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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

MIL planning to visit straight after birth

46 replies

HK171 · 24/04/2022 22:57

Hi all,

Our first baby is due in the summer. My lovely mother-in-law lives abroad and has already booked 2 week off work, starting the day after my due date.

It's starting to stress me out a bit. 2 things mainly - her coming when the baby's not arrived yet if I go past due date and us all sort of hanging around waiting for signs. And then being all overwhelmed with this life changing event and having someone else in the mix to consider, when we're just starting to get our heads around things. And she only speaks German! My German is adequate but I can't imagine being the best communicator at that time!

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she'd be anything but helpful and well meaning. My DH doesn't really get my misgivings as he thinks it'll all be fine. Can anyone give me a supportive/ alternative point of view?

OP posts:
TurquoiseSwirl · 24/04/2022 22:59

She needs to stay elsewhere and only visit in your terms

Pegasussnail · 24/04/2022 23:02

That's intrusive. I would hate it. Dh needs to talk to her.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/04/2022 23:07

It'll be fine. If the baby is born early, she'll be on hand to help. If it's late, she can help you get ready, look after you a bit.
My MiL came to stay after each of my 3 babies was born, she was just fab. Tidying up, hanging out the washing, holding the baby while I had bath, sorting dinner and bossing DH a bit too! It could have been difficult as I didn't really know her well, we lived 200 miles apart, but I have really fond memories of that time. She'd had 4 herself, and seemed to know instinctively what was needed.
Just chill and let her help.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 24/04/2022 23:07

hmm I’m 50/50 on this

we were totally alone when our baby arrived last year and all our families were abroad

it was tough going and I’d actually have given anything for someone to be around for a bit of extra help (couldn’t even have anyone visit the house at the time:(

you say your mil would be helpful so surely that’s a good thing?? She can look after you while you just feed the baby and enjoy the new born cuddles

saying that - I was a mess the first few weeks with my boobs hanging out trying to get to grips with breastfeeding and didn’t always get dressed or do much else other than watch sex and the city and eat snacks 😂 so it did suit ti have nobody around in some ways

hard one

can she stay somewhere else as a compromise? Could she come maybe 2 weeks later

ShadowPuppets · 24/04/2022 23:08

Oh gosh, no. DD was born on a Monday and DMIL turned up the Friday of the following week - for a long weekend, and was staying at a hotel. Which worked perfectly. I’m due to have an ELCS this time on a Tuesday and if all goes to plan we’ll be copying the last plan, it was chilled for all of us and avoided unnecessary stress.

I went overdue with DD and if MIL (who I adore most of the time) had been hanging around I would have been telling her to fuck off sharpish. Poor DH had to put up with a fair amount of tears and frustration from me and I live with him full time, ffs! 😂

MrsDanversBroom · 24/04/2022 23:09

Be kind and welcoming to her, it’s her grandchild and she wants to help. Mumsnet is often really weird about lovely grandparents wanting to be involved.

2ndTimeRound90 · 24/04/2022 23:09

With it being your first baby there is a strong chance it may not even be born until the 2 weeks is basically up! She will have majorly wasted her time.
We are due a second baby imminently and our in laws are going to book a flight over once the baby has arrived as our first baby was born 10 days after due date. I've already told my husband that they have to wait a couple of weeks before they visit so that we can get settled and they are happy to abide by this. They would normally stay in our house when they visit, but are looking at hotels to stay at so that they aren't putting any additional stress on us. I think this is all completely reasonable to expect!

RandomMess · 24/04/2022 23:12

I'd ask she comes at least 2 weeks after your due date preferably more like 3 so the baby will definitely be there and you and your DH have can have some time alone the 3 of you to bond etc.

She can then help when your DH is back at work by making meals etc as well as spending time with the baby and you.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2022 23:12

This is when you grow a backbone and put your foot down like Thor's fucking hammer. You tell your husband NO, this is NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING.

Your MIL can wait two bloody weeks or some other reasonable amount of time before darkening your door.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2022 23:16

MrsDanversBroom · 24/04/2022 23:09

Be kind and welcoming to her, it’s her grandchild and she wants to help. Mumsnet is often really weird about lovely grandparents wanting to be involved.

Oh FFS to fuck with all of this "be welcoming" SHITE. The op may not have even given birth, may be entirely fucking miserable, yet she is expected to entertain a guest in her home at literally the most vulnerable point of her life. The MIL can wait a little bit I'm sure, at least until the baby has exited her body. 🙄

Mulhollandmagoo · 24/04/2022 23:52

Is she planning on staying at your house? As I think that would be too much, two weeks is also a long time, could you kindly tell her that you're worried that if you go two weeks over, the baby won't even be born before she has to leave, so it might make sense to wait a little while until you all know what's going on?

User310 · 24/04/2022 23:55

could you ask her to postpone for a week?

