Did you find giving birth empowering?

[GlumyGloomer]

If so then why? Firstly I'm not here to upset anyone or be goady. I am genuinely looking for people to challenge my rather negative feelings about my own birth experiences.
First birth: induction, I wasn't believed to be in established labour until I was 10cm, not even with monitoring. I had just managed to extract some pethadin from the midwives when they decided to check me and discovered I was actually fully dilated. I then had to wait around for an hour high as a kite while the pethadin wore off, and then pushed for 2+ hours trying to get a 6oz baby out. I hadn't slept in 24 hours, I was so exhausted that by the end I couldn't even feel the contractions, and despite baby crowning I just couldn't get her out. Ventouse delivery, bad tearing made worse by botched stitching, separated from baby for hours while it was put right in theater. My first day as a mum consisted of trying to care for my baby with feeding issues while still half paralyzed and hooked up with a catheter. I felt absolutely awful and so traumatised I couldn't sleep for a couple of days without relieving the botched stitching.
Second birth: spontaneous, would have been sent home from the hospital but insisted on being checked and guess what, 7cm. Minimal gas and air for pain relief (it made me feel sick). Despite having much more sleep and no strong drugs pushing still took over an hour and then I still couldn't get the head out. I tried, and it was absolute agony. Midwives decided I would definitely tear again so gave me an episiotomy, and then I was able to push 7oz baby out. I was very carefully stitched and recovered much faster, but I felt like I had strained every muscle in my body, and it still weighs on me that both births required intervention. I feel like I'm lucky my babies survived it and there is nothing to be proud of there.
It still bothers me that such a key life event really sucked, so I'm trying to find a way to change the narrative.
To repeat, I am not suggesting that people who had assisted deliveries or c sections should feel bad about it. I know it is my issue, and I am trying to change it.

Yes definitely looking back I was on a high with baby 1. Normal birth no interventions or chemical pain relief and I was lucky I know. I think the surge of hormones released afterwards made me feel superhuman. Like look what I've ducking done!!!!! I think the endorphins around the birth make you a bit high. Delivered four hours after getting to hospital abd used tens machine for pain.

Number 2 was more sedate and I had an epidural at 4cms and delivered 6 hours later I think. Walking epidural and much more controlled and positive (pain free!) pushing stage and was up and about straightaway snd home next day.

Honestly though it all feels like a long time ago and completely irrelevant to who they are today and our current parenting struggles... Birth is good, bad ugly just like life and none of us know what we're going to get.

I’m good at being pregnant and growing healthy babies, good at feeding babies, but totally shit at giving birth to them.

DC1 was EMCS after induction, failed ventouse and failed forceps. DC2 was ELCS on advice of my doctor after having such a crap time first time round and my history of growing big babies. Turns out DC2 was much smaller but discovered complications during the c section that mean they would never have survived a VBAC and the absolute best outside would have been another EMCS (if we’d been lucky enough to get that far).

No, in fact my third (during November lockdown) was exactly the opposite. I felt diminished and unheard. I ended up labouring and birthing without my husband for support in the company of people who did not listen to me- in fact they didn't believe me when I said the baby was imminent
I'm currently receiving therapy as a result of the events leading up to the birth and the birth itself

Yes I did but that’s because I was very clear about what I wanted and ignored those with negative views. I had all three at home and after the first paid for independent midwives which meant all acre from same two people and part from two scans no contact with any other health professionals. No internal exams, waterbirths and great aftercare. My third was two weeks late and if I’d been in the system they would have been pushing for an induction. Independent midwives cost less than a lot of people spend on a sofa or a holiday and worth every penny. I’m amazed at how passive so many people are and there was a terrible thread recently where th OP wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go home until she’d proved she could feed her baby. Outrageous and illegal. Maternity services in the UK are in a parlours state.

Not empowered but proud.
I had a challenging pregnancy with debilitating PGP, couldn't walk to theatre, had to be delivered in a wheelchair. I had opted for an ELCS for a few reasons but could have attempted a vaginal delivery if I wanted to.
I recovered well, I then tried to breastfeed DS which didn't go well and was a big factor in my horrendous PND and anxiety.
BUT 16 months on I look back and I am so proud of myself, I carried a 10lb 10oz whopper of a baby to term, despite not being able to walk! I opted for major surgery and the recovery from that rather than take the risks of shoulder dystocia that were high in my case. I then fought tooth and nail to breastfeed him, I expressed for as long as I could when that didn't work out before switching to formula. I fought and overcame massive mental health issues while caring for a baby, during a pandemic. I'm now the mother of the happiest, cutest, most amazing little boy! My marriage has come out stronger than it went in and I'm in awe of what my body can do.

