Had a Cesarean, feel like less of a mum

[kingfisher657]

DS was born 9 weeks ago. Every day I am overwhelmed with love for him. And every day I spend at least a few hours feeling awful about the way he was born.

There are many parts of it I feel upset about, but what seems to be bothering me the most is the emergency Cesarean. Or rather, the loss of a vaginal birth (as the Cesarean itself was fine really). After 12 hours of strong contractions I was still only 3cm, and then my waters broke and he suddenly went into distress. Severe cord compression, they said - he was all tangled up, in a way that also prevented me from dilating as he couldn't fully descend. So it all makes sense, but I still feel awful.

I don't think I realised how much I wanted a vaginal birth until it didn't happen. It doesn't seem like a particularly pleasant thing to do, but it's a thing I always expected I would do, and was always curious about. I think I bought into the idea that birth is an achievement, and that birth is the best day of your life, a little too much.

And now I just can't shake the feeling that I am a failure and a fraud. I know rationally that it wasn't my fault, but I feel awful that I never pushed my baby out. I'm also not sure that I "really" went through labour, as I'm so hung up on the number of centimetres - as if I score 3/10, or something. I realise that I'm being very unkind to myself. But I look at all the other mums at NCT and yoga, and feel like they've been through something profound that I haven't. I feel like less of a mum than all of them.

Everyone says these feelings will fade, but so far they haven't. I'm on a waiting list for NHS trauma counselling - they say I have borderline PTSD. I hope so much that this helps me, as I am so so sick of feeling this way. I just want to enjoy DS without being overwhelmed with these awful feelings every time I have a moment to myself.

I know very few people in real life who had Cesareans, and most of those had planned sections which they describe with adjectives like "calm" and "positive" - pretty far from my experience! Is there anyone here who has felt the same as me after an emergency section? How did you feel better about yourself, or did it never really go away?

Congratulations on your baby!
I had three vaginal births and the last, baby four was an emergency c-section. I can honestly say I think of all the births I deserve an award for, it was the c-section! It doesn't matter how they get here, as long as they do and are safe. You are certainly no less of a mother, quite the opposite! You went through a major surgery to get your baby! The only one who talks about it now is me, no one else is bothered and I don't think anyone cared at the time. I'm glad you're getting support for your post natal difficulties.

Short of reaching into your uterus and untangling him, what was your alternative?

Also for the whole pain relief stuff, first was induced, epidural. Second natural, just gas and air. Third, induced just gas and air. Fourth, emergency c-section, all the drugs (thankfully). The pain with each birth was completely different as was the experience. It's impossible to compare my four births let alone compare myself with a stranger! The first two were pretty easy and I hate to say I was one of those mums who didn't think Labour was that bad and lots of people just made a fuss. Baby number three turned that one on it's head, awful experience where I screamed blue murder. Number four, I was petrified after my experience with number three which possibly added to the need for a c-section! I'd love to come along to a group with you, I'd soon put them straight! 🤣🤣

Your post really resonates because it pretty much describes my first birth exactly. The only difference is that I dilated more but the cord was wrapped around his neck - it would not have been a good outcome if it hadn't been for the EMCS.

I beat myself up about it for ages - I felt like I had failed, I felt like I hadn't been able to deliver a baby - DSis x 2 had 5 kids between them, all vaginal delivery, DM had 3, all vaginal.

I got pregnant with DC2, booked in for an elective. DM said a few weeks before the birth "are you going for an ELCS because it's the easy option?" She knew how much I had struggled for 19 months, beating myself up about my failure to give birth "naturally". I'm very stubborn so stupidly decided when my contractions started two weeks before my booked ELCS, to go ahead with a VBAC, which turned into a crash scenario too - albeit DC finally came out very bruised with forceps.

This was nearly a decade ago. As soon as I had DC2 by VBAC, I looked at my then husband and said "I'm never doing that again."

I am now expecting a third and am consultant led. I have had so much reassurance that this time we are going to have an ELCS, and that this time it's going to be much calmer. On occasion i wonder whether I should have another vaginal birth, but seriously? I don't think I could go through with it again.

Please don't feel that you are a failure. You both survived. 🙏🏻

Bless you, OP. I had an emergency c section. It seems like a complete irrelevance now. Motherhood is a long and wonderful journey. The way in which the baby comes out is nothing but a tiny dot along that journey.

You are every bit as much a proper mother as anyone else. Don't let your disappointment with the way labour panned out cloud your enjoyment of getting to know your beautiful baby.

