Had a Cesarean, feel like less of a mum

[kingfisher657]

DS was born 9 weeks ago. Every day I am overwhelmed with love for him. And every day I spend at least a few hours feeling awful about the way he was born.

There are many parts of it I feel upset about, but what seems to be bothering me the most is the emergency Cesarean. Or rather, the loss of a vaginal birth (as the Cesarean itself was fine really). After 12 hours of strong contractions I was still only 3cm, and then my waters broke and he suddenly went into distress. Severe cord compression, they said - he was all tangled up, in a way that also prevented me from dilating as he couldn't fully descend. So it all makes sense, but I still feel awful.

I don't think I realised how much I wanted a vaginal birth until it didn't happen. It doesn't seem like a particularly pleasant thing to do, but it's a thing I always expected I would do, and was always curious about. I think I bought into the idea that birth is an achievement, and that birth is the best day of your life, a little too much.

And now I just can't shake the feeling that I am a failure and a fraud. I know rationally that it wasn't my fault, but I feel awful that I never pushed my baby out. I'm also not sure that I "really" went through labour, as I'm so hung up on the number of centimetres - as if I score 3/10, or something. I realise that I'm being very unkind to myself. But I look at all the other mums at NCT and yoga, and feel like they've been through something profound that I haven't. I feel like less of a mum than all of them.

Everyone says these feelings will fade, but so far they haven't. I'm on a waiting list for NHS trauma counselling - they say I have borderline PTSD. I hope so much that this helps me, as I am so so sick of feeling this way. I just want to enjoy DS without being overwhelmed with these awful feelings every time I have a moment to myself.

I know very few people in real life who had Cesareans, and most of those had planned sections which they describe with adjectives like "calm" and "positive" - pretty far from my experience! Is there anyone here who has felt the same as me after an emergency section? How did you feel better about yourself, or did it never really go away?

Your feelings are your feelings, and are completely valid - if not “the truth” (you’re no less of a mother than anyone else). I had very similar feelings to you after a not dissimilar delivery. You can have more than one set of feelings at a time and be grateful for your baby while sad the birth didn’t pan out as you hoped for.

It fades. In my case it has never quite gone away - I still feel on some level that I didn’t give birth - but it stings a lot less than it did.

Bloody NCT. There was a definite subtext on my course that it was about relaxing and having the right attitude and the rest would follow. If it didn’t, you obviously didn’t try hard enough. Complete bollocks.

I actually tried to get some help from them afterwards in terms of how I was feeling and the course leader made initial noises about meeting up and then ghosted me. That told me everything I needed to know about their ethos.

I would recommend talking it out, looking into a birth reflections appointment with your hospital, and also looking at the Birth Trauma Association, who have a closed Facebook page which is brilliant for peer support for this kind of thing.

Some great advice on this thread.

I've had 2 csections - I've come to accept that dilating isn't one of my skills! Hope that doesn't sound flippant and you make your peace with it too OP.

I felt the same as you, op, after my planned CS, and I blame the NCT - banging on about how awful CSs were and how we should breathe baby out - well, without a CS my baby dd would have died.

A live baby is better than an ideal birth experience.

I know you feel cheated and things didn't work out how you wanted, but honestly, try to focus on the positives.

A debrief with the midwives might help, and seeing your birth notes. I did that afterwards.

Congrats on your baby!

Firstly, some PPs have been unnecessarily harsh. You feel how you feel. Be kind to yourself.

Secondly, as many have already said, a vaginal birth is not a mystical experience. You do not ascend to a higher plane. It’s like doing the biggest poo of your life. And even a “textbook NCT birth” doesn’t live up to the hype. The good bit is when you get your baby plonked on your tummy at the end - which you get with a CS too.

Thirdly, this seems important now because it takes up a large proportion of your parenting experience. Similarly, feeding and sleeping also seem like the most important things in the world and are all you talk about with your NCT group because 90% of caring for a small baby is feeding them and putting them to sleep. They don’t do much else. But in a few years you’ll be sitting in that park with your mum friends watching your toddlers race about and you literally won’t be able to remember who had a section, who breast or bottle fed, who coslept and who went full Gina - because you’ll all be talking about potty training.

