Irritated by birth considered to be an ‘experience’

[French2020]

I gave birth 10 weeks ago. I was overdue and induced for reduced movement so the labour was medicalised and ended in a forceps birth in theatre. It has taken me up until around 8 weeks to feel mostly normal and the recovery was hard, though thankfully I haven’t been left with horrific injuries. But during pregnancy I was under a ‘continuity of care team’ and their social media is full of ‘positive birth experiences.’ I was led to believe instrumental births are rate when in fact for first time births this is not the case. I wish I had been better prepared and all this talk of birth as being a magical experience is frankly unrealistic and unhelpful.

@French2020

Thanks for your comments. In my nct group, 2 others also had interventions. For me, part of the issue is social media and seeing comments like ‘wonder woman’ for women who have been lucky to have straightforward labours and births. But that’s just it, it’s luck, not that some women are better than others. Though I still feel that way. Being run down with cold while looking after a crying baby doesn’t help today. Wishing all of you good health x

Go easy on yourself. Your birth may have been more frightening, more invasive than anyone would have wanted.

But you are still a wonder woman, who grew a whole human inside you. Just stop and think about what you have achieved. The fact that you needed a bit of help to get your baby out is nothing, and in many senses much harder than a straight forward birth.
The alternatives, better or worse, aren't really worth dwelling on. Your baby is here and you are here to tell the tale. Is all that really matters.

Thank you @Dinoteeth and to others who understand.

And no, I didn’t expect it to be easy and knew the possibilities of interventions and things not going to plan. I did however expect better support from my community midwife and postnatally. This is clearly a lottery.

I think there should be much better info available to families antenatally. Having seen several friends assume
they'd have lovely natural serene births because they were fit and healthy and had done positive birth affirmations etc etc, then end up with EMCS. I got a decent book from the library (by President of RCOG) and got prepared for all eventualities. My priorities were avoiding tears, which, it turns out, are incredibly common for someone giving birth at my age.

From my local midwives there was no mention of the % that end up with forceps even though that was something I definitely wanted to avoid. And zero mention of maternal request CS. Loads of emphasis on births in the MLU (for which I was booked 'by default' even though I wanted the labour ward). I had to fight and fight to get the labour ward birth I wanted.

I was induced at 38 weeks due to GD and did go and get myself informed by going to a bumps n babes group and asking to speak to anyone who'd had an induction. That was really useful as it meant I knew to get the epidural before the drip went up. The obstetrician was also really helpful and helped me write a realistic birth plan. The midwives were absolutely useless and just bleated on about the MLU!

Completely agree with you. Birth is a trauma in one way or another. I do not know anyone who had a simple birth experience.
Antenatal classes must prepare us better, at the least, explain that interventions are normal. It must be hard for them to strike the right balance between providing info & scaring the crap out of everyone! But facts about the various types of births would be helpful. Also, better debriefs after birth.

I think the NCT is largely to blame for this romanticisation of birthing. In my opinion it is unhelpful and leads to unrealistic expectations followed by disappointment and somehow guilt and a sense of loss for many.

I get that you want support from Community MW but really they have limited time to discuss the emotional impact.

There is a reason "birth experiences" are a topic of conversation amongst new mums. It's a way of processing what happened, a way of feeling you aren't alone, everyone has a different experience the textbook, giving birth gently just doesn't exist.

Very straightforward but fast deliveries can be traumatic in a different way, getting to hospital on time or bleeding .

@simonthedog

I think the NCT is largely to blame for this romanticisation of birthing. In my opinion it is unhelpful and leads to unrealistic expectations followed by disappointment and somehow guilt and a sense of loss for many.

Yep, I agree. And the demonisation of medics and medicine. From our NCT teacher “and if a doctor comes into your labour room that will cause you to panic, your oxytocin levels to drop and your labour to stall!” Instead of “don’t panic if a doctor comes into your labour room, they’re just there to help.” I for one was delighted to see the lovely registrar who came in- it made me feel like they were keeping an eye to keep the baby and me save. As for the anaesthetist - lovely- I could have hugged her!!

NCT have done a lot of good work trying to make birth a better experience. It’s sad they seem to be getting the blame here. Their philosophy has been part of the historical move to empower women in birth. The fact we’re sat here comparing notes is because we feel we have a voice. Thanks to NCT and other similar organisations.

@RidingMyBike

I think there should be much better info available to families antenatally. Having seen several friends assume they'd have lovely natural serene births because they were fit and healthy and had done positive birth affirmations etc etc, then end up with EMCS. I got a decent book from the library (by President of RCOG) and got prepared for all eventualities. My priorities were avoiding tears, which, it turns out, are incredibly common for someone giving birth at my age.

From my local midwives there was no mention of the % that end up with forceps even though that was something I definitely wanted to avoid. And zero mention of maternal request CS. Loads of emphasis on births in the MLU (for which I was booked 'by default' even though I wanted the labour ward). I had to fight and fight to get the labour ward birth I wanted.

I was induced at 38 weeks due to GD and did go and get myself informed by going to a bumps n babes group and asking to speak to anyone who'd had an induction. That was really useful as it meant I knew to get the epidural before the drip went up. The obstetrician was also really helpful and helped me write a realistic birth plan. The midwives were absolutely useless and just bleated on about the MLU!

I also wanted the labour ward and was very categorical about it. I have a choice of two nearby trusts where I live and chose the one that has a higher level of interventions (as well as higher CQC ratings) versus the one that prides itself on keeping their C section rates down. A friend had her baby at the latter, and a few of the ways that they keep those low rates soon became apparent- not in a good way.

