Irritated by birth considered to be an ‘experience’

[French2020]

I gave birth 10 weeks ago. I was overdue and induced for reduced movement so the labour was medicalised and ended in a forceps birth in theatre. It has taken me up until around 8 weeks to feel mostly normal and the recovery was hard, though thankfully I haven’t been left with horrific injuries. But during pregnancy I was under a ‘continuity of care team’ and their social media is full of ‘positive birth experiences.’ I was led to believe instrumental births are rate when in fact for first time births this is not the case. I wish I had been better prepared and all this talk of birth as being a magical experience is frankly unrealistic and unhelpful.

We should be prepared for bad outcomes, doesn't mean good experiences don't happen, does it

Even my first that was a natural birth and painful recovery was fab. Medicalised second also good as excellent recovery and epidural.

If anything were told birth is the 'worst pain ever' which has not been my experience at all. I expected it to be horrendous

I had a straight forward birth, so straight forward in fact I had to be blue lighted into hospital (the midwife left me too long at home, then when my waters broke there was meconium in it) the ambulance nearly hit a car which meant the paramedic nearly ended up with his head in my vagina, I had no meds and gave birth in the hallway in a&e.. The only magical thing about it is that 14 years later I have a funny story to tell and I never ever have to go through it again.

YANBU at all OP and hope you and baby are well.
I’ve had two natural deliveries, first quite medicalised but no issues and the second a ‘perfect’ water birth in and out in 5 hours no painkillers no intervention. Both were an experience as I got my beautiful children but when I see friends upset at having intervention or a section it breaks my heart. The water birth was…fine. It was birth!! It hurt like mad and afterwards I was all wet and had to get out and wobble over to the bed and it was weird and annoying. It was not some magical beautiful moment- it was real life.
We need to move away from natural is always best and be honest and open about motherhood and birth/post partum. We need to be genuinely inclusive of mothers who choose or need c sections/formula feed etc etc. The priority should be the mothers health, both physical and mental- if that is looked after the baby will generally thrive.
Move away from social media and the natural tribe pushing guilt on you for needing modern intervention. Whatever is best for you and your family is what’s right.

I find it hard to see how anyone can describe giving birth as a pleasant experience. I had a pretty good first labour but ended up with a bad tear requiring reconstructive surgery. It was still bloody painful though and I felt pretty helpless and despairing at times. My second was a traumatic experience for a number of reasons. I just wish they'd stop peddling this nonsense about birth being a wonderful positive experience because it really isn't. The cynic in me thinks it is to stop women asking for C sections - its cheaper to let us suffer and then suffer from the consequences - often for years.

Who are these people talking about positive birth experiences?! All I heard were horror stories, to the point where I had a c-section for tokophobia (extreme fear of childbirth). I was absolutely certain my baby would die if I didn’t. Maybe it really varies depending on who you talk to?

No gas and air. It ran out. Not enough midwives to go fetch a new one.
A tear. Baby delivered.
Massive bleeding afterwards requiring various faffing about and injections.
Stitches applied in front of what felt like an entire stand of football supporters and STILL they used the wrong thread. Was told they were dissolvable.
Two weeks after I had to beg the midwife to look at it as I was in constant pain, unable to rest in any position. Wrong thread had been used and it had to be cut out.
About as unmagical as it can get without any serious risk to anyone involved.

I'm 50/50 on this as my first was very similar to Yours and for a while I felt angry and let down that no one warned me this was a likely outcome of being induced with my first. But with my second it really was magical and probably the best experience of my life. I know what you mean though it is sold to you as this
Wonderful experience and when it's your first it can be disappointing when it doesn't work out

Totally agree. And I had what most people aspire two in that they were both water births with no drugs (not due to any specific desire for the latter, just one mega quick and in midwife led unit because I am so far from a hospital).
The reality was I was still quite out of it. It was a blur. I remember vividly the pool looking like a grim bloody swamp, trying not to drown a slippy baby in it because I couldn't sit and then how un dignified getting over the side was. Then having my legs in stirrups to be extensively stitched while wondering if this was how the mythical golden hour was expected to be spent.

