Irritated by birth considered to be an ‘experience’

[French2020]

I gave birth 10 weeks ago. I was overdue and induced for reduced movement so the labour was medicalised and ended in a forceps birth in theatre. It has taken me up until around 8 weeks to feel mostly normal and the recovery was hard, though thankfully I haven’t been left with horrific injuries. But during pregnancy I was under a ‘continuity of care team’ and their social media is full of ‘positive birth experiences.’ I was led to believe instrumental births are rate when in fact for first time births this is not the case. I wish I had been better prepared and all this talk of birth as being a magical experience is frankly unrealistic and unhelpful.

The magical part is getting your baby at the end, the rest was most definitely an endurance test, decidedly less than magical and I have have given birth 3 times. I think a panel of about 15 mothers should be available for questions from pregnant women and not just medical staff or natural birth mystics. Then we would be much better prepared for what to expect.

My three births certainly weren't a "magical experience" either. I think a lot of bullshit is talked about it.

I loved my babies and it was all a long time ago now, but childbirth for me was messy, painful, and something to be endured rather than enjoyed. Something I was glad to put behind me once I had my final child (DD3) nearly 20 years ago now.

The most magical part of pregnancy and delivery is the part where you look back several years later and think "Thank God I got through that". I'm having my 3rd soon and if they could knock me out and deliver the baby without me knowing about any of it that would be my perfect birth "experience"

I'm so sorry you've had a rough time, I hope you find peace and regain full health x

It was a frightening experience for me and my baby sustained birth injuries which led to paralysis. I was totally unprepared for this

Well it certainly is an experience of some kind

I had a difficult Labour and delivery, which went on for nearly 40 hours. By the end I was completely out of it and missed the whole thing. I woke up 8 hours later and had to be told I had a ds.
I felt like a complete fraud for months until our NCT group reunited and three out of five of us had needed intervention. None of us was overweight, high risk, with co-morbidities etc, and our maternity unit was first class. It's just first births are often difficult. They don't all pop out like call the midwife.
Perhaps there should be a more realistic preparation, but I suppose they don't want to scare people.

God yes. NCT sold me a bunch of lies! In fact out of 6 of us in our group, 5 had EMCS and the other a 4th degree tear so definitely not the magical experience we might have expected.
My second birth was also traumatic.

I have an ELCS booked for tomorrow. Everyone I have spoken too asks if I’m excited about labour starting, I explain it’s my second and I’m having an ELCS and they tell me that’s a good idea! I’ve spoke to no mums who had the ideal first birth experience. I’m beginning to believe that it’s some kind of thing that we have all bought into, that birth is magical. It’s painful, scary and risky. I think we should be honest about it.

Experience my ass. IME, MWs involved in the birth of DC were only interested in getting the baby out even if it means butchering the mother. Facts about giving birth are covered in a veil of half truths and lies.

@Hoppinggreen

Well it certainly is an experience of some kind

It is indeed and I wouldn't call it magical although the end product is pretty awesome 😎

Thanks for your comments. In my nct group, 2 others also had interventions. For me, part of the issue is social media and seeing comments like ‘wonder woman’ for women who have been lucky to have straightforward labours and births. But that’s just it, it’s luck, not that some women are better than others. Though I still feel that way. Being run down with cold while looking after a crying baby doesn’t help today. Wishing all of you good health x

Yes. Now watch out for "yes, yes, my first birth was awful too, but then I learnt about hypnobirthing and aromatherapy and my second birth was much better, if only I had known". Second births are (generally) easier regardless. So don't let anyone tell you it would all have been better if you'd followed the fairy-lights route.
Congratulations.

I am grateful my baby did me the favour of being breech, so I could refuse the EVC ‘turning’ piss about they offered and book in for an ELCS without quibble.

Because prior to that, I was being sold the ‘birth centre experience’ and being told how nice the birthing pool would be.

Out of 7 NCT women, none of us got away with c sections, inductions or forceps, so I have no illusion that the serene birth centre experience would have happened at all.

*without

YANBU at all, I think the natural birth, hypnobirth etc obsession can do real harm to women by not preparing them at all for the realities of what can happen.

Well, it is an experience. Experiences come in all kinds. My first birth was a very powerful and positive experience, which I realise is totally U of me. But it's not like no one talks about the fact that labour hurts and can go wrong - plenty of people are totally terrified of it. I'm not sure it would exactly help to tell people that you will end up "butchered" when you have your first baby.

Three births, not one of them magical. One was ventouse + shoulder dystocia, one was induction + ventouse, one was induction + emcs + 2 litre blood loss. They were all 'experiences' but not ones I'd like to relive!

Third time around I did lots of reading about hypnobirthing etc but it doesn't mean shit when your baby's big fat head is too large to descend.

Yeah it’s fucking awful, I didn’t really know what sort of birth ‘I wanted’ which is great because I had no choice anyway. I think you need to just go with the flow and hope for the best. Definitely not magical in any way. Not for me anyway. And it’s all just luck. I couldn’t be any healthier and it was grim from start to finish. I also tell this to people now because I think they have a right to know that breathing techniques are about as much use as a chocolate fireguard when your placenta is fucked.

@Hoppinggreen

Well it certainly is an experience of some kind

I was thinking the same.

Having your child almost die inside you is definitely an experience. As is temporary facial paralysis.

Having a baby is still one of the most dangerous things a woman can do. I'm tired of people making out it's not. People tell me csections didn't happen as much in the olden days. I tell them my kids and i would have died in the olden days. Soon shuts them up.

I definitely had a “positive birth experience” on paper. 12/13 hour labour, water birth, no pain relief or interventions.

I was utterly scarred by it for well over a year. It wasn’t positive, it was brutal.

I agree. I did get a good first birth without complications and with hypnobirthing that helped. But my second was awful in terms of recovery and I’m left with prolapse, nerve damage and weakness, all of which could have been prevented if I had been offered a c section.

I am expecting my first and have been going to NCT classes. I spent 6 months each doing obstetrics and paediatrics as a junior doctor. Not long really but enough to know how horrific things can get and I work in a field now where I see women with post birth injuries/trauma physically and mentally. I'm finding it quite a difficult balance between scaring the other NCT attendees and being honest. The teacher is actually pretty balanced in her attitude, better than I had expected but there's still been a lot more emphasis on breathing, TENS etc than on intervention. Difficult to know how much to reveal tbh. I know it's not my responsibility to but I'm starting to feel like people might say afterwards 'why didn't you warn us?!'

Yes. Thank you.
I had a massively long labour and then a ventouse delivery... it was awful (getting the baby at the end is magical). What really upset me as well was how horrible the post natal wars experience was - the lack of care (I know they're short on staff) was horrific - and I got discharged after 8 hours (I was happy to go tbh, it was horrible) - but there was no time / support really in recovery after a pretty traumatic birth

I’ve had some awful births and they were an experience. I don’t see how it can’t be an experience?

Following these difficult births I was very very scared when I got pregnant again and it did help to hear people talk about their more positive births because it gave me hope. There’s a real bias toward sharing horrendous birth stories, in part because people like the OP feel judged by them. It’s partly just luck, and luck can be good as well as bad.