Fourthly, I had what in retrospect was a touch of post natal depression/anxiety and I ruminated and obsessed so hard. I know you’ve explored possible PTSD but your post natal hormonal state may also be contributing here. The good news is that will go away too and there are lots of things that can help.

I think your first role as a mother is to deliver the baby as risk free as possible, which you done.

Congratulations on delivering a healthy baby, enjoy!

And stop comparing yourself to other people.

I do get where your coming from to a degree, my baby had to be born by section as he may not have survived a natural birth. I did feel I missed out a bit but who gives a shot when you have a healthy, happy baby...

I send you nothing but love and good wishes, you poor love!

Counselling will help - you know rationally it’s nonsense to see yourself as a failure but you’ve been through a profound trauma and that’s wreaked havoc with your thinking.

My first baby was born via a fairly violent emergency Caesarean following all sorts of failed interventions. Some of the damage to my body never healed, but he was healthy and safe, and that’s the important bit. It took me several years to realise how profoundly the whole traumatic experience affected me. Once I had processed that, it was like a burden lifted.

I can empathise with your situation (and as veteran of 3 CS in all, am not the slightest bit insulted). It’s all very fresh for you. Counselling, distance, and time with baby will all help.

Be kind to yourself. Congratulations on your little boy.

Your baby was safe, you did what was needed to make sure of this. That's amazing and makes you a mum. I had a vaginal birth with my DD, and a section with my DS. Otherwise he could have died. Having him healthy and alive was all that mattered.

I'm glad you are getting counselling, I hope it helps. Way too much pressure put on the 'perfect' birth, it is so annoying - especially when women are so vulnerable after giving birth. for you OP.

I actually tried to get some help from them afterwards in terms of how I was feeling and the course leader made initial noises about meeting up and then ghosted me. That told me everything I needed to know about their ethos.

Sorry you had that experience @WhatsTheTimeMrCat. Likewise I tried to seek some support from them post-birth (unrelated to my CS) - because you know, once the baby is here and nothing is like the text book and everything hurts and you are on your knees with exhaustion and you don't know what you're doing and you actually need some help - and they were fucking useless. The sense of them basically not wanting to know actually made me feel worse.

This is unbottling a lot of anger against NCT which I has kind of forgotten about!

I felt the same as you OP. Laboured for almost 30 hours, then his heartbeat went and we had a Cat 1 EMCS when I was 10cm.

Immediately afterwards I felt glad we were both alive, but as the weeks rolled on I felt horrible about it. I couldn’t touch my scar and hated that he had been born that way. I also felt like people didn’t really ever understand that we had no choice. Like people might have thought I didn’t try hard enough or something.

I still feel like I’ve been winded sometimes when I hear these amazing birth stories.

What I would say is that it does get better. When you have a newborn your only really experience of being a mother is birthing them, and when that is traumatic it can impact your entire perception of being a mother. As time has gone on, I’ve realised what a tiny, tiny part his birth played in my experience of being his mother and that has helped put it into perspective. I can also recommend getting some talking therapy to help you if you think you may have PTSD front end experience.

Wishing you all the very best, you truly have my sympathy but you really have done wonderfully and there is nothing - nothing - else that could have been done to keep you both safe in the situation.

Wow, thank you so much everyone. Lots to think about here. I will have to go through and save some of my favourite quotes to look back on when I need them.

I absolutely don't mean to insult anyone, and I rationally understand that what I'm thinking is ridiculous. But brains aren't always rational, and we aren't always as kind to ourselves as we are to others.

Where do these beliefs come from? Mostly my mum unfortunately, who had uncomplicated births and very judgemental ideas about pain relief in labour, which I grew up hearing from a very young age. It's hard to fully unlearn that. Plus the Positive Birth Book, which I'd now like to ceremonially burn. Plus a bit of NCT.

Do I have a touch of PND? Probably. Am I attaching the trauma from the rest of the birth onto the Cesarean thing? Also probably. In particular I unfortunately didn't "get my baby plonked on my tummy at the end" - he was in NICU because he was too tired to breathe. After months dreaming of the first time I'd see his face - the first time I saw it was on a phone screen, in a photograph of him being resucitated. That's how I met my child. So clearly I'm pretty messed up about that too.

