Did you find giving birth empowering?

[GlumyGloomer]

If so then why? Firstly I'm not here to upset anyone or be goady. I am genuinely looking for people to challenge my rather negative feelings about my own birth experiences.
First birth: induction, I wasn't believed to be in established labour until I was 10cm, not even with monitoring. I had just managed to extract some pethadin from the midwives when they decided to check me and discovered I was actually fully dilated. I then had to wait around for an hour high as a kite while the pethadin wore off, and then pushed for 2+ hours trying to get a 6oz baby out. I hadn't slept in 24 hours, I was so exhausted that by the end I couldn't even feel the contractions, and despite baby crowning I just couldn't get her out. Ventouse delivery, bad tearing made worse by botched stitching, separated from baby for hours while it was put right in theater. My first day as a mum consisted of trying to care for my baby with feeding issues while still half paralyzed and hooked up with a catheter. I felt absolutely awful and so traumatised I couldn't sleep for a couple of days without relieving the botched stitching.
Second birth: spontaneous, would have been sent home from the hospital but insisted on being checked and guess what, 7cm. Minimal gas and air for pain relief (it made me feel sick). Despite having much more sleep and no strong drugs pushing still took over an hour and then I still couldn't get the head out. I tried, and it was absolute agony. Midwives decided I would definitely tear again so gave me an episiotomy, and then I was able to push 7oz baby out. I was very carefully stitched and recovered much faster, but I felt like I had strained every muscle in my body, and it still weighs on me that both births required intervention. I feel like I'm lucky my babies survived it and there is nothing to be proud of there.
It still bothers me that such a key life event really sucked, so I'm trying to find a way to change the narrative.
To repeat, I am not suggesting that people who had assisted deliveries or c sections should feel bad about it. I know it is my issue, and I am trying to change it.

Not especially. But then I'm not upset about it either. It was just something that happened.

Induced early thanks to pre-eclampsia. It was an induction of two halves. One half where nothing was happening right up to (and after) waters being broken. The other half was spent on the drip, and even that took ramping up a fair amount until labour was established. Once labour was finally established, I spent most of the remaining time until birth off my tits due to diamorphine. Great drug, but I only have a few flashes of memory of that time as a result. Pushing was at the least quick and surprisingly easy. Except I had no urge to push, and contractions died off when the drip was turned off. Drip was turned back on (but much lower rate thankfully) so I pushed whenever I had a contraction. No ring of fire, but at the same time, no real sense of euphoria once DD was born. Then the placenta took forever to come out despite active management. I went over the time limit, but I was superseded by an emergency section, and it came out eventually.

So yeah. I'm glad baby and I were fine, and I didn't need an epidural or to go to theatre (things I really didn't want). No negatives, but I can't say anything more positive than that.

I had my twins via emergency c section after a placental abruption and haemorrhage.....I feel
Empowered and very proud of myself

I was on my own as DH couldn't get to the hospital in time . I got these babies into the world. I Carried them for 9 months and went through an emergency c section where we all nearly Died - I did that no one else 💪

First baby no- I felt out of control, pushed pulled and prodded, in terrible pain for long periods of time, shellshocked afterwards and took a while to recover.
Second baby yes ish- similar birth but huge difference was I felt in control, had an appropriately timed epidural and the pushing worked. As PPs have said, I never think about this one, which is a good result for me.

As an aside, on pain relief or lack of it, I have recently been in A&E with gallstones, a pain only matched in my experience by contractions in labour, and I was frankly amazed to be offered so much pain relief, and how insistent the doctors were on managing my pain. If only, hey!

Yes I did. I have given birth three times, the second and third births were quick and easy, but I still had a positive experience with the first birth. It was slow (20 hours from 5cm dilated to birth) and ended in an hour's pushing and an episiotomy, but I felt that I made the right choices (eg when I decided to have an epidural) and worked with my body to get to the right outcome (an amazing healthy baby).

I can’t equate the act of birth with empowerment at all. It’s a physical, sometimes medical process that’s a means to and end.

Becoming a parent empowered me. Having complete responsibility for another person forced me to be a stronger more confident and decisive person.

This is a word one, OP, and also not intended to be goady to others with different experiences, but I suppose I felt "empowered" by my elective c-section in that I had chosen it, felt in control of the process and it basically involved about 20 minutes of lovely, totally mentally present anticipation of meeting my baby.

I only mention it because it sounds like you're viewing any medical intervention as some kind of failure of your body and wanted to offer another perspective (i.e. I didn't even try and am happy with the positives of my experience!)

