Had a Cesarean, feel like less of a mum

[kingfisher657]

DS was born 9 weeks ago. Every day I am overwhelmed with love for him. And every day I spend at least a few hours feeling awful about the way he was born.

There are many parts of it I feel upset about, but what seems to be bothering me the most is the emergency Cesarean. Or rather, the loss of a vaginal birth (as the Cesarean itself was fine really). After 12 hours of strong contractions I was still only 3cm, and then my waters broke and he suddenly went into distress. Severe cord compression, they said - he was all tangled up, in a way that also prevented me from dilating as he couldn't fully descend. So it all makes sense, but I still feel awful.

I don't think I realised how much I wanted a vaginal birth until it didn't happen. It doesn't seem like a particularly pleasant thing to do, but it's a thing I always expected I would do, and was always curious about. I think I bought into the idea that birth is an achievement, and that birth is the best day of your life, a little too much.

And now I just can't shake the feeling that I am a failure and a fraud. I know rationally that it wasn't my fault, but I feel awful that I never pushed my baby out. I'm also not sure that I "really" went through labour, as I'm so hung up on the number of centimetres - as if I score 3/10, or something. I realise that I'm being very unkind to myself. But I look at all the other mums at NCT and yoga, and feel like they've been through something profound that I haven't. I feel like less of a mum than all of them.

Everyone says these feelings will fade, but so far they haven't. I'm on a waiting list for NHS trauma counselling - they say I have borderline PTSD. I hope so much that this helps me, as I am so so sick of feeling this way. I just want to enjoy DS without being overwhelmed with these awful feelings every time I have a moment to myself.

I know very few people in real life who had Cesareans, and most of those had planned sections which they describe with adjectives like "calm" and "positive" - pretty far from my experience! Is there anyone here who has felt the same as me after an emergency section? How did you feel better about yourself, or did it never really go away?

well, without a CS my baby dd would have died

Ultimately this is the key point. Sometimes there's a damn good reason our body says No, Baby not being squeezed out the hole. Your baby was tangled, he needed gently rescuing. Mine had a liver in his lung cavity, he needed to not be squeezed about. Sometimes our bodies do their job by seemingly failing to do it

Sometimes our bodies do their job by seemingly failing to do it

This is so true @SleepingStandingUp.

I’ve always known I’d have a section due to an overwhelming fear of birth. Firstly, well done for attempting it! You’re a million times braver than I am 😅

I spent half my pregnancy worrying about getting the c-section approved and the other half worrying what other people would say/think about the fact I had a section. Would they ask why I had a section? What was I going to say? So many questions went round and round in my head about it all. To me it isn’t any less of a way to give birth, I was just worried about other people’s opinions on it because I know what the stereotypes and old fashioned views are on sections (especially for no medical reason).

When it came to it I was so incredibly proud of myself and loved my baby so much that I had decided if anyone asked I’d just tell them why I had it. In the end up, not a single soul has asked me about it. No one cares! I had really built it up that everyone was going to be asking me why and how I had one, but they haven’t at all. It’s just a way of getting your baby out your body, the same as giving birth vaginally is, whether you choose it or not. Be proud of yourself for creating such an incredible human being and looking after them so well. It won’t matter at all in the long run. Hope you manage to get some counseling if that’s what you need x

You are not less of a mum, the very first opportunity you had to do right by your baby you did, you got them here safely. You didn't hang on to the notion of the ideal birth and risk them dying or having lifelong issues due to oxygen deprivation at birth, you got your baby here.

I have no clue how any of my kids friends were born, or my friends, it's not a conversation you have past the baby stage. I do know that 6 of the 8 of my NCT group had a natural birth because we were in that stage, and 5 of those 6 have issues with bladder weakness or a prolapse even years later, where as the 2 with only c-sections had a harder first few weeks, but neither have any ongoing issues beyond the usual stretch marks. Bluntly I would pick being able to go on the trampoline with my child without worrying I'm going to wet myself over a birth style that they won't ever remember or care about.

Those feelings will pass, if you have more you can always try for a vbac if you want the vaginal birth experience. It really doesn't matter how you deliver though, most important thing is getting baby out safely.

I had 3 vaginal births, elcs with breech twins and semi-elective cesarean with our newborn as I went in to labour a day earlier than booked elcs. Most recent was rough, I had scar rupture from contractions with big baby (10lb 15oz), it was rough and I was unwell after as I had heavy blood loss but all I cared about was her being safe.
Never felt less in any way having cs over vb, still carried babies to term (some very big pregnancies, got twins too). I did feel a failure after my miscarriages which is silly but you can't help it when things don't go as you hope.

You are not less of a mum.

It will always be something, if you had a vaginal birth it would be did you have pain relief, intervention or the worst of all induction (both mine were induced and people have a bizarre view on that). Then onto did you breast feed what are you feeding them. You can't win.

I have had to realise I can change certain things and I've come to peace with my choices

Can't change*

Congratulations !
Please don't let this spoil such a precious , special time in your life.
Speaking as a mom of 3 if they said they were going to extricate the baby from my ear i would have said go ahead feel free !
Giving birth vaginally is not much fun and there are plenty of moments through out that were pretty traumatic ,stressful ,horrible , i could go on !
To me what matters is that the baby is here ,safe and well in your arms ,ready to start a little life full of love and wonder , and that you are safe and well too.
I really hope you start to see things differently and feel better soon .