I can totally empathise with the feeling of having your baby whisked away, and only having a photo of them to see. That happened to me with both my children - whisked away and my partner going with them as they needed urgent treatment. It's a bit of a shock at that point and you are left being sewn up after the c section and don't know what's going on. The first time was particularly upsetting, as I had the perturbing idea that I wouldn't recognise my own baby when I got to the SCBU which for some reason really really got to me.

I have the photo (it was a physical photo) of my DS1 that they gave me when he was delivered, and I still can't look at it without feeling a bit wobbly, and he's now 9. It's a direct link back to a very stressful event, as he is all swollen and ill looking in the picture.

I don't know if anyone's mentioned it yet, but you can ask to have a birth debrief with the midwives at the hospital which can be helpful to go over what happened and why.

Bless you honey, you really were put through the wringer.

Poor wee guy, but you went through an operation and cut open, to save him.
You should be proud of yourself. PROUD!

Films and media all give the ideal birth senerio, the baby never gets distressed, mum never needs cut open, it's all very clean, textbook and civilised.

Reality just isn't like that. Some women will share their traumatic birth stories, others see it as selfish to share and frightening for other women.
Which leaves everyone thinking they were the only woman hard done by.

Very harsh replies! I had the choice between a guaranteed stillbirth and a section. Mostly I feel quite heroic for getting him alive and healthy through the whole disaster. In this respect I think a high risk pregnancy can be easier because you don’t have hopes, or birth plans. I didn’t risk bringing clothes to take him home in with me even.
It sounds like you have PND and perhaps also PTSD from the birth. I did have lots of nightmares about it in the year after he was born but they have mostly faded. You will feel better one day but possibly counselling can help that day come sooner.
I can’t have another one so I won’t ever know what it feels like, but I have more a feeling of curiosity than regret.

Focus on the positive - you have a healthy child. Tell that to anyone who makes you feel bad.

My first DC was born by vaginal delivery and died.

DC2 was being by ELCS and is doing well.

I know which I'd choose.

Kingfisher - I had very similar thoughts to you after Dc2.

Dc1 - a slow but ‘successful’ homebirth.
Dc2 - undiagnosed breech, me being blue lighted into hosp, having a stand off across a hospital bed from some poor sod trying to get me to sign consent forms for an operation I did not want. Me raging at the system for not having breech experienced medics around.

And I went into shock after (found out years later when I requested my records that I’d actually lost a lot of blood, could’ve done with a transfusion, his placenta was in bits and incomplete, etc.) so I couldn’t even hold him as I was too shaky.
DH held him while I got stitched up then I just didn’t want to hold him for a long time.

I did struggle to bond with him. I really struggled with any sentence involving ‘giving birth’ as I felt I hadn’t, however irrational that sounds now.

What helped? The only thing really was time. Yes I did bond with him, bf for a year. The haze of those early years of two young DC didn’t give me much time to think about it/dwell on it.

He’s 13 now, and I can talk about my c-s without flinching or feeling like I did anything less than become his Mum.

Keep talking, keep cuddling him, this too will pass.

Hi OP,
First I think it's totally valid to have these feelings and not your fault. You're entitled to feel disappointed in your birth and like it didnt go how you imagined, particularly as the predominant vibe at the moment is 'natural birth at all costs' (see also breastfeeding). So it's completely understandable that when your reality didn't match up with your experience, you're feeling sad about it.

I felt not like a real mum after my emcs, like I hadnt done enough to prove that I was his mum or something. It all happened so quickly in the end and took me ages to bond. I now think that a lot of what I was feeling was down to shock and trauma, rather than necessarily the actual c section. I felt disconnected and almost like it hadn't really happened. Counselling will really help you come to terms with what was most likely a scary, traumatic experience.

As others have said, birth feels so important at the start, because honestly there's not much else to say about parenting at that stage. But later, you realise that being a parent is a life long relationship with another person, it constantly evolves and actually the way you give birth/ feed/ sleep/ wean/ go back to work or not- actually they're just not important. What's important is your relationship with your child.

Go easy on yourself, you're NOT being ridiculous, you are someone who's just experienced major unexpected surgery and is coming to terms with that

I had a EMCS and felt a lot of what you feel. Mine was never a pressing emergency so not that traumatising, but I missed the sense of achievement, holding DD etc. By the time she was out, I was too tired to hold her. I felt bound up in it for a few months then it passed.

