Had a Cesarean, feel like less of a mum

[kingfisher657]

DS was born 9 weeks ago. Every day I am overwhelmed with love for him. And every day I spend at least a few hours feeling awful about the way he was born.

There are many parts of it I feel upset about, but what seems to be bothering me the most is the emergency Cesarean. Or rather, the loss of a vaginal birth (as the Cesarean itself was fine really). After 12 hours of strong contractions I was still only 3cm, and then my waters broke and he suddenly went into distress. Severe cord compression, they said - he was all tangled up, in a way that also prevented me from dilating as he couldn't fully descend. So it all makes sense, but I still feel awful.

I don't think I realised how much I wanted a vaginal birth until it didn't happen. It doesn't seem like a particularly pleasant thing to do, but it's a thing I always expected I would do, and was always curious about. I think I bought into the idea that birth is an achievement, and that birth is the best day of your life, a little too much.

And now I just can't shake the feeling that I am a failure and a fraud. I know rationally that it wasn't my fault, but I feel awful that I never pushed my baby out. I'm also not sure that I "really" went through labour, as I'm so hung up on the number of centimetres - as if I score 3/10, or something. I realise that I'm being very unkind to myself. But I look at all the other mums at NCT and yoga, and feel like they've been through something profound that I haven't. I feel like less of a mum than all of them.

Everyone says these feelings will fade, but so far they haven't. I'm on a waiting list for NHS trauma counselling - they say I have borderline PTSD. I hope so much that this helps me, as I am so so sick of feeling this way. I just want to enjoy DS without being overwhelmed with these awful feelings every time I have a moment to myself.

I know very few people in real life who had Cesareans, and most of those had planned sections which they describe with adjectives like "calm" and "positive" - pretty far from my experience! Is there anyone here who has felt the same as me after an emergency section? How did you feel better about yourself, or did it never really go away?

I had a drug free vaginal birth with my first and it took me so long to crack on with it that he went into distress, became septic, my first pictures of him he is covered in monitoring, iv and arterial lines, and his first week was spent in SCBU being scanned and having samples taken.
.I beat myself up for approximately 18 months. If I'd only taken some pain meds maybe he'd have come quicker, if id just gone to a more clinical setting they might have monitored, if id just insisted on this, that, whatever.

The guilt after birth is huge and real and common. I don't think it matters how you do it you'll beat yourself up about it somehow.

Unfortunately there's always guilt about something or other with the kids but at least I'm over the birth

I hope you get the help you need. I think this isn’t just about the c section and there might be other issues. I’m not sure what feeling like a real mum feels like but if you’re the child’s mum and taking care of them then you’re a real mum.

Anyone who judges a woman for having a c section is an idiot and not worth your time.

Whaaaat. As someone who desperately wishes they had c sections instead of natural births i find this mind boggling! Vaginal birth has given me nothing but an onslaught of problems which require surgery and physio.

Also I was born via emergency c section, if it had been vaginal birth I'd be dead, and so would my mum most likely. So thank god we have c sections available for those who need. It does NOT make you less of a mother, whatsoever. It just means you have avoided some of the absolutely awful side effects of natural birth.

This drives me fucking loopy. So you'd be more of a mother if you'd refused a section and let your baby die? It's LUCK. Some births are straightforward and others require more interventions. You gave birth to a baby. You are a mother.

And see all these social media posts: 'she was a superstar. She got through on just gas and air.' Woop woop. A doctor cut me open to get my baby out. Does that mean I don't deserve the baby??

Aaand breathe.

Also people who bleat on about how “empowering” etc their natural birth was are boring as fuck and need to get some new hobbies and interests to discuss.

OP, you might not have experienced vaginal birthgiving, but at least you also didn't experience tearing/episiotomy/pelvic floor damage resulting in prolapse, incontinence, painful sex forever, ripping your clit in two (apparently possible)

Don't get sucked up in the martyrdom movement. You did what was best for you and your baby and nothing else matters. Don't give it a second thought.

It will pass OP. I have had two c sections and never given birth 'naturally'. I am very much a real mother to my two boys.

My eldest was born by emergency csection in quite similar circumstances to your own. I am quite open and matter of fact about it now. I had an induction. The contractions were too strong on the drip. He was in an awkward position and ended up in distress as a result. It was all very scary at the time. I thought he would die.

I can't say one thing on it's own helped. Time definitely helped. My eldest is 8YO now. I fell pregnant with my second after 18 months and having the meetings about my birth plan for him were very helpful. I finally fully understood everything that happened when he was born, realised none of it was my fault and accepted that because of his position, he wouldn't have been able to come out any way other than csection. I did go onto have an elective section with my second child and it helped to have a positive birth experience. (The pregnancy was less positive TBH).

