Irritated by birth considered to be an ‘experience’

[French2020]

I gave birth 10 weeks ago. I was overdue and induced for reduced movement so the labour was medicalised and ended in a forceps birth in theatre. It has taken me up until around 8 weeks to feel mostly normal and the recovery was hard, though thankfully I haven’t been left with horrific injuries. But during pregnancy I was under a ‘continuity of care team’ and their social media is full of ‘positive birth experiences.’ I was led to believe instrumental births are rate when in fact for first time births this is not the case. I wish I had been better prepared and all this talk of birth as being a magical experience is frankly unrealistic and unhelpful.

My first birth was very easy. I didn't go to the hospital until I was fully dilated so that made the whole experience seem quicker. She came out very easily (though it was painful) and I didn't have a single tear or graze. Yet I still told my mum it was the worst experience of my life. While holding my gorgeous newborn

Many years ago I read ‘A history of women’s bodies’ by Edward Shorter.

Edward Shorter History of women’s bodies

It was a turning point of my education, a realisation of the impact on women’s health & the long-term impact of everyday events such as menstruation & giving birth. It put some grit into some tenets of contemporary radical radicalism.

Women sometimes could not enter paid employment outside the home as they were effectively disabled by birth injuries, that offering women seats when out & about was not because of weakness due to their sex, but because of birth injury &/or copious menstruation.

There is much we take for granted with modern gynae & obstetric practices, & the risks around childbirth are much reduced but still it can be a difficult business.

Magical experience?? Wtf? Definitely not magical but nice to have a healthy baby at the end when all the real work starts!

Water births especially can be amazing experiences. To feel what it's like to give birth but also have control and be like 'I did that'. And just the physical feeling when you're dizzy and it's like being out of your body.

It's a bit annoying that people are quick to patronise those who had a good experience. Yes, it often goes wrong, but nobody is disputing that more information is a bad thing. Especially in the NHS, it should be balanced

But there you go. Most people won't even say it's positive so no reason to be annoyed. Lots of others have a bad time.

Totally agree with you. I thought there was something wrong with me when I didn't feel the magical experience everyone talks about. My first was so horrific it took me 5 years to try for another and I was never more thankful that he was breech. I had an ELCS (still a hugely non-magic experience, of course, being awake during major abdominal surgery and all that) but it was like night and day compared to my first.

Giving birth is an amazing experience but no not magical!!

I agree the whole myth of falling pregnant and having a happy healthy baby and breezing through natural birth most likely contributes massively to the PND rates.

You just need to imagine you're a dolphin, breathe deeply and turn on some electric candles, clearly you've done it all wrong

If the above fails then your only option is to spritz some lavender essential oil and speak (telepathically) to the spirits of your ancient ancestors for guidance.

I like to think my ancestors would respond with "take the drugs!"

I had a magical birthing experience. ELCS.
Nice and numb, music playing, the surgeons were lovely.
I hope you get the same.

@CommonPrimrose

I like to think my ancestors would respond with "take the drugs!"

Yep, mine certainly would given the things my grandmother used to say!

I think there’s so much bullshit around giving birth, and personally I blame social media for a fair chunk of it. All this pressure to give birth without pain relief, multiple posts praising massive long labours with no help, I don’t understand it! I believe it contributed to my pnd (ivf babies, elcs, and ff as no milk).

With the passing of time, I do think every birth is magical and an experience, but mainly because it’s individual to each woman and each child however it goes, and I secretly (in my head only!) think I’m a badass for making my little humans. I’ll never be able to understand why suffering agonising pain without pain relief for hours is seen as the gold standard of child birth though!

I think women need to be given a balanced view so that they can make informed decisions. Of course not all births (especially first ones) are wonderful, magical experiences, and it's not helpful for us to assume they will be. But there're not all awful either.

My first was not bad, considering that she was back to back, which was painful. I didn't have the water birth I wanted because things happened more quickly than the midwives had expected and there wasn't time to sort it out. I wouldn't call it magical, but it was all very straightforward.

Not surprisingly, the second time round was much easier, and I was lucky to have a water birth at home supported by a wonderful midwife.

Out of 8 in our NCT group, only one had a straight forward birth (just G&A), no interventions etc. That one wasn't me! I had a very traumatic birth (no pain relief, PPH, 3rd degree tear, back-to-back Labour, retained placenta which had to be removed under GA). My NCT leader foolishly asked our group if anyone would be willing to speak to another of her groups about the reality of birth etc. We offered, & gave them the full graphic story. NCT leader was somewhat shaken lol!
A month or so later we ran into one of the expectant couples who'd now had their baby & they thanked us for being so truthful as it gave them a much better perspective & info, & they too hadn't had a straight forward birth.

I had a birth like yours and the trauma has shaken me to the core even years later. Although I know good births do happen, I wish they would prepare new mums for the actual odds of straightforward birthday and for the idea that it might be traumatic even if run of the mill things happen.

I would say my birth was 'positive' in the sense that I had no major injury afterwards.
Was convinced I'd have a water birth and breathe out my baby.