I read somewhere that the body expects the hormones that are released by vaginal birth and sometimes when that doesn't come, you get a kind of primitive sense that the baby must have died because you miss that surge of oxytocin. Not sure if it's true but it felt like it a bit!

DC2 was VBAC, I did feel kind of healed at having a vaginal birth and it was all much smoother and natural feeling, but I cannot stress enough that the pain was horrendous.

You'll feel more at peace with it in time, your baby came out safely, it might not be 100% what you wanted but it's definitely not the worst of all possible outcomes.

Do you blame someone for the Csection? Funny question I know.... personal experience, I had disagreements with the doctors and think my births would have been much better if I had had my way

I had a surprise elcs due to severe pe. I completely understand how you feel, because I felt the same. I felt a complete and utter failure as both a woman and a mother - needed ivf, had to get the babies out quickly so elcs and couldn’t bf.

I saw this on some fb group thingy, and it started to change my thinking. The passing of time massively helped, but also realising that I made two human beings and delivered them safely into the world, and that all 3 of us got out of there alive to tell the tale - I’m bloody lucky.

You are every bit as much of a mother as someone who delivered vaginally with no pain relief. So am I. I might not have had the ttc, birth and early motherhood journey I imagined, but I have my journey, as do you. You’re a superstar!

@grey12

Do you blame someone for the Csection? Funny question I know.... personal experience, I had disagreements with the doctors and think my births would have been much better if I had had my way

How could she blame anyone for the c section when the baby had the cord around his neck and was in distress?

I'm the strongest supporter of maternal choice, but there are many situations, this one included, where objectively the mom should absolutely not have her way. Doctor's don't just advise c sections willy nilly.

Where do these beliefs come from? Mostly my mother.... very judgemental ideas about pain relief in labour, which I grew up hearing from a very young age. It's hard to fully unlearn that.

You can do it, though, I mean you can chuck the daft ideas. Don't burden yourself with other people's prejudices. :)

He was born safely, that's all that should matter.

I also had an energency c section and the well being of my daughter was all I gave two hoots about.

I don’t think you’re being ridiculous @kingfisher657

I had a similar experience. Failed induction which led to baby becoming distressed and emcs. I lost a lot of blood and was completely floored by it all not going how I’d hoped. I “failed” at breastfeeding too. I felt like I hadn’t done things right - not helped by a friend questioning why I’d been induced (baby had umpteen checks for reduced movements) and asking if I was upset because I didn’t “give birth properly”. In the aftermath of it all (I read my notes) I don’t know if the birth would ever have happened “naturally” - baby’s head was at a very weird angle and cord wrapped round neck three times.

It took time just to get over the section itself physically. Emotionally, yes I was glad me and baby survived and are both safe, but I beat myself up about having “failed” in the one thing women’s bodies are “meant” to do. I still feel sad that I didn’t experience a natural birth but I don’t care so much about having had the section any more. Life has moved on and I have other things to focus on (worry about!). My situation was slightly odd as I fell pregnant again when baby was 4 months and opted for an elective section as I was too scared of induction again. Ive made peace with the fact that I have not had and won’t have a vaginal birth. I’m still a mum though!

OP be kind to yourself, it will still all be very raw for you and IMO an emcs can be very traumatic. Focus on you and baby in the present for now if you can. Not sure if you’ve had one or are able to but I’ve heard people say a birth debrief can be helpful.

So further to me having an Emergency cesarean - I went into hospital on Tuesday afternoon - delivered by C section Thursday just after lunch time when they said - this isn't working. I honestly don't think I did not try my best. DH was born by CS & still has a scar on the side of his head to prove it ( somewhat clumsy - ha ha ) . He would have had an older sister but still born. Rest of siblings CS.

Honestly I cannot say more than do what you can to get the baby born the best way you can . Not once did I think my idea of a perfect birth was more important than DC being born as well as was possible.

But I understand some may think differently and I hope those who do will , in time , come to terms with that.

DC1 was a straight forward VB. well apart from the hour they said she was distressed and made me lie on my side and not push.

DC2 was a scheduled CS at 34 weeks for medical reasons (has foetal anemia). I just felt relief that she was breathing.

VB isn’t all that tbh, neither was pleasant, but one wasn’t better than the other.

You need to find some way of reconciling this for yourself, be it counselling, debrief or whatever or it’s going to eat you up. Good luck OP.