I have had counselling on and off as well. It helped me to talk to people in real life about what happened too. My DH never really told people much of what happened at the time and they didn't really understand. I was too out of it at the time TBH to explain. But after I spoke to them, they understood just how difficult what I'd gone through was.

I had never been to hospital in my life before having kids and suddenly being cut in half was a huge shock to me. People do have misconceptions about csections and I make sure that anyone with anything negative to say is under no illusions of csections being the easy option.

But as your kids grow up and you move away from the competitive parenting of the baby stage, no one cares how they were born or how they were fed or when the started walking etc. All they see is the child they are now. And that's all that matters.

Giving birth isn’t some life changing wonderful profound experience - the whole brand new tiny person is, but not giving birth.

@Haudyourwheesht indeed, when people say crap like “oh I didn’t need any drugs at all!” I like to say “I had major abdominal surgery so I needed a couple of paracetamol to take the edge off” 👍

I had an emergency c section. Can’t say it bothered me. I have all the advantages of having a baby without the disadvantages of vaginal birth. My vagina is still in its pre-childbirth state, it’s not like a wizard’s sleeve and I don’t piss myself. And I still have a child. Lovely jubbly, can’t see anything to complain about tbh.

@kingfisher657 I promise you, if you read this thread you will never again regret not experiencing the "miracle" of "natural" childbirth

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/4302468-Guest-post-Women-are-expected-to-go-home-with-life-changing-injuries-after-giving-birth-and-just-get-on-with-it

I have a child who is the centre of my world. I love them with every part of my being. I care for them every day, soothe them when they fall over, sing them to sleep, and share their moments of joy. In return, I am the centre of their world and they adore me, telling me every day that I’m the best mummy in the world. I adopted my child so I didn’t give birth to them. If I asked you if that makes me less of a mum, I would hope you say that it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how our children arrive, all that matters is the we love and nurture them.

Congratulations on your baby OP.

I had a vaginal birth for twins, it was forceps and as soon as I could I had an epidural. I was made to feel like a fraud by some people because I didn't have a "natural birth" i.e I had an epidural, pethidine and forceps. Just saying this to highlight that even if you do have a vaginal birth you can still be brought down by people who have their own fantastical ideas of what birth should be like.

I say fuck em, eventually the thoughts will fade and I hope you get some help and relief during your counselling. You're just as much of a mum as anyone else

I had dreamed of doing the whole pushing a baby out thing for years - you watch and hear so many stories about it being a profound experience. So when I was told I had placenta previa and would need a planned C section I was upset for a few months...until I was told just before the birth all was OK and I could have a natural birth and then I was freaked out because I had not done any prep!
In the end I had an emergency C section. Yes in part I was disappointed and even more so when we realised we were not going to have any more children that meant I was never going to give birth naturally....but to be honest years in when the other mums open up to you about their weak pelvic floors - the wee when you laugh sort of thing or they tell you of their terrible tears that have meant sex was not the same...I have been secretly glad I had a C section in the end. The only thing is worth considering baby friendly bacteria as not going through the birth canal means the baby didn't get some of their friendly bacteria from you (or maybe its their won bacteria was not challenged in a way it was meant to be).

Well, you let go of your own wants and experiences to do what was right for your baby. So I would say that makes you an excellent mother already.

Secondly; I think when people imagine a vaginal birth they think of the moment when the baby slips out, in a dimly lit room, dad looking proudly on & mum in tears of joy. Well for me it was in stirrups and drugged to the eyeballs, after several days of no sleep, with a room full of medical staff & a song that really annoys me on the radio 😉 sadly I don’t actually remember that moment clearly for the aforementioned reasons. Also because the pain was so bad I thought I would black out. I’ve been quite jealous since of ladies who had c-sections (as long as they went smoothly) because I imagine being present in the moment, out of pain & able to anticipate the second you meet your little bundle rather than screaming the place down.

It’s all swings and roundabouts isn’t it? Congrats on your baby!

I had an EMCS and I don't really think about it tbh apart from a 'I'm so grateful as my baby almost died' feeling. I wonder if you're fixated onto the c-section as an outlet/reason when it's really some postnatal anxiety or depression. Spending hours a day thinking about it or feeling awful about it isn't normal.

Your body grew a person. A little human being. It needed a bit of help for then to come out, but it made a life. That is the important bit. And for every woman who wishes they had a vaginal birth, there's probably a woman somewhere else who wishes they didn't, because life is just like that. Focus on your baby, talk to your HV or GP, and realise that it isn't important how they come out; it's what you do when they're here that matters.