I'm sad that so many people had such horrible experiences. What a shame that's so common and its much more rare for people to find the experiences empowering.

I think i'm just extremely lucky that my 3 DC were all natural, empowering water births. I can't even describe my high after all 3- its like i'm drunk on hormones! Its the best part for me.

So yes, I definitely found my births very empowering and felt like i'd conquered the world after each one.

No not empowering at all. God love the NHS but when you are in a labour ward you really are just a number. Only have one DC. I was induced which worked within 30 minutes, 24 hours of feeling like I was going to die, had ventouse, forceps, snip and a tear then nearly did die with a massive bleed. Spent 7 days on HDU. Least enjoyable or empowering experience of my life but I'm glad DC and I got through it alive.

Oh and I forgot to add the small detail of having a catheter during the birth and for 3 days afterwards. Lovely.

No. I hated every second of it. Childbirth is brutal and terrifying. Maybe if I'd had 'easy' births it would have been different, but is there such a thing as an easy birth?

I've had one that was actually vaguely similar to your stories, i.e being told i wasn't in active labour and left with no pain relief until I was 8cm then being denied an epidural. Later having a ventouse delivery with episiotomy due to baby being in distress after only 30 mins of pushing, delivery and stitching was all done without any functioning pain relief. I already had tokophobia and came out of the experience with birth trauma too. I'm now pregnant again and terrified, but I am really hoping my next experience will be better, as equally I'm terrified at the thought of a section as well so don't necessarily feel that would be a better option for me. I wouldn't call my labour or birth experience empowering at all, I suppose because ultimately like you, I feel that I didn't fully deliver the baby myself anyway, as obviously she was suctioned out of me. I struggled to identify my contractions during the delivery as well and had to be told by the midwife when I was meant to push along with the suctioning. I guess I always feel like I didn't really DO what women are supposed to do, and that's the opposite of empowering.

On the other hand, the fact that I experienced such pain and suffering and the lasting trauma it's given me, not to mention my long physical reovery, and yet still I got on with things and raised my daughter and she is doing so well and I've gone back to work and got on with life etc...I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I feel empowered in the sense that if I managed all of that, that gives me confidence that I am strong and that I can manage other things in future. So a bit of a double-edged sword I suppose.

Empowering is exactly the right word. I had a natural birth and breastfed for 4 years. I feel very proud of my body and my persistence.
Birth was painful for sure but I instinctively knew my body was capable of it as it was designed to give birth. I wanted to be totally sober and there to remember and really feel the experience. I am grateful that my body did not let us down. Thank you OP for asking because birth isn't all horror stories and there is a really beautiful raw side to it. I felt like my womanhood was fulfilled. My confidence in myself increased ten folds. Incidentally, when I began to let fashionable parenting Gurus and their books into my life, the doubt in my ability to look after my child started to suffer. I was doing everything right instinctively by me and my child but the toxicity of comparison with competitive moms shook that empowerment until I was able to recenter us again and remember that I already know what my baby and I need. Where there is money to be made there are lies and manipulation. Too much nonesense and unnatural, unnecessarily processes, classes, courses and products are pushed onto moms. Our minds control our perception of pain and events and if we don't believe we can do something, the body listens.

The opposite. Felt most of my wants/needs were overridden! Disempowering!

Jesus no, completely the opposite. Crippling SPD through pregnancy. I knew beyond any doubt that I was not going to push this baby out but nobody listened to me pleading for a C section until she was good and stuck. I was forced to stay on my back which was incredibly painful and my legs were forced apart. Eventually she was got out via ventouse while the anaesthetist was warning the many people in the room that the spinal was dropping and "you are running out of time". Later on I found out it was shoulder dystocia (I think bilateral from what they said although not sure) and one of the doctors said that I was lucky not to have ended up with a crash section. Then I had the shakes so badly when the spinal wore off that I couldn't hold my baby. The whole thing was just a shitshow.

I never had a birth debrief, and I definitely never had another baby.

First csection- yes- surgeon was brilliant and empowered me to move forward even if it meant saying goodbye to the birth I had wanted. Second csection I felt them cutting, begged them to stop whilst screaming into gas and air- they only stopped when dp started shouting. I was effectively butchered. Treated like a peice a meat with no autonomy or right to be self determined. I have never felt more disempowered and hate the residual impact it continues to have. Unlikely to have the third child I always wanted. Increased anti-depressants which I was previously ready to come off.

