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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Feeling a bit sad I never got to experience a natural birth

104 replies

Mariellama · 21/10/2022 14:41

Just that really. I have two gorgeous, healthy children that I'm incredibly grateful for. My friend just gave birth, she had a tricky labour after an induction but had a natural delivery. I'm so happy for her and excited that she's a new mum, at the same time I feel a hint of jealousy that I never had that experience.

With my first I had an induction due to baby's estimated size, really long and painful labour and finally an emcs because her head was in the wrong position.

Second labour, we had a planned c section booked due to previous birth and sorting out childcare for DD but I ended up going into labour naturally. I was super excited to try for a normal birth and labour progressed well but when I was trying to push baby just didn't budge. In my notes it said malpresentation, but I was also in horrendous pain at the time and when I was given the choice of c section or waiting to try pushing again I just couldn't bare the pain so chose the section.

We always said 2 dc and I bled a lot in my second emcs so we don't want more children. Just feeling a little bit sad atm that I've missed out on a vaginal delivery in spite of going through full labour pains. I'll get over it, but anyone else ever felt the same way?

OP posts:
sageandbasil · 21/10/2022 15:24

I feel/felt like this... esp when my SIL then had a natural birth wiyh just gas and air. I felt like a failure. But I'm glad I had a c section in a way because next time it will make it a lot easier sorting out childcare for DD and for my husbands work as hel know when to stop booking in patients. She's here and healthy and that's all that matters but I do feel like I missed out. But then I think on what it seems awful!

Laquila · 21/10/2022 15:27

I had an EMCS for my eldest and an ELCS for my second child.

For the EMCS, I've never been so grateful for anything in my life. I don't think either of us would be here now without it so, I don't pine after a natural birth. (In fact I was an EMCS as well and that saved both mine and my mum's life.) I immediately knew if I had another child I'd have another section, and the second one was good because I felt in control and it worked and I had another good recovery. I can sort of see where you're coming from but honestly, look at your babies and look forwards - I wish you all the best with it

RandomMusings7 · 21/10/2022 15:30

We really really need to stop romanticizing and glamorising women going through excrutiating pain for hours or days, putting their bodies through immense unnecessary stress at the risk of suffering debilitating long term injuries. Women should not be martyrs. The pain of childbirth does not a mother make. To me, the whole movement that blindly pushes the idea of a "natural" birth as a more rewarding/spiritual/superior experience is in itself a form of misoginy, designed to punish women. Pain and injuries for those who choose "natural" based on misleading information and emotional manipulation and shame for those who choose or end up with a c-section. Women can't win. You might as well choose to unapologetically do it your way.

Kidsandcat · 21/10/2022 15:32

Birth is a means to an end (or beginning!). I can't believe you would consider another child just for the experience!!! I did not enjoy either of my births but loved the end result and that is why I would have done it again and again if finances had permitted. I had a natural birth second time, following an EMCS, no time for pain relief plus stitches - ouch.

reallyjustwantgin · 21/10/2022 15:33

I had an emergency section and didn't experience any labour or contractions. The surgery went great and I healed quickly and without any issues. I know several women who have had very traumatic birth experiences that have left them in recovery for years.

As such, I honestly feel like I dodged a bullet and am relieved I had a section. I may feel differently if I'd had a difficult time post section.

RandomMusings7 · 21/10/2022 15:36

@Mariellama please have a look at this thread full of women describing they "natural" birth injuries. I promise it will put things into perspective

www.mumsnet.com/talk/guest_posts/4302468-Guest-post-Women-are-expected-to-go-home-with-life-changing-injuries-after-giving-birth-and-just-get-on-with-it

Montague22 · 21/10/2022 15:42

Well having experienced 3 natural births without pain relief, (too fast), I can assure you you’re not missing out. My 3rd was a huge rush, but I’d still have gladly taken a C-section. Don’t imagine it’s something it isn’t.
There was no ‘magic moment’ for me when given my babies, more like relief it was over.

tuttifruit · 21/10/2022 16:04

In the kindest way you need to get over it. Some people are jealous that you didn't have to experience a traumatic natural birth, some people may be jealous of the gender of your baby, some people may be jealous that you were able to have children at all. Life often doesn't go to plan

juicyjanet1 · 21/10/2022 16:08

I think its normal to feel some regret or sadness over your birthing experiences. There is a lot of focus on positive birth stories, hypnobirthing etc. to help empower women to have more positive birth experiences, however the reality is that it rarely goes to plan and the experience is often traumatic.

I had two vaginal deliveries, one quick without pain relief to a preemie, which was terrifying due to the circumstances. Another that ended in induction and forceps. I still feel sad I never got to have a positive birth experience, but I think it's a case of women being given unrealistic expectations.

I agree with previous posters, the pushing it out bit is over-rated.

CoastalWave · 21/10/2022 16:08

Hmm. Vaginal birth - tore my anus so now I have no muscles from about 12-2pm (if that makes sense, if the hole was a clock!) - seriously not fun at all coupled with crohns disease. Technically 'natural' but was after an induction and daughter was yanked out with forceps.

Let's be honest - giving birth is generally just shit all around. Be thankful you have healthy baby/babies.