The best part of my birth experience was eating a whole box of malteasers in my bed afterwards having felt sick for nine months. Does that count?

I would say that my last birth was pretty magical but.........

she was my 6th so the exit route had already been well prepared!
I knew a) what I was doing and b) what to expect so there was no shocks in store as it was a normal birth.
And I was at home with the undivided attention of two excellent midwives. Comparing that to being in hospital with staff who were over worked as there simply werent enough of them, it made a massive difference to how I coped. In hospital I was desperate for an epidural because I was left to manage on my own and it made the pain seem worse. With #6, even though her birth was by far the longest (twice as long as my first, litte bugger) and very painful, I managed with gas and air and lots of encouragement. Compare that to my third birth with left me with severe PTSD.

I think a lot of the problems that women experience in birth is because of understaffing so rather than, as happened to me at home, keeping an eye on women and helping head off problems before they happen, its all about fire fighting. Its not until a problem occurs and then escalates that anyone steps in, by which time its far more likely to end in interventions and a crash c section which is traumatising for all concerned.

Funding for maternity services is disgraceful but as with all things, male MPs dont feel the need to change anything that doesnt directly affect them. We all know, for example, that if men had periods then san pro would be free!

Quit while you're ahead, HungryCaterpillar! I had one strangely pleasant 'birth experience' bracketed by two equally grim ones (though the end product is indeed rather nice).

Based on my own peer group I think this attitude of only focusing on the positive does more harm than good.

@Gazorpazorp

Who are these people talking about positive birth experiences?! All I heard were horror stories, to the point where I had a c-section for tokophobia (extreme fear of childbirth). I was absolutely certain my baby would die if I didn’t. Maybe it really varies depending on who you talk to?

I agree with that too, actually. I think we seek out information to confirm our biases. And there's a divide between the public face of birth - people trying to flog things, essentially - and the women driven to process traumatic experiences on message boards. I got scared of it from reading a traumatic account early on, and so I wanted to read about real experiences, the doulas and hypno influencer types made no impact on me. But the real experiences that I read about were skewed towards the traumatic, because not many people go online to tell strangers that they had an OK birth.

Completely agree. There were 6 in our NCT group - one planned C Section (twins); one EMCS; two third degree tears plus episiotomies (me and anther girl); one episiotomy; ONE no interventions. Of course the NCT teacher was congratulating the non intervention girl at our reunion because it was supposedly all to do with the hypnobirthing course she did (with said teacher). I love my NCT friends dearly, all of them, so I bit my tongue and did not say to the teacher "erm, more likely her baby was in the right position!!"
Of the two of us with third degree tears: I had failed ventouse, forceps, episiotomy and a massive PPH. Looks like I might have been having a placental abruption. My bladder then basically stopped working - probably bruising and some nerve damage. It recovered slowly but I went home with a catheter and leg bag and no one could tell me if I was going to go back for normal. Me, hopeful: "I'm not looking at life long incontinence, am I?"; Consultant, not knowing where to look: "Erm, we don't know." I was back and forth to the hospital the next few days and readmitted for a night. my stitches then got infected and gaped. It took me 3 months to be able to sit without a gutter cushion.
My other NCT friend with similar injuries had it worse from my point of view: the first she knew of her baby's birth was hearing "she's not breathing". Thankfully the baby was fine. Friend had her second birth recently and went for vaginal: it did not go well. I'm having an ELCS this summer.
I'd add that none of this was the fault of the medical team, who were brilliant and had great beside manner. Hence I didn't find the birth traumatic (more so the recovery, largely because I just wanted to care for my lovely baby and not worry about all these multiple physical issues). It's just one of those things; as you say, no one prepares you for the reality of what birth can be - utter carnage.