Wow, thank you everyone for sharing. It's nice to know the way I feel is not uncommon, although I'm sorry so many of you had terrible experiences. In real life the only people I have heard describe birth as empowering are midwives, so I wrote it off as occupational bias. Then it cropped up on here a few times and got me thinking. Reading the posts that did have a positive experience it seems that control seems to be big factor, along with trust. I didn't have great pregnancies so I didn't trust my body. With the problems proving I was actually in labour I didn't start out with much trust in the midwives either, although that improved once they started taking me seriously. I've gained a new appreciation for the fact that I had the opportunity to give informed consent to the interventions. It's not much but it's something. It's also good to know that as time goes on it will likley matter less. My youngest is nearly 2 so it's still pretty fresh. Thanks again.

@Cactuslove oh my goodness that sounds horrific! I can't imagine how traumatic that was.

Not the word I would use but I haven't had any 'bad' experiences except that it bloody hurt. I can relate to not necessarily being believed when I said I was gonna give birth shortly. Midwife checked anyway and my waters broke on her hand. 😬

@Flappityflippers1congratulations, and well done for overcoming your anxiety around needles. Not quite the same but I had to give myself insulin injections, which is something I never would have thought I'd be able to do pre kids.
Ps, love a bit of octonaughts

First birth nope the complete opposite. Felt traumatised, humiliated, upset. Thought it was just all part of needing lots of intervention, ‘leave your dignity at the door and be grateful for a healthy baby’ stuff you get drilled into you, often to excuse poor treatment. Second baby at a different hospital with a wonderful midwife and I felt happy and proud afterwards, showed me how being respected and treated well and given control makes so much difference.

I'm not sure I've ever felt empowered by anything... confronting people who upset me & giving them a piece of my mind, maybe? I found it easier to let go of whatever they did that upset me afterwards if I did that, rather than fester, avoid, fear, resent, bite my tongue, etc.

As for birth: I had adrenaline high when it went well -- not all went well. I wouldn't credit anything like 'control' for the high.. more like "I survived!" & very relieved feelings.

@MeadowHay you make a very good point about the double edged sword.

There are more people I want to respond to but I need to get some sleep.
I'll be back tomorrow

I did. I was absolutely astonished at what I could do and face and come through and my first birth affected me directly for several days, feeling a very long, euphoric high, but then after for years, in that I felt like I had faced down the “worst” and I was strong.

I’m OK with feeling that way, it doesn’t mean the birth was straight forward, it wasn’t, nor did I have it all on my terms exactly, but I did it, and I never thought I could. Knowing I could do something reknowned as being a very difficult thing to go to did empower me, and I actively looked forward to my next birth. To me,pregnancy is terrifying, birth is wonderful. I mean, it has shit bits, but the high afterward has to be felt to be believed. I actively worried I would never feel it again, but happily I got it back with subsequent births. I wonder if it’s natures way of getting you to go back and do it again, that perhaps it’s some genetically gifted bonus.

Knowing I felt wonderful after giving birth does mean I think all women do, or feel like I magically did something right to get that, though, so I refuse to feel guilty.

No, ds and I both nearly died. I was talked out of an elected c-section, by male Dr's (despite every female midwife, taking one look at my height, asking my shoe size, then saying my attempting to give birth, was a bad idea).

Thank god for emergency c-sections, or I'd be in a coffin right now, with ds still trapped in my pelvis.

After the emergency c-section, the Dr who performed it (male), gave me this whole spiel about how it didn't work out this time, but there's no reason I couldn't go on to have a natural birth in future.

About half an hour later, one of the midwives came to see me, and basically told me that the Dr (male) was talking nonsense, and to not listen to him, or put myself through that again, or things would end just the same. If I ever got pregnant again, I should explain what happened this time, and demand a c-section from the off.

I wish I'd listened to the midwives, from the start!

I find the idea of empowerment in relation to childbirth is pretty weird. For me, an empowered woman is one who is not oppressed and makes her own way in the world. Like maybe a super successful women in a male dominated industry. Childbirth is the physical reminder that we are tied down and a bit trapped purely because we have female bodies. My first pregnancy was accidental and I never really got over that feeling of being bound by my stupid fertility. A man can conceive a child and walk away unscathed. I on the other hand am on my third referral to the women's physio.

*I also had 48+ hours of back to back labour, before my emergency c-section, and the last time I remember them telling me how far on I was, before I blacked out, it was 8cm. That was around 10 hours before the c-section. Pain wise, I wasn't so bad, and managed on just gas and air for days, (and to about 6cm). Until they gave me the pitocin, which meant I had to lay on my back, and they gave me far too much, so I ended up uterine stimulation, and basically a two hour long contraction, which was utter agony, and around when I think I blacked out.