"but it's a thing I always expected I would do, and was always curious about. I think I bought into the idea that birth is an achievement, and that birth is the best day of your life, a little too much. "

I'm 25 weeks pregnant, my first pregnancy, and this part of your OP really made me think. I have absolutely no idea what childbirth will be like FOR ME. Other people's experiences are interesting, but no two experiences could ever be the same. For me, the birth is a means to an end. It will likely be painful, tiring and quite frankly horrendous. But all I'm looking for is for the two of us to come out of it the other side.

As for birth being an achievement, I can't relate to that feeling at all. It would be like rating my own performance when stricken with flu. Surely you just do what you need to do to get through it.

Just noticed I repeated myself more than once, damn this sleep deprivation lol

I hear you. It wasn't what you expected.

The alternative? You refused the section because you wanted your ideal vaginal birth. Your baby was born needing full resus which was unsuccessful due to the prolonged pathological CTG which caused hypoxia which was left untreated at maternal request.

They either get a heart beat or don't. If they don't they you have a stillbirth. If they do you have an intubated baby on NICU with little to no brain activity following head CT. You then have to make a decision no parent should have to make. Or the doctors do, due to the safeguarding concerns raised during your labour and delivery, you didn't prioritise the needs of your unborn baby.

That's the medical alternative. I really hope that doesn't make you feel worse, sorry if it has. Sometimes it helps to hear it black and white.

Your decision to go for section saved your baby's life, the first decision you ever made for him was a selfless one. You put your own wishes to one side, to help your baby. I think you did a wonderful job and that he's very lucky to have you as his mummy.

Counselling will help you my love.
Take care

Massive congrats on your new arrival.

I had a very similar situation. I was induced at 42 weeks because of lots of horror stories. I also only dilated to 3cm after 12 hours of labour and ended up in surgery, something I had always feared. I too felt cheated of a natural birth and had sucked too much Copland with regard to birth plans etc. I felt terrible about it for a few months.

My ds is now 20 months and I hardly think of it now. I was lucky to have a debrief with the midwife to explain all decisions and that helped a bit. But mostly just time and space and so many other happy memories are between me and the c section. I still hope to have a vbac but am also clear that birth is chaotic and dangerous. I won’t be pressured into an induction again though, for sure.

It’s early days. Give it time. Talk, cry, get some scar massage and know that you are that dc’s world. He relies on you. You made him. Be proud xxx

I have a DS (4) and a DD (8 weeks) and ended up with EMCS with both. I really hoped for a vaginal birth with DD and cried when they told me I needed a section. I felt like you did - my family is complete now and I'll never know what it was like to have a natural birth. But you know, having a full on abdominal operation while awake where they lift a baby out of you at the end is a totally profound experience too!

Also, a friend came to my house and started telling me about her second degree tears and 'lots of lacerations' and actually I'm pretty glad I've got 2 lovely children and have never had to suffer from a torn vagina or piles or post birth incontinence or a prolapse.

NCT has a lot to answer for and all their bullshit. I made some short lived friendships but think generally I would have done a whole lot better accepting my emcs without it. I had an elective section with my second. Far less traumatic

@BastardMonkfish - - When anyone tells you about their lacerations - tell them about your deep abdominal stitches and watching people all shortly after birth walk out whilst you are hobbling to the loo / shower. & the waiting and waiting for it all to happen with the contractions.

Honestly , as was my doctor , I have limited patience who prioritise their feelings over getting out the best baby you can . Do the best you can and then just go with what is required.

Years on I suspect you won't give it a minute's thought - ( I hope not )

I do not mean to sound harsh @kingfisher657 - really not. & your feelings are your own . So I cannot disagree. But Congratulations on you baby - how lovely to hear he is here

Thank you again everyone - your messages have really helped me. I am reminding myself to be proud of what I went through for him. Especially since I accepted the section with absolutely zero hesitation - in fact I was asking the doctors to do a section even before they thought it was necessary - it was clear to me that DS wasn't okay and I wanted him out and safe as soon as possible. And of course I have never regretted that - there was no other way for us both to come out of it alive and healthy. I just wish it hadn't come to that, I desperately wish I could somehow go back in time and stop him getting tangled, and then it might have all been different.

It's been an easier few days, especially since DS is now holding his head up which is particularly cute!! Feeling hopeful that over time it will continue to get easier.

@kingfisher657

Thank you again everyone - your messages have really helped me. I am reminding myself to be proud of what I went through for him. Especially since I accepted the section with absolutely zero hesitation - in fact I was asking the doctors to do a section even before they thought it was necessary - it was clear to me that DS wasn't okay and I wanted him out and safe as soon as possible. And of course I have never regretted that - there was no other way for us both to come out of it alive and healthy. I just wish it hadn't come to that, I desperately wish I could somehow go back in time and stop him getting tangled, and then it might have all been different.

It's been an easier few days, especially since DS is now holding his head up which is particularly cute!! Feeling hopeful that over time it will continue to get easier.

@kingfisher657 DD is just starting that too, and she's having little chats with us. There's something about a little baby telling you 'ungoo' very seriously then breaking into a beaming smile that just melts your heart!

@BastardMonkfish Oh what a darling!!