Had a Cesarean, feel like less of a mum

[kingfisher657]

DS was born 9 weeks ago. Every day I am overwhelmed with love for him. And every day I spend at least a few hours feeling awful about the way he was born.

There are many parts of it I feel upset about, but what seems to be bothering me the most is the emergency Cesarean. Or rather, the loss of a vaginal birth (as the Cesarean itself was fine really). After 12 hours of strong contractions I was still only 3cm, and then my waters broke and he suddenly went into distress. Severe cord compression, they said - he was all tangled up, in a way that also prevented me from dilating as he couldn't fully descend. So it all makes sense, but I still feel awful.

I don't think I realised how much I wanted a vaginal birth until it didn't happen. It doesn't seem like a particularly pleasant thing to do, but it's a thing I always expected I would do, and was always curious about. I think I bought into the idea that birth is an achievement, and that birth is the best day of your life, a little too much.

And now I just can't shake the feeling that I am a failure and a fraud. I know rationally that it wasn't my fault, but I feel awful that I never pushed my baby out. I'm also not sure that I "really" went through labour, as I'm so hung up on the number of centimetres - as if I score 3/10, or something. I realise that I'm being very unkind to myself. But I look at all the other mums at NCT and yoga, and feel like they've been through something profound that I haven't. I feel like less of a mum than all of them.

Everyone says these feelings will fade, but so far they haven't. I'm on a waiting list for NHS trauma counselling - they say I have borderline PTSD. I hope so much that this helps me, as I am so so sick of feeling this way. I just want to enjoy DS without being overwhelmed with these awful feelings every time I have a moment to myself.

I know very few people in real life who had Cesareans, and most of those had planned sections which they describe with adjectives like "calm" and "positive" - pretty far from my experience! Is there anyone here who has felt the same as me after an emergency section? How did you feel better about yourself, or did it never really go away?

Congratulations on your baby. In the immediate aftermath of my birth and C section I could tell you everything vividly. Which nurse had said what. Whose tone had been unkind (in hindsight it hadn’t) and so on. It was overwhelming.
I have now had two C sections and won’t be having any more kids (they are 9 and 4). Honestly in the baby stage all we talked about was our birth because that was the immediate thing that happened. Then it was sleep and feeding. And weaning. But gradually that faded away and so did the memories for the most part.
Now when I am at the school gate I couldn’t tell you how any of the kids were born and the conversation and my own maternal mental space has moved on.
Give yourself time to grieve and accept what happened. But also allow yourself to celebrate what your body did do. You were in labor. You birthed a baby. You grew a whole human.

Also I had an emergency one and a ‘calm’ one. My emergency one was life threatening for both of us. A few weeks later a friend had come to visit and she said (not unkindly) that her grandmother had died giving birth with the same condition I had many years ago leaving her mum and baby sister motherless. It upset me then but then I thought back on it later and thought how lucky I was, and how amazing human scientific advancement was (and in a short period of time) and it did eventually make me feel better.

In a few years no one will care about your section. It will all be able nursery school choices etc. Parents love to compare and now way is better if your child is loved and happy.

Ignore ignore ignore

I had a section with both mine and they are fit and at secondary school. NO ONE asked if I had a natural birth.

You would like a great mum.

I felt very similar to you after EMCS. Maybe not a failure as such, but that my normal birth had been stolen from me somehow. That I didn't have the baby handed to me after giving birth and missing that experience. Especially as I was only planning one. I felt quite upset about for a while, but had a good debrief with the MW. The feelings went away in time.

Congrats on your baby! I knew you’d say NCT, they can be terrible for putting ideas into your head about birth being an achievement and the best day of your life. If you want to be angry direct it at whoever convinced you it would be some empowering experience, not at yourself. You know rationally that there’s nothing you could have done, you didn’t cause the cord to get tangled. The c section got him out safely which is great, there’s no achievement or failure related to the mode of delivery. Give it a few months and no one except the gynaecologist will even ask you how he was born, conversations move on and in the greater scheme of parenting it really does not matter one iota.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are being utterly ridiculous!

No child cares how they were born/brought into a family. All a child cares about is feeling loved and being listened to.