Also, I have a heart condition (not bad thankfully) so was assigned to the hospital midwife team. As far as I can tell they’re less MLU obsessed, anti epidural than their community counterparts. There was no attempt whatsoever to persuade me against an ELCS this time. In fact it was recommended by the perineal midwife at discharge after my first birth.

I'm with you to some extent, but what's your alternative? Signs saying: 'Welcome to our hospital, it will be grim and some of you will tear places you didn't know you had?'

I think a positive birth ethos is about focusing on what the woman experiences from her care, that's not necessarily the same thing as having 100% natural birth, it's about feeling respected and consulted and cared for. Which is an improvement on what came before - mandatory enemas and shaving, everyone expected to give birth in stirrups whether they liked it or not, routine episiotomies.

I think the NCT is quite full of damaging bollocks as well, but it's important to know what the history is. A lot of women fought hard to make sure doctors give a shit what women's experience of birth is like.

@Allaboutyou222

NCT have done a lot of good work trying to make birth a better experience. It’s sad they seem to be getting the blame here. Their philosophy has been part of the historical move to empower women in birth. The fact we’re sat here comparing notes is because we feel we have a voice. Thanks to NCT and other similar organisations.

Absolutely they have done good work, but they need to bring themselves into the 21st century and rethink some of the things they teach. Some of the “facts” most NCT teachers give about epidurals for example are no longer based on the latest research. Frightening women into suffering abject pain for no reason is not empowering them.

I went to NCT classes for 2 children. I certainly wasn’t frightened by them,

Can someone show me where their out of date information is?

My NCT teacher was amazing. Maybe it was because 2 of our group already knew they'd be having a c section, or maybe she was just great, but there was no 'natural birth or else' mantra.

She was very balanced about pain relief and told us when it would be a good idea to have an epidural right away etc.

I think it's important that women share positive birth stories. My second birth was beautiful and my first was pretty good too. It is important though to say that there is a big chunk of luck involved and there isn't a huge amount you can do to influence that.

First births are always harder because there are so many unknowns.

@Allaboutyou222 most NCT classes still teach that epidurals slow down labour and lead to a higher incidence of assisted birth. Recent research has disproved this. An example here from 5 years ago, although there are several and more recent studies:
www.rcog.org.uk/en/news/study-suggests-epidural-does-not-slow-second-stage-of-labour/
Another example of frightening women is the attitude towards induction often shown by NCT teachers: I know three different women who were so indoctrinated against inductions by NCT (awful things, terrible experience, foisted on women by evil doctors trying to mage their schedules) that they refused inductions 24 hours after their waters broke. For one labour started shortly thereafter so she was thankfully OK. But for the other 2 (one a relative) it didn't, and they and their babies ended up in hospital for a long time with severe infections.

Sorry for the double post - we were also told we couldn't and shouldn't have epidurals before 4cm. I did - after 18 hours of excruciating back to back labour, at less than 1 cm. And you know what, my body relaxed and 4 hours later I was pushing.

Well that’s anecdota. Maybe some NCT teachers have said that but There is nothing in NCT literature that supports it. In fact it all seems Very up to date.

Anecdotal.

I can fully sympathise with this if I relate it to my first traumatic (also forceps) delivery, I definitely took a while to bond with my child as it took weeks to recover too and left me with PTSD, it's hard to bond when you have zero energy and maximum pain and discomfort

fast forward to now when I have just had my second and the birth was totally different - calmer, easier and definitely more healed already (after a week) than I was in well over a month with my first, the less traumatic experience has allowed me to bond quicker and enjoy the first days which I didn't before

It's a shame the negatives always out weigh the positives but as a PP said, the joy / magical part is the outcome of your precious baby

@Allaboutyou222

Well that’s anecdota. Maybe some NCT teachers have said that but There is nothing in NCT literature that supports it. In fact it all seems Very up to date.

I’m fairly sure the NCT literature I was given did list longer second stage and higher risk of assisted birth as “cons” for epidurals.

I'd have considered being spoken to like an adult, and listened to when I voiced concerns, a positive birth experience.

It's not all about whale noises and scented candles.

I refused an epidural cos I stupidly believed being able to "feel" would help prevent tearing - not the case unfortunately and now I need surgery to repair one (one!) of my tears. Hypnobirthing and yes NCT have a lot to answer for in my case.
I'll probably never have another baby but if I did I'd go max pain relief as a minimum, most likely ELCS.
So sorry you're suffering OP, you're not alone in your feelings

See this is where info is so bad around things like epidurals. You can 'feel' with an epidural at the pushing stage - they lighten the epidural so you can feel the urge to push but not so much it's painful. Then you go with the contractions.

@Bickles

I had a magical birthing experience. ELCS. Nice and numb, music playing, the surgeons were lovely. I hope you get the same.

Same! It was absolutely lovely and the recovery was embarrassingly easy. Most painful part of the whole process was having the cannula put in my wrist - that was AGONY. I thought I was going to pass out.

I don't tell anyone my c-section was a breeze though because it sounds really dickish. I suspect people who have lovely vaginal births feel the same.

From my personal experience the reason for the higher rate of woman needing assistance comes from staff not listening when woman say they are felling this or their bodies are wanting to do this. This has a direct increase in the risk of post birth trauma and PND. Taking to people the biggest difference between a positive birth or not has nothing to do with c-section, natural, assisted but the midwive assigned to them when they go into labour.

Its all bollox. I went for an epidural for my birth because I'm a nurse and I know damned well how it goes.
There is nothing magical or great about it its just constant agony for hours on end. Why would anyone fall for all that stuff.
Just as well I did as he got stuck and my birth involved cutting me wide open, ventouse, prolapse and god knows what.
I'd have had PTSD had I not gone for the epidural.