@AlphabetAerobics

Stop hanging out with judgemental dull witches with PFB-syndrome.

Your boobs and vagina have NOTHING to do with being a ‘good parent’.

My kids are older now but if anyone asked about their births/bf I’d assume they had a screw loose.

The only people using this crap as a badge of honour are insecure new mums.

Er... the only person giving the OP a hard time is the OP herself. No one else seems to have said anything' it's all in her head.

OP, I understand you and your feelings are valid. Some of the replies here are unnecessarily harsh and lacking empathy.

This is still so raw and new for you only 9 weeks in, and at this stage I know the subject of ‘what sort of birth did you have’ seems to come up daily but as a PP said things really will move on. I felt for years that I had failed at the first hurdle and that I wasn’t a proper mother because I ended up having an emcs. I still don’t say I ‘gave birth’ because I don’t feel that I did… but the intensity of that feeling has faded. Give yourself time to process it all and try to reframe things in your mind, but do seek counselling if you’re still finding it difficult in a few months. I wish I had done.

OP no amount of people telling you that you are not "less of a mum" because you has a c-section is going to help really. You need to work through your feelings and come to that conclusion yourself. I suspect, deep down, you know it isn't the case but you just need to get rid of the (metaphorical!) nagging devil sitting on your shoulder and whispering negative things in your ear.

Your baby was born in the way that kept him safe. That is all that matters. Enjoy him. I hope the counselling helps.

I had an emergency C-section and have only ever felt relief for not having to squeeze my baby out through my vagina!
No-one asks or is remotely interested once you're out of the baby stage
Even my midwife commented when she visited us post birth that the section was a blessing. She looked at DD's shoulders and said it was likely that a vaginal birth would have damaged us both.
When you're newer to this Mum lark these 'milestones' can seem hugely important. But being a good Mum is a long haul job. Be kind to yourself.

I had a Cs - before I went into hospital to have DC my lovely dr said - you have one job - do whatever you need to give your baby the best chance " don't come whinging to me if you need an intervention " ( I knew her and she did not say it unkindly ) did similarly , induction 20 hours labour ( eventually an epidural and then a CS.

I would ignore any of those comments . You have done well. 12 hours of strong contractions - ha if anyone told me that wasn't giving birth they would either be ignored or the sharp side of my tongue

I wish you well & I hope you will forget it - I was more grateful I was with people who knew what to do rather than worrying about smelling lavender oil and whale music ( that last was a joke obviously )

I had 2 VB, and seriously, there was nothing profound about it!!

You had a baby, you are a mum - you adopt a baby you are a mum, like pp say - no one cares how you got your baby out - no one is asking me how i gave birth to my DC, no one cares

I had an emergency c section. Can’t say it bothered me. I have all the advantages of having a baby without the disadvantages of vaginal birth. My vagina is still in its pre-childbirth state, it’s not like a wizard’s sleeve and I don’t piss myself. And I still have a child. Lovely jubbly, can’t see anything to complain about tbh

This!! I would literally give my left leg if it meant I could have my pre baby vagina back 🤣😭

I had 2 emergency caesareans. They meant that both I and the children were healthy and alive. Surely that’s the most important thing?

I’d planned a water home birth for the second, but it was not to be. It’s done and gone.

Honestly, the reason you feel like this is because we are sold a lie about birthing.
I had what you are probably wishing you had, two natural births in water, no pain relief largely because I was scared of it making me sick
So I'll tell you the reality. DS very quick birth. Was more dilated than anyone realised, out within the hour. Sounds lovely? The reality was I was in a total trance, no real idea what was going on. Placenta didn't follow quickly. That wonderful golden hour you hear so much about? It was trying not to drown my precious arrival in water that looked like a swamp because I'd lost a lot of blood then sitting wet on an awful sofa thing, trying to deliver placenta. Had to give baby to husband because I thought I was going to pass out. Long recovery because of damage, couldn't sit for weeks and bled through doubled up maternity pads.
Second time for DD not so quick as waters wouldn't burst. They did it manually. Not nice. Again, total blur and having a midwife catch your poop in a net in the pool is not lovely. Trying to get over the side afterwards, near impossible. I actually laughed to my husband 'this is the golden hour' while I had my legs in stirrups being stitched and baby screamed in his arms getting her jab.
What I'm trying to say is the idea of whale music and relaxation is a joke and however they come out the bit that follows is chaotic.
You are regretting something that is quite frankly as real as unicorns.
Now just enjoy your baby!