I had an emergency section with my first DC due to baby being in distress. This current baby is breech and I hahave an imminent planned c section. Are you suggesting I am less of a mum because of this? Because it very much feels like I am a mum. If you don't judge other "mums" by this, stop being hard on yourself. You and your baby are healthy and this is all that matters. If you do judge other mums on whether they've pushed a baby out of their vagina, give your head a wobble.

No one who has been through childbirth by whatever mechanism has gone through anything profound. There are 4 babies born every second.

First of all, ignore the posters who are trying to make you feel guilty for how you are feeling. I have had 3CS (two EMCS and one planned) and I am not even a tiny bit offended by your post.

It is so sad to hear you are struggling. The first few months after birth are an unbelievable rollercoaster of emotions and I think everyone struggles with some aspect of it, be it the birth itself, breastfeeding, bonding, recovery. At 9 weeks you are still very, very early in the journey and so don't feel worse because you think you should feel better by now, iyswim. Chances are you will feel better as time goes by, but that is likely to be months rather than weeks.

Honestly if I could go back in time I would give a massive middle finger to NCT as an organisation. I think it is actually hugely damaging for mothers to have so much emphasis placed on the birth itself, as if having a good birth is actually the goal by which you pass or fail. It's just awful and hugely unhelpful. Especially as, as you discovered, so much is beyond our control.

I know it is easy to say, but 13 years down the line from my first EMCS, my DS birth represents about 0.0000001% of my experiences as a mother, good and bad. Its hard right now because it is what you've been focussed on for so long and it is hard to shake that feeling of somehow having got it 'wrong'. You haven't. Motherhood starts at birth, it doesn't end there!

(plus - having seen some of the awful long term complications that friends have suffered from VB I do feel appreciative of the fact I do not have any of that to struggle with)

I could have written your post 15 years ago.
Now, with two VBACs under my belt and some distance, I see that those responses were indeed the reaction to the trauma of the ECS, the disappointment that it didn't live up to the expectations I'd set for myself and some unhelpful responses from those around me.

Your feelings are valid and normal. Take the counselling when you get it, focus on the bond with your baby and I promise you that in time the feelings will fade. I feel every bit as much of a parent to the one born by ECS as the others and our bond is every bit as close. It wasn't a fun experience but to be honest neither were the VBACs. Birth is (usually) tedious, painful and stressful. The whole mythology around the perfect birth is yet another way to make women feel bad about themselves.

I can see that you had a difficult time with the birth of your baby but really what it boils down to, is a c-section was necessary, or the baby would not have survived and that could have endangered your life as well.

Nothing makes that an invalid birth experience. I had two sections, one an emergency and honestly the fact my babies are ok is all that matters really.

@icepackplease

No one who has been through childbirth by whatever mechanism has gone through anything profound. There are 4 babies born every second.

Just because an event happens frequently doesn't make it any less profound when it happens to one specific individual. If you didn't find the birth of your children profound then that's your personal experience. Doesn't mean it wasn't a profound moment for other women.

I had a vaginal birth. On paper it was 'textbook' but sadly that's not the reality. I was in true agony all the way through and I now have a prolapse that will probably be only rectified by corrective surgery in the future. I'm 26 days away from my planned section with my second baby and I cannot wait. We're led to believe that vaginal births are this magical, empowering moment and for most it couldn't be further from the truth.

The NCT has a lot to answer for. Take a look at:
www.lindageddes.com/123/does-the-nct-tell-women-the-truth-about-birth
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jan/11/caesareans-natural-birth-kirstie-allsopp

Your baby doesn’t care one jot. I had a c-section and felt so guilty about it that I then went for a VBAC next time. It was not a magical experience - a baby got squeezed out of my bits and left them in tatters…. he was no more aware/grateful than my first baby. I don’t know why I felt the way I did after my section but I do know that it was irrational.

The only thing that matters is that you’re both safe.

I've had a section and it doesn't make me any less of a mother... who cares. I'd rather have a section than some of the poor souls who have had to endure horrific tears and other complications.

I had a C section last November. That doesn't make me a failure and any less of a mother.

I think some parts of your posts are quite insulting.

Birth is birth. There's no easy way around it.

It's LUCK. Some times you need intervention. Sometimes you need EMCS.
sometimes people do it with no pain relief.

There's no easy pain free to birth a child.

You bought your baby into this world and you are it's mother! Be proud of that!
Nobody actually cares how you brought your baby into this works apart from you.

Hi OP. Firstly some of the replies on here are just horrible. Your feelings are valid.
I had a very similiar experience to you 12 years ago. my waters broke and then nothing happened. I had to be induced and after 12 hours was, like you, only 3cm. there was concern that the cord was around her neck so an emergency c section was done. I was terrified about the epidural and was unsure what was going on due to the pain and pain relief drugs.