@French2020

I gave birth 10 weeks ago. I was overdue and induced for reduced movement so the labour was medicalised and ended in a forceps birth in theatre. It has taken me up until around 8 weeks to feel mostly normal and the recovery was hard, though thankfully I haven’t been left with horrific injuries. But during pregnancy I was under a ‘continuity of care team’ and their social media is full of ‘positive birth experiences.’ I was led to believe instrumental births are rate when in fact for first time births this is not the case. I wish I had been better prepared and all this talk of birth as being a magical experience is frankly unrealistic and unhelpful.

Couldn’t agree more. And when people say that you soon forget the pain?? I still remember it clearly and my children are 30 and 24!

@BessAndCress Mine wasn’t actually from ill-advised Googling - it was from people I knew! Charmers!

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby and secondly, I am sorry your recovery has taken a while.

Did you really think interventions are rare?

Surely your source of information wasn't entirely social media.

not many people go online to tell strangers that they had an OK birth.

And if you did have a good, great even, birth, don't expect to get thanked if you do talk about it.

I don't really see that our discourse around birth can be more balanced, on the whole, than it is. Unless you decide to throw up your hands and give everyone sections, which has massive implications for population health.

@TheOrigRights so many of the stats on intervention don't separate first time mothers, for which they are even more frequent. Just like a lot of stats about C Sections conflate electives and EMCS and make electives look riskier. I recently learned to my surprise that many studies (if not most?) don't count vaginal deliveries that ended in EMCS as "vaginal" for risk purposes. I'm not sure women are being given an accurate picture of the pros and cons for both options.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/feb/13/caesareans-or-vaginal-births-should-mothers-or-medics-have-the-final-say

@Hoppinggreen

Well it certainly is an experience of some kind

I'd agree with that. It's something most women will only do once or twice and something that you'll never forget.

Define positive, both of you coming out alive?

We are almost immune to hearing about stuff going seriously wrong because we have access to amazing medical teams and modern meds.

There is a fine line between preparing someone for the reality of birth and frightening them.

My grandmother, mother and aunts would always chime after a birth that ended with mother and baby okay, "well, that's a good job done."
So my sense was always it was probably a bit of a trial iyswim.

I agree, I think generally us women aren't educated enough on how different, difficult and dangerous birth can be. There should be more done to educate about everything from the magical hypnobirths to the emergency csections under general.

But also every birth IS an experience whether good or bad and you can only ever experience every birth once

It is an experience, be it a good one,or an awful bad one. I think a lot of people like to discuss these things about births that they have experienced. Moreso these days,, as opposed to say me. My two children were born in the mid 70's. the days when there were no scans at all. just a quick visit to see a nurse every few weeks, to just check your weight, take a urine sample, and to check your stomach visually to try and assertain if the baby placed ok inside.

My first born, a Son, was after a 48 hour in labour, and a horrible painful birth., which I quite got over very quickly, after having stitches.

I gave birth in an old fashioned maternity home, and they liked you to stay in there for a week or more,, which was really nice, they frowned on women who wanted to scoot off after a few hours.. After a few days I felt like i was on holiday, time to get used to my baby, good meals served up, and go and chat to any new mothers etc.. i went home from there after all this time, all very relaxed and ready for anything.

My late Husband had a nice break for a week or so, and went back to work then, there was no paternity leave in those days.

Sometimes it is OK and feels magical once the baby has safely arrived. I had two babies with only gas and air, the first was a very long slow labour and got a bit fraught, but he made an appearance in the end after nearly 24 hours. Being in a supported squat I got to see him before anyone else and just the experience of his eyes looking up at me made all the pain (and all the stitches that followed) so worth it. Second time, like a lot of us, it was all very quick and relatively easy, a home birth. I was very fortunate both times and all in all magical experiences. looking back over the years and what happened to friends of mine I'd say about 50% of experiences were like mine and maybe 20% pretty bad.