Honestly, I think we can make too much of what the experience of birth should be like. I think it's done with the best of intentions to support and reassure pregnant women that they can do it and to approach it with confidence etc. but honestly, the main point of birth (however you do it) isn't to be empowered, or have a great birth experience or commune with the great female spirit (though some may feel like that, and that's lovely) - it's to have a baby, with the minimum risk and harm to that baby and mother.

That's it.

You did that, with the story of your team, and that's wonderful and amazing. It really is. You then battled through the difficult aftermath while caring for your newborn. That's strength and bravery (even if / especially if you sobbed all the way through it!) Give yourself a break, OP.

*weird one

First time definitely not - induced, not in control, told to push when I wasn’t having contractions, wasn’t listened to, I tried to leave during transition and honestly thought it could just go home I was in complete denial. Then ended up with a very bad tear and took a long time to recover.

Second time, yes - it was very fast and have birth at home (unplanned!) but I knew what was happening, knew what to do and just got on with it myself (husband was there but trying to get an ambulance etc so not with me all the time). Also had a bad tear as it was so quick, be recovery was not so bad. Felt like a badass doing it on my own, although I didn’t have much choice!

Yes. My first was almost orgasmic too - and that was a total head fuck because I didn't even had the words to describe it for months and I'd entered it knowing I'd be traumatised (rape survivor etc) by i, and it was a long labour that ended with forceps. So was completely in shock that I felt amazing. It was a hospital birth that ended with epidural and forceps!

So why did I feel good? I reckon it was because I felt completely fully supported by the midwives. One to one care with a second midwife (who wasn't a stranger) who changed as shifts changed. When the obstetrician was called, she didn't jump in and make it an "emergency" she was extremely respectful of me as a person and my body.

I felt completely cared for, cocooned, understood and respected throughout it all (and it wasn't all pleasant - I vomited a lot). I've not come across a woman who felt so well treated by the midwives and dr who then had a traumatic birth. But I've come across a great many women who on paper had an amazing birth, but are traumatised after it and none of them felt that their medics effectively wrapped them up in the warmest hug and were dedicated to only them.

I didn't give birth on the NHS/in the U.K. My experience was possible because the system my HCPS worked in enabled them to devote themselves to their patients. They had regular intervision and were free to employ a range of skills (one midwife was also an osteopath for example).

Statistically not everybody can feel good, or bad, after a birth. The system has to support the staff working in it in order for them to be at their best to in turn enable non-traumatic (low bar but an important one) birth experience for all women, and a positive experience for as many as possible.

Btw I had SHIT pregnancies! I'm actually traumatised from one of them (diagnosed PTSD). So I can't say the entire experience of becoming a mother was empowering, not by a long shot.

No. First was a long, traumatic labour ending in a complicated emergency c section. Second was a lovely elective section. Second time around I felt calm and sleepy after (lots of really good pain relief!) but not empowered in any way.

Best way to describe my midwives was they were like doulas who were fully trained and practicing midwives. I even asked if I could bring a doula for the birth once in a checkup (they lasted 30-45 minutes - never a quick in and out, so midwife could get to know me). The midwife said yes, but also said that it was her job to support me and she'd be there. Looking back, if I'd had a doula, she'd have had been totally redundant.

Yes mine was amazing. I’ve always hated my body but this was like a magic trick. I was at home and felt very calm and safe. I know I was lucky though it wasn’t even particularly painful, more just very intense.

Oh I had an amazing midwife too, she coached the crowning very precisely and I only had a tiny graze. Fantastic woman, very experienced.

I’m totally freaking out about baby 2 though as I know there’s no way I can get that lucky twice. I think now I know how birth ‘should’ be I’d be really upset about any interventions but obviously I’d do whatever to keep baby and me safe.

I feel the same. My birth with DS1 was so straightforward. My midwife was supportive but let me do my thing and move into positions, in and out of the pool, etc. There was dim lighting and she even lit lavendar oils! (NHS). She coached me through the experience when I was exhausted and wanted to give up.

I'm so terrified something will happen this time around and I'll be whisked off to be cut open or have forceps inserted in me. I can definitely see why women don't feel empowered and quite traumatised in these situations. It is unnerving as it can happen to anyone. Outcomes largely rest on healthcare providers' decision making/actions.

I felt very empowered both times.

Like you, nobody thought I was in labour the first time despite induction and monitoring.

Second time I was 4cm and then I delivered 30 min later.

Sounds like you laboured like an absolute queen both times

No, I wasn’t in control of anything as it was an emergency c-section. They took DS straight to SCBU I didn’t get to hold him or anything. The only positive part was they let my DH tell me it he was a boy.
I wasn’t in Labour either. I feel removed from the whole experienced like I wasn’t there.