36 hr labour with no to little dilation. Vomited all over myself and couldn't drink or wee so had to have a catheter and drip. Asked for an epidural , got one, and was also given drip to help dilation about 40 hrs in and then it was all lovely.

Then told that I still wasn't dilating quick enough so if I hadn't had baby in 30 mins I was having a c section. I didn't want one so asked them to turn down the epidural and turn up the oxytocin.

Within 20 mins was dilated and needed to push baby out.

Had a lovely midwife who then came and brought hot flannels and helped me, so I didn't have any tears at all!

*I will caveat this by saying the breathing techniques helped me push baby out at the very end (did not help at all with the 40 hrs labour), and that I may not have torn because I used an Ani-ball (think it's called that) around 35/36 weeks onwards x

I will say as well I was the lucky one from our NCT group.
We had 4 c sections and one major trauma with a lot of blood loss. The others had various interventions they didn't want.

@MuchTooTired I don’t get the aversion to pain relief either. And the irony is that many women who suffer in agony in this way see it as points scored for women’s empowerment. Whereas I fear it’s originally rooted in misogynistic attitudes like this:
amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/12/pregnancy-pain-natural-birth-yoga
Small sample: "A large number of women want to avoid pain. Some just don't fancy the pain [of childbirth]. More women should be prepared to withstand pain," he told the Observer. "Pain in labour is a purposeful, useful thing, which has quite a number of benefits, such as preparing a mother for the responsibility of nurturing a newborn baby.”
Said by a man. So shall we take a hammer to the knuckles of fathers to be to prepare them for the responsibility of looking after a baby?

My second birth really was a lovely experience that I’ll remember forever, but it was an ELCS.

My first was about as magical as having someone drive a car through my pelvic floor.

In my NCT for my first, out of a group of 9 there were no straightforward deliveries. Three third degree tears, of which I was one.

I definitely wasn’t expecting a magical experience. Who is ‘selling’ this idea? Not midwives. Even nct we’re fairly realistic. If you’re expecting something magical you haven’t prepared yourself well.

Lots of bad experiences on this thread but many people have better ones though.

I hear you! I think it's the same with anything 'woman related'. For example "getting pregnant it's a magical moment" = 1 in 4 couples deal with fertility issues, which causes them trauma and stress. Or birth stories like you said. Or even motherhood itself! They make it out to be all so happy, smiley and magical. Oh and the 'family'... Every morning the perfect couple wakes up with their wonderful smiley, polite kids, that can't wait to go to school, and have breakfast again, smiling a lot...

I agree with you OP, we need to be better prepared, we need to be able to express that not all aspects are 'magical' and that's okay.

Sorry it turned out into a rant
Thanks for reading x

@BessAndCress

Yes. Now watch out for "yes, yes, my first birth was awful too, but then I learnt about hypnobirthing and aromatherapy and my second birth was much better, if only I had known". Second births are (generally) easier regardless. So don't let anyone tell you it would all have been better if you'd followed the fairy-lights route. Congratulations.

I was told it's easier second time round etc. But for me, my 2nd and 3rd deliveries were each harder/worse than the last! I was fortunate to have a pretty textbook labour with my first - I was 39 weeks, my waters broke at 8.30am, contractions started around 10/10.30am and I gave birth at 7.30pm. So it was a massive, massive shock when it all felt much, much harder the next 2!

I think calling birth an experience isn’t a problem as long as it’s acknowledged that experiences can range from the completely magical to the darkest most traumatic experience of your life and realising that most people will fall somewhere into the middle and what leaves one person traumatised will not traumatise another.

it’s selling the fairly lights and dark rooms and “it’s not meant to hurt” bullshit that really underserves women and leaves them unprepared.

I had a traumatic first birth experience due to a late transfer to labour ward after 35 hours and heart decelerations when there. My pushing stage was 15 mins with a ventouse. We where both fine afterward but the final stage was so fast frightening and out of control that I didn’t bond with my baby for 4/5 months and suffered awful anxiety for over a year. I still feel like my bond with him is damaged.

My second birth was on paper more traumatic (I was terrified of the hospital so had a home birth) but the midwives didn’t arrive until a few mins after he was born so zero pain relief no support other than dp who was dashing about filling a pool and things could have gone wrong but they didn’t.
It was hard but it was also amazing. I felt safe and confident the whole time in my own space -yes it fucking hurt but in a productive way.
I could almost say it was enjoyable and I bonded immediately with my baby.

We shouldn’t just be sold the magical fairly lights perfect births. Because that probably won’t happen

I think the magical part is when the pain is away and you realise you have survived the sense of being ripped apart!
I read somewhere that that look of happyness/relief and wonder you see in faces of new mothers is more not unsimilar to the expression who have escaped a horrible fire or accident alive.....
I had six relatively easy births and yes it got easier the more often I did it but still whoever described it as an orgasmic experience must habe a very strange sex life.
And agree, the first time, following the usual nct group stuff, I was certainly expecting some flowery floating around nonsense and not the brutality childbirth actually is.

I think it's also important not to encourage people with the belief that you get to choose your birth experience. At best you can have some preferences and can of course refuse medical advice but you don't get to choose how it goes.