Find something else to stress about!

FourTeaFallOut · 21/10/2022 16:09

I've had three natural births. I'm fortunate that that means I had three relatively easy deliveries with fewer risks and complications but, at the end of the day, it's just a means to an end. There's no great knowledge or experience which is achieved in the process which you are missing out on.

Redcrayons · 21/10/2022 16:12

How old are your DCs?

I felt like I’d missed out when they were little, but they are teens now and the least interesting thing about them is how the exited my body. i could talk about them for hours but the c section I had wouldn’t even get a mention.
I had no choice, they are alive and well. that’s all really.

bobtheveryoldBuilder · 21/10/2022 16:16

You mean you feel sad you miss the amazing vaginal brith that's portrayed sometimes in the media, and by the NCT. All soft fuzzy feelings and pain free. Who gets that? Like hardly anyone. That's like feeling sad you didn't win the lottery.

You didn't miss what was much more likely to happen, tears, tears and unpleasantness. I know several women who have had a terrible time post natural childbirth. And it's taboo almost to speak about. Someone who had to sit on a cushion for six months. Someone who still doesn't walk properly after 10 years.

You had a lucky escape. I'd reframe your experience if you can.

Cuppasoupmonster · 21/10/2022 16:19

jtaeapa · 21/10/2022 14:42

It's overrated, honestly.

This. The feeling of relief when it’s over is the ‘good feeling’ - not the birth itself. It’s agonisingly painful, and to be honest a lot of it is a blur - I don’t really remember DD being born. I never really believe women who say they ‘enjoyed’ labour I think they either have rose tinted glasses or are confusing enjoying it with pride looking back.

What matters is how YOU feel about your births.

SallyWD · 21/10/2022 16:30

I had 2 natural births and I feel the opposite to you. I wish I'd had 2 c-sections! My natural births left me with uterine, bowel and bladder prolapses.

TonksInPurple · 21/10/2022 16:34

I know what you mean I have an 11yo born via CS as breech, always thought I’d have another and go for vbac but never got the chance and 40 now so unlikely to now.

Ronnii · 21/10/2022 16:38

Understandable to feel sad, I think you vision a vaginal birth with an easy and full recovery.
I had vaginal delivery and have really struggled with the birth injuries.
Though I know if I'd ended up with a section I would have imagined the vaginal birth I didn't have!
Next will be a section if that ever happens!

Underanothersky · 21/10/2022 16:42

No, I don't feel sad that myself and my child didn't die.

Ronnii · 21/10/2022 16:45

SallyWD · 21/10/2022 16:30

I had 2 natural births and I feel the opposite to you. I wish I'd had 2 c-sections! My natural births left me with uterine, bowel and bladder prolapses.

My heart pangs reading this , I have bladder prolapse after having one baby (there goes my dream of having 4 kids haha) but it's horrible thinking about the future of my body and what another pregnancy will do.

jjeoreo · 21/10/2022 16:49

I get it.

It's an interesting experience, giving birth vaginally, although bits of it feel absolutely vile. I guess it's not knowing how "well" you'd do if you never get the chance to try.

For me I had one heavily medicated instrumental birth and one spontaneous med-free vaginal delivery. I remember specifically saying "never again" to the latter the minute I'd had her...

I wasn't the strong silent type, I screamed the house down both times. I ended up feeling disappointed about that instead.

We all have different feelings about birth, I don't think the way you feel is necessarily something you need to "get over" or "put into perspective". With time I'm sure you'll think about it less and less, but perhaps always with a sense of curiosity about what could have been.

SpinningFloppa · 21/10/2022 16:50

Personally I would have taken my vaginal births over my csections any day, the csections was definitely worse but both was emergency, I was sad not to have had a vaginal birth again.

TheOrigRights · 21/10/2022 16:51

I had 2 spontaneous vaginal births and I am happy that it happened that way for me.
I think it's ok to feel as you do, but keep it in perspective. Acknowledge how you feel, talk about with those who feel can offer you support and then move on.
The births you had were right for you and your babies.

Advocat20 · 21/10/2022 16:52

i would honestly just think yourself lucky!

IrishMamaMia · 21/10/2022 16:56

I've felt like this in the past. First birth was assisted and traumatic so I chose a C-section for my second and last delivery. Breastfeeding also didn't work out both times and I do get a pang when I hear about mums where everything is textbook. However, the more mothers I meet and chat to the more I feel that noone has a perfect experience of motherhood, birth is a tiny part of the journey and every mum struggles with something along the way.
Time has been a great healer for me and cherishing the daily moments and bonds with my kids has helped me to move on.

randomsabreuse · 21/10/2022 16:57

There was a lot of swearing when I was giving birth. Once the kids were born it was definitely "thank fuck it's over" rather than anything powerful or amazing. The amazing bit is the child not how they get out.

It reminded me of walking up a big hill with DH largely because he kept saying I was nearly there but he was clearly bloody lying the whole time, just like walking up a hill. The reward at the end being the baby rather than the "nice view" (of the inside of a cloud on most of the damn walks)

I had 2 ventouses, so had local for the final eviction, which was fine by me...