you or your anatomy. It’s all luck of the draw. Had I given birth the next day I might’ve ended up with a c-section, the day before maybe I wouldn’t have needed forceps… who knows! But if you ‘failed’ that means your baby also ‘failed’ and I can’t imagine you see your lovely kids as any kind of failure!

RandomMess · 21/10/2022 20:42
Flowers

Remember a lot of women and babies used to die during childbirth and it's not an insignificant number that still do.

I think we all have our fairytales of birthing and motherhood and then there is the reality 😳

Cuppasoupmonster · 21/10/2022 20:45

@RandomMess before medical intervention, 1% of women died giving birth. Today’s c-section rate is something like 30% I believe. So the vast majority of c-section mums would’ve given birth eventually it’s just a c-section to avoid harm was the right thing to do at the time. It doesn’t mean you ‘are incapable of giving birth’. Just that it was the safest thing to do for you and the baby.

Original poster
Mariellama · 21/10/2022 20:47

@anotherscroller fortunately I barely use instragram (only to stalk Selling Sunset cast very occasionally)!

More likely it's my mother's fault, she had 3 very quick and easy labours so she set a difficult example! 🤣

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 21/10/2022 20:54

I was still beating myself up for not being capable of giving birth when ds was in his teens. I had a horrific 60 hour failed induction which ended up in an emcs where I nearly died. I suffered with terrible PND which left me suicidal because nobody ever explained to me what went wrong & why.

Kakinkankakoo · 21/10/2022 21:31

@Nat6999 im so sorry. A traumatic birth can leave such awful emotional scars.

RiftGibbon · 21/10/2022 21:38

Nope. Why are we conditioned to think like this? I had an emcs. I was fortunate to not die during childbirth and likewise my child's life was also saved.
Would I have preferred to labour for hours more and been in extreme pain? No.
Do I mind that others have not had intervention? No
Do I feel cheated? No

schnubbins · 21/10/2022 22:58

I worked in Obstetrics and Gynaecology for 10 years before having my two. I was under no illusions about the birthing process , having seen it and caring for new mums in all those years. All I wanted was a healthy child .Both came out through the sun roof one after 26 hrs the other after an elective section. Thank God that we have the intervention to bring our babies safe into the world whatever way they come.

RandomMusings7 · 21/10/2022 23:43

@schnubbins in your experience is it true that most obgyns choose C sections for themselves?

Pallisers · 21/10/2022 23:49

I had an horrific vaginal delivery in which I nearly died. My obgyn should have given me a c section and she was lucky I didn't die or sue her. My pregnancy was great, I was a perfectly healthy woman. But delivery was a nightmare. I still wish she had decided on a c-section for me. The junior doctor on duty was signalling fairly obviously that this vaginal delivery wasn't going anywhere. His wife had had a baby 2 weeks before. But my consultant was determined I would deliver vaginally.

Then I had two c sections. I know which births are my best memories. I felt no different about my babies either except I needed my parents and my adored MIL to help me after my first - like for weeks. after 2 and 3 I was home and somewhat back to normal in a couple of days.

surreygirl1987 · 22/10/2022 00:29

I had a 'natural' birth for my first and it was horrific. Planned c section for my second and a million times better. Natural birth is very overrated and actually i think that terminology isn't helpful.

TheresABearOverThere · 22/10/2022 00:42

My best friend had a natural, no intervention, no tearing delivery. She is utterly traumatised by it, the epidural didn't work and nobody believed her. She thought she was dying due to pain.

I had a calm ELCS with a huge amount of attention on me. I know which experience I would prefer.

RookSoup · 22/10/2022 00:49

Virginal births are not all their cracked up to be so I really wouldn't be disappointed. However I know the feeling you're describing and have experienced it over other pregnancy/ birth related things and your feelings are very valid.

My first was epidural, episiotomy, forceps and 3L pph. I had/have a massive scar and a mild prolapse after that. The pain was awful for weeks after.

For my second, vaginal birth and no pain relief for a 9lb bubba. Yes, I experienced it vaginally but the pain was horrific and intense.

However babies arrive, as long as baby and mummy are well, that's the main thing.

Whizzi24 · 22/10/2022 07:57

@RandomMess before medical intervention, 1% of women died giving birth. Today’s c-section rate is something like 30% I believe.

But what percentage of the babies died? Most c-sections are because there is danger to the baby rather than the mother.

twinkleteas · 22/10/2022 07:59

It's ok to feel sad and grieve for the life you didn't live 🤍

babynoname22 · 22/10/2022 08:08

First baby. Pushed him out. Had a fourth degree tear torn uterus PPH and ended up in special care. Horrendous and long recovery multiple infections. Left with double prolapse and lifetime issues. I was 32.

Second baby ELCS was an absolute dream and I recovered so well.

Birthing a baby through your vagina is not all it's cracked up to be.

surreygirl1987 · 22/10/2022 08:26

It's hard to explain, I always imagined I'd have a water birth and never expected to have two emcs after exhausting labours.

A very small percentage of women get the water birth, at least in my local hospital.

Dyra · 22/10/2022 10:07

I get it.

We're all sold the vaginal birth "dream" antenatally. Doctors, midwives, NCT all have it as the go to. They're the professionals right? They know what they're talking about. So when things happen that don't align with that dream, you're left wondering where it went wrong. And inevitably you think you were.

In my case it feels like I was running a marathon, but hit the wall about halfway, and couldn't continue. So the finish line was brought to me, I was picked up off the floor, and then thrown across the line. Still, got my medal, but I feel like a bit of a fraud. I managed to run the marathon (eventually) the first time. Why couldn't I do it the second?

I know in my heart that baby was in a bad position for birth, and the C-section was inevitable, but I still wonder "what if?". Baby was only just starting to show mild distress. Did I give in too early? Was it truly inevitable?What if I'd tried continuing for just that little bit longer? Maybe he could have tucked his little chin in if I'd just given him a chance.

Have you had a birth afterthoughts session? Assuming you're within one year of birth from your most recent one. I've heard they can help. I'm having one in just over a week, and I hope it's going to quell at least some of those what ifs.