The worst thing was nobody seemed to think my feelings counted. baby was and thank goodness healthy for which i am of course truly happy. but it was like i didnt really count. i was devestated that i hadnt given birth.

my lowest point was when is was in conversation a few months later and i said something like "oh when i gave birth to dd"..she turned to me and said..oh but you didnt give birth. what am i meant to call it ffs?

over time it does get better. i have a beautiful dd and the birth experience is what it is.

be kind to yourself ..being a mum is nothing to do with how they got here.

Op what does it matter if you baby came out your vag or the sun roof? The important bit it is they are here and you are here to tell the tale.

You've done the hard bit and got passed the recovery stage.

People have a romantic view of giving birth, and DH rubbing your back oh so delicately. One of mine was a water birth, no back rubbing involved and the other was a WTF just happened sort of a moment.

On another forum I came across a mum who had a EMCS with her first, and was determined to try for a vaginal birth with her second, unfortunately her baby paid the price. And a planned c-section for her third.

You here and baby is good move on!

I understand why you feel this way. I had emergency section then v bac then elective although very unwanted section. I also wanted to experience birth and did although it wasn’t that great an experience with forceps at the end although out of 3 births the best! Planned section my worse as feel I should have held on and tried harder for v bac but so many things affecting that decision. I was upset I had emergency section however it was the only way for us and by the sounds of it you too! So please don’t feel bad about it, having a section is tough on your body, I’ve now been cut open twice for my children and feel very much like I’ve given a lot to bring my babies into the world! I think your feelings may go over time but it may help you to talk it through with someone who understands. I recovered a lot quicker from vaginal birth so by no means do I think a section is an easy way out or less of a mum due to it! Planned section worse recovery so far! You just had bad luck that things were not in the right place and birth couldn’t progress naturally, we’re lucky we live in an age where sections can be done. Enjoy your little one and hope you are feeling better about the birth soon!

I was not worried about tears etc - I did not dilate . This was over 25 years ago. A young woman had sued the NHS because she had a CS and not a "natural birth " shortly before DC was born . So Dr ( during childbirth ) was very careful when he spoke to me . I said "what happens if I do not have a CS - tell me the truth " - to which he replied - first the baby will die and then you will - I chose the CS - and said - well if baby & I survive that sounds like a plan - and now DC is a fit and healthy mid 20 year old - I do not lose a moment's sleep . Thank goodness for modern medicine.

I am pragmatic - if people feel sad / upset because of CS I am sure there is help & it should be taken

You went through a major operation to protect your baby's life. That makes you an excellent mum. Please be kind to yourself

I understand why you feel this way, so much importance is put on the birth that sometimes it seems like there is no other acceptable option than a drug-free natural birth. The reality is that things go wrong and c sections have saved countless babies and women.

There was a good reason for your C section. Even if there wasn't a "good" reason, it doesn't matter, and makes you no less of a woman or a mother.

And if it makes you feel any better, it is in no way the easy option, especially if it was done in an emergency. Give yourself a break.

I had three vaginal births. Two very fast with hardly any pushing. Third difficult. I was traumatised by them all. I had no sense of achievement at all. A c section couldn't have affected me any more than I already was. You missed nothing.

Two emergency sections here, 6 and 3 years ago respectively. I have mixed feelings, definitely failure in the aftermath of dc1's arrival and it persisted. It was a horrendous experience for multiple reasons and he ended up in Nicu. I remember thinking as I watched him sleep in the incubator that he'd be better off without me because what sort of mother would I be when I couldn't even give birth. My 2nd was more relaxed, I got to watch, skin to skin etc but I still felt underlying sadness and guilt because it was so much better than dc1's.

With the benefits of hindsight/therapy, I have perfectionist traits born out of my own childhood trauma and I think that's just another example of how they manifest. Is this a common theme whenever things don't work out the way you envisioned? If so therapy would help.

Either way it gets easier. My kids couldn't care less how they got here.

Like you @kingfisher657 i got to 3 cm and stopped. I'd lost all my water and his heart was all over the place. Not only did I have an emergency c section but they took him away so I didn't hold him for nearly two weeks. And he had a congenital defect so I didn't even grow him properly. I failed to bf so pumped but only enough to keep us going fully breast milk til 4 months. I also had a planned C Sec with my twins and I didn't carry any of them past 36 weeks and only pumped for the first month with the twins.

Do you think I'm less of a Mom than you or my friend who had a 24 hour long vaginal delivery? You'll say no automatically but think it through logically. Why am I not? Those are the same reasons you're not.

I know it's hard but try and put yourself external to your inner voice and think what you'd say to yourself if you met yourself in the street x