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2022 00:00

My parents booked from australia to arrive almost 2 weeks after my due date and baby didn’t arrive until after they did. So their first day or so was twiddling their thumbs without seeing us. I’m an introvert and having mil staying before baby arrived in my last time all to myself for quite a while is an absolute no. Pil did suggest arriving before dc2 was due and I said no.

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2022 10:39

And what if youre late or have a cs and have to stay in-i think its intrusive to be there the moment you come home of co9urse dh cant understand hes a bloke

Kellerman · 26/04/2022 16:20

I've had really awful experiences of inlaws inviting themselves to stay in our house immediately pp. I'd say it soured our relationship forever. MIL just held my newborn continously, wouldn't let me do baby care, ordered me around, did nothing actual useful to help, kept separating me from my baby. It was truly awful and spoiled my bonding with my newborn. I'm still bitter.

CurbsideProphet · 26/04/2022 16:32

I'm not due for ages, but DH and I have already spoken about what level of visits from family we would both be comfortable with in the early days.
I imagine the issues I would have in this scenario are:
Feeling that I should host / entertain if she arrives and there's no sign of baby for a week or so. Is your DH planning to take extra leave in this scenario?
Wanting to bond with my baby and learn how to be a mum without an audience.
Feeling under pressure to have my family round too soon so no one complains about MIL being able to meet baby first.

I would need more clarification from DH than "everything being fine". Obviously this is all dependent on your relationship with your MIL and your DH's relationship with his DM.

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 16:43

Firstly, if she really was as lovely as you say, she would have checked in with you and your DH about your preferences for the timing of her visit before booking her annual leave.

Is she intending to stay at your house for the whole 2 weeks? If so it's particularly important for her to check first. But even if she intends to stay elsewhere she should check.

What is she usually like when she visits, is she helpful and considerate? Does she respect boundaries or take over? Do you and DH argue about anything when she comes?

I had a similar situation and I felt the same as you, i would have preferred PILs to wait until baby was born before coming to visit, and if they preferred to plan their visit in advance, I advised them to visit at 42 weeks as baby would almost definitely be born by then, so it would maximise their time with baby. The idea of PILs being around and waiting for me to go into labour was not comfortable for me. They didn't respect my wishes. It was a red flag and there were bigger issues further down the line. I hope your MIL is more considerate and normal!

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 16:45

Kellerman · 26/04/2022 16:20

I've had really awful experiences of inlaws inviting themselves to stay in our house immediately pp. I'd say it soured our relationship forever. MIL just held my newborn continously, wouldn't let me do baby care, ordered me around, did nothing actual useful to help, kept separating me from my baby. It was truly awful and spoiled my bonding with my newborn. I'm still bitter.

Flowers
KatharinaRosalie · 26/04/2022 16:50

How comfortable are you around your MIL? Giving birth and the immediate aftermath can be a bit of messy business. You might want to sit on your sofa with your boobs out for extended periods of time, trying to latch a newborn on, you might need ages for first bowel movements (yours) - will you be stressed if she's hovering behind the door or doesn't it bother you? That kind of things.

gogohm · 26/04/2022 16:53

She means well but is silly to have booked ahead- babies can be overdue! My mum booked for one month after my due date, dd was born on time - I lived overseas

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 16:55

KatharinaRosalie · 26/04/2022 16:50

How comfortable are you around your MIL? Giving birth and the immediate aftermath can be a bit of messy business. You might want to sit on your sofa with your boobs out for extended periods of time, trying to latch a newborn on, you might need ages for first bowel movements (yours) - will you be stressed if she's hovering behind the door or doesn't it bother you? That kind of things.

Yes and there's the postnatal lochia, you get through loads of maternity pads and sometimes leak. Plus you might have leaky boobs too.

wonkygorgeous · 26/04/2022 17:04

I'd love this again.

I miss my mother in law so much. She was an enormous support back when I was pregnant and a new mum.

She mothered me and was a great comfort without overstepping. Which i acknowledge is quite a skill.

I had two mums, sadly I only have one now.

She's an extension of you. She is a close blood bond with your baby. She will love your baby as she loved her own. It's very special and important for the child too.

I trusted them both implicitly.

I wish others could have this with their family.

Mrsmch123 · 27/04/2022 21:37

My mil came to stay 4 days after my little one was born. She was not intrusive at all. Handed the baby over when he cried and never tried to take over at all. She was just excited to meet her grandchild. The bleeding and leaking boobs she's seen before she has four children of her own. So I had no worries there. Suppose it depends on how comfortable you are with her. I would speak up now and allow her time to book a hotel if you don't want her staying with you.

Mrsmch123 · 27/04/2022 21:39

I would say two weeks is a bit much. My mil was only here two maybe three days and that was enough. We wanted to get to know this brand new little human so we're glad when she left....in the nicest possible way.

megletthesecond · 27/04/2022 21:40

Nope. And certainly not staying in your house.