You are a real mum. You did what was needed to deliver your baby safely. You did brilliant ❤️. You need to work through the "loss" of the birth you wanted and how scary it was for you! It's horrible when you've put all that physical effort in and then the medics have to step in. I had two quick ones and felt totally out of it for both. I think it caused me a bit of distress to be honest. It's difficult but focus on the fact that you made the best choice you could make for you and your baby, which does make you a great Mum. The only advice I will give you is that Parent / Mum Groups or chatrooms always have someone who's better than everyone else! Ignore them. They used to boast about what trainers they had, now they boast about their natural standing organic birthing experience.❤️

Not having a Vag Birth is a pretty funny FOMO thing.

I imagine you need to explore your beliefs that are leading to these feelings, OP. Counselling will help.

Becoming a parent makes any sane person feel inadequate, I wonder if being very uncomfortable with those feelings is making you think it matters so much how the baby was born.

ps: not as if it needs saying, but how a baby was conceived, born or fed -- none of these determines who is more or less of a mother.

Friend has 3x emergency CS which she felt were absolutely fine, followed by a planned CS which deeply upset her. Some emgCS are fine & some planned CS are not.

I hate that there is so much focus on vaginal birth and “oh it’s so wonderful”, it completely sets women up to feel like failures when it doesn’t go to plan.

You have delivered your child safely. You are no less of a mum than someone who has had a vaginal birth, and C Section is by no means “the easy way out” it is major surgery and often the recovery is harder than a vaginal birth although both methods come with their own complications.

I have had a section and will have another with my second and if anyone tried to tell me I was less of a mum, or hadn’t experienced birthing a child then they would be on the receiving end of an ear bashing.

It sounds like overall you had a traumatic time which may be complicating things for you so 100% pursue the counselling and maybe see if you can get a debrief from the hospital.

You are a mum, you sacrificed your ideal birth to get your child here safely. You are amazing so try to remember it.

3 C sections here. Be proud. You created, carried and gave birth to a human,who you then looked after whilst recovering from major surgery. That takes real strength.

Well, an easy and straightforward vaginal birth, the nct ideal, feels exactly like doing an enormous poo. So that’s what you’re missing.

I’m glad you’re having counselling OP I went through something similar (and then some) EMCS and then a baby in NICU for two weeks and then unable to breastfeed. It was a traumatic time and 10 years on I think of it less but still think of what ifs. People really weren’t very understanding of the trauma I had been through and I felt really insensitive talking about their zen experiences.

I recognise though my daughter and I were very lucky to have survived the whole experience and how much life has moved on. There was no counselling available for me and I still hold a lot of anger against the NHS who acknowledged their failings (we didn’t sue). I hope you get some closure through your counselling and the feelings of failure will lessen and you will realise all you have achieved

In the nicest possible way, you're being nuts.

Enjoy your baby!

Sorry you're upset and I hope you get some help to feel better.

I do think, in the nicest possible way, that you're being ridiculous.

This concept of birth being an 'experience ' is a very modern idea. Its not a holiday, a spa day or a trip to a health farm. It doesn't have to be an amazing experience no matter what women are told about whale sounds and candles. The end goal is a healthy baby and a healthy mum.

Having a child is a life-long experience...the birth is an absolutely miniscule part of that

I know you are struggling but this is actually quite offensive and utterly ridiculous.

Your feelings are valid but seriously no one will give a shit once you get past it.

I had two home births, but my second choice was a c section. You still grew an entire human and kept him safe until he was ready to be delivered. You haven't failed, a vaginal birth is honestly not super amazing, it's a means to an end. I can confirm no stickers or medals are handed out.

Do you think you might be suffering a tiny bit of PND and your focus has just attached itself to the birth as a way to try and find a reason to feel the way you do?

You are doing well, you have created a human and gone through major surgery to keep them safe which is a huge deal. You're doing better than you think you are.

To be honest your post is pretty insulting to the millions of other mothers who have had a cesarean, either by choice or emergency. Are you implying they are not real mother's either.
Your childs life was saved and has given the opportunity to become a mum. How can that not be real.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
For many reasons, giving birth can really take a lot of recovery, physically and mentally.

You dealt with 12 hours of contractions, many women don't get near 12 hours. Are they less of a mom as they had less hours to deal with?
Women who have pain relief lesser than the ones who don't etc? You know this is not logical.

I have had a vaginal birth and a c section. I don't feel less of a mom to my c section baby.
Being a mom is not dependant on how the baby exits your body.