After my second delivery yes because despite it being a painful induction it was quite quick so I wasn't exhausted and was elated that I hadn't had the complications that arose after my first labour. I felt like a superhero because I felt good after doing something that is really really hard. After the first I felt physically dreadful, I'd lost blood, had a massive episiotomy, couldn't stand without passing out and felt really shaky and scared. I'd still done something amazing I just couldn't appreciate it because I was unwell. Every woman that has done this or tried to do this is a superhero, its hard and dangerous and we all deserve a lot more praise and respect for going on this journey without which the human race would die out!

Dc1 - yes, despite being induced at 30 weeks and having to give birth with a dozen people looking at my private parts and knowing my baby would end up in intensive care for god knows how long. The pain was horrific, I screamed a lot and was so ashamed afterwards. But I also felt like superwoman, I felt I could do and survive absolutely anything. That feeling buoyed me up during the difficult weeks that followed.

Dc2 - no, and I'm convinced it's because the bitch of a midwife broke my waters which I had explicitly refused just minutes earlier. It really upset me and it took a long time to get over.

Dc3 - yes, not because of the birth itself but because of the recovery. I felt fantastic straight afterwards, no pain, no tiredness, nothing. It felt like my body was made to give birth and breastfeed.
It's a shame it struggles so much with pregnancy.

Op, I believe the feeling of empowerment is mostly hormone-driven. If we have an easy birth where we feel respected and well looked after and everything goes well, there is a huge surge in adrenaline which makes us feel great. It's not surprising you can't feel that way when something goes wrong or not the way you wanted it. It's also the reason homebirths are usually a better experience than hospital births, where there is far too much intervention, ignoring women's wants and needs etc.

It’s very sad to hear how some of your experiences have been so awful. Like the last few posters I feel the outcome depends largely on caregivers. I did feel proud after my 3 births but not necessarily empowered.

First one was overseas & the Ob/Gyn got to know me. He was fantastic and listened to my wishes. I had forceps but he’d measured my pelvis & knew it would be difficult to squeeze the baby out as the head was big. He also did everything he could to avoid C Section. A midwife told me after that some of the other Drs would have done CS right away as it meant more money. My Dr knew I wanted to tear naturally and did not perform an episiotomy. So he gave me control over a part of the scary process.

2nd one was home birth with a doula. She gave me loads of control and the midwives I got were amazing too. This birth was in UK and it was exactly as I’d wanted it. I read around natural practices and was able to almost go into myself while delivering with midwives occasionally checking and guiding.

3rd birth was overseas and quite daunting as Dr was horrible and i was afraid. In the end it was so quick (20 min) that I had no time to think. I’d controlled some of the process by refusing monthly scans etc and this helped my mindset.

I feel that first birth you don’t know what you’re doing and blindly follow medical advice. Next time around you’re more able to say ‘my body, my rules’ which is empowering in itself. Also you’re not going into it so green.

The care givers were what made my experiences so much better and my HB was wonderful. First one was not bad even tho it was medicalised and third one was also hospital centric but I was much stronger in myself which helped my process.

Good luck to all those about to deliver again and best wishes and hugs to those with traumatic experiences.

Nope. Very long, very traumatic birth, with many doctors who would not listen to my pleads for a c-section when they knew my daughter was transverse. I had an emergency c-section in the end and it has crossed my mind many times that if it weren't for modern medicine, I'd have died in childbirth.

Yes very much so. I look forward to doing it again. It was very primal and I felt absolutely in control.

Yes
I quite enjoyed it and had a great sense of achievement afterwards. I had a very straightforward birth with no pain relief or assistance (a midwife there for the last 10 mins or so but they were just there, not really doing anything) so I felt I had achieved something all by myself.

2 and 3 yes. Number 1 no.

I gave birth to number 3 12 days ago and I’d do it again tomorrow. It was amazing, the most empowering experience.

First birth no, utterly disempowering and I felt that my body had failed to do what it should. I felt my daughter was hauled out of me and it took a long time to recover. Second birth yes, utterly empowering. I had a planned home birth and understood much more how to connect with the physical sensations and was supported to manage them by a superb and empathetic midwife. Didn't need pain relief and baby was born very easily despite a complex presentation. I was in control and it was amazing. Very fast recovery too, walked through the park to the shops 48 hours later and shocked the cashier when she asked how old the baby was

@SavedDownTheWell and @dinochum thank you

Also thanks to everyone for posting, it's very enlightening to read so many different experiences. Congratulations to everyone who's recently had a baby, and good luck to everyone soon to. I've been reading all the replies even though I haven't been responding much. Dd2 has been teething badly so I'm very sleep deprived right now.