I promise that all of this will fade and new issues and concerns will take the place of these feelings. Being a mom is made up of the love, the commitment you show your child for every day to come.

This will pass, I hope your counselling helps you to see you have failed at nothing and helps you to look forward to all the actual 'momming' ahead.

I’m sorry you feel so bad OP.
I had an EMCS, it was my attempt at a VBAC. Didn’t go to plan and was a bit touch a go for both of us.

Trauma counselling sounds like a really good idea, you can also request a birth debrief via your HV if you think that might help, sometimes a bit of a step by step walk through can bring clarity and acceptance.

Personally I look back at my sons birth, and I would view your child’s the same way, as me essentially accepting major surgery in order to save both our lives, without me making that horrible, scary choice, we wouldn’t be here. You risked your life to birth your child, that makes you an absolute goddess.

Ignore people who tell you you are being ridiculous, that’s frankly a cruel thing to say to someone who is suffering.

Your feelings are valid, hopefully in time you will reframe them and see how utterly self sacrificing you were and how the decisions you made to birth your child were born of love.

Consider it this way - your first act as a mother was to succeed in allowing your baby to be born in the safest way possible. You have already proven yourself to be an amazing mum by accepting what had to be done for your baby.

Hello OP, I could have written lots of this five years ago. My first child was born by Cat-1 EMCS after an induction failed (I only got to 4cm) and his heart rate plummeted twice and his oxygen levels dropped. I was very relieved we were both safe to begin with, but it wan't long before I was gutted that I had missed out on a natural birth. Like you, I felt like I had missed out on a profound experience. I also felt as if I had failed in some way - my body hadn't even gone into natural labour (and I was 41w+6, FFS!) I also desperately wanted my DH to be proud of me and to speak about the birth admiringly in the way that I'd heard other men talk about their wives... I think I felt like I needed to prove something. I wanted to be hardcore and do it with minimal pain relief, etc etc. But in the end it was all done for me and I felt useless.

The first midwife I saw the night before the birth - when I was nervous and a bit upset about the induction (hadn't even considered I might end up as an EMCS then!) - gently reminded me that not everybody gets to take their baby home, and that it doesn't matter how the baby gets out, it just matters that they get out safely. That helped me give my head a wobble.

The thing that really sorted me out, though, was when a good friend of mine gave birth naturally 6 months later like a total heroine, no painkillers, had a massive tear and bleed, and then was incontinent for over a year.

Count your blessings, lovely!

In all honesty, I do still feel a bit sad that I missed out on the experience of a natural birth, but nobody I meet knows that my kids were born by C-section (the second was elective!!!!) unless I tell them, and it certainly doesn't make me any less of a mum.

Sending you love.

You went through that to ensure the safety of your baby. I couldn't think of a better example of you being the greatest of mams.

You have been through something equally as profound as those who were fortunate to avoid complications and deliver vaginally. Each woman's experience is different and unique. Someone who had no tears and a labour of a few hours won't have had the same experience as a woman who was in labour for days and had severe tears/episiotomy and an assisted birth.

Your experience is valid, your feelings about it all are valid. Just be kind to yourself and allow the feelings of disappointment/sadness whilst reflecting on the idea that everyone's experience is unique.

I think the trauma of your son having a distressed period and you worrying about him etc has been displaced onto the birth itself. It’s good that you recognise this is irrational, but you need to move past it now.

Instead of focusing on the trauma or the “failed” vaginal birth I would try focusing on gratitude. Every time the thoughts come into your head about the fact that you didn’t give birth vaginally, say to yourself “I’m so grateful my son is safe” or even “I’m so grateful for the care I received”.

Not to be blunt but in some other countries you would be recovering from this birth trauma at the same time as worrying about how on earth you were going to pay this huge medical bill. I used to live in Singapore and if your insurance didn’t cover it then an emergency c-section at a private hospital cost in excess of $20,000. You are very lucky in very many ways and it sometimes helps to zoom out a bit to be able to see how fortunate you are.

Stop hanging out with judgemental dull witches with PFB-syndrome.

Your boobs and vagina have NOTHING to do with being a ‘good parent’.

My kids are older now but if anyone asked about their births/bf I’d assume they had a screw loose.

The only people using this crap as a badge of honour are insecure new mums.

And yes your feelings are “valid” in that they are real and profound but that doesn’t mean it’s helpful to ruminate. Process the feelings and then move on.